I Don't Know Where It's Been Ch. 02

This is a work of fiction meant for adults only

"Don't you dare sit there feeling sorry for yourself, when I told you what I did to add some excitement to my marriage I did not tell you to go do it too. You have noticed I'm still married, unlike the other person you talked to about this. I told you, if you are going to try this you have to keep it to one night, not an affair. Do you think Marge's husband would have found out if she hadn't been spending nights over at the other guy's place? Of course I didn't have the problem you two had. When Greg found out, it did more good then bad. He got so excited hearing about what I did with other men, that he did more encouraging, the discouraging," Debra said to Kate across the table.

"Please mother, I'd rather not know what you and my father do in the bedroom. You know as well as I do that there are no similarities at all between Dan, and daddy. You are right that I should never have started that long term thing. It was so intoxicating though. From the first day I saw Paul, I don't know what came over me. It was like being back in high school, and having a crush on someone. Then Marge told him what I'd told her I'd do if I wasn't married, and he came after me. It was so thrilling to have all the tension between us.'

"I was so pissed off after they went outside to find a person to head our department, and then he walked in that first day. I don't even think I took my eyes off of him. Marge came over as soon as she could to talk about him, and she could see right away how I felt. That was the Monday he showed up, and by Wednesday Marge had told him about me. Then on Thursday, knowing full well I was married, he just walks up and started flirting with me. He said so many nice things, things Dan hadn't said in a long time.'

"That night I attacked Dan, but all I could think about was Paul. Then Friday, early after lunch, Paul walked up, and asked me to come out with him, and some of the others. I told him I couldn't, but I sure as hell wanted to. All weekend long I couldn't get him off my mind. Monday morning I let Dan have the shower first, and he was gone by the time I was finished with my make-up. When Paul walked into the office he couldn't keep his eyes off me. My dress was a little tighter, and a little shorter, and I returned all of his looks with smiles. That whole week was torture. Finally on Thursday afternoon he pulled me aside, and told me he couldn't take it anymore, and said, how did he put it, oh ya he said I can't take it anymore I need to see you under me, and feel me in you. I'm sorry mother, but you wanted to hear all about it.'

"Not Dan or either of the other two guys affected me like Paul. He just seemed to push all the right buttons. I let him do things to me I haven't let anyone else, including Dan. I couldn't stop after just one time. He'd walk up behind me, and do unspeakable things to me, and all the while other people are working just a few feet away. After the first week, he had me cut Dan off, I still haven't figured out how I did that. Dan must be under a lot of pressure at work, or it would never have lasted that long. Every night I would lie in bed next to Dan thinking I had to put a stop to this, but then the next day at work Paul would start in on me the minute I walked through the door. I guess I was stupid enough to believe that I would be the one that never got caught.'

"Well that didn't go over too well. What are you going to do now? I can't see Dan as being the forgive, and forget kind of guy," Debra said.

"I can't really blame him now can I? You should have heard him when he called on the phone that day. He tried everything to get me to come home, and I just kept saying no to him. You know what? I just realized that I never once told him I was sorry for what I did. Not on the phone, not at the house, and not that night. I know I felt guilty, and maybe even remorse, but I never said I was sorry. To tell the truth I couldn't have said much of anything. In all our years together I have never seen him like that. He seemed so… calm, everything but his eyes. You should have seen his eyes. Even in that dark club it looked like there were sparks coming from them. Then the whole time he was talking to Paul he it was like he had overheard us, and was calmly standing there congratulating us.'

"When I started coming out of my trance I heard what he was saying to Paul about how nice that it was our two month anniversary. He went on about how he remembered his, but that after eleven years they just don't seem to mean as much. With a big smile on his face he said he couldn't leave without giving each of us a gift. Then it was like time just stood still. I saw him flip his ring through the air towards me, and the next thing I know Paul's nose was bleeding all over the place. I was trying so hard to get the blood to stop I didn't hear what Dan said, and when I looked up all I saw was him walking out the front door of the club. After the way he looked at me I didn't have the guts to go after him. I helped Paul back to his room, and called Dan to tell him I was on my way home to talk. After I got off the phone with you I didn't think there was much of a chance, but I had to go to the house and try. I'm going to give him a couple of days to cool off, and see if he might miss me a little. Once he sees what life is like without me, I think I'll be able to talk him into taking me back," Kate said.

