Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 073

"It's more like magical instinct," Naia replied. The runes on her body shimmered as if in agreement, but it was only visible on the ultraviolet wavelength of light. "With my magic, I sometimes get hunches whether something will work or not."

"Are you referring to your own magic or the magic the house gave you?" Eulalie picked at her teeth with a fingernail. A piece of fur had gotten stuck there.

"What do you mean?" Naia asked.

Eulalie's eyes flicked to Amymone and back. If this was supposed to be a secret, it was Naia's fault for requesting clarification. "Oh, it's clear that you aren't an ordinary nymph. You exhibit traits and qualities that fall well outside the standard deviation for your mythos. My theory is that you started as a nymph but were changed in some way. That being said, your nymph magic is separate from your house magic unless there was some type of convergent evolution upon your ascension."

Naia blinked in shock. "You...figured that out pretty fast."

"I've been ass deep in books about magic all week. I'm a quick learner and I have a big ass."

"Clearly." Naia smiled. "Both types of magic work that way. House magic isn't really something I can control. It has a will of its own, but I can help direct its attention. When I say I think I can use Mike to restore the gate, it's almost like I can tell that the house agrees with me. It doesn't feel that way all the time, so I'm confident that we're at least on the right track. As for my own magic, I can usually just tell if it would work. It's instinctual."

Eulalie nodded. "I would know something about that. So, out of curiosity...would your magic work on me?"

Amymone nearly dropped her book. "Why wouldn't it?"

Naia tilted her head. "That depends. I can do all sorts of things with my magic, so I need you to be more specific."

"Could you turn me on?" Eulalie set down her deer. "Seduce me. Make me horny. Do you require more euphemisms?" Many hours of research had been spent on this topic, and she was happy to provide more.

Amymone laughed. "Naia could turn on a broken lightbulb."

Naia held up her hand for silence. "Is there a reason you want me to try?" she asked.

Eulalie opened her mouth and hesitated. At her core, she knew that sex wasn't written into her code. Her desire to mate was non-existent, and even her self explorations had been minimally enjoyable. It was like a yawning void inside that had only been put there by the realization that she was different.

In truth, she was almost afraid that Naia could do it.

"You answered my question with a question," she replied. "That makes me think that you can't."

Naia tilted her head. "That's not quite true. My magic doesn't seduce anyone. I can only amplify desires that were already there. If I were to use it on you, I know it wouldn't result in sex."

"Hmm." Eulalie pondered this for a moment. How could there be desire without sex? That sounded so self-defeating. "Would you be willing to enlighten me?"

"Just a touch." Naia's eyes sparkled.

Eulalie felt nothing at first. She looked at her own body, then over to Amymone. The dryad watched them with great interest.

When Eulalie looked back at Naia, her mouth was suddenly dry. The nymph stood before her with one hip cocked out, and Eulalie had a sudden desire to spin some web and use it to tie her legs together. Or perhaps bind her so that her chest was pushed out, or maybe...

"Oh!" Eulalie felt her spinnerets moving, and she realized that her body was producing webs. Knots, hundreds of them, flitted through her mind, each one perfect for a different situation. Some were good to prevent strain on the rope, others to prevent strain on the participant. Different weaves could produce ropes so smooth that they wouldn't leave a mark, or thick ones that prevented muscles from flexing. If she wanted, she could easily get Naia's hands behind her back, perhaps bind her forearms together. Would she look better on her knees, or—

"I think that's enough," Naia replied.

Eulalie realized that she was on the edge of the fountain, her mouth open in anticipation and a piece of webbing in her hand. Her deft fingers had already braided it into a simple rope nearly six feet long.

"But this...this isn't sexual." She looked around, trying to find somewhere to stash her rope. It was too big of a piece to eat. "I'm not...horny. Why does it feel like this?"

"Desire isn't always about sex, little spider." Naia leaned forward and booped Eulalie on the nose. "But once my house is back, you can tie me up anytime."

Those last six words sent a rush of excitement through Eulalie. Not only would Naia look beautiful all tied up, but her aqueous body meant that Eulalie didn't have to worry about hurting her. She could just phase through the bindings and escape, giving Eulalie plenty of feedback to pursue her passions.

