I was Gonna Learn to Fly

"Thank you for the balloons," she said. "I'm guessing you bought those yesterday."

"Yeah, I stopped after work. They were actually filled with Helium and went all the way up to the ceiling. Now they're just kind of floating around at waist level."

"I'm sorry," she chuckled. "I really do appreciate the thought. You're not mad, are you? Mom and Dad kept asking me questions about Hollywood and I couldn't just cut them off."

"No, I'm not mad. I saved up some money and was going to take you out to dinner, but I guess we can do that tonight."

"That sounds fantastic," she said, leaning over and giving me another kiss. "You haven't eaten yet, have you?"

"No, I was waiting for you."

"Good, because I'm taking us out for breakfast. What's the sense of becoming a movie star if I can't treat the man I love?"

All through breakfast, I was getting that feeling again, the feeling that something was wrong. She did most of the talking, which is usually a sign that she's nervous about something. It wasn't until we got back to the apartment that I finally learned what was bothering Sue.

We were sitting on the couch wrapped in each other's arms. She started nervously playing with the buttons on my shirt before looking up at me. "I...I have something to tell you and I'm afraid you're going to be mad," she said, apprehensively.

"I knew something's been bothering you, ever since we talked that night on the phone."

"Yeah, that morning was the first time I'd seen the script," she explained. "I talked with Mom and Dad the other night. Mom kind of took it in stride, but Dad wasn't too pleased. I can only image how you're going to take it."

"Take what, honey?" She was starting to worry me.

"Well, I...have to kiss a guy, and it's not just a peck on the cheek, it's a passionate kiss."

"That's it? Honey, I've seen you kiss guys on the stage before. I know it's only acting."

"Yeah, but...well, I'm topless when I'm doing it."

At first I was stunned. I was not expecting anything like that, certainly not in her first film. "You're topless...as in naked from the waist up?"

She nodded her head. "There's more," she said, sheepishly. "He reaches around from behind me and undoes the buttons of my shirt. I'm not wearing a bra. After the shirt falls open he starts playing with my tits. That's when I turn around and kiss him."

I have no idea what contorted mess my face must have been in, but she took one look and got scared.

"Honey, it's a pretty short scene and we only kissed for a few seconds before they yelled cut."

My mind was split between two trains of thought. Acting or not, I didn't like the idea of some guy playing with Sue's tits, but I was even more concerned about her career.

"Honey, I'm not going to say I'm happy about some guy fondling your tits, but I think before accepting anymore roles, you should ask more questions. You and I have both read about actors who got typecast early in their careers. You certainly don't want to get hired just because they know you'll take your clothes off. You're far too good an actress for that."

"Harry, they didn't hire me simply because they thought I'd take my clothes off," she replied sharply, "and as far as being a good actress—shit, that town is crawling with good actresses, most of them are waiting tables at some greasy spoon. They'd kill for a part like I had."

My head was swimming. Somehow I hadn't given much thought to this aspect of Sue's career, or at least I didn't think I'd be dealing with it so soon. "So what are you saying, that you'll take any part no matter what?"

"No!" she said angrily. "You know me better than that. I'm not going to be doing porn, for Pete's sake. That was a mean thing to say.

"Look, all I'm saying is that I'm not going to turn down a good part simply because it might entail some nudity, I can't. Hell, honey, there's a lot of well-known actresses that do nude scenes."

She was right. At that moment, I remembered watching a very hot sex scene in a movie with Julie Christie and Donald Sutherland. They were both naked as Jay birds. I was trying to be mature and not seem jealous or insecure, but I wasn't sure how I was going to handle it if she took parts like that. I tried to push the thought out of my mind. I'd just have to deal with it, if and when it came up.

"I'm not trying to be mean, honey, it's just...it's just that I hope you'll take parts that show your acting ability and not just your sex appeal, that's all. I love you, babe, and I have all the confidence in the world that you can make it on talent." I saw a small smile.

"You maybe a little prejudiced in that department, honey." Her smile widened as she leaned over and gave me a kiss. "Don't worry, honey, if I don't think a part will be good for my career, I won't take it.

