Infidelity Anonymous 07: JD's Story

"We've been going on double dates and single dates since then and the two young ones are seeing each other at school. I have no idea where this is headed, but right now we're having a very good time.

"Maggie's story is a lot like mine, so not much explanation was needed once we got that over with. Don't get me wrong. I'm not telling myself she is the one, although I'm not saying she's not. I just know that there is life at the end of the tunnel. I finally put a lot of the pain and doubt behind me this past month. Life is good, whatever the future may hold."

David took a deep breath. "Now, I do have one problem. This Saturday my son is cooking dinner for his girlfriend. He says he's grilling steak and potatoes with asparagus on the back deck and he's researching sauces on the internet. I've been told that this is not a double date. I really didn't know what to do about that until Maggie said that she's bringing our dinner from home and we're eating on the front porch. I'm fixing dessert for the four of us, but we're eating it separately. Life is pleasantly complicated."

By all accounts, David was a happy camper. "Thanks for listening."

With that, David returned to his seat to a loud and long round of applause and words of congratulations. The group needed David's story tonight and it was well received.

James stepped to the front of the room with a smile on his face. "Thank you, David. We needed that tonight. Thanks for sharing. I want to hear how that sauce turns out. I may want the recipe. Now who else wants to share?"

A hand went up on the edge of the room. James didn't recognize the woman, but this was a night of firsts and having a woman speak would provide some balance to the evening, so he invited her to the front of the room.

"Hello. My name is Sherry. I don't know if I can rightly say I'm a victim, unless I was a victim of my own arrogance! I know that now. I thought the rules didn't apply to me and learned the hard way that they do."

Sherry paused a moment to gather her thoughts.

"You see, my husband and I had been married eleven years. We have three kids and the oldest was eight. Life was good, but it was predictable. Our kids are great and we both had good jobs. We had our health as people like to say. We were just bored.

"We were at a party one night with friends from our neighborhood celebrating the birthday of one of the wives. All the husbands lined up to kiss the birthday girl and after that somebody joking raised the idea of continuing with all the wives. That rapidly became a discussion of swapping partners. Everyone laughed, but I could tell that some of our friends didn't think it was a joke. Maybe it wasn't. All I know is that after a few more drinks and a little more conversation, some of our friends started talking like they thought it was a good idea. I looked at my husband and I could see it in his face. He was thinking it, too. We talked about it on the walk home and let me tell you, that's a conversation that requires more than a few minutes. We discussed it for the next few nights after the kids were in bed. At first, I tried to shut it down, but I have to admit I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's amazing what you can talk yourself into sometimes. Eventually, we convinced ourselves of all the foolish things that people tell themselves: our marriage was strong, we loved only each other, it was just sex, all that crap. It got so I caught myself daydreaming about it at work.

"The parties were the last Friday of every month. Fourteen couples decided to play the game. Husbands would drop their keys in a bowl by the door and at the end of the party the wives would each draw a set of keys. Whosever keys they drew, that's who they took home that night. We started arranging sleep overs for our kids on those nights so they wouldn't know. There was a rule that the temporary husband had to leave by six-thirty Saturday morning and the permanent husband couldn't come home until seven. That way, we avoided that whole passing in the hall, trying to make small talk situation or worse. The first couple of times I woke up in the morning and was so afraid my husband would walk in on us that I panicked and made the guy leave early. I think it was the morning after the fourth party that I had become so comfortable with the situation that my husband practically walked in on us. It turns out the husbands were spending that half hour gathering on the street corners comparing notes.

"It went on for a year and a half. I got so comfortable with the whole thing that I could have done it right in front of my husband. Then one Saturday night after the kids were in bed my husband sat me down, told me he'd fallen in love with one of the other wives, and he wanted a divorce. I went from loving wife, to bored wife, to cheating wife, to divorced wife, and every step of the way I knew I was breaking the rules. I just convinced myself that we were too sophisticated to get burned.

"Divorce in our neighborhood was a regular epidemic that year. Six of the couples attending those Friday night parties got divorced within as many months and I'm still expecting a few more. Some spouses married different partners and some just left."

Sherry seemed lost in thought for a long time.

"Some of us divorced quietly, no fuss, no muss. I blamed myself as much as I blamed him. I knew the rules, and I was as much a cheat as he was. It had gotten so I was looking forward to those Friday nights as much as him. Others fought it tooth and nail. All that came of fighting it was that our neighbors found out what we'd been doing. Some of my friends were sympathetic and others told me I was a fool. I couldn't disagree."

She thought a moment longer.

"Tell me something because I've thought about it and I still don't know the answer. Do you send your spouse off to have sex with someone else because you don't love them anymore, or do you decide you don't love them anymore because they've gone off to have sex with someone else? You'd think I would know the answer to that by now, but I still don't. I just know I gave up my husband for something that wasn't worth the price. I'm a part-time single mother who shuffles her kids between homes, fixes dinner for one when my kids are with their father, and none of those other men were worth it."

