It was An Amicable Divorce

"You're right. Her chart says she's doing fine."

"Good."

"I saw her last name on the admissions sheet. There aren't many Carters in town and I thought she might be either Matt's or Tina's."

"No. she's mine."

"Where's her mother?"

"She died over three years ago."

"Oh, Michael. I'm so sorry."

"Yeah. Me too."

"Do you live back here now?'

"Yes. For the past few months." We just stood and looked at each other. Finally, I spoke. "Well, I think I should try to get some sleep."

"Of course." And she left.

I awoke about 5. There was a blanket over me.

I spent most of the next three days with Ruth. Lisa stopped by several times. She and Ruth talked about boys, and how they would react to her scar whenever she wore a bathing suit. "It's a very small scar." Lisa told her. "And besides, when they see how beautiful you are, they'll never notice it."

Ruth beamed.

The first Saturday after Ruth was released, my phone rang. I looked at the number, but didn't recognize it so didn't answer. The caller left a message, however.

"Hi. This is Lisa. I hope Ruth is still doing okay. Time in hospital is always worse for children, it seems." There was a pause. "May I talk to you, please? There are so many things I've wanted to tell you over the years, but never had the chance. Please, Michael?"

I listened to that message at least five times before I called her.

"Hello." She answered.

"Hi it's Michael."

"Hi."

"You wanted to talk?"

"Not on the phone. In person."

"Okay. Mom is taking the kids to the lake tomorrow; why don't you stop by my house around 10:30 in the morning. Or do you have to work?"

"No. Tomorrow is fine. Uh, where do you live?"

I gave her the address. "Do you still drink coffee?"

"I do, but it's Decaf now."

"Same with me."

She showed up at precisely 10:30, but then, she had always been punctual.

The coffee was already on the table when I opened the door for her. It seemed to me that she wanted to hug me, but changed her mind. I indicated where she should sit.

She sat, took a sip of coffee and started. "It was nine months into your first tour overseas. I had an affair. I had been without you and had been looking forward to having you back. Sammie Young saw me at the mall and started talking to me. Do you remember Him?" I shook my head. "He was two years ahead of us in School. That conversation led to another and another and another. Then we graduated to drinks and dinner. After almost two months, I slept with him. One time."

She sipped her coffee.

"When you came home, I was terrified that you would know, but you were so excited to see me that the possibility that I had been unfaithful never crossed your mind. You may recall that we had a wonderful year."

I nodded in agreement.

"Then you had to go back overseas and I came back here. You had only been gone a couple of weeks before he was back. I have no idea how he knew I was back in Ponca.

The thought of being without you for another year was more than I could stand. Less than a month after you left, I slept with him again. And I kept sleeping with him for two more months. Then I found out I was pregnant. That was when I asked you for the divorce. I told him, and he took off for parts unknown. I've seen him around town since then, but we never speak.

"After I filed for divorce, I lost the baby. I almost cancelled the paperwork, but felt so guilty that I didn't. I tried to tell you what I had done when you came home for your father's funeral, but you wouldn't let me.

"Cheating on you is the worst thing I have ever done and I've regretted it every day. I was selfish and greedy and can offer no excuse. I loved you when we were young, I loved you when I married you, and I loved you when I divorced you.

"All these years, I tried to avoid your family because I was ashamed. We run across each other occasionally, but that's about it.

"Two years after our divorce, I met a man at the hospital. His mother was in for surgery. We 'clicked' and a year later, we were married. Three years after that we divorced.

"Since then I've concentrated on my job.

"Then I saw Ruth's name at the hospital. As I said, I avoided your family but I thought if she needed anything, I could get it for her.

"I opened her door and you were there. I am rarely surprised and never shocked; but seeing you shocked me. I had no idea how to act or what to say.

"When I left her room, I went down the hall and broke down. I cried for two hours. I cried for happy that you were alive and well. Then I cried because of the stupid thing I did and because of the love I had lost."

I took a sip of my coffee which was too cold to drink by then, as was hers I imagined.

I sat looking at her and tried to think of something to say. I obviously didn't know she had cheated on me and I didn't know she got pregnant by another man while married to me.

