Infidelity Anonymous 06: Paul

This is the sixth installment in a series of stories about a fictitious organization designed along the lines of Alcoholics Anonymous where people who have cheated on their spouses, and the spouses they cheated on, can both find support and forgiveness as they work to rebuild their lives. There may well be an organization like this, and there are many organizations that attempt to meet the needs of those whose happiness has been destroyed by infidelity, but this creation is meant to be pure fiction.

This one might be a bit more intense than the others. I reached deep into my soul for this and it may be just too raw. You've been warned. I hope you like it.

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It was time to get the meeting started. Henry surveyed the room with its usual assortment of regulars and a scattering of newbies sitting or standing my themselves. Making the new people feel welcome was always the hardest part of being the group's moderator. If they felt they needed to be there, then he knew they needed to feel welcome. The sense that you are alone in your suffering is death to healing. Henry knew all too well that the pain and loss of betrayal haunts a person until they know they are not alone. Only then can the healing begin. He was suffering himself and this was the first night in several months that he had chaired the meeting.

Henry is a big man and much loved by the group. So when he stepped to the front of the room, everyone noticed and began to settle down. He didn't need to say much, but he did need to get the meeting started. Feeling momentarily drained and uncharacteristically apprehensive, he tapped the table behind him with the edge of his coffee mug. The rap rap rap of the coffee mug on the wooden table was enough to quiet the room. In a voice quieter and less sure than usual he said, "Welcome, everyone! My name is Henry and it's good to see so many familiar faces tonight. If you are new to our meeting, then we give you an especially warm welcome. You are among friends here even if you don't know anyone, yet. You will.

"Many of you know me. We all come here because this is a healing place and I'm no different from everyone else. Lately, I've needed an extra dose of healing and I want to thank everyone who has helped me these past few weeks. As we say, I am still a work in progress, but I'm getting better and I have you to thank for that."

The regulars began to applaud in approval and the newbies joined in, although they were unfamiliar with the customs of the meeting.

"We always start our meetings by saying the Serenity Prayer. Please, join me now as we say..."

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

"You know, there are days when just saying those words makes me feel better." Henry smiled and looked around the room. "Gladys, did I hear that you brought the coffee cake tonight?"

An older woman in the middle of the room smiled and nodded.

As Henry raised a big slice of cake to his mouth, he said, "That was very sweet of you, but next time you really should bring some for everyone else, too." That got him the laugh that he was always working for at the start of every meeting.

Smiling now, Henry looked about the room and said, "Who would like to get us started tonight?"

A man who looked to be in his mid-thirties raised his hand.

"Paul, please, come on up." Turning to the room as Paul walked to the front, Henry said, "It's no surprise to many of you, but Paul has been a great help to me in recent weeks."

Paul smiled at his friend and turned to face the group. "Hi! My name's Paul and I'm a victim of infidelity."

The group responded in their usual manner, "Hi, Paul!"

"So, many of you know my story. I caught my wife of ten years with a mutual friend of ours." He paused for a moment. "Well, he was a friend at the time, or I thought he was. Anyway, I've been thinking about it and going back to the days and weeks after, and I think I've finally understood something that I didn't understand at the time. You see, I've always been taught to believe in the healing power of forgiveness and redemption. A lot of what we do here is based on those principles. When I caught my wife... you know... in the throes of passion as they say, it broke me. She tried to talk with me after, but I've never been willing to sit down and hear her out. The truth is, I just don't care what she has to say. At least, that's what I tell myself. Maybe I care too much and I'm just afraid to hear what she has to say.

"What has surprised me in recent weeks as I think about this is that I'm not usually that person. I'm the guy who wants to make peace, who wants to understand, who wants to fix what's broken. When it came to the biggest betrayal of my life, I wouldn't even try.