Sherry seemed to be staring off into space. She had what military types call the thousand-yard stare. She finally shook it off, wiped her eyes, and said, "Thanks for listening."

The group was uncharacteristically quiet. A few tried to start a round of applause, but it died in the effort.

Sherry walked back to her seat with gestures and quiet words of support offered from those she passed. Standing before the group and telling stories of deceit and betrayal can be humiliating, but this one was unique. This was a truly self-inflicted wound, and nobody knew exactly what to say.

James stepped to the front of the room. He normally tried to find something encouraging to say, but he was at a loss this time. "Sherry, I'm not sure what to say, but I can tell you that time heals all wounds. You have friends here who understand your pain and we're all here to help you. I suppose this is one of those times when you need first to forgive yourself before you can begin to heal. Since we are all human and we all make mistakes, maybe that's the place to start." James was not the least bit satisfied with what he'd said, but for the life of him he didn't know what else to say. How do you tell someone, "Are you nuts?" and still encourage them to come back?

"Would anyone else like to share tonight?" Secretly, he prayed that the meeting would not end with Sherry's story.

A man from the middle of the room raised his hand.

"Come on up! We're all friends here."

The man turned to face the group. "Hi! My name is Jeff and I'm a victim of infidelity."

"Hi, Jeff!"

"I know I'm a new face here tonight, but I recently moved from the Boston area. I used to attend IA meetings there some years back and I can tell you it helped me a lot."

Turning briefly toward Sherry, he said, "Sherry, I want to encourage you to keep coming. When I started coming to IA, I was a basket case. It takes time, but the program heals us." He turned back toward the rest of the group. "I'd been married for five years and one night after dinner my wife sat me down and said, 'Honey, we need to talk.' Of all the words that no husband wants to hear, those are the worst. Still, this wasn't some story I'd read. This was real life. She proceeded to tell me that she'd met someone else, and they'd fallen in love. It sounds so proper, doesn't it? She told me everything except the truth -- that she'd been having an affair and cheating on me." Jeff paused for a moment. "She wanted a divorce. She said she'd given it a lot of thought, and this was best for us both. Well, if ever there was a room where people understood what that was like, this is it! Eventually, I went through every emotion in the book, but that night after she dropped the bomb on me, I just shut down. She already had her bags packed and in the car, so she mumbled some meaningless, trite remarks and left me sitting there alone.

"The truth is if you asked me today how someone can be married to one person and fall in love with another, I couldn't tell you. I still remember standing there before family and friends, saying my vows and promising 'in sickness and in health until death...' It was like a switch was thrown in me that day. There was no more looking, no more wondering; there was just the commitment and I cherished it. I protected that commitment. I was no longer just Jeff. Being her husband defined me. That ring on my finger said who I was for everyone to know. I'd go out after work with some of the folks from the office, talk and have a beer, and then I'd stand up and say, 'Well, I promised my wife I'd be home early tonight. Don't drink too much.' Then I'd walk out to my car and drive home, kiss my wife, and tell her all about it. I guess for her it was something different.

"Everything worked out as these things do. We had no kids, so we just divided everything down the middle and I started over. Two and a half years later I met someone." Jeff smiled for a moment. "Let's just say I was gun shy for a time. I was drawn to her, but I kept resisting the attraction. She was patient and eventually I wised up. I figured she was a keeper. I popped the question, she said yes, and we got married. About a year ago we moved here."

Jeff got the slightest smile on his face like he knew the joke, but he didn't want to break it out too quickly.

"Two nights ago after dinner, she sat me down and said, 'Honey, we need to talk.'" He closed his eyes and shook his head. "It all came back to me in a flash. My heart was racing, and I was trying to speak, but my brain was a jumble. She said, 'Now, don't say anything and just let me finish. I've been giving this a lot of thought and I think it's for the best.'" He paused. "'The house needs a new roof.'" The group laughed out loud at this point. "She goes, 'I know it's going to be expensive, but I found some drip spots in the attic and it's just a matter of time before it bleeds through onto the bedroom ceiling. We can postpone the new car for another year.'" By now, Jeff had a big smile for the group. "It's going to be the best money I ever spent!"

Turning back to Sherry, he said, "Keep coming, keep listening, and keep sharing. Give it time. This place heals."

With that, he returned to his seat to an enthusiastic round of applause.

James stepped forward and said, "I think on that note, we can end the meeting. Please put your chairs back on the rack, pour a last cup of coffee, and the last one out turns off the lights. Thanks for coming and I hope I see you all again soon."

>>> >>> >>>

I couldn't help myself. That joke at the end has been simmering in my mind for a while now. Three of the stories here are quite real. I knew the men in two of them and I watched the wife swapping club blow up one winter. It was a funny place where I grew up. Nobody had any secrets, and the only real secret was that some people thought they did.