Hindsite

I heard Allen running up the steps to the church and I smiled even more. I couldn't wait for him to see me. Before he entered the room, I turned back and faced the front. I didn't want it to seem obvious that I'd been looking for him. I needed to play it cool. But the fact of the matter was that after all of this time with my hormones out of balance, they were fixed now. My panties were almost dripping. Allen and I were not going on a date after the wedding. This was going to be a hook up for sure and he'd definitely be getting some tonight.

Another thing that I found interesting was that Allen had come alone. Then I started to wonder why the hell he hadn't come in yet. I heard a sound from the entrance hall. It was like a hand slapping on flesh. It didn't sound hard enough to cause damage more like a playful thing. It was followed immediately by a very feminine voice, "Ooh, you'd better stop that."

Patti and I looked at each other wondering what was going on. We looked towards the back and saw Allen coming into the church finally. The usher woman in the skirt suit followed him as he headed for Joy to escort her. My smile faded completely as I noticed the woman was rubbing her ass with one hand while the other firmly held my husband's. If I thought her smile had been incredible when she was talking about her date before, her face lit up the room now."

All I could do was sit there depressed with MY smile faded and a grim face.

A few moments later she came in and signaled the organist and he began the wedding march. She sat down in the very front row on the opposite side from where I was supposed to sit. After a while, Allen appeared escorting Joy down the aisle.

The ceremony itself was beautiful. I cried several times. One or two of them were even related to the ceremony.

After the ceremony, things got worse. Joy decided to take some pictures at the church. Patti suggested that they get one of the bride and her mom. Everyone decided that was a good idea. Neither, Joy or the photographer liked the idea. The contrast between Joy's tasteful bridal gown and my neon dress was simply too great. Allen said something to Selena and she took off her jacket and handed it to me. She simply slipped off the jacket and handed it over. Her smile never varied. She would clearly do anything it took to make my husband happy. It reminded me of the way that he'd always treated me.

I am by no means a large woman but I couldn't even get my arm into her jacket. Though just a bit taller than me, she was tiny.

The photographer did take several pictures of Allen and Joy together and one of Allen and Selena together. That pissed me off royally. Finally, at Patti's insistence, the photographer took one of Joy and me together. I leaned next to her and pressed my face against her cheek. I told the photographer to take a close up. That way the color of my dress wouldn't really be visible. I intended to burn that dress as soon as I got home.

He snapped the picture and as I leaned away from Joy, I heard everyone around us gasp. I looked at joy and noticed a big smear of my makeup on her cheek.

Joy looked around and asked what was going on. Someone handed her a mirror and she gasped too. "Don't worry," said Selena. "I'll fix it. Come on in the back. It'll only take a second."

Joy rolled her eyes at me and followed Selena. I figured that would be a good time to talk to Allen. I was nervous at first but I summoned up my courage and turned around to find that he was gone. He was on the other side of the church telling people to head on over to the hall for the reception. He told them to drive slowly so they'd be in practice for when they left because there was on open bar and he was sure that half of them would be drunk later.

The thing that stood out most was that he seemed to be so God damned happy.

Patti asked me if I was ready to go to the reception or just go home. All three of the guys she'd been stalking had dates. Two were here with their wives and Phillip, the only single guy among them had come with a fat woman who was holding onto his hand like she was underwater and he was an air hose.

Patti was at least as depressed as I was. "I can't believe he'd pick a fat girl over me," she mumbled.

I guess that both Patti and I were masochists though, because we went to the reception anyway. Patti was sure that after they got drunk, we'd be able to hook up with some of the guys

The reception was an incredible party. The band was very versatile and played both modern hits and old standards. I was floored when Allen and Selena went out on the dance floor and practically gave a performance. I'd have stepped on my own jaw if I'd tried to walk. Patti came over and closed my mouth for me.

"Joy, when did your father learn to dance like that?" I asked.

"He and Selena took a class together," she said.

"He asked me several times to take a class with him," I replied.

"You probably should have done it Mom," she said. "It looks like they're having fun."

"Yeah," I said. "It does."

During the dinner, I got even more depressed as I listened to the talk. Ted and Joy were going on a cruise. Apparently my husband and Selena had gone on the same trip. She was full of suggestions about what they should do and watch out for.

