Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 036

The Grand Stallion held up his hands and a few of his honor guard stepped down from the hill to move among the crowd. The din faded away, though trace muttering could be heard. Zel's father cleared his throat and gave his people an intense look.

"You will not harm this man. He is still under the protection of parley and to harm him now would be dishonorable." He nodded to someone just behind him. "I have decided there is no use speaking with you, Caretaker. It is clear you are trying to antagonize—"

"Do you treat all your guests like this?" Mike spun around, his hands indicating the hostile crowd. "Me and mine were fine on that mountain top and had every intention of going home. Yet you drag me down here, treat me like garbage, and expect me to behave?"

The Grand Stallion pulled something from a bag around his back. It was a clear jar with something inside, but his hands covered it up.

"For years now, we have been forced to endure the attacks of the one known as Emily and the Snow Queen. On the day you arrived, the mountain exploded with a fury we haven't seen since last we were on Earth, and you expect us to believe you had no part in it?"

"Two things. First, the Snow Queen attacked me for no reason, so the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Second, Emily has been dead for years now."

More muttering surrounded him at this news. Orion stepped around the hill, his intense gaze on Mike and his fists balled up.

"So you say you have no association with these individuals? That it is sheer coincidence that you arrived and brought my daughter back to me?"

"It is." Mike wondered where he was going with this.

"Then this creature, who has long been in their employ, matters not?" He held up the jar and shook it. A tiny yellow light sputtered several times and crashed against the bottom of it.

Mike squinted to see it better, his eyes going wide when he realized what he was looking at.

"We caught her lurking around the camp and captured her. She is the eyes and ears of the Snow Queen, and though it has been some time since we saw her, we check our fairy traps every day." He set the jar with Daisy inside on the ground. "But if you don't lay any claim to her..." He lifted a massive hoof over the jar., ready to bring it down.

"Wait!" Mike held out his hand. "I do lay claim to her, yes. She is one of the denizens of my home and therefore under my protection. It is my charge, as Caretaker of the house." What was Daisy doing here? He had a brief memory of seeing a tiny ball of light during their flight down the mountain. Had she been following them the whole time?

"How can you explain the dichotomy of your statements? If the creatures in your house are under your protection, then why have we not benefited from such protections?"

Ah, shit. He really wished he had Beth with him.

"I just learned about you. Like today."

The smug look on the Grand Stallion's face told Mike that he had already lost any argument he could make. Several centaurs of different color marched Zel in. She wore a large chain that went around her waist and clipped into a metal ring in the earth that he hadn't noticed. She took a seat, her chin high and her gaze on the clouds.

"I am not here to argue with you, Mike the Caretaker. After the Trial, we shall have a formal parley, and barring any unforeseen argument in your favor, it is likely you will not take kindly to the outcome." He handed the jar with Daisy in it to his Honor Guard. She stuck the bottle in her bag. "Orion, you may begin."

Orion stomped forward, his lower half very similar to a horse geared up before a race. He held a rope that was as thick around as Mike's wrist, then tossed it to him. Looping a significant portion around his own waist, he looked at his fellow centaurs.

"I have challenged this man to a Trial! He claims a life debt on Zelenia, but I believe that his claim is false due to our prior betrothal. If he should beat me at the trials, then she will go with him. Otherwise, she will become my bride and we will consummate our union. Are there any here who believe they have a claim that trumps my own?"

Mike wasn't sure if he was supposed to say anything, so he raised his hand. The centaurs closest to him snickered.

"We already know of your claim, human," Orion said the last word with a sneer. "Now brace yourself for the Trial of Strength!"

"Nah, I forfeit." Mike kicked the rope to the sound of gasps.

"You... what?" Orion just blinked. "I heard rumor that you spoke so highly of yourself, yet you throw away one of the trials?"

"Oh, don't get me wrong, I'd probably win anyway. I just wanted to give you a chance to beat me in the test of endurance."

"You... but you're human. There's no way that you could..." Orion looked at the Grand Stallion, who said nothing.

"I'm not only super fast, but I'll probably be back here before you even get to the ocean. We are running down to the water, right? I love the coast."

Orion's face turned a shade of red that reminded Mike of a nasty sunburn. "Pick up the rope."