"The thing is, I never questioned my decision. I never asked why I was so adamant that I would never speak to her. I just knew that I never wanted to see her face or hear her voice again. Every time I picture her, I see her with him. I try to remember all the good years, the falling in love, the day we stood together and took our vows, her smile, her laugh... None of it comes back to me now without me seeing him on top of her, my wife urging him on, and him grunting like some animal.

"I keep asking myself, 'Why do I do this to myself?' and I finally came to an answer. You see, to truly move on, you need to forgive, but a whipped dog can't forgive. If you don't have a healthy sense of your own worth you can't forgive someone for what they take from you. Forgiveness is a gift and if you have nothing left, then you have nothing to give, and then you can't give someone what they and you both need.

"When I said my vows, I became someone I'd never been before. I became her husband. From that day on, I wore my wedding ring and it defined me to everyone I met and knew.

"Think about it. How do you have an affair? You don't walk up to someone one day, lay a kiss on them, and start undressing each other." Paul paused. "Well, they do in cheap porn movies, but not in real life."

That got a quiet chuckle from the group.

"Seduction is slow work. You get to know them. You talk, you joke, you exchange life stories, and in time you flirt. You make suggestive remarks and gestures. You touch. You build it up to the moment that you both decide to start the physical affair, but the emotional affair is already in full bloom. I could never do that. If I did, I knew that person would see my ring and know what sort of low-life cheating bastard I really was. I couldn't shame myself that way.

"In every way, with every relationship, I was her husband. My self-worth, my very sense of self, was tied up in that identity. I was the man that made her happy. And then one day I wasn't."

Paul paused again to gather his thoughts.

"When I caught her cheating, it told me that I was no longer the man she loved. I wasn't the man I thought I was. My whole identity collapsed. It was like someone reached into me and pulled out everything that I was and left me just an empty shell.

"A man without a sense of worth, a man who is not valued by others, does not have the strength or the resources to forgive. How could I give her forgiveness when I don't feel worthy of being loved? Every time I thought about it, I felt like I would just be elevating her above me and leaving myself further down than I already was. So in all this time, throughout the year since I left her and filed for divorce, I've never spoken with her, never asked her 'Why?', and never forgiven her.

"The judge tried to order counseling, so I just dropped it, quit my job and left town. Eventually, she agreed to the divorce and signed the papers. I don't know what she's doing now or even where she is. I don't really want to know.

"The thing is, I know I will never really move on until I can forgive her for her betrayal, and I can never forgive her until I feel worthy of being loved. That was the one-two punch of her infidelity. I can't move on until I forgive her, and I can't forgive her until I feel worthy of moving on. My whole life fell to ruin before me, and part of it was my own fault because I left town and all my friends there. I paid a huge price for that. This place, this group, is slowly giving me back that sense of worth.

"You people have been a godsend to me, and I just wanted to thank you all. Without you, I'd still be wallowing in self-pity. I'm a long way from healed, but for the first time in a year I see something better on the horizon. I feel a little of my old self returning and I owe a lot of that to all of you."

Paul hesitated for a moment, and then with a nod of his head he said simply, "Thank you."

With that, Paul started back to his seat.

"No you don't."

Paul turned around to look at his friend Henry.

"You don't get away that easily." And with that, Henry threw his arms around his friend and practically crushed him in a bear hug that left Paul laughing and coughing just a little.

The group applauded their friends and many shook Paul's hand as he returned to his seat. Many had been in Paul's position before or were there now. They understood all too well.

Henry stepped forward in his role as moderator that night. "Okay. I don't know how you did it, Paul, but you actually made me feel better."

That brought another round of applause from the group.

"Who would like to speak next?"

A hand went up on the right side of the room.

"Charley? Come on up. Everyone, Charley's been a member of our group since the beginning and I find that every time he shares, he has something interesting to say."

"Wow. No pressure there." Charley said, smiling.

The group chuckled at that. It was turning into a good night.

"Hi! My name's Charley and I'm a victim of infidelity."

"Hi, Charley!"

