Infidelity Anonymous 08: Bob's Night

Infidelity Anonymous 08: Bob's Night

This is the eighth installment in a series of stories about a fictitious organization designed along the lines of Alcoholics Anonymous where people who have cheated on their spouses, and the spouses they cheated on, can both find support and forgiveness as they work to rebuild their lives. There may well be an organization like this, and there are many organizations that attempt to meet the needs of those whose happiness has been destroyed by infidelity, but this creation is meant to be pure fiction.

This one is a little different. It's about what happens when the meeting is over, and it runs into the rest of the world. The personal stories told here are not particularly new or original. That's not what this story is about.

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Jason let out a deep breath, almost a gasp, and said, "That was brutal!" He was shaking his head as if to shake the memories of the last ninety minutes from his mind.

Elliott was walking alongside his friend, and he looked tired as if he'd been there too many times before. "Nights when the newbies decide to share always are."

"Their pain is so raw. What to do you say to a guy who caught his wife coming out of a no-tell motel just two weeks ago?"

"Not a damn thing. You sit, you listen, and when he asks you tell him it will get better."

Jason and Elliott had just walked out of their weekly meeting of IA.

Jason looked at his friend. "You remember our first meetings? I thought my life was over and then you got me a cup of really bad coffee and told me it would get better."

"I remember. I was just six months into the program myself. What the hell did I know?"

"I almost walked out right then and there."

Elliott chuckled. "I know. I remember the look. I thought you were going to throw that cup of really bad coffee back in my face."

"That reminds me, why the hell can't we get some decent coffee in this place?"

The two friends left the building, walked around the corner and through familiar doors to claim their favorite table.

Looking around, it was a light crowd. Jason said, "Is this a restaurant with a bar, or a bar with a restaurant? I can never tell."

"It's a joint with beer and Buffalo wings. What more do you need?"

"Not a damn thing."

They were quiet until their beers arrived, each deep in thought about the damaged lives they'd witnessed that night and the long road back for each of them. Then with a long draw on their cold beers, and a deep breath to settle their minds, they began their customary postmortem. They didn't get far before they saw their friend, Bob Davis, walk in and look about.

"Bob, you looking for somebody? Come on over and join us!"

Bob walked over with his customary smile. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

"You're not interrupting anything. You're saving us from reliving tonight's meeting."

"Oh, that's right. I forgot. You guys still going to that self-help meeting? Is it helping?"

"Are you kidding? It saved my life. I don't mean that literally, but without it I think I'd be angry and bitter and miserable all the time." Jason had that look that said he meant it.

"I'd be in jail." Elliott was looking at his two friends. "One more pissed-off encounter with my ex and her fuck buddy and I was going to jail. She was bringing him to our settlement conferences. I mean, he sat outside, but he was there when we walked in, and he was there when we walked out. That smirking asshat was working on my last good nerve, and I was one smirk away from popping him. I started going to the meeting, I met Jason here and started listening to everyone's story, and after a while I started to think that maybe divorce wasn't the worst thing in the world."

"I'll agree with that!" Jason said.

"In fact, I almost feel sorry for that asshat."

"I wouldn't go that far!" Jason mumbled.

"No, seriously. She's going to cheat on him soon enough. I mean, we're not supposed to say it at the meeting, but you've heard the expression 'Once a cheater, always a cheater.' Well, that leopard isn't going to change her spots."

Jason was grinning and leaning toward Bob he said, "As you can see, Elliott here remains a work in progress."

Bob chuckled at that remark. Bob couldn't say that he was close friends with Jason and Elliott. They were more like friends-of-a-friend, and he would run into them at occasional cookouts and parties. He always enjoyed their discussions and Bob thought that both Jason and Elliott were friendly, decent fellows. He had heard elements of their stories before. If the truth were told, Bob was grateful to be happily married and these discussions made him appreciate his wife all the more. He could afford to indulge his friends and give them a sympathetic ear when he knew he'd be going home to a faithful wife.