"Mike, the director, told me I should get an agent. He even gave me the name of one to call, Jerry Lundawahl. He said some agents won't even take on a new actress until she's been in several movies, but Jerry will take someone brand new if he thinks they have a future. Mike even said he'd call him and give me a recommendation. If he's my agent, I'm sure he can help me pick the right parts, as well."

The agent sounded like a good idea to me. I smiled and felt much better. She wasted no time and called him the next day. He had already received the call from Mike so I'm guessing it was just a technicality, but he wanted to see her later that week. I really didn't want to take more time away from my flying lessons, so I agreed to let her parents take her to the train station.

She was only supposed to be down there for the day, but after accepting her as a client, Jerry wanted her to get professional pictures taken for her comp cards. The earliest appointment she could get was in two days, so instead of going back and forth again, she just stayed in a cheap motel down there.

The day after she came back, the local repertory company approached her with the lead in a new production. She accepted, but was up front and told them they might need a stand-in if a movie role came up. They agreed, and for a while, between her schedule and mine, we barely got a chance to say hi to one another.

Finally, after about three weeks, things were starting to calm down. Cold readings for the new play were over and Sue was learning her lines. Rehearsals weren't to start for another two weeks, and to her disappointment, she hadn't heard anything from Jerry.

Over the next couple months, things fell into a regular routine. Sue was a smash in the play and had been written up in several of the local paper's theater sections. I had my private pilot's license, but that's when the real work began.

For Sue, the timing couldn't have been better. She really enjoyed her part in the play and was sorry to see it end, but two days later her agent called. That brightened her spirits immediately. I'd have given anything to fly her down there, but renting a plane wasn't in my budget. She didn't really seem too keen on the idea anyway, so once again, I drove her to the train station in Oakland.

This time it was just to read for a part so she was back that night. From there it was a waiting game. They had more actresses to test and who knew how long before the powers that be made up their minds. After three weeks, she still hadn't heard, but in the meantime, she tested for two more parts.

This went on for months. Sue turned down a role for another play because she didn't want to abandon them midway in if Hollywood called.

I think those months were as hard on me as they were on Sue. All I could do was sit there and watch her get her hopes up after testing for a part, only to have them dashed to pieces every time they gave it to someone else. I still had confidence in her talent and knew that if she just hung in there, she'd eventually make it. In spite of my encouragement and rah, rah speeches, however, Sue's self-confidence was deteriorating.

She was deciding whether or not to decline the next part offered by the playhouse when her agent called again. I could see her eyes lighting up as she talked. It was good to see some new enthusiasm as she hung up.

"I have to go to L.A. again tomorrow for another reading," she said with excitement. "Jerry says I'm perfect for the part and thinks I have a great chance at getting it this time. He says it's a break out part. That means it could really boost my career."

"Honey, that's fantastic. What time do you have to be there?"

"Ten," she replied. "I'll have to grab the six o'clock train, honey. Will you be able to take me?"

"Of course," I answered with a big grin. It was good to see her smiling again.

Since we had to be up at four-thirty the next morning, we made an early night of it, but we still took the time for a good-luck quickie.

She was back that night again. I could tell she did well by the restoration of her confidence level. She never stopped talking as we drove home. She told me her character was smart, brassy, and sarcastic. It was a part she could play to the hilt. She was sure that if she could just land that one part it would skyrocket her career.

That night she was my Sue again. We made love until dawn while she told me over and over again, how much she loved me. A few days later she got called back, this time for a screen test in full wardrobe. Things were starting to look very promising. I expected her home that night again, but she called and said she might have to do a third reading the following morning so she was going to stay down there. When I got home that night, the light on my answering machine was flashing. She asked that I not call her. She was going to bed early because she had to be at the studio at seven the following morning. Not being able to hear how everything went was disappointing, but I assumed they must have liked her if they wanted to see her again in the morning.

