Hitting the Bottom Ch. 01

Jon's face clears, and I see the very corner of his mouth twitch in a tiny smile, but all he says is: "Ah."

"Yeah. Anyways... I liked him. I'm hoping to continue seeing him after I'm out of here."

Jon nods. "Good."

But he looks apprehensive again, and hesitates before he continues. "Dan, I know now might not be the right time to tell you, but I filled in the shift at the morning briefing as to what happened. I didn't have too much option because not only were they all asking after you, but there is also the small matter of my assault. I can't and won't hide from that"

Oh FUCK. I knew this would be coming... but didn't think it would be this soon. I try but fail to keep the hurt out of my voice.

"That's great, just fucking great. Not only does the whole shift now know what a complete fuckup I am, but they will kick me out of the only job I can do. Thanks a bunch pal."

Jon straightens in his chair and I can see his fists balling before he consciously relaxes them, instead gesturing much like he would when trying to quieten a spooked horse. "Hey, calm down fellah, calm down. It wasn't like that at all. It was a shock to everyone, for sure, but when all's said and done most of the guys are really rooting for you. Do you want to know what was said?"

"Go on, you might as well. Give me the worst." I feel my back stiffen as I brace myself.

"Ok. So, before the briefing broke up it was Sergeant 'I don't give a shit about anyone' Mathias who asked how you were doing and asked if I could let the guys know what had happened. Remember, I had called the ambulance and your injuries had to be explained. He knew the basics because of the incident report, but he wanted detail. I had to give it."

There is an uncomfortable silence for what seems like an eternity before I sigh. "Sorry Jon, I was out of order earlier. You were right to tell them. How did it go?"

Jon must have been holding his breath throughout the silence because now I can see him quietly release it. "I told them that I wasn't going to go into personal details, but your divorce from Naomi, and your fathers' death, had thrown you out of kilter. We all knew you weren't right so that was no surprise. I told them that you had flown to the States earlier in the week and had met with her. I again didn't go into details and told them I wouldn't, suffice to say i told them that it hadn't gone well and you had badly assaulted her. I didn't give any specifics as to what you actually did."

"Oh fuck. How did that go down?"

"Well they were all shocked as you can imagine. Lots of disbelief because that's so far out of character for you. The immediate questions were about Naomi and was she okay. I assured them that she was, told them that I spoke with her via video chat and that she was shaken, but okay. They then wanted to know what had happened to you after to cause all this shit. They are all just concerned about you, even Mathias."

Phew. I release the huge breath I was holding. "Thanks. So what happened then?"

"I told them that her new boyfriend had intervened and basically run you out of town and put you on the first flight home." Jon's mouth crooks into a semi-smile.

"That caused some fun as you can imagine as the comments came thick and fast about the boyfriend being 9'6" and 400 lbs throwing you into the baggage hold of a 747... Anyways, to cut it short I told them that when I had heard about it I flipped. I had gone round to your house and basically knocked lumps out of you, and in doing so had knocked you out, hence the ambulance call."

Jon falls silent and I just lie there and let his words sink into my buzzing head. All in all, this is way better than I could have imagined it to go. Way better than I deserve. After several silent moments I speak up, needing to get one more answer.

"What's going to happen to you, Jon? Are you going to be in trouble now because of all this?"

"That's up to you, Dan. I had a chat with Mathias after, and he said that you can either file charges, or drop it. The choice is yours. He would prefer to keep it in house and not have our dirty linen aired in public, but as far as I am concerned if you file then I will plead guilty before it hits the courts and the lawyers." Jon pauses and drops his eyes, looking at his hands that are clasped tightly together between his bent knees. It takes him a moment to lift his head and meet my eyes again, and when he speaks his voice is low and pained. "In some respects I acted as badly as you did and lost my temper. I deserve whatever comes my way too."

I don't hesitate in replying this time. "I'm dropping any complaint, Jon. No way do I want you to suffer because of my stupidity. Besides, nobody has taken a statement from me yet, so officially nothing has been filed. As far as the report goes, I can just say I was drunk and fell. Pretty much the truth anyway."

Jon nods, clearly relieved. "Thanks Dan, I appreciate that, though you might want to rethink. I also had to tell them what I discovered yesterday about your attempt to top yourself. It would have come out in the wash when the quacks here informed the bosses, so I saved them the surprise." He looks at me apologetically, and then continues.

"I did it for another reason, too - yours and the publics' safety. It would appear you are getting released soon. The police federation by the way is going to look into paying for your time with the head docs, but I have been instructed to accompany you home and retrieve your service weapon, baton, spray and cuffs... Sorry."

The pounding in my head is coming back with a vengeance and the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach threatens to erupt again. I force myself to ask the next question though I'm afraid I already know the answer to it.

"So I am going to lose my job then?"

Jon's face is grim and he doesn't try to hide it. "I would say the odds are that you will, but I think you knew that anyway. Don't worry about it now though, please. It takes months for these decisions to be made, and the priority is getting you right again. The guys and I are going to do our best to support you through this. Let's get you healed first."

I release the air I've been holding inside my aching chest with a big sigh. "Yeah. I guess you're right." I try for a small smile, miss by a mile, and drop it. "Hey, thanks again Jon... for everything."

Jon nods. "You're welcome. Now you look like you can use some more sleep so I'll be on my way unless you need anything else right now?"

I do have a question I want to ask but am not sure I'm strong enough to hear the answer. My internal debate is decided when Jon sees the indecision on my face.

"C'mon Dan, spit it out. What is it?"

I gulp and stammer on my question but get it out none the less. "D-did Annie tell N-Naomi what happened? T-that I tried to commit suicide?"

Jon frowns at me. "Why do you want to know? You think she'll forgive you out of pity?"

I try to shrug and wince at the pain the movement causes. "I... I dunno."

Jon purses his lips but eventually answers my question. "No, I asked Annie not to tell Naomi anything just yet. Listen, Dan, I'm not an expert on these things or anything, but I don't think you two should be in touch anytime soon. I'm afraid that any contact would only drag you back to that bad place in your head. I think you should do what she told you to do: Move on. Let her live her new life in peace. Dragging her into all this drama... I don't think that would be fair to her, Dan. I really don't."

It hurts to hear it, but I know he's right. I am no longer a part of her life. I'd better accept that if I have any hope of moving on. I feel like crying but I'll be damned if I would right now. There's very little pride left in me, but I am not going to humiliate myself by weeping like a little girl in front of my partner. I bite my lips to stop them from shaking and then hiss through my teeth: "Fine."

Jon curtly nods and gets up to leave, but then stops and stares down at me again. "Do I need to make you promise me not to try to off yourself again until tomorrow?"

I feel the small smile curve the right corner of my mouth again and this time it feels just a little weird. "Nah, I think I'm over that hump for now. But I can still make you that promise if it would help you sleep better."

He laughs his relief and then returns his eyes to me, the grin still visible on his face. "Yeah, why not? Make you work for me a little. Go ahead, promise me again."

The right corner of my mouth is now definitely curled up, and it feels almost right. "Yes Jon, I promise you I will not top myself before seeing you again tomorrow. All right?"

"Thanks mate. I appreciate it. I'll see you tomorrow." He gives me a mock salute as he turns and walks out. I feel that tentative smile hover on my face for long minutes after he's gone.

At least my best friend still likes me, sort of.

Maybe there's hope for me after all.

*

Author's note:

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