Their quiet conversation didn't last long as three more members of the IA community walked in. Two were newbies who hadn't spoken at the meeting. They were still unknown to the group, but recognized, and the regulars did whatever they could to make them feel welcome.

"Mind if we join you?"

"Not at all, but we're going to need to order more wings."

"That works for me." Turning toward the bar, Frank shattered the pleasant atmosphere of the bar and called out, "Barkeep, three beers over here and bring more for my friends!" Frank was an affable asshole. He could be a strain on nerves already raw, and everyone thought so, but more than a few of the regulars remembered when they had gone through their asshole phase, so they humored him in the hope it was just a phase. It was beginning to look like it wasn't.

Bob offered to leave them to their discussions and Jason gave him a pleading look with a roll of his eyes as if to say, "Please don't leave us with Frank!" With a conspiratorial smile and a nod to Jason, Bob stayed and decided he would just listen. He failed.

The table was uncomfortably quiet for a bit as each seemed momentarily unsure what topic to discuss as they were far from the quiet, supportive environment of the meeting. As Jason was about to offer a neutral topic of conversation, one of the new guys, Ben, spoke up. "That was an interesting experience tonight. I don't think I've ever had anything like it." Ben was the youngest man at the table, almost boyish in his appearance, and it was difficult for Bob to imagine he was married let alone a member of IA.

That got a private smile from Jason who looked at Bob and said, "It's the anonymous part of Infidelity Anonymous. We aren't supposed to out each other." He was chuckling at the irony of it.

"Fuck that! I'm not embarrassed. My wife screwed around on me and that's not my fault other than I married a liar and a cheat. I'm Axel by the way." With that, he held his hand out to Bob. Following Axel's lead, Ben did the same.

Jason and Elliott started to think that these new guys might just be okay once they got a little time in the program. They had a good feeling about them. Turning toward Axel and Ben, Elliott said, "We didn't get a chance to meet earlier. I'm Elliott and this is Jason. I assume you've met Frank already?" He could tell from the look on their faces that they had, and they weren't impressed.

"Barkeep, where are those beers?" Nope, Frank was not making a good first impression.

"I'll go see what I can do." Bob said quietly, and with that he rose and walked to the bar to place their order.

Harry the bartender looked at Bob as he approached. Bob held up his hands and said, "Don't shoot the messenger. I'm just here to place an order and keep things quiet."

Harry nodded and said, "No worries. I'm a better aim than that."

"I don't know what they want, so how about we make it six NOLA IIPAs and two more baskets of wings? Throw in a plate of nachos just in case."

Harry nodded and said, "I'll have Marie bring 'em over."

Bob returned to the table and found a full-blown debrief of the meeting in progress.

"All I'm saying is that maybe a little vigilante justice would help us all move forward."

"Frank, that's not how we do things. IA is about working through the pain and the doubts to come out better, stronger people."

"I'm just saying a little payback can be beneficial."

"Beneficial to who? To the lawyers you hire to keep you out of jail? To the kids that have to deal with you smacking around their mother? Does it benefit you to have to look over your shoulder wondering if the cops are coming?"

"I'm just saying."

The table grew quiet for a moment after that.

"Well, I know I'm one of the new guys, but I think I'm going to get a lot out of the program. I listened tonight and it helped me. For the first time in weeks I felt like I'm not alone. I listened to people who have gone through the same thing, and they have lives on the other side, so I'm thinking I might learn something." Ben was deep in thought as he spoke, and it was clear there was a lot he wasn't saying, but then this wasn't a meeting, and he was more than free to keep his thoughts to himself.

"Maybe" Axel said. "I'm still pissed off and I have to tell you that Frank's idea sounds pretty good to me right now!"

Jason said, "We've all been there, Axel. Trust me, this is the time when you don't need to make your life more complicated."

"It's just that what Jimmy said at the meeting is still ringing in my ears. He said, 'I'm just glad that I caught her without seeing her. If I'd actually seen her doing the deed, I don't think I could ever get that memory out of my head.' Well, I saw her. I caught her fucking our neighbor in the same bed I sleep in, or the same bed I used to sleep in. I haven't slept there since." He stared at the table with rage written across his face. "I just want to bust him up!"