"So, it's been about three years since my wife left me. We were married for thirteen years and we've been divorced now for about two and a half. I started coming here because I was lost, feeling alone, not understanding, and deep in denial. We don't talk about denial a lot here. Folks find their way here to escape the pain. It's in our name, right: 'Infidelity Anonymous'? I mean, either we're a self-help group, or a really nasty dating site."

That got a round of laughter and applause. It's been a standing joke for some time that the name might confuse a few.

Charley was smiling. "Now, if you are new here and you came because you think we are a dating site for cheaters, just sit quietly and leave at the end. There's no point in calling attention to yourself now."

Some of the newbies looked at the floor and laughed. The humor of the group can have its own healing power.

"My wife was a recovering alcoholic who relapsed, and I went through that with her. I went through a lot with her. I knew she was drinking behind locked doors at home while pretending to quilt or read. The locked doors were a dead giveaway. Well, that and the empties I started finding in the towel closet and elsewhere. I tried to talk with her, but she just kept pushing me away. It's hard to get between an alcoholic and their drink. Her drinking got worse. Our marriage got worse. There was a year when I knew she was drinking and driving. I had to decide whether to drop a dime on her and call the police, or just hope she didn't kill someone. Try wrestling with that sometime. I eventually convinced her to go into rehab and that seemed to help. Her mood brightened, but I learned later that her drinking became more secretive. Then her mood turned dark again, and it wasn't long before I got hit with 'I want a divorce!' She was struggling with her attempt to get sober and she always did blame me for everything that wasn't right in her life. In hindsight, I think she was a coward who couldn't face the reality of relationships. She grew up in a dysfunctional house where she would retreat into her room to escape the chaos and I think she never really learned to trust or rely on another person. As an adult, she carried a lot of baggage. Alcoholism doesn't usually arrive unaccompanied.

"She left me with the usual litany of complaints. No offense to anyone, but I think some wives just need to inflict pain on their way out so their husband will stop begging, stop trying to fix things, and just let them go. I took most of it, including her criticism of our sex life, but there was one comment that I rebelled at. She said she didn't respect me. What the hell?! I guess that one worked, and I finally told her off. After everything I'd been through with her, that one flipped a switch in me. I let go and watched her leave.

"She left, took half our stuff, and had me served. I saw a lawyer and he said the offer was fair. He recommended that I sign it, so I did. What else could I do? I wandered through life for about a year and then I found this group. We were just five or six middle-aged guys and one woman trying to give each other a little mutual support. Now here we are with twenty to thirty people each week. I've never known if that's a measure of success or failure?"

The group got another chuckle at that.

"There are a lot of people out there who are trying to figure out what went wrong with their lives?

"About a month after she left, while there were still a few things at the house I'd promised I'd hold for her, she mentioned that she was going on a cruise. She got all squirrelly on me when she told me as if she was apologizing for something, but I couldn't figure out what. Then I stupidly asked if she was going alone and she said, 'No.' She was going with a guy she knew.

"It was just a month after she'd left, and I was still living in denial. I thought, 'That was fast.' My friends tried to suggest that she'd been having an affair all along, but I refused to accept it, or at least that's what I told myself. I wasn't very convincing. The problem is she volunteered that his name was Sean. That planted the seed, and the seed grew in my subconscious.

"I was living on a slippery slope and I needed to get control of myself. I already knew his first name and if I knew his last name, I could look him up. Then I could learn his address. I could see what he looked like. Then I would know him when I passed him on the street, and he would intrude into what was left of my life. I could wait behind a tree one night and hit him with a baseball bat. Yeah, I had those fantasies. Who among us hasn't? I knew I had to stop that chain of events someplace, so I decided to stop it at the beginning. I made a conscious decision not to learn any more than I already knew. Shame life doesn't work that way.

"Anyway, all that is just the long way of getting to what I wanted to say tonight. You see, I'm not stupid. Some people actually think I'm moderately intelligent. I was lying to myself that I could move forward without dealing with the true nature of her betrayal.

