I'm Not Sure How to Act?

He had a moment of clarity. "Hell, if I don't even like myself, who else is going to want to hang around me?" He was on a self-flagellation roll now. It somehow made him feel better. Maybe not better, but justified? Or, was he hoping to inflict some damage on the architect of his ruined life? "I guess I'm still just not sure why everything happened." He snorted caustically. I'm at the point in my life if I see someone who is happy, I get angry. Some days I think my only goal is to make everyone as miserable as me..."

Shelly tried to interrupt, but Preston blurted out. "Why did you do it, Shelly?" He wasn't even sure where the question came from. Surely it was from a deep dark hidden place in his soul. But the fact that Shelly had obviously prospered while he wallowed in misery made him instantly angry. He wasn't sure if it was with her or himself.

For her part, Shelly was very surprised and naturally assumed he was talking about cheating on him. So, she started to explain.

Preston stopped her. "I don't mean the cheating, Shell. I mean, why did you tell me? Why did you confess? I probably never would have found out about it." He angrily slapped his hand on the table causing Shelly to flinch sharply. "I mean, you were away from home. It was some nameless and faceless person. You were never going to see him again." He was almost pleading, trying to understand why his life fell apart. "Why did you ruin my life?"

"I, I, I had to tell you, Preston. It was more for myself than you, I suppose. I couldn't have lived with myself if I hadn't!" She was horrified by the realization that Preston hadn't moved on. "Preston, it was twenty years ago..."

"Do you at least regret telling me, Shelly!" He couldn't believe how calm she was.

Preston couldn't have been more wrong in his assessment. She wasn't calm at all. Stunned would be a better description of her state of mind. My god, he never got over it. How was that even possible?

"Wow, Preston. That's a really difficult question for me to answer..."

"You don't need to, I mean, you don't owe me any explanation. At this point, I know it's ancient history, but I would like to understand if nothing else." He couldn't meet her intense gaze. "I have my reasons for wanting to know. I will tell you why later if you want."

Shelley, encouraged, paused to organize her thoughts. Although it was a question she had grappled with countless times, years had passed since she last gave it any thought at all. Shelly had moved on and was very happy with her current life. She saw no good reason to dredge up the past she had buried long ago. Still, his question raised her curiosity. And, he looked so, very desperate.

"Well, right after I told you and...well, everything fell apart, I definitely regretted confessing. I was very angry at myself for having done so. After a while, I transferred my anger to you. I was infuriated with you for not understanding. I guess for not giving me credit for telling you, or giving me a second chance. You never even let me explain, and that incensed me."

Preston tried to interrupt at this point, but Shelley waved him off and continued. "I know, I know. It was stupid of me, but I'm telling you the truth. It's how I felt at the time. However, after some counseling, I came to accept that it was all on me. I had no right to have expected you to react in a certain way." She wasn't sure she should continue and gave Preston a questioning look.

"Please, I need to know, Shell."

"Okay, Preston." She took a deep breath. "When all was said and done. No, I don't regret confessing to you. First, I think it helped me, in the long run, to move on with my life. Secondly, if I hadn't told you the truth. I wouldn't be where I'm at today. And my life today is as full as I ever could have dreamed possible. I couldn't be happier and more contented than I am right now." She resumed after making sure he was all right with her revelation.

"You and I share two adult children who are successful and happy. I have an adorable younger daughter with my husband..."

Preston interjected at this point. "Does he know about me, us? Did you tell him what happened?"

"Yes, Preston, I did." She snapped. For some reason, she was miffed that Preston would think she hadn't done so. "As soon as we became serious, I sat him down and told him everything. I also told him it was all my fault, that you had done nothing to deserve what I had done to you." She wasn't sure she should go on but did so anyway. After all, he said he wanted the truth.

"Where would we be, Preston, if I had kept my secret from you? Would I be as thankful for my life, or would my guilt slowly have consumed me and destroyed us anyway? Sometimes though, I did wonder if I shouldn't have waited awhile. Wait until we weren't in such a volatile and vulnerable state of mind?" Preston was crestfallen. Shelly saw his shoulders sag noticeably. "Do you ever think about that time, Preston?" It wasn't really a rhetorical question, because in her heart, she already knew the bitter answer. It was that obvious to her.

"Only about once a day now, Shell. Only about once a day." His shoulders heaved as he tried to maintain his composure. He slowly shook his head with deliberation.

This whole conversation was becoming maudlin to Shelley, so she quickly interrupted. "Why is rehashing all this," Shelley spread her arms wide as she leaned back in her chair, "so important to you?"

He looked at his former wife, the once-presumed love of his life, with moist eyes. After hesitating for a moment, he told her the whole story. Everything from the moment he realized he'd made a mistake in not talking to her to his brief affair with Hayden. He relayed his inability to move forward. He chronicled for her all his fears and failures, everything.

He disclosed to her how none of that compared to his self-loathing for having done the very same thing to another husband that she had done to him. He explained how his tortured thoughts took him to the brink of self-harm. "What type of person am I that I could do to another that which had destroyed my own life, Shelly? I've never been able to find a satisfactory answer to that question. One that would let me sleep peacefully anyway."

