Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 081

Two more transfers later, he saw that she had been summoning swords and stabbing them into the metal ducting to use as handholds. The blades were short like daggers, but had gotten the job done. Mike and Yuki were now only a couple of feet below a cat walk.

It was difficult, but Mike managed to maneuver himself up onto the previous set of blades while holding onto her left wrist. He hooked his arm around the corner rail of the catwalk and then released the magic.

Yuki gasped and went limp beneath him. Mike pulled her up by pushing off the swords with his feet, then slipped his arm around her back once she was high enough.

With a shove, he was able to push her up onto the ledge. Yuki crawled away from the corner as he pulled himself up behind her. His limbs felt like they were on fire, and he lay on the cool metal gasping for air.

"You...shocked...me..." It was both an accusation and a statement of fact.

"Sorry," he mumbled, feeling sick to his stomach. Quetzalli had taught him how to control the flow, but his mastery over it wasn't the best. He was nowhere near throwing lightning by any means, and had accidentally given Tink a nasty zap one day while messing around. Luckily, the goblin had thought it was just kinky foreplay. "You okay?"

"Everything hurts," she whispered.

"I'll make it up to you." The little lightning spider nearby popped out of existence as his magic went dormant. Using it to run a current through Yuki had drained him to nothing.

In the dark, he reached for her. The soft fur of her robes felt good beneath his fingers. He crawled toward her, then groaned in agony as he sat up and leaned against one of the railing supports. Yuki said nothing as he pulled her between his outstretched legs and leaned over her protectively.

"Let's just rest for now," he told her, fighting back a yawn. It had been almost bedtime when Holly had appeared in his house and he was officially tired. The darkness in the furnace was absolute, yet he felt like he was being watched.

They sat there for a while. Mystery lights flickered along the edges of his vision, but he realized they were still there even when he closed his eyes. There was a term for them, but the memory escaped him.

With nothing but phantom lights for company, he found himself nodding off more than once. The temperature of the room was fine for now, but it definitely felt cooler. Or was that just a side effect of strenuous climbing? It was hard to say.

He wondered how many presents Lily had opened. There was a small amount of guilt over leaving her behind, but clearly all was not well at the North Pole. If Santa's bag was in danger, she was well equipped to handle it. Death was probably keeping her out of trouble.

Romeo. Lily's voice echoed from the darkness, but he wasn't sure if he had imagined it. The succubus hadn't been around much lately, and had seemed surlier than usual. He supposed it was related to the birth of Callisto, his son.

The centaur tribe had sent for him and Ratu on the day he was born. The pregnancy had gone well, but Zel had known the birth would be difficult. Her human vagina was never going to be sufficient to accommodate a centaur foal. Preparations had been made, and several of the Herd's healers had been brought together to figure out how to deliver the child surgically.

Despite all their preparations, things had gone downhill quickly. Helpless, Mike had stood by and listened to the healers and Ratu debate how to remove the child quickly in case Zel didn't survive. The centaurs were capable healers, but major abdominal surgery was not an art they had brought with them from their former Herd.

Salvation had come in the shape of Lily. Mike had left the yurt to pray when Lily had teleported directly to his side. Admonishing him for trying to involve a big hairy bastard who didn't give a shit, she had walked into the yurt and started barking commands. Apparently, she had used the Dreamscape over a year ago to take a class on veterinary medicine to stitch Dana up, and she also had a couple of souls in her collection with the knowledge to guide the healers through the complex operation.

Zel had survived, and Callisto had come into the world with his father's hair and his mother's eyes. Lily, usually uncouth, spent several minutes silently casting sidelong glances at the child. Satisfied that Zel would survive, she had promptly excused herself and vanished for two weeks.

"Mmph." Yuki stretched beneath him. "I fell asleep."

"It's fine." He rubbed the top of her head, right between her ears. "I've got a bit left in me and who knows when we'll get another chance."

She sighed in his arms, then fell into another deep slumber. Mike waited a few minutes and tried to summon a spider for light. He couldn't even make the sparks appear, and a throbbing pain shot through his right wrist and forearm.

Fucking figures, he thought. Nearly fell to my death after a pissing match with Jack Frost, and now I can't get it up.

He put his hand back on Yuki's head and used the soft fur at the base of her ears like a worry-stone. She mumbled something, then wrapped an arm around his leg and held him tight.