Finally, I spoke. "I don't know what to say. I have always assumed that the reason you divorced me was because you couldn't stand our being separated. But you tell me that loneliness wasn't the problem at all. Horniness was. I understood the loneliness part. I loved you enough to let you go because I couldn't stand the thought of you being lonely. That's why I agreed to the divorce; but the cheating is hard for me to take even after all these years. The thought of you screwing some man while married to me is something I am having more than a little trouble with. I loved you enough to let you go and while I was crying because I lost you, you had another man's baby in you." I stood, reached over and took her cup, and walked to the kitchen. "I think you should leave," I said as I walked.

"Michael, please."

"Good bye."

She slowly stood and walked to the door, opened it and turned to me. "Michael, I..."

"Goodbye."

Why in God's name did she have to tell me that? Should it matter after all these years? And why should it affect me this way? At first I was angry, then outright mad. I 'stewed' for two weeks about what she had told me. Then my common sense took over. Why should it matter anymore? We had been divorced for years and I had no more feelings for her.

The end of the school year was coming up and it was a busy time for me so Lisa faded into the background. Big Jake had asked if the kids could visit him for part of the summer. I told him yes, of course.

Three days after school ended, he flew up. We met him at the airport in OKC and the kids flew back with him. Their visit was supposed to be for two weeks. That's all Big Jake figured he could handle.

I hadn't had much of a social life since Connie died and three years is a long time. Oh, there had been a couple of women along the way, but I still missed Connie.

My brother and sister had tried to 'set me up' with women, but nothing happened. What I mean is that there was no 'spark'; no connection. Oh, I fucked a couple of them, but that was just pure sexual release.

My brother was the Deputy Chief of Police by then. One day he came to my house. I had just finished mowing my lawn and was sitting on my front porch with a glass of iced tea. He went inside, poured himself a glass, then came out and sat with me.

We chatted for a few minutes before the real reason for his visit became clear.

"I shouldn't be telling you this, but since it's a matter of public record I guess it's okay. We've arrested Lisa three times in the last several weeks for public intoxication. Each time when my officers tried to bring her in, she would slap at them and tell them to keep their hands off her that she belonged to Michael Carter. The first time she said it, the officer thought it was funny so he told me. Then she said it the other two times as well.

"Her father bailed her out and the DA chose not to prosecute. When it happened again last week, she decided to go in to an alcohol rehab program in Tulsa. She's there now."

I shook my head. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Her father seems to think it has something to do with you. He had no idea you were back in town until the first time Lisa got drunk and started talking about having seen you and your daughter. When she sobered up, he asked her about it and she wouldn't discuss it. The last time he remembers seeing her drinking at all was during your divorce. He told me that she is normally almost a 'teetotaler'."

I remembered that she and I used to drink, but only rarely. "My question is the same. Why are you telling me this?"

"Honestly? I don't know. It just seems that she is crying out for help and you're the person she seems to be crying out to ... or for."

I took a deep breath and told him about the last conversation I had with her.

"Holy mother of God," he said. "Do her parents know?"

"I have no idea, but if she hasn't told them, I'm certainly not going to."

We talked until his radio started calling him and he had to leave.

For the next three days, I mostly thought about Lisa and what she did to our marriage. Loneliness vs Horniness. Love vs lust. The more I thought the more pissed I became. I owed her nothing; so why was I spending so much time thinking about her? I had no idea, but the next day I called Lisa's father and asked if I Could see him and his wife.

When I got there, we shook hands and Lisa's mother offered me some iced tea. During Oklahoma summer's nobody turns down iced tea. I hadn't been in that house in many years, but as I looked around, nothing seemed to have changed.

"What can we do for you, Michael" He started.

"I have no idea." I countered. "I heard that Lisa has been arrested and is in rehab and wondered if there was anything I could do."

"To tell you the truth, we have no idea. Everything was going along fine until she was arrested the first time. That's when we found out you were back." Her father said. "We don't know what to do, Michael. She seems to be in a lot of pain and she won't talk about it."

"We're getting old, Michael, and would like to find out what we can do to help her, but we just don't know." Said her mother taking her husband's hand and holding it tightly.

"Would it help if I saw her?" I asked.