"I don't know honey; I have never seen Dan like that before. He didn't once raise his voice. He was so matter of fact about everything, that it gave me chills," Debra said.

"He's still feeling the pain, but after he calms down he'll see that he still loves me. He's a practical guy; he won't throw away thirteen years together. I just have to figure out how to make him see that. If I can figure out a way to get him in bed, I'll have his mind changed in a heartbeat. After all, I know how long it's been since he last had any sex, it shouldn't be that hard to get him to take me to bed. A guy in his forties isn't going to get women flocking to him, I don't care how good he is in bed," Kate said.

"What do you mean, no matter how good in bed? If he's good, why were you looking for something else? I mean with your dad, it was different. Your father has to be one of the worst lovers on the planet, and one of the least equipped, but I love him to death," Debra said.

"Mother, how do you think I made it past my tenth anniversary before I went outside? He can do things to me that make my hair stand on end, and he's actually a little bigger then all three of the others, but after listening to you, and Marge I just started wanting something more. I couldn't bring myself to ask Dan to do those things to me, so when the right guy came along I let him know I was interested. After the first time it got easier, and then Paul came into the picture. But I can't let that end eleven years of marriage. I still love Dan as much or more then the day I married him, I won't let him throw that away," Kate said.

Night two post Kate, and here I sit in the dark with a drink in my hand. Never did like drinking, there are just too many other ways to loose control without having to look at what I ate for lunch after the deed. It's been too long since the last time that I was that stupid, I just can't bring myself to do more then sip at it while I think about the train wreck that has become my life.

In my forties, and alone, that's not really how I had things figured. I had felt so secure, and now I feel like I fell into a deep pit, and can't get out. I know it started close to three months ago, but after just finding out about it, the wound is pretty deep, and fresh. I've been sitting here trying to figure out how she did it. How do you look someone in the eye, and be so totally dishonest with them. I guess I was one of the lucky ones that got skipped when they handed out that gene. I can run a pretty fair bluff, but I can't outright lie well enough to get anyone to believe me. Kate always said that there was no way I could ever cheat on her, because she would know the minute see saw my eyes. Too bad she didn't have that quality.

Christ, I can't start over again at my age. What the hell am I supposed to do, go look for some little sugar baby, and blow the rest of my life trying to keep up with her? It was so easy with Kate. We knew each other so well that a lot of times we didn't even have to talk to know what the other was thinking. Neither of us were virgins on our wedding night, but that only seemed to help. We both knew what we liked, and weren't afraid to ask for it. She never once sounded dissatisfied about our love life, and there wasn't anything we wouldn't try. Over the last year things have been a little different, but I thought we still loved each other, maybe there was still a chance.

I could only remember a couple of other times when things got this strained around the house, and they were both in the last year. Even then it was only for about a week the first time, and only a couple of days the next. I did everything I could to find out what had caused the minor blow ups, but Kate seemed to return to normal quickly, and the second time I just left her alone, and she got over it quicker.

Okay, wait a minute, now I had never really given a lot of thought to those earlier times. Every couple has a bad week now and again. I had never had a reason to look any closer at the two earlier episodes. The first time Kate had come home from an out of town trip. She seemed very moody from the minute she got in the door. I asked her what was wrong and she told me to drop it. I couldn't hold back later when I caught her starring off in space, and looking ready to cry. I asked her again to tell me what was wrong, and she flew off the handle. She screamed at me to stop interrogating her, and ran off crying. For five days she wouldn't even let me touch her. That was in the fall of last year, and then in February she went out of town on another business trip. When she got back she was again very moody, and wouldn't let me get close to her. Three days later life was back to normal.