His thoughts drifted back to Callisto, then back to Tink and Kisa. He could feel Kisa moving around somewhere beneath him, which made zero sense. Since they had essentially teleported away from everything, it was likely that she was in the furnace with them as well.

He thought back on the encounter with Jack. There was something nagging at him about the whole event, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. He had been too worried that Jack would find the others to think past the moment. Now that he had the time, he would use it to analyze what he had learned. The North Pole hadn't just been abandoned. At a minimum, Jack was out looking for trouble makers. But why?

Somewhere in the darkness, water started dripping. He yawned, then scratched Yuki's head some more. The rhythmic rubbing of her head had become a form of self hypnosis, and he felt his attention waning.

Shaking his head, he blinked away the sparkling lights that appeared once more. They shifted back and forth like a metronome, and he tried to look away but couldn't. He remembered learning about them in boy scouts, something about how lights would appear if you got lost in a cave with no light source. Cavers would chase those phantom lights, thinking escape was just around the corner. If they were lucky, they would slam into a wall rather than fall into a crack and vanish from the world.

Thinking about being stuck in a crack in the earth made him think of Leeds. That fucker had likely lost his mind months ago, but Mike had no way of knowing. Once a month, Abella would make a trip out that direction to make sure Leeds' living tomb looked undisturbed. Mike had considered going with her just to piss on the bastard's mountain, but had spent the time at Velvet's grave instead. They had buried her next to her parents in a spot with a beautiful view of the valley.

The lights were closer now, or maybe just larger? It was so hard to focus; the chill in the air was making him huddle over Yuki and she was like a tiny heater.

He rubbed his face, then shook his head. Falling asleep here was a bad idea, but he was just so tired.

"Callisto? Stop being like that, this is your father." Zel held her hand out to the foal standing behind the apothecary table in her yurt. Callisto shook his head vehemently. Newborn centaurs looked more like six year olds than infants. His unruly locks bounced across his shoulders as he grabbed a stack of Zel's journals and pulled them into a small wall so Mike couldn't see him.

"No!" Callisto shouted, then tried to duck down behind the book stack. "Scary monster!"

Mike's eyes snapped open, and he sat upright. Sleep had snuck up on him so quickly that he hadn't even had the opportunity to manipulate the Dreamscape. How long had he been out?

It couldn't have been long, right? He flexed his hand and tried to summon the magic once more. Even a little bit of light would help him stay awake.

The phantom lights now loomed overhead, and he looked up at them with a frown. He had never really thought about the fact that maybe they weren't a hallucination. He squeezed his eyes shut and they remained. Still just a figment of his imagination. While his eyes were shut, he thought of Zel once again and felt the dream spring up around him.

"I'm so sorry." Zel took Mike's hand in hers and squeezed. "I don't know why he does this. He won't talk about it while you're gone, either."

"I don't either." Mike looked at the stuffed bear on the ground. He had brought it in the hopes it would break the ice, but Callisto had refused to touch it. Centaur children developed language skills remarkably fast, so it was easy to forget that Callisto was only a couple of months old.

When Mike knelt down to pick up the bear, its fur slid off and revealed the sleek surface beneath it. Startled, he dropped it on the ground. The thing inside uncoiled, revealing a large isopod that looked up at him and screeched.

"Gah!" Mike shook his head and pinched his inner arm. He had dozed off again. What was the deal with the weird dreams?

Yuki trembled, then muttered something.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Emily." Yuki replied, then whimpered. Mike sighed, then rubbed Yuki's head. She sighed and became still again. He wasn't even sure she had woken up. The silence of the furnace made every sound seem that much louder, and he could hear the beating of his own heart. He tried to ignore it, but that steady cadence had him closing his eyes for just a moment.

"Let me go!" Callisto fought his way free of his mother and rushed out the door of the yurt. Outside, Mike heard one of the centaur guards follow after him. The last time he had come, Callisto had gotten lost in the woods for an hour until Zel had found him.

"Damn!" Zel stared helplessly at the flaps. "I don't know why this is so hard!"

"Don't worry about it," he told her, then moved next to her and wrapped his arm around her waist. "I'll keep trying, no matter how long it takes." Down below, he heard the shifting of chitinous armor as the isopod tried to crawl up on his foot.