He explained how guilty he grew to feel for never even having a conversation with her or maybe trying to salvage their marriage. Twenty years of pent-up anger, self-hate, confusion, and frustration, mostly at himself spilled forth. It took him over an hour to unburden himself. All the while, Shelly just listened patiently. She remembered something her therapist had told her many years ago. She told her that often the cheated-on party had more difficulty moving forward than did the cheater. She never truly believed it until now.

"Honestly, Shell, what bothers me the most, still to this day...isn't so much the cheating part. It's more on me. I mean, I honestly don't know if I had let you explain that our marriage would have survived anyway. But, I wonder if I had at least talked with you. Tried to understand your point of view, and get you to understand my hurt, fears, etc. I wonder if I wouldn't have wasted all these years. A good part of my life." His emotions started to get the better of him, so he went silent for a moment. "Maybe I would have been able to move on sooner. Or, possibly, I wouldn't have let myself destroy someone else's marriage. What a waste."

She was shocked and saddened but to her relief, his confession didn't trigger any traumatic reaction to a past she had left far behind. It did make her feel sorry for him and wonder if there was anything she could do to show him the way forward.

Shelly had an idea. It was risky, but sometimes opportunity knocks. The only question in her mind was if it was really a good idea to let a truly damaged Preston back into her world? But this was an occasion where she might be able to offer him a chance at redemption.

Maybe it was the least she could do for her part in Preston becoming what he was. "Listen, Preston. I want you to come over to my house next weekend. I want you to meet my family. Your children and grandchildren will be there too. They are all coming to town for my mom's seventy-fifth birthday. It's time you reconnected with your family. Your children need you and miss you."

"They don't need me, Shell. I doubt they would even want to see me at this point..."

She interrupted sharply. "Bullshit, Preston!" She was angry and challenged his ignorant comment. "They do need and miss you..."

It was Preston's turn to interject. He couldn't meet Shelly's eyes. "They might miss who I used to be, Shelly, but not who I am now." It was a pathetic statement but perhaps an apt epitaph to be carved on his headstone. Even Preston recognized it as such. Jesus, what's wrong with me? "Maybe...I'll think about it, Shell."

"You better show up, Preston. Don't make me hunt you down!" She gave him a fake sneer followed by a smile. "Unless you're planning on running again?"

Preston sighed. "I promise, Shell. I will try to be there. It's about time, I suppose."

Doubtful of his sincerity, she nevertheless relayed her address to him and turned to walk away but had a quick thought and turned to face Preston again. "Hey, do you know what ever happened to her, to them?"

"Honestly, Shelly, I don't know. When I came back to town, I ran into a couple of old coworkers. When I asked about her, they told me that, after a tough time, the wife left the state. They said they thought she had moved to California to start a new life. One of her close friends from the office told me she had heard from Hayden's mother a couple of years ago. She was moving there to be closer to her daughter and grandchildren. Apparently, she remarried and has three kids. By her mom's account, Hayden was very happy and living a great life.

"As far as the husband? I think his name was Ketchum? I didn't really ask. I guess I was afraid of what the answer might be. I hope it all worked out for him. At least better than it did for me." Preston was becoming emotional, his mind cluttered with old, dark memories. "I'll never forgive myself...for what I did to them."

Shelley didn't really know what to say. "I don't know, Preston. I guess we learn as we go." She shook her head sadly and stood to leave. "Preston, we will see you on Saturday." She became contemplative, just staring at him for a bit. She was trying to find something more to help him. "You might not want to hear this, Preston, but I had to forgive myself for my mistake, for what I did to us. A long time ago, somebody told me that all was not yet lost for me...That today could be the first day of the rest of my life. All I had to do was let go of the past."

Shelly wasn't sure if she should say the rest of it. But thought about it, then decided, however hurtful, it would be for the best. "Preston, look at me." He did so, with an expression that Shelly couldn't decipher. "I'm really not trying to hurt you with this, but I made a conscious decision several months after our divorce that I wasn't going to let my mistake ruin my life. I had to move on. I'm sorry. Maybe that makes me a terrible person in your eyes, but...but I had to."

She turned and walked away, leaving him alone with his thoughts. She wasn't certain she would ever see him again. For Preston's sake, she hoped she would, but either way, she wouldn't let it change her world. Shelly learned long ago that you couldn't help someone more than they wanted to help themselves.

Preston sat quietly, motionless as he watched Shelly walk out the door. When she disappeared from his sight, he glanced around the coffee shop. For some reason, he was surprised that nothing had changed. People came and went. The conversations at the various tables continued uninterrupted. The baristas taking and calling out orders never skipped a beat. The world didn't revolve around him nor give a shit about his issues.

For him though, in a couple of hours, his sterile world was upended. Yet no one else seemingly took the slightest note of it. Everything went on as before while the seismic shift in his life occurred. He had wasted twenty years of his life trapped in what he thought to be a seminal moment in time. It hardly seemed fair.

Who was right and who was wrong? Did it even matter? Because he recognized that for twenty years, he had allowed Shelly's actions to stall his life. His relationships, outlooks, and emotions had stagnated at that very moment. Yet, the woman whose actions engineered his destruction had moved on to the point where their previous life together was barely a distant and faded memory for her. Was she the antichrist in his world? Or was his self-pity and failed life, all on him?

Could he, do it? He didn't know. Preston wasn't sure of anything beyond; he was definitely going to show up at Shelly's house on Saturday. And the rest, he would just have to play by ear.