Of course I didn't have any way of knowing, but with the rose colored glasses now off I had to re-think a few things. Guilt trips, they were fucking guilt trips. What else could it be? Life is good; she comes home, and won't let me touch her for a week. We hadn't even fought. Life returns to good. She leaves, comes home, and won't let me touch her for three days, again with no reason. It's getting a little easier to get over it, I guess. Next time out of the shoot, hell she doesn't even have to leave. In walks Mr. New, Mr. Exciting, Mr. can't keep his hands off me, he sees a beautiful woman giving him the look, and the hunt is on. A wedding ring, bah, a ring is for sitting on a finger, not keeping pants closed, especially if the wearer doesn't want to keep them closed. I guess that little guilt thing had just been swept under the rug.

Kate's a beautiful woman. Not having kids, she had kept her figure well, and while not overly, she didn't mind showing what she had. That, I just realized, had changed this year too. She was always very fashion conscience, but on the conservative side. Pants got tighter, skirts got shorter, but Kate's were always a little looser, and a little longer. In the last year I'd say Kate's wardrobe was brought, kicking and screaming into the twenty-first century. She didn't wear jeans often, but the slacks she wore showed off her butt very nicely. The skirts got shorter, and she started doing more and different things with her hair, and make-up. Well, I guess the first two guys had gotten her ready for number three, the one that she couldn't eat just once.

The splash, the crash, and the pain informed me that another innocent glass had given its life in the name of human sanity. I got up out of the chair shaking the broken glass off me onto the floor, and started for the bathroom. After being blinded, while turning on the light, I looked down to inspect the damage I had just done to myself. The pad of my thumb and the second joint of both my index, and middle fingers had been cut. I washed things up, put on some band-aids, changed clothes, and went out to deal with the mess. The other mess, I'd start dealing with tomorrow. Getting someone started on the paperwork might help me start to think about getting past some of the pain.

One week later the band-aids were off, and so were the kid gloves. I'd had the paperwork for a couple of days, but I didn't think I should get too near her right now The rage in me had been building to a head, and I needed to get away from people before it did. It was Wednesday, and I had to talk to Craig.

"Hey Craig, you busy?" I asked opening his office door.

"Hey Dan, no man come on in," he said.

"Listen man, my head is going to fucking explode, and I need to get away from anyone that could come to harm. Do you mind if I take a few days off?" I asked.

"Man, I told you that last week, but no you had to come in here to 'keep my mind off shit'. Half the fucking staff looks down the hall to see if you're there before they walk into it." His face changed when he saw the look on mine. "Look, I'm sorry. I know you're in a lot of pain, and you don't think you can get through this, but I know you can. Take the time, and get your head on straight. Jesus, if I haven't fired you by now, why would you think I would?" he said laughing.

"Thanks, I just have to get this finished. I'll give you a call this weekend. See ya later," I said.

"Don't climb too far into that thick skull of yours, you might not find your way out," he said.

"See ya later," I said walking out of his door.

I went out, got in my car, and started for home. For the last week I've been living off of coffee, and Chinese take-out. As I got close to the house I decided I needed some real food, and pulled into the little grocery store near home. I grabbed a steak, and everything for a good salad, some chips, and soda. Back in the car I was thinking about grilling up the steak as I turned into the driveway. There on the step sat Kate. She put on a big smile as I drove past into the garage.

"Hi honey, I thought I'd stop by, and see how you were doing. I called the office, but they said you had left early. I hope you're not coming down with something," she said.

"Nope, I'm healthy as a horse. You being here is good timing though, it will save me one thing to do before I get out of here tomorrow," I said.

"Get out of here, where are you going? I was hoping we might try talking again this weekend," she said trying to look hurt.

"Sorry I plan to be up to my chest in a river with my fly rod. I just took a couple days off work, and I'm taking off for the mountains tomorrow. Now I can leave even earlier then I planned because I won't have to wait for you to get to work," I said.