"I was working to get over the divorce when my mind betrayed me, and the next piece fell into place. I knew his first name and that was all it took. He was Irish and then it dawned on me that maybe eight months before she went into rehab my wife began asking me about the Irish music I listen to. She said she wanted information so she could talk with a friend at one of her self-help groups. She was always vague that way. It was always 'a friend' or 'they', never 'he'.

"Once I remembered that, I could no longer deny the obvious. She had actually used me to flirt with him. Now I had a timeline, and I knew then the affair had been going on for a year before she left. That was a kick in the gut, but my subconscious wasn't finished with me.

"I should probably mention that she was attending two self-help groups at the time, rather like ours. One was for people with depression and the other was AA.

"It wasn't long before her stint in rehab and we were having a weekend lunch at a local place called The Crab Shack. Mentally and emotionally, she was maybe fifty percent there. As we were getting ready to leave, she took a quick trip to the bathroom. The bathroom was on the other side of the building in the bar area. She came back to the table and said, 'I saw someone in the bar that I know from one of my groups and I want to talk with them for a few minutes.' I said that was great and I'd like to meet them.

"She says, 'Oh, no, I can't do that! It's a confidential group. It's supposed to be anonymous. I can't reveal anyone's identity.'"

That comment drew a distinct groan from the group. They knew full well what anonymous meant and it didn't mean you can't introduce your spouse to a friend.

"I didn't like it. I was worried about her drinking and I still thought that alcohol was my only adversary. I also knew that I couldn't keep her from drinking if she put her mind to it. She said, 'You go along, and I'll be home in a half hour.' We lived just five or six blocks from the place, and I was still trusting my wife, so after an unsuccessful protest I reluctantly walked home. I worried the whole time she was there, but I worried about her drinking. I worried about her safety. I never suspected. She didn't get home until six hours later, but she was sober. I thought that was a good thing, but it probably wasn't.

"It's taken all this time for the latest piece to fall into place. I wasn't even thinking about it when all of a sudden it hit me. I finally realized that the guy she went with on that cruise, the guy from her group who liked Celtic music, was the same guy who was waiting for her in the bar. She had used me to flirt with him; but worse than that, she ditched me at the restaurant to be with him. Six hours. Six fuckin' hours. She ditched me to go to his place with him."

Charley was standing there just staring into space. The rage was visible on his face and the room was silent. Nobody dared move.

"All this time and only now I put the pieces together. She was having an affair for a year before she left me, and I was a clueless bastard the whole time. I was so worried about her drinking that I never believed she was capable of such deceit. Now I realize even that wasn't the full depth of her betrayal.

"I should be over it by now, but I'm not. It's like the great earthquake at the center of my life and I keep experiencing aftershocks. As soon as I think the whole divorce is behind me, I get hit again by another tremor. I knew she had cheated on me while we were married because we were still married when she went on that cruise, but I was trying to tell myself it hadn't been sexual until after she moved out. Now I realize that it was going on for almost a year before she left, and she had so little respect for me that she used me to flirt with him and then she ditched me at that restaurant to be with him."

Charley paused a moment to gather his thoughts. "It was the ultimate abuse of my trust. She lied to my face and she did it as easily as drawing breath.

"All kinds of childhood experiences came flooding back to me when I finally got that. I buried all those adolescent traumas from when I felt I wasn't good enough, or wasn't popular enough, and then the one person I trusted more than anyone else dug them up again.

"When she divorced me, I had all this hurt and pain. The woman I loved had left me. She loved me once, then she didn't, and then she wanted to get away. It took me a long time to get past that and to be honest I'm still working on it. Now, with this new revelation, I'm facing the lies and betrayal, and it all comes back with a massive amount of anger. The worst thing is she lives just across town and periodically our paths cross. I'm back to that whole slippery slope problem. Paul said it best: when someone takes your self-respect, how do you forgive? I feel like I'm back where I started, but now I'm carrying anger instead of pain."