"Okay, right, the house." She coiled the rope around her waist like a belt. "So we can't open the portal, we need to wait for Mike. So what can we do now to prepare him for when he gets home? My assumption is that he's going into a trap."

"A trap set by someone powerful," Amymone agreed. "That could be problematic."

"So let's make sure he's ready for anything." Eulalie turned and looked at the dummy house. "I don't suppose you keep a stash of magical items in that version of the house for emergencies, do you?"

"Anything of interest would be in the Vault," Naia replied. "Ratu may have something, but that stuff is extremely dangerous. And I don't think she has any weapons if that's what you're getting at."

"Well, shit." Eulalie stomped a foot in frustration. "I was really hoping we could find a magic sword or something."

"Magic swords?" Amymone's face lit up in excitement. "What would you say if I told you I know about a magic tower full of them?"

Eulalie smiled so hard that her fangs extended.

Beth had been in space for less than a minute before the others appeared in a blaze of golden light. Pestilence and Famine looked livid, but Jenny sat calmly on her rocking horse.

When War appeared, his features were tightly pinched. Every vein in his body bulged dramatically as he clenched his fists and shrieked.

"Sixty! Fucking! Years!" War turned toward Murray. "This has to be a violation of the rules!"

"I assure you that only a couple of minutes have passed in the real world," replied Murray.

"She made me dig holes to find her!" War grabbed at his face in frustration. "That has to be against the rules!"

"The winner of each round has been able to kill the loser in the manner of their choice," Murray said. "She wanted you to dig a hole to find her and then have it cave in on you and crush your skull. That does not violate the terms of your agreement."

"The fuck it doesn't!" War took a swing at Jenny, but his sword passed harmlessly through her.

Fucking crybaby, she replied. War continued to attack her, his movements harmless.

Beth put her hands over her mouth. To an observer, she probably looked shocked. In reality, she was trying to hide the biggest smile ever. Jenny had not only won the round, but had trapped the horsemen for sixty years just for the fun of it.

And she would bet good money that Jenny didn't experience all sixty of those years. All the doll had to do was withdraw her consciousness so that she was at the table. Those years would have taken mere moments.

"Would you like to attack again?" Murray asked.

War's eyes bulged out of his head, and he looked at his siblings. The three of them huddled up and muttered to each other. Beth wondered what they were even talking about.

You could always quit, Jenny offered.

War broke the huddle and started to say something, but Pestilence yanked him back in.

"What happened in there?" asked Reggie. "Did you really make them dig you up?"

I got bored. Jenny let out a giggle, then rocked her horse over to where Beth stood. So I gave them hints. War had to use his sword to dig me up like a bitch.

"I attack again!" War declared.

I wouldn't, Jenny warned. I'm the hide-and-seek champion!

"Fuck you," he replied.

They found themselves on the ground in Kamchatka again. This time, War's army arrived with several aircraft carriers full of planes and drones. His troops never set foot on land. Instead, they launched an aerial assault.

War, who stood with them, sneered in anger. Jenny was nowhere to be seen.

"Let's see your shadow people take something out of the sky," he muttered. "Each of these planes is equipped with the best surveillance technology known to man, so even if you pull your bullshit, I won't have to spend nearly as much time—"

A plane exploded overhead, the wreckage crashing into the side of a nearby mountain.

Beth could no longer contain her laughter, which drew dirty looks from the horsemen.

"But I thought she was using shadow people for her troops!" Famine's face paled. "It had to be. The toys were acting as gateways, right?"

Guess again! Jenny then blew a raspberry at them and made airplane noises as War's airforce was destroyed one plane at a time. Beth clapped her hands in glee while Reggie did a series of dance moves next to her.

"Knock that shit off," Famine told them, but they ignored him.

In a desperate attempt to accomplish something, the planes dropped their bombs. The bombs fell only halfway to the ground before they rocketed back into the sky and exploded. It was like a 4th of July show on steroids, and Beth cheered when it came to an end.

If you count to a million out loud and say "Ready or not, here I come," I'll give you a hint. Jenny's laughter was distorted. You can get as many hints as you want!