After the wedding couple left, I stayed and drank and watched the dancing continue. It was depressing, so depressing in fact that I didn't even realize what was going on until it happened.

"I didn't want to leave without talking to you," he said. I looked up and saw Allen standing behind me.

I tried to smile and went over what I wanted to say to him in my head. This was my big chance. I even had the papers about my medical condition in my purse. So if he didn't believe me I could prove it to him. I'd just tell him that I had always loved him and that the only reason I'd fallen for that stupid article was because my hormones were out of balance. I hadn't meant any of the things I'd said and could we please go back to the way things were.

"Before you start saying I told you so," he said. "Let me have my say." I smiled and nodded.

"I understand now," he began. "When this first happened, I wanted to die. I've loved you for most of my life. I simply wasn't ready for a life without you in it. I wished so many times that I simply hadn't gone back into the house to get my iPod. Then I wouldn't have over heard you and none of this would have happened. You and I would still probably be married."

"Wouldn't that be great?" I said.

"There's no need to be sarcastic," he said. "I knew you'd feel that way. That's why I never wanted to talk to you. I'm trying to thank you here. Anyway at first, I just wanted to die. I didn't go anywhere, I didn't talk to anyone. All I wanted was for you to come to me and tell me that it was a mistake and you wanted me back."

"Then I started hearing rumors around town about you and Patti hitting the bars and screwing a lot of guys. At first it was like getting kicked in the face by a mule. I even ran into a couple of guys who claimed you'd gone home with them and had sex with them the first night you met them. I was really pissed but after a while I guess I realized that I was just jealous. I mean I married you and we have a child together, but you made me wait for weeks before anything at all happened." He shrugged his shoulders.

"Suddenly, I realized a lot of things. I realized that you and I had grown and changed a lot over the past twenty-five years. Maybe the problem wasn't with you, it was with me. There were simply things you wanted to do and try that I was not and am not ready for. You wanted to get out there and go after much more sex and more varieties and try different men and things like that..." I got ready to try to interrupt him and tell him that wasn't what I wanted at all. He wasn't describing a wife, he was describing a whore.

"Let me finish," he said. "You also knew that I was just not ready for that. I loved you so much that the thought of you being with anyone else would have killed me or I'd have killed both them and probably you too. But you needed it so bad that you did the honorable thing. Instead of cheating on me and making me a cuckold like those pathetic guys on the internet, you did the right thing and we got a divorce first. Then as a single woman, you were free to go out there and spread your legs...I mean your wings and embrace your new life."

"Like I said, I was bitter for a long time. Even after the divorce, I kept hoping you'd come back. After a while I realized that even if you had come back things wouldn't have worked out for us. After all of the things you'd done, I could simply never accept that plain simple old me would ever be enough for someone like you. And that's what I need Carmen. I'm a one woman man and I need someone who wants to be my woman and mine only. You and I could never be happy together again."

"Then I looked at the last few years of our life together. I know you talked about how miserable you were, and I finally saw that I'd been miserable too. I needed someone who wanted to go out and run with me; someone who shared at least some of my interests. When I met Selena, it was like the fog lifted. We're perfect together. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her, even though she has terrible taste in cars. And I'd never have met her if you hadn't been smart enough to know and brave enough to admit that both of us were miserable. Now we're both happy, you in your new swinging, sexually liberated, lifestyle and me with my soul mate. So I just wanted to say thanks."

Before I could say anything, before I could tell him he was wrong, she was there. She snatched the glass out of his hand before he could take a sip.

"We don't drink alcohol, Honey, we're training," she reminded him. "Did I hear my name being mentioned?"

"I was just telling Carmen about your terrible taste in cars," he smiled.

"Oh Honey," she began. "The only difference between your car and mine is about ten thousand dollars and that little horse on the front."

"Yeah, you gave them an extra ten grand and still didn't get the horse or the horsepower, plus you can't see anything out of it," he smirked.

"I can see you and that's all I need," she gushed. I think I was going to be sick. Even as she turned to me, she was reaching for his hand. She held out her remaining hand for me to shake.

"I'm Selena," she said. "Selena Johnson. I told you he was worth waiting for."

"Lena, this is Carmen," said Allen. "...My ex-wife. And she's Joy's mother."