"I'm not afraid of you," he declared, then snatched up the isopod. Its mouthparts shifted as it waved its legs helplessly. "In fact, you look rather like a lobster. Maybe I'll see if Sofia will cook you up and serve you with butter."

"Three!" The isopod's voice was like a croaking frog. "Tonight, you will be haunted by three spirits!"

"Eat my ass, Ebenezer." He forced the isopod into a ball, then drop kicked it through the flaps of the tent. The flaps rattled and spun like a plastic rolodex.

Mike opened his eyes again and saw that the phantom lights were gone. Instead, an ethereal being hovered above him, the light from its body illuminating him and Yuki. If this was a hallucination, it was a damned good one.

"Radley," it whispered through a lipless mouth. It had a face that could have been made of porcelain, but there was little humanity in its eyes. It shifted, sometimes having arms, then legs, then nothing at all but a face with silken white hair that hung to the ground.

"Casper," he replied. "I don't suppose you're here because you want a friend? You bring me a sleeping bag and a pillow and I'll hook you up. We'll go bar crawling, chicks love ghosts now. Dudes too, for that matter."

"I am the ghost of Christmas Past," it told him with a voice that sounded like it was coming through a long tube. "And I am here regarding your welfare."

"Of fucking course." He moved his hand behind Yuki's ear and gave it a pinch. When he felt her startle, he slid a hand over her mouth to keep her quiet. "The weird dream with the bug? Was Marley on vacation? Aren't you supposed to read me my rights first? I demand my lawyer be present, but unthaw her first, she can't do much right now." He pictured her ass, bent over and just sitting in his living room like a work of art.

His magic moved. It was minor, but it was definitely there.

The spirit stared at him, then freaked out. Its features distorted and jumped about as if they were in a videogame and it was glitching. He heard his own voice repeat the words he had just said, only there was a fair amount of growling involved. It let out a cry, then whirled around the room before popping back into position above him as if nothing had happened.

"I am here regarding your welfare." The spirit moved closer, its amorphous body shifting in the light until it had a body. The spirit's body was small, like a child's, but its limbs were muscular and much longer than an adult's. It made Mike think of a demented cross between a porcelain doll and a Stretch Armstrong toy from his youth.

Once fully formed, the spirit wore a white tunic belted at the waist with a shiny belt and a flowing skirt beneath. It carried a sprig of holly in one hand, and a beam of light shot from its head and into the gloom up above like a reverse spotlight.

"Rise, and walk with me." The spirit extended a hand just as Yuki summoned a circle of swords above the spirit with a tarot card. The blades shot into the ghost of Christmas Past, only to vanish in a blast of light.

"No-no-no-no-no-no..." The spirit clutched at its brow, agony written across its enigmatic features. Mike tried to help Yuki to her feet, but they were too slow. With a scream, the spirit grabbed both of them with its overtly long arms and then pulled them over the side of the catwalk and into the void beneath.

� � �

"Well, that was something." Lily hopped out of the sleigh and took a look at it. The sides had giant gouges from where the cat had hit it, but the wood shimmered as the damage repaired itself. "Let's not do that again."

"We may not have a choice." Death sounded serious. When she looked up, she saw that dark shadows circled in the mist, their eyes blazing with malice.

"I wouldn't," Lily warned, allowing her wings to unfold behind her. Horns burst from her forehead as she returned to the sleigh and stood next to Death. Ever since the shadow's defeat, the demons had been thick in this part of the Underworld, but they rarely came this close to the gate. "If I don't rip you a new asshole, he will." She gestured at Death with her thumb.

There was a growl as six fiery orbs appeared above them all. Cerberus barked, and the demons scattered as the hellhound smashed one with a paw and snagged another in their teeth. Two heads ripped it apart while the third stared at Death expectedly.

"You are a good girl." Death reached into his robes and pulled out a trio of biscuits in a stack. Once the demon was torn apart, Cerberus stared intently at the Reaper. He tossed the biscuits in an arc, and all three of them were snapped out of the air by the different heads.

"You've got to be shitting me," Lily said.

"I am incapable of shitting." Death hopped out of the sleigh and approached Cerberus. The hellhound rolled on their side, giving Death full access to their belly. Death held his arms wide and pushed himself face first into their belly. He started scratching, which made Cerberus' tail wag. "Who's a good girl? You're a good girl!"