"You know what? Fuck you. I'm not even going to look." War sat down with his legs crossed. "I'm the personification of War. I'm immortal. You will go mad long before I do."

Quitter, Jenny replied. Quitter-Quitter. Quitterquitterquitterquitter...

"Lady Beth?" Reggie took her by the hand as Jenny's voice steadily grew louder. "I think it's time we take our leave."

"I agree."

The two of them waited in space for a minute before the others returned. The horsemen looked defeated, and War appeared in a golden nimbus of light. He looked at Murray with a scowl.

"I end my turn." He moved away from the group and contemplated the Earth.

Quitter, whispered Jenny. You needed a lot of hints.

"Saying hot and cold didn't accomplish anything," Famine muttered.

"I would like to reassure everyone that only a couple of minutes passed during the last round," Murray added. "It is Pestilence's turn."

Pestilence attacked Irkutsk from Siberia. They won the first two rounds, but Jenny's mysterious troops didn't make a single appearance. Instead, the doll just appeared in Pestilence's hands both times.

The horseman, clearly lacking creativity or patience, had promptly torn her apart.

On the third round, the shadows gobbled up Pestilence's troops without a sound. Jenny didn't bother taunting Pestilence like she had War. Instead, a group of people arrived holding bug nets and glass jars.

Puzzled by this development, everyone watched in silence as Pestilence was stabbed with a knife and the bugs were rounded up and caught. Beth wondered if Pestilence's consciousness was contained in just one specific bug or all of them.

The glowing bugs were then separated into individual glass jars. The humans laughed maliciously as they shook them, jostling the bugs inside.

Whoever keeps their bug alive wins a prize! Jenny announced. The humans let out a cheer as they separated. And don't forget, they love to listen to music and need to eat shit to survive!

"This is inhumane!" Famine declared, then looked at Murray. "You can't allow this!"

"Sounds like you're just mad that you didn't think of something equally insidious," Beth responded. Through the months of torture fighting these guys, it occurred to her that they could have put her in a POW camp and starved her to death, or something similar. Instead, they had focused on the brutality of her death rather than breaking her spirit.

Jenny had been infinitely more calculating in her strategy, and had zero qualms about torture of any kind.

Murray said nothing. Beth and Reggie stepped out of the round and waited. When Pestilence reformed, their shoulders were slumped forward as if under a heavy strain. The horseman buzzed something at their brothers, and War's face turned bright red.

"If you back out, I will kill you myself!" he declared.

War's statement was very curious. She had been under the impression that a horseman couldn't be killed. Was War just angry, or did he mean it?

Pestilence buzzed some more, but then shrugged their shoulders.

It was Jenny's turn. She cackled maniacally and added troops to territories that needed them then ended her turn.

Famine looked uncertain. The horsemen had been cocky the entire game, but now were avoiding eye contact with each other. Their morale had taken a heavy hit.

When Famine attacked, he stood on top of a building while commanding the Hunger. The dark beings tore through the city, looking for any sign of Jenny or her army. The search went on for quite some time before the Hunger began to disappear.

"How is she doing this?" War asked, his voice unusually quiet.

Famine looked over at his brother. Sweat had beaded upon his brow as it became clear that Jenny had won the die rolls.

Pop goes the Weasel began to play, and the group turned to see a Jack-in-the-Box on the ground, its mechanical arm moving by itself.

"I'm not going near that," Famine declared.

Jenny appeared on the roof, her body as large as a small child. She flickered in and out of existence as she picked up the Jack-in-the-Box and walked toward Famine.

Don't be a baby, she told him. After all, it's just a child's toy.

Famine backed away from her until his back was against the edge of the roof. He looked over the side, nodded to himself, and jumped.

There was a loud clang of metal, and Famine was tossed back onto the roof by a metal ladder with legs like a centipede. Beth gasped when she saw it, suddenly realizing exactly what kind of troops Jenny had picked.

Tick tock, motherfucker. Jenny played the final note, and the lid of the Jack-and-the-Box lifted away to reveal a tube-like creature made of fangs that expanded and swallowed Famine whole. Everyone on the roof save for Murray cried out in alarm as the mimic shrank down and pulled itself back into the Jack-in-a-Box.