"Wait for what? Why would you have to wait for me to get to work?" she asked.

"Well, you never told me where you were going to be staying, and work was the best place to catch up with you. Come in, I'll get you something to drink," I said.

I put the groceries away, and gave Kate a soda. "I'll be right back."

I went to my car, got my briefcase out, and took it into the kitchen where Kate was still waiting. I set it down on the table, opened it, and started searching for the thick envelope. "Ah, here it is, and here you go, as promised no process server, right from my hand to yours."

"What's this?" she said turning a few shades lighter.

"The reason for my little vacation, those are the divorce papers I promised you. The fee has been paid, so if you wouldn't mind, maybe you could drop them off at the courthouse tomorrow. Damn, I should be able to beat all the traffic, and be up there early," I said.

"You don't even want to talk about this?" she asked looking at the envelope.

"Well, I was really trying to avoid it, but if you think you have something to say, I guess thirteen years buys you right to say it," I said sighing, and leaning back against the counter.

"I was hoping to talk to you before you had these drawn up. I was kind of trying to let you cool down a little, and see if there still might be a chance for us," she said looking up at me hopefully.

"After the second night it was too late for that. If you had gotten to me on the first night, and maybe tried to use your body on me it might have worked, but not after a little more time bouncing around in my head. Nope, just please sign those and drop them off, and we can just try and move on," I said.

"Move on, Jesus Dan we've been together for half of our lives, and you just want end it, and move on. I was never in love with him I was pretty attracted, but never in love. Dan, you're the only man I have ever loved," she said pleading.

"So you didn't love the other two either?" I asked quickly.

"No… hold it, what other two?" she said, her eyes getting larger when she looked into mine and saw me starring back at her.

"There, you see, that was the reason I was trying to avoid having to talk to you. All that second day I sat here trying to figure out how you pulled this off. Then I started to think about all the lying you had to have been doing, and Kate I just don't want to hear any more. Sign the papers, and move on Kate. That's what I'm going to do. One of these days these fucking nightmares are going to stop, and I'll get through it, but that's all you are to me now, a nightmare. Now, instead of getting even deeper into this, why don't you let me get to my packing, and I'll just drive off into the sunset," I said looking at her with her head down, and a couple of actual tears running down, and dropping from the tip of her nose.

"How did you find out? Who told you about it?" she said in a small voice.

"You did. You know, I must just come off as the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. I mean why wouldn't I? I missed something like this for so long. In ten years of marriage how many times did you cut me off from sex? Twice, and both times after some stupid fight, and never for more then a couple of days. Let's face it, you always liked sex as much as I did. Then you come home from a week long business trip, and are an emotional wreck, screaming at me for no reason, and not letting me touch you for a week. Things return to normal, and then after a while it happens again. This time it didn't last as long, only three days. It must be true what they say about it getting easier over time. And then Mr. Wonderful shows up, and guilt doesn't even bother to show its face. You two just carry on like life is just wonderful.'

"Remember the last time we talked, you said what you did with him didn't mean anything? Well how do you suppose I felt not being able to have sex with my own wife, and then find out it was because her boyfriend had told not to? Does that sound like that boyfriend didn't mean anything to you? It sounds like someone trying their level best to humiliate someone, and doing a damn good job. After ten years of marriage you just stop giving yourself to your husband, in favor of another man. You know you tell people about this, and they say, oh how unoriginal, another cheating wife story. Well it isn't original, and I don't find it exciting thinking of my wife with another man, let alone thinking of her in an all out relationship with him. Well Kate, it may not have meant anything to you, but it did to me. Now if you're quite through with what you had to say, I really need to get to my packing. There are fish out there just waiting to be caught, and I'm going to do my best to see that it happens."

"Well, I'm not finished. I'm not going to let you just give up on our marriage. I am not going to sign these papers. You are just going to be stuck with me," she said straightening up, and trying to look confident.