While all this was going on with Sue, I was working toward my instrument rating. It's kind of like going from grade school into high school, although I still had Carl as my instructor. I really liked him. I knew he liked me too. From the very start he could see how determined I was to become a commercial pilot. So many students drop out once they see how hard it is, and even if they get their private pilot's license, rarely do they go any further.

If Carl had time we'd sit in the airport coffee shop and talk, after my lesson. He was a good looking guy in his early forties, and in addition to teaching, he owned, Sky Blue Charter, his own one man chartering service. He had a sweet little twin engine Cessna, three-ten that he used to fly corporate big-wigs all around. I sometimes joked about us being in the same business, except he didn't have to deal with rush hour traffic.

The more we talked, the more I realized that even though he wore a wedding ring, he never spoke of his wife or family. One day I ask his wife's name. I'd never seen him look as sad as he told me his story.

Her name was Lisa. They fell in love while they were high school seniors. They shared an apartment together all through college and committed to getting married soon after graduation. Carl said he'd never seen her so happy and excited as she and her mother started planning the wedding. They ran around together, making arrangements for the church, the flowers, catering...everything needed for a proper wedding.

After a while, Lisa was starting to feel rundown. At first they all thought it was due to the grueling schedule she was keeping, but they got worried after a couple weeks passed without her feeling any better. Carl insisted she see a doctor. That's where they both learned of her breast cancer.

In spite of two operations and the usual treatments, Lisa's health declined more and more. Carl had tears in his eyes when he told me they had the wedding ceremony in the hospital room with just immediate family members attending. Less than a week later, she passed.

He told me the last time he saw her was after the church service. He stayed behind as everyone else left for the burial site. He kissed her one last time and made sure she was wearing her wedding rings as they closed the casket.

"I was totally lost after that," he told me. "I had no idea what I was going to do with the rest of my life. A couple weeks later I just happened to be walking past a Navy recruiting office. I didn't even think about it. I just walked in and signed up. That's where I learned to fly. Over ten years, they taught me that, and they taught me self-reliance. I'd probably still be in the service if my dad hadn't gotten sick. I applied for my discharge and came home to help him out. When he got better, I bought the three-ten, opened Sky Blue, and started teaching.

"As far as a wife and kids are concerned..." he paused a moment and just stared into space, "I'm not sure if it's because I'm afraid or I simply don't have it in me anymore, but I've never fallen in love again. She was my one and only."

He took a sip of coffee then looked up at me. "Are you a believer, Harry?"

"Ah, not really, Carl. I don't deny the existence of a God, but I can't really say I'm a believer either."

"I am," he replied. "I truly believe that someday Lisa and I will be together again. It's that thought that gets me up in the morning."

After our talk, I appreciated what I had with Sue that much more. That's probably why I expected to see her doing cartwheels when I later picked her up at the train station, but instead she seemed a little subdued. I drove her home and had a little time before having to report in for work so I poured us both a cup of coffee.

"So tell me, how'd it go?"

"Okay," she said after taking a sip of java. "I'm pretty sure I've got the part."

I was surprised to hear that because of her demeanor. I thought sure she was going to tell me they gave it to somebody else. "That's great, honey. You don't seem very excited. Is there something wrong?"

"No, hon, just tired, I guess. I was nervous and didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I met with the casting director this morning. He said he'd be in touch but I stopped by Jerry's afterward, and he said I was in."

"Honey, that's fantastic. Do you know anything more about the movie?"

"No, I don't take off my clothes, if that's what you're asking," she barked with a snotty attitude.

That surprised me. "No, that's NOT what I was asking," I replied in kind. "I didn't even think about that. I was just wondering if you knew what kind of movie it was; a comedy, an adventure flick, a mystery...?"

"I'm sorry, honey. I guess I'm more tired than I realized. It's kind of a half murder mystery, half comedy I guess you'd say. I play a smart-ass rookie cop," she said before taking another sip.

"Honey, I'm sorry to do this to you, but I'm going to spend the night with my folks again. I want to tell them the news and you know Mom and Dad; they'll beg me to spend the night. I'll be back tomorrow night though, I promise."

