I Hate You (Justin's Side)

The good things about going to college during the summer semester were smaller classes, sunny days and weekends skating. It also gave me time to write and prepare for the adjustment from living at home to being a college student without the intensity of the Fall Semester. I'd always been a bookworm; my father had to practically kick me out of the house to get me to do anything other than read, write and study. Dad had been a jock; I wasn't what he'd wanted out of a son. My sister was a better son to him than I was; of course, as far as Dad was concerned, he had two daughters. Yeah, my parents knew I was gay. They'd been cool with it, and supported me through my coming out, but I know it was just one more disappointment for my father. When I had a chance to go to college early, I jumped at it.

The only problem with summer semester was the heat. Why I chose a southern college was beyond me. I suppose I was planning on having warmer winters and didn't think about the fact that summers would broil your skin off by noon. Of course, that also meant there were a lot of great looking guys wandering about with their shirts off. I think that's how I fell for Bryan; it wasn't quite love at first sight, we had English class together so we'd already seen each other a lot, but it was definitely infatuation at first stumble.

"Look Out!" It was all I could think to call out as some idiot walked right into the skate-zone while I was taking my turn. He ruined a really good shot at some air. I didn't plow right into him by a combination of his quick reflexes and my nearly throwing myself off the board to keep from hitting him.

He was muttering to himself as I got back to him, shaking his head and brushing himself off. I realized who it was before he looked up. "Hey, Bryan, you ok?"

He looked stunned, and for a moment I was worried. Then he had to hit me with that ironic sense of humor of his. "Damn, Justin." Standing up, he finished brushing off. "I know you like me, but you don't have to plow me into the dirt to get my attention."

I choked. I hadn't planned on being in the closet, but I also hadn't told anyone I was gay. I didn't realize it was that obvious. The worst part was that I did like Bryan. He was tall, handsome, intelligent and really nice. I looked at the ground and turned to go back up to the start of the run. "Yeah, sorry Bryan."

"Hey, how long you going to skate?"

I stopped and checked my watch before shrugging. I really hadn't made any friends yet at school, and I was feeling a little lonely. Being a freshman sucked. "Another half hour I guess. Asphalt will be too hot to do anything after that."

"Some guys are getting together for Frisbee down on the field. Why don't you come down after you're done?" He looked me over like trying to assess if I was up to it.

I blinked. "Really?"

"Yeah, I'll even hang while you finish your freaky shit." He winked.

I don't think I'd ever had a good looking guy wink at me before. It was only friendly, but damn if it didn't curl my toes. I nodded and jogged back up for my next turn. I did better that half hour than I'd done the last two weeks; I think having an audience helped. One thing was for sure; I'd impressed Bryan.

"I just can't believe a bookworm like you can skate like that."

I beamed. I couldn't believe how good it felt to have someone notice. "Dad insisted that I had to be outside doing something 'physical' any day it wasn't raining. I hated team sports so I just rode my board around. After a while, I just got into it."

He laughed and then waved at some guys tossing about a Frisbee absently. "Hey guys, this is Justin."

They all greeted me with smiles. Bryan was apparently quite popular with a diverse set of people, and the addition of a geeky freshman didn't seem to faze them. I thought that was so cool.

Bryan looked at our group for a moment. "Want to do teams?" The affirmative nods went all around, but I was feeling more than a little outclassed. Bryan just smiled and put his hand on my shoulder. "Well, since Just's already shirtless, we'll be skins."

Tony, a dark guy with shoulders about two miles wide, decided he'd go skins since he was shirtless too. Teams were set; I was doomed. Smiling, Bryan handed me the Frisbee and peeled off his shirt. I just stood there, awestruck. Bryan was perfect; tall, dark hair, hazel eyes, wide shoulders and just enough hair on his chest and abs to say "I'm all man". I felt like such a loser; I also had to fight the urge to throw a bone. That would have gone over like a lead balloon.

He laughed and mussed my hair. "Come on, squirt, let's teach these lard-asses that brains and beauty always win over brawn."

I blushed. I couldn't tell if he was teasing me because he knew what I was thinking, or if he was just having a good time. We didn't win; honestly, I suck at team sports. I'm not scared of the ground, getting hurt or looking like an idiot. I just don't seem to coordinate well with others. Bryan didn't seem to care.