The neighboring table was staring. It wasn't the kind of place where you could drop the F-bomb with impunity.

Jason tried to bring both the emotions and the volume down a level. "You know, Axel, IA doesn't say we can't stand up for ourselves or that we need to roll over for anyone. It just tells us to stay out of jail and focus on moving forward. You'll have your chance to balance the scales if you still want it. Does his wife know? Does his employer know? Do the other neighbors know? I'm not recommending revenge, but karma is a bitch, and these things don't stay secret forever."

It seemed Jason was getting through to Axel. He was nodding in agreement and deep in thought.

Bob felt that any discussion was a potential landmine for him and resigned himself to quiet contemplation.

Ben had been sitting quietly and absorbing the discussion. He had not spoken at the meeting, but with the conversation having again grown quiet he felt that maybe it was time to tell his story. "I guess my story isn't quite so dramatic. We'd been married a little over a year and my wife started going out with some of the women she worked with. I didn't mind. She's always been more sociable than me and a few hours enjoying the women she worked with was good for her. The problem is she ran into an old boyfriend from college and somewhere along the line she decides she still had feelings for him." He paused for a moment and appeared to be deep in thought. "I don't think she was ready for marriage. She was still looking for that validation you get from meeting someone new, or in her case someone old. She knew the guy was a player, but I suppose that's what she was looking for. The crazy thing is I never caught her. She just came clean one night, told me all about it, and walked out of our apartment with her suitcase. I don't even remember the rest of that night. I woke up on the sofa, sober but disoriented, and eventually found my way into work. She calls every few days to check on me as if that's going to change anything. I hang up on her most times. I suppose she cares in her own way, but not enough to stay married. I have no idea what she's doing now except I hear she still has her job. Other than that, she's just an echo from a life I used to have."

"She was more honest with you than my wife was with me." Elliott decided to tell his story in the hope it might help Ben. "My wife told me she wanted a separation, found an apartment across town, and moved out. She took everything she wanted; thankfully, she even took the cat! I was blindsided just like you. It didn't take long before I started hearing stories that she was out on the town with some guy. It seemed she was moving on and wasn't telling me. Six weeks after she left her sister tells me that she's gone on a cruise with the guy. I said, 'That was fast!' and she looked at me like I was a dope. I guess I was. I trusted her, but she had been having an affair and just didn't have the courage to tell me. I don't know if she thought she'd do better in the divorce if I didn't know, or maybe she just wanted to avoid the confrontation?

"I finally had to admit to myself that she'd been having an affair before she left me. That was a dark day! I drove over to her apartment to confront her, and she stepped out into the hall. She never invited me inside. You can all guess why? I decided it was time for an ultimatum. I told her either she had to begin acting like a married woman, or she wouldn't be. I got served a week later.

"However, the program has helped me. I worked at it slowly with a lot of self-examination and I learned some things about myself. I had honored my marriage and my vows. I never cheated. I even behaved myself as the divorce worked its way through the courts until the marriage was officially over. When I came out the other side, I didn't feel any guilt. Guilt is a soul killer, and it clings to you long after you can do anything about it. I didn't even feel as much anger as you might imagine. I took my time and I realized that I had been a good husband. I didn't jump to that conclusion; I worked at it, and I got there honestly."

Elliott paused for a moment and then continued in a quieter, more introspective voice. "I never betrayed my marriage. I never even considered it. Somehow, she did. That's on her. Maybe she'll be happy and maybe she won't. That's not my problem anymore. I need to live my life the best way I can and that means leaving the pain and the anger behind, having good people in my life, and being honest with the people around me."

Elliott looked around the table and offered everyone this: "And if I'm being honest, I have a bad feeling that karma won't be kind to her someday. But you know what?" Elliott started shaking his head. "That, too, is not my problem."

Elliott was watching these two young guys as they spoke. It's hard to take the measure of a man when they are in this kind of emotional pain. He decided to take a chance. "Either of you fellows have kids?" He was looking at Axel and Ben in particular.