Moments passed, and Jenny looked around at everyone.

This will take a while, she announced. They digest things really slowly. And it hurts the whole time that you're dying. Her laughter ricocheted around them.

"There's no way he fits inside there," War pointed out.

They're bigger on the inside, Jenny replied, then looked at Pestilence. I should have done this with the jars.

Pestilence made an alarmed buzzing sound.

"You can quit after this turn," Murray said. "But not during."

War turned to argue with Pestilence just as a tiny drop of black blood squeezed out of the Jack-in-the-Box. Beth and Reggie disappeared, leaving the horsemen to their torment.

It had taken the better part of the afternoon to get home, but Mike didn't mind. Abella was content to walk in silence while clinging to his arm. It threw off his gait a bit, but he had more important things to think about.

Ever since the incident in the clearing, the sounds and feelings he experienced had gotten more intense. It was as though he had opened the window into a different world and then forgotten to close it all the way. Each tree they walked past whispered to him in greeting, and on more than one occasion, a tree branch would pat his shoulder as if they were old friends.

Though the paths were buried in snow, he could sense them. The thin trails were lacking in foliage, so they were the quiet parts of the forest. It was almost like having a song stuck in his head, except now it was several radio stations running at the same time.

He thought of Bigfoot's offer to help him speak with the forest. It was something he would need to look into right away.

It also felt like he was being watched. It wasn't a malicious gaze, by any means. In fact, it felt almost playful, and he had a suspicion that it was the cabin herself, keeping an eye on him.

No, not quite the cabin. She was also the land, she had told him as much. He thought back to the times he had conversed with the house. This was far different, with the cabin less secretive and much chattier than her sister.

And were they actual siblings? Or was it more of an honorific? Had some guy gone around knocking women up with baby buildings? Was that where the term laying wood came from?

"Oh!" Abella squeezed his arm, causing him to stop. A large white rabbit stood in front of them, its nose twitching as it sniffed the air. "It's not scared of us!"

"You know, I've always been told that wild animals who let you come near are dange—okay, yeah, go ahead." He watched as Abella scooped the rabbit in her arms. It looked like a snowshoe hare with its massive back legs, but he wasn't an expert by any means.

"It's so fluffy!" Abella rubbed her cheek against it, and he half expected it to go full Monty Python and take off her head. The creature was content to accept Abella's love for a few more moments, and then kicked its feet to let them know it was done. Abella set it on the ground and it hopped off into the woods.

"So like I was saying, you shouldn't handle wild animals," he told her. "It can mean they're sick, injured, or any number of bad things."

"You shoot lightning out of your dick and I breathe fire." She cocked her head at him and arched an eyebrow. "I think I can handle petting wild bunnies."

He rolled his eyes but didn't argue, though he did want to clarify the dick comment. His magic had been related to sexual intimacy, but clearly, it was attempting to do something new.

Did magic evolve over time? Or was it a result of the abilities he had gained from the others creating something new? Thinking on this idea, the weird stuff had started happening after sex with Quetzalli. Was it because her affinity was storms, or was it related to her draconic nature?

He was probably the only man alive to stick his dick in a dragon. Not exactly something you could find a support group for.

When the cabin came into view, Abella unfolded her wings.

"I need to go back to my duties," she told him. "But count me down for a walk anytime."

With a wink, she took to the sky and started her ascent. He watched her climb until she looked like a distant bird. Now flight would have been a fun ability to gain, but if Abella had stone wings, would his just be skin? On top of having to alter all his shirts, he didn't want wings that looked like a stretched scrotum.

"You have returned." The owl stepped out of her hiding place beneath a large pine tree. "I wondered if you would return."

"This is the safest place to be," he replied.

"Humans aren't necessarily known for being trustworthy," she countered. "I suspected you to hide somewhere else and leave the work to the others. You cannot fault me for having doubts."

"When you ate humans, did you barf up their remains in large pellets?" He held out an imaginary football. "Like, if I dissected it, would I find finger bones and shit?"

Her brow furrowed, giving her a frightening countenance. "Are you trying to insult me?"

He took a step toward her, never breaking her gaze. "No. Just reminding you that respect runs both ways. You came to me, remember?"