Mike shrugged. "Nah, I'm good. You get this one, way to go."

He heard it now, harsh comments amongst the centaurs. Between badgering the Grand Stallion and his comments about Orion, he could feel the animosity washing over him from every direction. It made him feel sick to his stomach because the only thing keeping him alive right now was their own code of honor. Gazing out among them, he imagined that they weren't actually bad people. If he hadn't appeared out of nowhere with their missing princess after destroying a mountain top, it was possible they would have listened to reason.

Today, however, was not that day. "So when do I get my bow?"

Orion threw his rope down and stormed off, the others moving with him. The crowd shifted a dozen yards to the edge of the clearing. In the distance, a group of centaurs stood around holding weird looking staffs. The crowd spread apart, making it clear this was to be the shooting range.

"The trial of dexterity requires a centaur to be quick of eye and hand." The Grand Stallion held up a pair of bows. "You will each be allowed to fire three arrows. Whoever pierces more targets will be declared the winner."

Orion took his bow, throwing MIke a nasty look. "Since you were so gracious with the last test, allow me to go first and show you how this is done."

"By all means." Mike was handed the second bow, wincing at how heavy it felt.

Orion walked up to a line that had been painted on the ground, then nodded. He tucked two arrows into a shoulder quiver and nocked the third, The centaurs at the edges of the range nodded and swung their staves.

Three discs flew into the air, looking exactly like clay pigeons. It was clear that the discs were launched to different heights, and Orion released his arrow at the lowest one. By the time it exploded into several fragments, he had already drawn the next and fired it, busting the second highest into pieces. His third arrow caught the last disc on its way down, breaking it into two pieces that crashed into the ground.

"Holy shit," Mike muttered, and the centaurs went crazy. Cheers rose up all around him, and he could feel their anxious stares on him now. He was going to have to break all three targets and hope they had a tiebreaker. Swearing under his breath, he hoped that Ratu would be able to account for the fact that the targets were moving and not stationary.

Orion walked past, a smug look on his face.

"Okay then, let's see how this pans out." Mike didn't have a quiver, so slid them into the collar of his shirt. The arrows slid down his back and fell out the bottom, eliciting laughter from the centaurs. His face burning, he tucked his shirt in and tried again. This time, the arrows stayed in place.

The notch on the arrow was easy to spot, and he couldn't help but appreciate how much work had gone into it. The feathers were likely from some indigenous bird, and he rotated it to make sure the feathers didn't hit the bow. He gave the string a tentative pull and nearly gasped at how difficult it was to draw.

Oh god, what have I done? He had been planning on stationary targets. Looking at the men and women around him, he wondered if Ratu could see him. Maybe turning into a giant snake and torching the lot hadn't been such a bad idea after all. He wondered where she was hiding. She had explained that she needed to be in either human or her true form to spellcast and had gone off in search of a suitable spot once he had been taken from the yurt.

"Do you forfeit?" When Orion spoke, the crowd immediately became quiet.

"Hell no. I just haven't fired a bow like this before. I'm used to fiberglass and aircraft-grade aluminum, Earth stuff." He cast a silent prayer to Ratu and lifted his arms, the bow almost too heavy to lift. "Um... pull?"

The centaurs near the edge of the field hurled the discs skyward.

His arms burned so hotly that he nearly dropped the bow. The arrow was in the air before he had realized it, and he fired the second. The first disc shattered half a second before the second one did. Powered by the magic, Mike turned his gaze onto Orion, letting Ratu's magic do the work for him.

Orion met his gaze and scowled.

He never saw the third target break, but he could hear it shatter. An ominous silence filled the area, and all eyes turned to Mike, Orion, and the Grand Stallion.

"The Trial will continue until someone misses." With a gesture, three more arrows were given to each of them. Mike moved away from the line, his arms burning as if he had completed a hardcore workout.

Orion easily replicated his earlier result, all three targets breaking. There were no cheers this time, the audience anticipating Mike's response.

Lifting the bow again, he realized just how heavy it was. His right hand hurt to clench, a side effect that Ratu had warned him about. Could he do this again? How many times would the magic be able to run through his body before he burned out?