"When the hell did this happen?" Lily demanded. As far as she knew, Cerberus only listened to Mike or her.

"I do not require sleep, my dear succubus. I have plenty of time on my hands, and other dogs are afraid of me." Death continued scratching until Cerberus let out a whine. "Besides, Mike Radley and I will sometimes come to take them for a walk. He does this when he is feeling anxious about fatherhood."

Lily just shook her head. She had no idea, but hadn't exactly been around much lately. Ever since the foal had come along, she had made herself scarce. She just couldn't handle the way everyone fawned over him, and would even admit to more than a little jealousy. It wasn't that she wanted to pump out babies, but that she hated the fact that someone was able to give Mike something she couldn't.

Cerberus shifted into human form, then bowed their heads reverently at Lily. It was always weird seeing a three-headed human in a goth dress, but at least the outfit matched the atmosphere.

"Mistress." The center head spoke while the side heads whispered simultaneously. It was far less confusing than how they usually spoke, which was each head taking a syllable at a time. "Why have you brought this here?"

"What, this?" She jerked her thumb at the sleigh. "We were running from a bunch of trolls and a giant fucking cat. Why are there so many demons running about? Shouldn't you be keeping the place clear?"

"They are attracted to this Divine Object." Cerberus walked over to the sleigh and put a hand on it. She sniffed the air, and then touched Santa's bag. "And maybe this as well. This shouldn't be here."

"Of course it shouldn't, but I'm stuck babysitting it." Lily leaned against the sleigh. "And we needed help."

"No." Cerberus squinted at the giant bag. "This shouldn't be here. It has no smell to it, it shouldn't exist."

"What do you mean, it has no smell? It's a bag, it shouldn't stink." But Lily knew better, for nothing in Creation had a better sense of smell than a hellhound. Capable of sniffing out even the toughest shape-shifting demon, the fact that Cerberus couldn't even detect the lingering scent of the house on its fabric was a sign. Whether good or bad, she didn't know yet.

"It is like the emptiness of the Void. I can sense a great nothingness where it sits, yet can both see and touch it." Cerberus sniffed the air, their eyes glowing. "More demons come. They can sense it. I will hold them off, but stronger ones approach. You cannot stay." With those words, Cerberus transformed back into a three-headed dog and wandered into the mist.

"Well, fuck me with a stick." It hadn't occurred to Lily that Cerberus would ask them to leave. "What do we do now?"

When she got no response, she saw that Death was perusing the user's manual. On the cover was a picture of a Santa hat, and it had a candy cane spine.

"Ah. Aha!" Death looked up at Lily. "I have found the section of the manual that will allow us to shoot our foes!"

"Wait, what?" She moved by his side and laughed. He was looking at the troubleshooting chapter. "That doesn't mean actual shooting."

"It doesn't?" Death frowned and flipped through the pages. It took him a bit to scan each page, but his reading speed was already impressive for a guy lacking eyeballs. "Oh. Oh dear. You appear to be right."

"Told you." She heard a random growl in the mist, and turned in time to see a demon vanish just before Cerberus reappeared nearby. The hellhound snorted, then gave chase. "I have no fucking clue what to do next. Maybe that book has some advice for us."

Death said nothing, his eyes blazing as he continued to read. The book was tiny in his hands, yet he used both hands to hold it open.

Lily climbed on top of the bag and opened it up. Inside, the multi-colored packages were packed in tightly, yet it was easy to reach deep into the bag and pull one out. When she turned it over, it had her name on it.

"Ha-ha, I'm so naughty, ho ho ho." She shook the small box and was surprised that it felt so light. Thinking it would be more coal, she ripped open the package and was puzzled to discover a small felt box inside. She opened it up and saw something shiny inside.

"What the fuck?" It took her a moment to realize she was looking at a jeweler's loupe. Used for examining gemstones and other fine jewelry for defects, she had no idea why Santa would give her one. "Should have included a gift receipt, big man."

Toying with the loupe, she looked at her own hair and fingernails before leaning down to examine the fabric of the bag. Instead of crushed velvet, she was stunned to see herself looking at an ever shifting surface that looked like waves of red, liquid fractals that crashed into each other and created new patterns. The fractals would bounce off of each other, and she could have sworn that faces were forming. However, when she would shift to look closer, they would vanish.