"We have talked about that and we're not sure if it would help or hurt, but it's worth a try, I suppose," said her father.

The next day I drove to Tulsa. I registered at the front desk and was directed to her room.

She was sitting in a chair looking out at the gardens. She turned to see who was there when she heard the door open. Her eyes got wide when she saw me.

"Hi. Michael. I didn't think I would ever see you again."

"Why is that?"

"I figured you hated me after our last conversation and you kicked me out of your house."

"I don't hate you, Lisa. I've never hated you. But I do hate what you did."

She stood, walked to me and looked me right in the eyes. "So do I, Michael. I hate it with every fiber of my being but I can't change it. So, I've lived with the guilt and the self-hate all these years. There have only been a few days when I haven't thought about it. Those days have been few and far between, but they were a blessing." She turned and walked to her bed and sat on the edge of it. She paused with a faraway look in her eyes. Then spoke again. "Why are you here?"

"I'm not sure. I talked to your parents and ..."

She interrupted me and jumped up. "Oh my God, Michael. You didn't tell them, did you? It would kill them."

"No. I didn't tell them." I sat on the window sill and looked at her. "That's up to you if you ever want to."

"I will never tell them. Never. They would be crushed." She sat back on her bed.

"That's up to you." There was a pause and she started to tear up. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know. I thought I was, but now I'm not sure. I started drinking after I saw you last. I wanted to drown myself in alcohol because I thought it would make the memories go away; but it made them worse. It brought back every detail." She paused. "Do you remember what you said in your letter when you sent back the divorce papers?"

"Most of it."

"I remember every word. I still have it and I've read it at least a thousand times. You told me that you would give me the divorce if it made me happy. That was all you wanted to do in this life, and the thought that I was lonely hurt you and if the divorce made me happy again, then you signed the papers gladly. 'I have loved you since the day I met you', you said. 'Signing these papers is one of the easiest things I've ever done because it will make you happy.' And you signed it.

"I cried when I first read it and I cry every time I read it now." She turned away and started crying.

It was quiet in the room for a long time. I sat on the window sill and watched her. I was helpless to help her. I felt like crying a little myself.

I stayed with her until it was time for her to go in to dinner. She didn't want to go, but they made her. She acted like she wanted to hug me, but, like before, was afraid to touch me.

When I left, I drove right to her parents' house.

"Why is she there?" I asked.

"We don't know exactly. It was her idea. She said she had to stop drinking and they would help her."

"Has she ever had a drinking problem?

"Never."

"What caused it to start?"

"We thought you could answer that one, because we don't know."

"I'm no expert, but I think her problem is that she is hiding from something. I think she should come home. I don't think they can help her there." I opined.

"I agree." Said her father.

"I'm not so sure." Said her mother.

"With your permission, I'd like to go down and see her again tomorrow."

"Of course." They said in unison.

I was there bright and early the next morning. She was in the cafeteria eating breakfast. Her eyes lit up when she saw me.

"You came back." She said through a huge smile.

"I did."

"Would you like some coffee?"

"Yes, I would. But not here."

"Where?"

"At your parent's house. Why don't we have lunch with them."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes. What do you have to do to check out of here?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want to stay here?"

"Not if you want me to go."

"Then let's leave."

We went to her room, packed her stuff and walked to the reception desk. "I'm going home." Lisa announced. And we walked out.

As soon as she got in my car, she called her parents. "Hi mom. I'm on my way home." Pause. "Michael's bringing me." Pause. "We'll be there soon. Love you. Bye."

The rest of the trip was very quiet. Neither of us said anything, but I could feel her eyes on me every mile of the way. It was like she was trying to memorize me in case I vanished. It was like the day before when she kept her eyes on me most of the time I was with her.

Her parents were standing at the front door when we drove up. Lisa jumped out and hugged them like she had been gone for a long time.

"Why? How?" Was about all her parents could say.

"Michael wanted to have lunch with you so we came home."

"When are you going back?" Her mother asked.

Lisa looked at me.

I shrugged my shoulders.

She looked at her mother. "Never. I don't need them."

We had lunch. Then we had dinner. It was almost midnight when I left to go home. She walked me to my car.

"Thank you, Michael."