This time, the three targets were launched and he fired right away. However, the magic had him draw a second arrow and stall, the two targets falling toward the ground.

Ratu, what are you doing? His heart slammed in his chest, watching the targets fall. It was when he released that second arrow that he realized that the target on top was falling faster than the other. By the time the second arrow struck, they had overlapped just a couple of feet off the ground and the arrow shattered both of them.

Gasps of amazement from the centaurs. Mike picked up his last arrow, his fingers cramping up terribly. He tried to twirl the arrow and succeeded in nearly dropping it.

"I believe I get another shot," he told them. "Unless Orion wants to forfeit."

The Grand Centaur had gone pale, and Orion was visibly fuming.

"He is clearly using magic!" Orion's left eye was twitching, and a large vein in his forehead bulged out. "He who cheats during a Trial is to be promptly executed."

"Or I'm just a better shot than you." Mike lowered the bow, trying hard not to throw up. He knew he was walking a fine line between keeping them pissed and getting lynched. "Where's my fourth target?"

An older centaur walked over to the Grand Stallion. She held a staff as well, but her body was decorated with beads, feathers, and an assortment of furs. Limping forward, she knelt down to get a good look in Mike's face. Around her neck was a necklace with several polished stones and a crystal.

She held up her hands and everyone went silent. Mike looked around and saw that Zel was still chained to the ring, but was largely being ignored. Turning his attention back to the woman, he realized she had a faint aura of magic around herself and had several bags that reminded him of Zel's.

She must be the shaman, or whatever. He held his breath, expecting a spell or a potion to be tossed at him.

"An accusation of cheating is serious business. According to Centaur Law, if such an accusation is made during a Trial, then the Trial will be decided by the innocence of the accused." She looked at Orion. "If he is using magic, then you will have won. However, if he is not, then he wins by default."

"Ooh. Kind of makes you think, doesn't it?" Mike pointed at the targets. "I can tell you for a fact that I have not cast any spell or enchantment to accomplish this. Is there a truth serum I could take? Or a spell she can cast? Frankly, as much as I would love to beat you fair and square, I do have other things to attend to."

All around him, the centaurs muttered amongst themselves. Mike prayed they would take the bait. He didn't know how they were going to test his truthfulness, but if it was that easy, they would have done it already.

"I withdraw my accusation." Orion threw his bow to the ground. "Proceed to the next trial."

It was the moment Mike had waited for. "Yes, please. I am so ready for this race. Where am I going?"

"We will take you to the starting line." The centaurs began migrating away, disappearing through the woods of the clearing. If Mike was right, they were headed to better vantage points, which was exactly what he needed right now.

Many of the centaurs who walked past Orion clasped hands with him or even patted him on the shoulder, all while throwing Mike dirty looks. They hadn't expected Mike to make it this far, and they offered words of encouragement to the hunter before disappearing.

This was perfect. The tribe had shown up in a crowd to watch him compete, but now he knew they were all dying to see him race. Every centaur who left to watch was one less that he would need to deal with. The tribal leaders spoke amongst themselves, buying time for their people to get in position.

Even most of the guards vanished, leaving behind the tribe leaders, the Grand Stallion, and Zel. Orion was stripping down until he was naked, tossing his weapons aside. The clearing was now empty, and Mike could see the long stretch of the valley before them. It wound back and forth, a series of low hills lying between them and the horizon.

"The floor of the valley goes straight to the ocean. Follow it and you will meet a guard who will hand you a bracelet. Put that on your wrist and run back," the Grand Stallion told him. "The first one to return here will be declared the winner."

"Can I fly?" Mike looked over at Orion. "I mean, he gets to have four legs, so can't I choose an extra pair of limbs?"

The Grand Stallion ignored him and turned his attention to Orion. "I trust that you will abide by the results of this Trial."

"Aye." Orion sneered at Mike. "I cannot wait for that mouth of yours to be shut for good."

Mike just nodded. "Yes, well, you're about to see the last of me one way or another."

The shaman held up her hands, and Orion took the space to her left. Mike walked over and stood below her right arm. He got in a runner's stance, his feet planted firmly in the grass, his eyes on the distant treeline.