I remembered the last time she did that. She went over there to talk to her mom about being topless. I was getting that feeling again but she assured me nothing was wrong, so I let it go.

We only had a week together before she got the call from Jerry, telling her she officially had the job. She was one of the last actors hired, so they wanted her down at the studio right away. Shooting was to start in two weeks, and there was a lot to do. There were wardrobe fittings, experiments with hair and make-up, not to mention rehearsals and learning her lines. On a movie set, a lot of the rehearsing and learning lines was done during the filming, but it was still appreciated by the director if the actors were prepared going in, and Sue was determined to show everyone that she was a professional.

This was it. This was the part I had been dreading-being separated for so long. When I dropped her off at the train station, we had no idea how long it would be until we saw each other again. That night the phone started to ring as soon as I walked in the door from work. She was the only one who'd call that late so I ran to the phone and picked up on the third ring.

"Hi, babe."

I heard her giggle. "How'd you know it was me?"

"Because out of all my girlfriends, you're the only one who would call me this late," I joked.

"Uh, huh, I better be your only girlfriend there, buster."

I laughed. "So...how is it?"

"Exciting," she replied. "Everybody's so nice."

"Where are you staying?"

"Ah, I'm sharing another apartment with one of the other actresses again. There's just one problem..."

"What's that?"

"Well, the phone goes through a switch and it closes at eight. I can still call out but I can't get incoming calls after that. I doubt we'll be done shooting by that soon anyway, so I'll have to call you."

"Okay, that's no problem. You know my schedule. Your timing was perfect tonight. I was just walking in when the phone started to ring."

We talked a little longer, but we were both tired after getting up at four-thirty that morning, so we called it a night.

Over the next three months, she was able to make it home for a weekend only twice. Her parents missed her, I missed her, even the theater group missed her. A couple of times I wanted to come down and spend the weekend there, but she told me they shot most weekends, as well, so it would be a wasted trip.

Some nights I'd sit alone and try to imagine our future. What kind of life were we going to have between her off making movies somewhere, and me off flying to who knows where? The thought was depressing as hell.

To stay as sane as possible, I was trying my best to keep busy. I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel as far as my instrument rating was concerned. Since I worked in the evenings, my biggest problem was getting air time at night—still, things were progressing. Of course, just when you think everything's going smoothly, that's when the devil jumps up and bites you in the ass.

I needed a few items from the grocery store so I grabbed one of those hand baskets and found what I needed. As I was approaching the check out, something caught my eye...Sue!

Her picture was on the front cover of one of those Hollywood scandal sheets. In denial, I snatched it up from the rack to take a better look. It was her, alright. She was dressed in a flashy red evening gown with a plunging neckline that went almost to her navel, but what really had my blood boiling was the hot-shot she was with. They both had their arms around each other, and the caption above the picture read...

"Hollywood producer, Derek Jones and his new squeeze, actress Susan Bennet step out for a night on the town. Do we hear wedding bells?"

I have no idea how I got home without plowing the car into a light pole. I would have been crying if I hadn't been so damn angry. I knew I couldn't get a hold of her, and it was probably for the best, but I had to call somebody. Her folks were the next most logical to talk to. Mrs. Bennet answered.

"Hi, Mrs. Bennet. I was wondering if you've talked to Sue lately. It's been a couple days since I've heard from her."

"Ah, I talked to her night before last. Why? Is something wrong, Harry? You sound stressed."

"Evidently, you haven't been to the grocery store lately. She's splattered all over the front page of the tabloids with her arms around some Hollywood producer."

"What? No, I haven't seen that."

"The paper is talking about them getting married," I croaked.

"Oh, Harry, that's ridiculous. That girls loves you to death, you know that. I wouldn't get upset. Those tabloids are full of salacious lies. They'll say anything to sell their rags."

I wasn't sure I was buying it. Was Sue sleeping with that guy? She knew my view on fidelity, one strike and you're out. We talked about it. She felt the same way. I guess my silence alerted Sue's mom.