"You're welcome."

"Will I be seeing you again?"

"I don't know."

"I can accept that now, I think, because for years I thought you hated me. You said you didn't but I didn't believe you; but after the last two days, I feel in my heart that you don't. Now all I have to do is stop hating myself."

She walked back into the house.

Now what do I do? I thought to myself as I drove home. I had to admit that spending the day with her brought back some good memories. But every time I looked at her, I could see her bulging stomach filled with another man's baby. A big stomach might not be the case because I really don't know how big she was when she lost it; but in my mind's eye her stomach was big.

I stayed at home and worked in my yard and house for the next couple of days. It was cathartic for me. On the third day, I called her parents. "How's she doing?" I asked.

"Wonderfully. She's like her old self. She has asked if we have heard from you."

"Maybe I'll give her a call." I had her number from when she called me.

"She went back to work today and won't get off until three."

"Is she still staying with you?"

"No. She went home yesterday."

"Good for her."

At four, I called her.

"Hello."

"Hi. It's Michael." I could almost hear her intake of breath.

"Hi."

"I was wondering how you were doing."

"I'm doing well, Michael. Thank you."

"Listen. If you haven't eaten yet, would you like to grab a bite at Enriques's?" There was nothing but silence. "Hello?"

"Oh. I'm sorry, Michael. You just caught me by surprise."

"I understand. Maybe some other time."

"No. No. I'd love to go."

I found myself going over and over in my head trying to figure out why and when I decided to ask her to dinner, but drew a blank.

We were able to get a few laughs out of the evening as well as some pleasant reminisces of old friends and good times.

When I took her home, I walked her to the door. "Would you like some coffee?"

I almost said yes; but managed to decline saying I had a long day and needed to get to sleep. We hugged each other good night.

My kids had been gone long enough. I wanted them home. I had talked to them and their grandfather several times and got the feeling that they weren't ready to come home and he wasn't ready to let them. I chuckled.

I talked to Ruth and told her I wanted them home. "Dad, we can't come home yet," she said. "Big Jake is taking us on a Disney Cruise. We can't miss that."

"He's what? Let me talk to him."

He got on the phone. "Yes, Michael?"

"What's this about a Disney Cruise?"

"It's one that leaves every week. The kids will love it."

"Shouldn't we have talked about this?"

"Nah. I'm their grandfather. I can do pretty much what I want with them. It's in the grandparent's handbook, but they will need their passports. Would you overnight them, please?"

"Doesn't the parent have a say in the matter?"

"Nope. Not when it comes to grandparent - grandchild relationships. The parents become chopped liver."

I laughed. "Okay Jake. But if anything happens to them..."

Now he laughed. "Got it covered Michael. Enjoy another week to yourself."

"Maybe I'd prefer to have my children."

"Tough shit. You lose this one." We both laughed. I 'overnighted' their passports.

Maybe had they been home, I would have fewer reasons to call Lisa. As it was, I was able to wait two more days.

"Hi, Michael."

"Hi. I was wondering if you would like to go to OKC Friday. The Symphony is playing." It was Lisa who first introduced me to classical music. However, the program they would be playing was all Beatles stuff; but I didn't tell her that. I should have known better because she knew.

"You know they're doing an homage to The Beatles, don't you?" She laughed as she said it.

"That's okay. We don't have to go."

"No. I'd love to go."

We had gone to OKC to the symphony often and each time had spent the night. I had no intention of spending the night with her this time.

Friday morning came and Lisa called me.

"I can't go with you tonight," she said. I was tempted to ask her why, but didn't. I figured she might volunteer a reason. She didn't. "But thank you for asking. It means a great deal."

"Maybe some other time," I said.

"I hope so."

So maybe she was getting used to my being around and forgiving her. She might, finally, be beginning to forgive herself and is getting back to the life she had before I came back.

Lisa and I had no communication at all for the next two weeks.

Finally, my kids were coming home. I drove to OKC and met them. Big Jake had flown with them. I tried to get him to come home with us for a few days, but he wanted to get back home. There were some tearful goodbyes. Well, he and the girls cried. Little Jake just stood there embarrassed by the public display of affection his sisters and grandfather were showing.