In fact, that was when we started hanging together more. We made Saturday morning board and game a ritual. I would skate till the asphalt got unbearable and then we'd head for the fields for a Frisbee or V-ball game. I tried to get him on the board a few times. He sucked at it almost as bad as I did at team sports, but tried to look cool doing it. I suppose it was just as well; he got to spike me into the sand more than a couple times in V-ball. It was kind of like sibling rivalry; to me it felt almost like foreplay. Being with Bryan made me feel special; not the "in the glow of a popular guy" special, but he simply seemed to genuinely like me and went out of his way to make me feel welcome.

Ok, I had a crush on him by the end of the summer. What gay guy wouldn't? It was near the end of the summer session when we got our room assignments I'd gotten placed in one of the older dorms, Brownstone Hall; Bryan said the place sucked. We were having lunch just before exams week when Bryan threw me for a loop.

"Just," he asked between bites of his hotdog, "would you like to room together?"

I thought I was going to choke. I dropped my burger on the plate and took a huge swig of Coke. Blinking back the tears, I coughed. "You mean it?" I couldn't believe a sophomore as popular as Bryan would want a freshman roommate. Not to mention, Stafford Hall was a great place.

"Yeah. My freshmen roommate sucked, and since you didn't sign up for anyone you know you're going to be in a crapshoot for whom you get." He shrugged. "We get along, and there's a chance they'll stick me with some jerk at the last minute. At least with you, I know this year I'll like my roomie."

I smiled; if only he knew how incredible he made me feel. I still couldn't figure out why Bryan liked hanging out with me. He'd never shown any indication that he was gay; if anything, he seemed indifferent to the whole idea of dating and sex. "You don't mind rooming with a freshman?"

Laughing he punched me in the arm. "Nah, you're a geek but you make me laugh!"

* * * * *

Bryan really didn't push me about explaining my family life or anything. He just took me as I was. I don't think I ever told him how important that was to me. I was so overwhelmed with being a freshman, and away from home, that it was great just to have someone who was there for me. It only got better when we moved in. The first really personal question he asked was over a picture. I don't think I was ready to discuss it, but I wasn't going to hide either. Along with the pictures of my parents and sister, I had a picture of my best friend and first love. God I missed him

"Hey, Justin, who's the skater?" He nodded to the picture as I stuffed my socks and underwear into my dresser.

I went over and picked up the picture. My fingers traced it. "That's Matt, Matt Thompson. He was my best friend." Matt had been the guy I'd come out for. It wasn't so much a full blown love affair as it was "friends with benefits." It didn't mean I wasn't missing him.

Bryan cocked his head. "Was?"

I sighed and set the picture down. "Yeah. He was a year ahead of me in school so I haven't seen him in over a year." Shrugging, I grabbed some shorts and opened a drawer. "We still email, but he went to school up north. Since I started University in the summer, I haven't seen him since Christmas Break."

"That's less than a year." He smirked and tried to keep the mood light, but it didn't work.

"Yeah, but he'd met someone and all he could do was think and talk about 'love'." I know I sounded bitter as I stuffed my shorts in the drawer. "I'm happy for him, but it felt like I wasn't even there."

I was just standing there, feeling sorry for myself, when he draped his arm over my shoulders and mussed my hair. "Well, you've got me now. I won't be graduating and leaving you behind."

I don't think he had any idea what that meant to me. Bryan always seemed to know what to do to make me feel great. "You're the greatest, Bryan."

He laughed and went back to his unpacking. "Yeah, it's hard to be perfect, but someone has to do it."

* * * * *

Bryan really helped me come out of my shell during the semester. I would normally just eat, do classes, go to the library, and return to the dorm room. Bryan would have nothing of it. If I didn't do something social at least three or four times a week, he was on my case. It was like having my own social director.

Don't get the wrong impression of Bryan. He was even more dedicated to his studies than I was. His studies, however, involved relating with people; he was a thespian, and that meant being able to shine in a crowd. Oh boy did he ever. To keep him from driving me nuts about being someplace other than the room or the library, I started doing some of my studies during his rehearsals. It was cool, actually, and a hell of a lot of fun. It was like having TV playing in the background, but the TV had no commercials.