"No." They spoke almost in unison as they shook their heads.

"Good. Kids really suffer in a divorce. They never understand. They just see their whole world falling apart around them. The little ones especially get scared and think they're to blame. It breaks your heart when your heart is already breaking."

Bob knew Elliott's story too well. He had two kids in college when his marriage blew up and had once told Bob that he felt he dodged a bullet with that. The divorce was hard on his kids, but they were old enough to be told the truth and understand. He had struggled to help them through it, but in the end it was his kids who helped get him through his divorce. Elliott had told Bob with more than a little pride that somewhere, somehow, they must have done something right; his kids had their heads on straight and saw their mother's behavior for what it was. When he sat down with them to explain himself, it was them who explained to him that there is a difference between loving a person and respecting their choices. They would forever love their mother, but they didn't like what she did to the family. That discussion gave Elliott a great deal of comfort and helped him through the months of adjustment and self-doubt.

The table grew quiet for a time and Bob was loathe to break the silence.

Jason thought about how best to contribute to the discussion and spoke. "In some ways, you fellows were luckier than me; your wives took the decision out of your hands. I discovered quite by accident that my wife was having an affair with a mutual friend. She never confessed and she never left me until I left her. To this day, I honestly don't know what was going through her mind and that's unsettling to me. You see, when you discover your spouse's dirty little secret your mind becomes a tumble of conflicting ideas and emotions. Should you confront her, or just walk away? Should you divorce her, or give her a chance to fix it? You've invested all those years. Can you just throw them away? Can you still love her? Was sex a deal breaker for everything else in the marriage? Can you ever trust her again? And why? There is always a why! I spent so much time trying to decide how to deal with it. I was hurt, I was angry, and I was confused. I felt broken and I didn't know how to get fixed. I sometimes wish she'd just walked away and divorced me. It would have been so much easier that way. Then I could get mad, get even, and shut her out of my life. This way, I had to wrestle with all those doubts and decide what to do about them. After a dozen years of marriage, those decisions aren't easy. Commitment becomes a habit, and it can be a tough habit to break."

"What made you decide?" Ben was looking intently at Jason.

"Trust. The betrayal was bad, but the lies were what pushed me over the edge. She was so good at it, or I was so trusting, that she could lie to my face and never blink, never give herself away. I knew then that I could never trust her again." Jason took a moment to gather his thoughts. "If someone could tell me, could explain to me, how anyone could change so much from being someone I trusted completely to someone I could never trust again, I would dearly love to know."

Jason looked at the men sitting with him. "That's what the IA program is all about. That's what revenge never gives you. I'll never know why she did it, and I probably wouldn't believe her if she told me, but I do need to move on with my life. I can't let her decisions ruin every relationship I might have in the future. Preventing that from happening is the work we do in the program."

The group was quiet for a long time, each man taking a deep draw from their beer and looking intently at the tabletop.

Once more, Elliott looked around the table and he smiled. "Now, gentlemen, I'm going to leave you with one more nugget of truth before I take off. I've always known it to be true, but I really only learned it after a few months of being single again; half the world's population are women! We don't have to be alone. There are tall ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones, smart ones, funny ones, rich ones, poor ones. There are women who will treat you like dirt and some that will treat you like gold. There are women saving themselves for marriage, and women who just want you, body and soul, for about 12 hours." Elliott was smiling at this point. Hell, they were all smiling. "Best of all, there are some very few women who will laugh at your jokes. So take your time. This isn't a horse race. For at least ninety percent of the women out there, there is no substitute for a man. For a guy who makes an honest living, who cleans up well, who can listen when she talks and ask her why she's quiet, the sky's the limit. Work the program, leave the pain behind, and rediscover your worth as a man. I honestly believe that life is good and there are good women out there just waiting to be found. Okay, that's my sermon for the night."

Elliott looked at his young friend. "We're all going to get through this, Ben. I promise. Someday, you might even feel sorry for her. The party doesn't go on forever, and we all need to grow up eventually. You're going to find what you're looking for. She's out there waiting for you."