Selena smiled and patted me on my shoulder like we were old friends. "Oh my God," she said laughing. "Then you already know how special he is. And your daughter is a wonderful girl. You did a great job raising her. I can see where she gets her personality from." She wasn't put off by me or intimidated at all. She still clutched Allen's hand as if it and by association he was hers.

"Did you say your name was Selena Johnson?" asked Patti from behind me. I was still speechless, and my brain wasn't functioning.

Selena smiled and showed us a big ass diamond ring. "We got married in Texas," she said. "But we didn't say anything because we didn't want to take anything away from Joy's big day. She doesn't need anything to distract from her turn in the spotlight. We old folks have to give the younger people their chance to shine."

"Uhm, how old are you?" I asked. "Thirty five," she said sweetly.

"It was really nice meeting you finally, Carmen," she said. "Maybe you and Patti can come out to our house for a barbecue when the kids get back from their honeymoon. It'll be kind of small because our house is beautiful but it's not that big. Maybe we could do it with just the seven of us; the wedding couple, the two of us, you two and our son. I'll have Joy call you and give you the date when she calls me from the ship."

"Joy's going to call you from the ship?" I asked.

"We talk every day," she said. "At first she was just making sure that I was being nice to her Daddy. But it evolved."

I watched them walk away with their arms around each other and it was all I could do not to scream. Patti took my hand and led me back to the car. When I got home I looked all over every web site I could find to locate the article that had started my life down the path towards ruin. Surprisingly I could find leads and links to it, but I couldn't find the actual article. I also couldn't find the author's name. I was going to keep searching until I found it. Nothing is ever gone from the internet. And when I find it, I'm going to sue that bitch for ruining my life.

On the other hand, life goes on and I have no choice, I have to move on with it. Much to my dismay, Allen and Selena are so happy it kills me to see them together. As much as I want to hate her, I can't. We've even become friends after a fashion. She calls herself, Joy and me the Johnson girls and she's always arranging parties and get-togethers. She even makes sure to invite Patti. She calls her an honorary Johnson.

Both Selena and my daughter Joy are pregnant now. They waddle around together just giggling like they don't have a care in the world. I guess I'm going to be a grandma and some weird kind of ex-Aunt-in-law thing for Selena's baby.

Like I said, I wish I could hate her for being smart enough to pick up and cherish what I threw away but I can't. She makes Allen far happier than I ever did. But I wouldn't be human if I didn't take my shot. Unbeknownst to Allen, I sat down and had a serious talk with Selena that helped me a lot.

I explained to her how I felt about him and even told her about my medical condition and how it led to the mistake I made. I know it sounds stupid, but Selena is so God damned nice, I thought that maybe just maybe we could all sit down and discuss the situation like rational adults. It was the first time I've ever seen her lose her cool and get angry.

She made it very clear to me that she was really sorry for the pain I went through and she acknowledged that what happened to me was not totally my fault. She told me that bearing that in mind there was simply no way possible that she'd give Allen up and pregnant or not she'd kick my ass if I ever mentioned it again.

Things were a little off for a while there and we didn't do nearly as many of those Johnson girls get-togethers. I could tell that Selena was really pissed at me. But eventually she called me and invited me and Patti over for a barbecue. When I got there she actually apologized to me. I told her that it was my fault for what I'd suggested, but she said it was her fault for reacting to it the way she did. We hugged and both felt better. Little did I know that I'd feel much better later.

As I sat there in front of their small but beautiful pool marveling at the job she and Allen were doing with the landscaping, Selena came up behind me. She introduced me as her sister at-heart, I guess it's not the same thing as sister in-law, to a man standing with her. He turned out to be her widowed Uncle and he and I have been steadily dating ever since.

He's a little older than I am but very nice. Of course he isn't Allen, but I don't expect him to be. We have a lot in common including our high blood pressure and our mutual disdain for exercise of any kind. We'll babysit Allen and Selena's kids someday while they go off to run marathons and do car shows. Our sexual appetites are similar too. Unlike Allen he isn't trying to jump on top of me every night and when we do, it isn't a feverish and lust filled union, it's a more laid back, unhurried joining. That's a plus in my book. All things considered, I ended up, though not where I wanted to be, far happier than I deserve.

But for all of you women out there in my age group who are in a good marriage or one that could with a little bit of work be good, remember two things. Number one, Oprah and all self-help gurus are the Devil. And number two, the opposite of good is better. I'm still looking for the author of that damned article though.