One thing I did notice was that nearly everyone flirted with Bryan. I do mean everyone. The guys, the girls, the teachers; they all found him irresistible. The weird thing was, Bryan noticed and played back a little, but he simply wasn't interested. How a guy who was a walking wet dream could avoid all the opportunities being thrown at him was mind boggling. I knew if I'd had people hot after me like that, I'd have been set. Sometimes, when someone would make a pass at him, he'd look at me with a "can you believe this shit" roll of his eyes and a whimsical smile.

Bryan knew he was good looking; he just didn't seem to care. He treated his looks like a set of clothes or the size of his shoes; they were what they were, and he would use them if needed and keep them in good condition when he wasn't using them. At the moment, he wasn't using them. That made him all the sexier, because good looking guys who don't flaunt it are really hot. I wasn't the only one who thought that way.

We were kicking back, looking at the autumn leaves after a game of Frisbee, when I just had to know. "You don't date."

He laughed. "No time."

Was that an evasion, or was it that he really just didn't care? I was trying to figure him out when he grabbed me around the neck and made me laugh by nuggying me. I made half-hearted attempts to get away, but I really did like having him rough house with me. "How can I have time for dating with you around? You're such an attention hound!"

I pulled out of his hold and stuck my tongue out at him. Yeah I know; really mature. I was blushing, and studied my toes for a second before smiling. "Ok."

We were best friends, but everything Bryan did had me believing that maybe we were something more

* * * * *

I really enjoyed school. I love study and research. I also had an easy time explaining things in ways others understood. I planned to go for my Masters and possibly a Doctorate, and then try my hand at teaching writing. I had only one problem; exams. I always froze during exams. Maybe it was a phobia, or a neurotic fear of failure, but the moment a test was under my nose I would forget everything. I'd survived mid-terms with only a minor panic attack; finals were an entirely different thing. If it hadn't been for Bryan, I wouldn't have survived it.

I'd been frantically searching my notes for my Philosophy exam forever. After another complete disassembly of my notebook, Bryan finally tossed down his text and snapped at me. "Justin, chill out! You're driving me nuts."

I knew I was losing it, but like a lemming running for the cliff I couldn't seem to stop. "I'm sorry, Bryan. I'm so fucked up."

He came over and massaged my neck. God his fingers felt good. All I wanted to do was lean into him and have him take me away from it all for a while. "All you need is a good night's rest, bud. You've been drinking Coke like water and falling asleep at the desk for days. You're going to be fried by finals."

I bowed my head and nodded. "Yeah. I've always been like this. I used to drive my parents nuts."

"So, how'd they deal with it?"

He dug into one of the knots in my shoulder and I moaned. I hadn't wanted to tell him, but it just slipped out. "It was really stupid."

"What?"

I swallowed. "How Mom dealt with me." I shrugged off his hands and stood up. "Thanks, Bryan." I was so embarrassed.

"You didn't tell me what she did." He smirked. "How can I help my bro out if I don't know what to do?"

"Drop it; it doesn't matter." He already knew I was gay. I didn't need to let him know I was a wimpy little mama's boy too.

He reached out and mussed my hair. "Come on, Just. What?"

I couldn't meet his eyes. "Mom used to hold me and sing me to sleep when it got bad."

I waited for him to laugh at me; I know I'd have laughed at me. What college aged guy needs to be sung to sleep when he's stressed? Instead, his reaction was anticlimactic. "Oh."

I blinked at him. "Oh? I'm a fucking wimp and all you can say is 'oh'?" I was trembling.

"It's weird, but I accepted you're weird when we became friends." I wanted him to hold me. I wanted him to tell me I wasn't a loser. He didn't do either. "I'm just trying to figure out how to get your Mom up here to help."

Oops, he hit the shiny red button; I blew. "Oh, fuck you! I don't need my Mommy to kiss away my booboos!" I grabbed for my stuff and tried to get to the door.

"Hey!" He grabbed my arm. "I didn't mean it that way."

I panicked. It was irrational and completely nuts, but I fought him. Of all the people I didn't want to freak out on, Bryan was the one I never wanted to do it with; so much for what I wanted. My books went everywhere as the struggle overturned my book bag. Landing on my bed, he held me to him and didn't let go till I stopped fighting.

I started crying into his shirt. I was so ashamed. "I'm sorry, Bryan." I couldn't stop shaking. I'd never let anyone know what I'd just told Bryan; even my Dad didn't know. It was my secret, my shame, and now it was out. I couldn't look at him; I knew he must have thought I was such a loser.