He only needed an opening, and it was about to be created. The centaurs had spread out, and he looked over his shoulder at Zel, then up toward the mountain and the tower.

The way was clear.

When the shaman's arm dropped, Mike sprang forward into a furious jog. His arms felt like spaghetti, but his legs felt surprisingly great. The wind ran through his hair faster than he could ever remember. Never a huge fan of running day in gym class, his breath came to him easily now. His pace was phenomenal, his heart filled with triumph.

Orion easily blew past him with a laugh. Mike blew him a kiss and moved into a fast sprint. There was no way that he was going to keep up, but that had been the point. The centaur's body grew small as he ran down the gently sloping valley together and then disappeared.

The first turn was plenty wide enough, but Mike kept his direction aimed at the treeline right at the edge. The centaurs had gathered all along the trees and had cheered when Orion ran by. Several of them easily kept pace with Mike, mocking him as he ran.

Several minutes passed, and sweat poured down his back. He was finally at the first turn, and there was no sign of Orion. The valley floor was several hundred feet across, and this portion was easily a mile long before disappearing around another hill. Nearby, the trees stretched out in clumps with super thick bushes nearby. Seeing an opening in the brush, Mike followed the gently sloping curve of shrubbery before sprinting wildly through a gap in the trees.

The closest centaur was maybe a hundred feet away, and he knew there were only seconds to be spared. He uncorked the vial in his pocket and dumped it over his head, careful not to inhale any of it. Holding out his hands, he watched his skin disappear first, followed by his muscles and then his bones. Startled, he dropped the vial on the ground. He couldn't see himself at all, and he leaned against a tree, suddenly dizzy.

Heavy thudding through the vegetation was followed by the appearance of a centaur, arrow nocked and ready to fight. She was pretty, with dark skin and tattoos down her arms. He stared at her, her bow pointed right at him, but her eyes slid over him without a second glance, and then she galloped down a path he hadn't seen.

Time to go. He ran back the way she had come in, emerging out onto the valley floor. Distant centaurs were looking around in a confusion, and another one blew into a hunting horn. In plain view, Mike ran back up the hill, his legs aching with the effort.

Going back around the bend, he saw that his plan had worked perfectly. The centaur royalty still stood at the top of the hill, but most of the remaining guards had migrated downward, their eyes on the trees. Keeping an eye out for the few centaurs who crossed, he made sure to run along the part of the valley where the grass was thinnest. The last thing he needed was an eagle-eyed hunter fucking up his day.

Once he was close to the starting point, he slowed to a walk and took several deep breaths. He needed to move quietly now, and he could hear the Grand Stallion arguing with another tribal leader. They were already discussing Mike's execution methods.

He gave them a wide berth, casting a wary glance at the shaman. She had her head tilted as if listening to something, and he really hoped she didn't have any tricks up her sleeve. Toward the bottom of the hill, a group of centaurs had gathered, forming a search party before vanishing into the forest.

Once he was close to Zel, he knelt at her side, drawing the dagger from his pouch. Her eyes were cast downhill, a miserable look on her face.

He grabbed her hand gently, her eyes going wide.

"It's me," he whispered near her ear. Careful not to stab himself, he slid the dagger through the chain holding her down, using his other hand to keep holding it up. Putting the dagger away, he guided Zel's hand to where he had cut the links, closing her fist over the break.

Zel let out a little cough and rubbed her nose. "What are you doing?" she whispered.

"Wait for the signal. Ratu is on her way." As if summoned from the aether, a snake slithered up behind Zel and crawled onto her back. Standing up, he looked over at the shaman, the Grand Stallion, and then his guard.

Her gaze was down the valley floor, and he looked at her saddle bag. Moving quietly, he came up behind the group. Luckily, the tribal leaders were now so loud that Mike didn't worry about being too quiet, and walked up to the centaur. It was a simple flap that held her pouch shut, and he carefully opened the flap and pulled the bottle out.

Inside, Daisy looked pathetic. However, at the revelation that she was now inside of a floating bottle, her antennae picked up, and she placed her hands against the glass.

Mike took a few steps back and felt his heart drop when the shaman whipped around, her eyes on the floating bottle.