He didn't say anything about it. He just looked at the clock and was so kind and patient. "Let's get some rest, Just. I don't think either of us could study any more tonight."

He let me go and stood up. I nodded absently and got off the bed. We stripped down to our boxers and took turns brushing and using the toilet. When I got back into the room, Bryan pulled back the sheets and climbed into my bed.

I just blinked at him; my brain was burned out. "Bryan, what are you doing?"

"You're Mom's not here; I thought I'd help my little bro' out."

I looked down at my feet. For a moment his eyes seemed to beg me not to argue. I just couldn't understand why he'd go to all the trouble. "You don't have to..."

"Oh shut up and get in." He snapped at me, but when I looked up he had a grin on his face. "I'm not going to threaten your virtue!"

I laughed. "Not that I could stop you if you tried."

"Yeah, I could have had you any time I wanted; I'm such a stud. Now get in here before I change my mind." He didn't know how true that was. All he'd have to do was ask; I'd have done anything he wanted.

I got in, and he reached across me to turn off the desk lamp. I waited, holding my breath, and tried not to get excited. I had one of the hottest guys in the theater program, nearly naked, in my bed. Finally he just wrapped his arm around me and pulled me to him. We were spooning. Matt and I had done that a few times, and it was my favorite position. I couldn't ignore the bulge pressed against my ass; he wasn't hard, but he wasn't completely flaccid either. I started to wonder if he wanted me to do anything.

Before I could decide, he started to hum. It was a soft, relaxing tune, and I realized in addition to everything else, Bryan had a great singing voice. I melted, and just sank against him. He had me; we both knew it. I murmured, "I love you," under my breath, and my body trembled for a moment before I fell asleep. That was the first thing I thought when I woke up. I'd told him the truth, but I hadn't been awake to know how he'd reacted to it.

The long, hard part of him that was pressing against my butt led me to believe he didn't object to being there. I certainly wasn't objecting. I'd had enough toss-off fantasies of Bryan while I was in the shower that I knew exactly what I wanted to do. The problem was that his hold was a bit too secure for me to move much. I had to content myself with rubbing my ass against his shaft. I moaned a little when he pulled me in a bit tighter and started to nuzzle my neck. He wasn't awake, but I didn't care. One of his hands was petting me as I ground against him. It wasn't long before he was wedged completely between my cheeks while rubbing his chin along my jaw and ear. I wished he was awake; I wanted Bryan to push me down on the bed and fuck me. I didn't last long enough; just the feel of him against me, with his morning stubble rubbing against my ear, had me trembling as I bit my lower lip to keep from crying out. My boxers were soaked.

Bryan continued to caress me for a little bit, but then he just stilled and held me to him. He hadn't woken up, and I was beginning to feel guilty. I had no real idea if he was interested, and I'd just used him as a sex toy. It took a little doing, but I got out of bed and into the bathroom without waking him. I felt so dirty. I couldn't look at him when I got back in; he'd woken up while I was in the bathroom changing my soiled pants. "Morning."

He got out of bed, reached out and mussed my hair like nothing had happened. "Feeling better?"

"Yeah, thanks." I rummaged around, picking up my books while Bryan went to the bathroom. He came out wearing nothing. That wasn't unusual, but this time it meant something more to me. I'd had that body against me all night; I'd shot my wad with him caressing me in his sleep. My eyes followed him as he went back to his bed and flopped down. Suddenly, I was scared. "Are you ok with me?"

He blinked. "Sure, we're cool." After a moment, Bryan smiled at the ceiling. "It was kind of nice. I've never sung someone to sleep before."

I felt like jumping for joy; I was so happy. We were ok; no, we were more than ok. The way he smiled and the undertone in his voice were so warm. I just knew he must have felt something.

Finals came and went without a hitch. Thanks to my god of a roommate, I was able to handle it without a nervous breakdown. I was in love, and I knew it. Bryan and I were having our breakfast ritual; Starbucks coffees, muffins and fruit out in the park. It was cold but we didn't care. We'd started it last summer and had no intention of stopping. We were both packed for the holidays and would be heading home to our families for Christmas.

He raised his coffee to me with a smile. "To a semester survived!"

I laughed and raised my cup. "To not freaking out during exams."