It's a Christmas, Carol

"Why the hell am I here?" I asked.

"That's pretty easy," she said. "Someone who loves you, made a wish. True love is pretty powerful stuff. I should know. Just one touch of it has both enriched and ruined my life at the same time."

"So Carol made a wish for me?" I asked. "She really didn't have to do that. There's nothing I wouldn't..." She silenced me by touching my lips with her finger. My lips tingled from her touch.

"Honey, that ship has sailed," she whispered. "Let's not go backwards. Remember what you've already learned."

"Yeah Tim blurted out that Carol might be..." I began before she cut me off again.

"Evan, what did you feel when he said it?" she asked. "He told you too early, but did it seem like he was lying to you?" I just stared at her. Then she took my hand and walked me through the wall of the house again.

"This place is as good as any," she said. She plopped down on the sofa and gestured for me to sit next to her.

"Which one are you?" I asked. "Why did you die? Was it out of guilt for what you did?" She laughed then and her laughter filled the room. It was musical in nature and it made me want her even more.

"Why did I what?" she asked.

"Why did you die?" I asked. "All of you ghosts are helping me to see some aspect of whatever it is you're trying to show me. I assume that Tim died in a car wreck. He drives that car way too fast."

"Uhm, Evan...Tim and I are both still alive. He has a wife and kid somewhere. He never shuts up about them. I already told you. We're just helping out for the karmic benefits. Both of us feel bad about certain aspects of our lives. It's the holiday season Evan. Tim and I are just helping out. There are a lot of people going through hell during the holidays. They need all of the help they can get."

"So you're doing all of this...?" I asked in shock.

"...Just hoping for a chance to show the man I love that I'm worthy of another chance," she said. "So can we get to you now?"

I nodded and say down next to her. The big screen TV in front of us came on suddenly. "Evan what you're about to see is probably going to be painful. But I want you to know, that it's a good pain. It's a cleansing pain. My Tim once did this to himself. He went through it all alone. You have me here with you. And Evan it's going to take some time to get over this. But in the end you...I promise you, you'll be far happier than you ever thought you could be."

She reached out and touched my hand as we sat there on the sofa in front of the TV that was just displaying a blank screen.

Then there was a picture. And she was right it was painful. I was watching the office of my business. I was watching the scene from just an hour or so ago. I hadn't realized it but somehow, I'd become a crusty, cheap, old, man. I wondered what had happened to the man who once swore that any business he ran would always be a fun place to work.

Was I really this guy who screamed at all of the people who worked for him? Was making more money really that important? I had more than enough to live on and my kids would never suffer. They would always have everything they wanted, so why did we need more? Was it really the money that drove me or was it something else?

I saw them all. I saw my nephew Rob Kratchet. Shit, besides being one of my best employees, Rob was family. I should have made him my assistant manager years ago. And I saw Iris. I always saw Iris. As usual she was trying to calm me down. Iris was always trying to relax me and get me to have more fun. She was on my side no matter what. I needed to be a better boss. I needed to be a better friend to all of them. They were as much important to the success of my company as I was.

Then Carol came in. She embarrassed me in front of my employees. She was getting more spoiled as the years went by. She was spending more money as well. And most of the things that she bought were so stupid and so pointless that I lost track of them.

I looked, for once, at the expression on her face as she talked to me. I understood now what Tim had been trying to get me to notice.

Carol seemed to look at me, not with the love that I had seen on her face when we were younger, but with hate or even disgust. I wonder when that had happened. I had no clue what I could have done to make her feel that way. I loved her with all of my heart. I had never cheated on her. Not even once. I just couldn't figure out why she was so angry with me. But it hurt me. It hurt me badly. I instinctively squeezed the one thing I could reach; Ivy's hand.

"Oh boy, this is going to be rougher than I thought," she said.

"Well, you told me it was going to be painful," I said.

"Yeah, but this wasn't the painful part," she said. "That comes next." I wondered how they'd gotten the video. How was this recorded? I watched as Carol went into one of the biggest hotels on our city. She wasn't trying to hide anything. She'd stopped at an ATM on the way to withdraw cash with my credit card.

She didn't even knock. She just walked up to a door and it opened. Some guy that I'd never laid eyes on before started mauling her tits as if he owned them. Once they started rutting...I called it that because that's what it was. It wasn't making love. It wasn't even fucking. He just used her and she just let him. She didn't seem to be participating. She just let him do what he wanted to her.

The strangest thing about it was something that Ivy pointed out to me. Carol had placed a small framed picture of me on the bedside table and she looked at it while the guy fucked her. I couldn't for the life of my children figure out why the hell she did that. I was sure that in some way it meant that she still loved me and was being forced to do what she did.

"Evan, don't be a sucker," said Ivy beside me.

"You're just jealous," I said. "You're jealous because I'm willing to forgive Carol while that guy you're living up with won't give you another chance."

My words cut deeply and I felt bad as a tear rolled down her perfect cheek. I immediately felt bad. Because in her own way, and not just her, but all of these people thought they were trying to help me.

"It's okay Evan," she said. "I know that when you love someone that much, it's really hard to cut them loose. Maybe my Tim never felt that way about me. Maybe that's why he was able to just leave me, twice. I guess in our relationship I'm the one, despite my faults who loved him more deeply. I know that no matter what he did, I could never give up on him. So you keep on loving that slut. No matter now she humiliates you, no matter what she does. You keep the hope alive that someday she'll be worthy of what you have to give her."

"Well your boys are outside, now," she said, still wiping away her tears. "I'm sorry I failed you, Evan. But maybe that's the way it was supposed to be."

"What boys?" I asked. "I only have one son and he's only nine. You were supposed to be the ghost of Christmas Present, right?" I turned to look at her but she was already gone.

I went to the door and looked outside. There were two young men walking up the driveway. Neither one of them looked happy to see me.

One of them, a chunky...okay he was fat, boy had a lot of Carol's features. He boy was so fat, that it even looked like he had her tits. He looked really depressed.

"I feel so sorry for you, Dad," he said. "You really tried." The other boy kept looking at the ground. He wouldn't look me in the eye.

"Don't mind him," said the depressing fat boy. "He doesn't want you to see his face. He's usually always happy, but he's scared shitless right now that you'll see his face and recognize him. He's also afraid that you'll make the wrong decision and I'll be born instead of him. Try not to look at him, okay?"

"Wait, aren't you afraid that I'll make the wrong decision and he'll be born?" I asked.

"Hell no," he said. "We're actually the same person. You've only got one bullet left in your gun. If you hit the wrong target it'll be wasted anyway. Besides, I don't want to live like this. If this goes the whole way, my potential will be wasted. I see only suicide in my future anyway. The pain is becoming too much. Come on let's get this over with."

They moved so that one of them was at either of my sides and each grabbed an arm. We took a step as if stepping off of a curb and when the step was complete...there's no other way to explain it, but we were somewhere else. Where just a few seconds before, we'd been on an empty suburban street, we were suddenly standing on the corner of a very busy urban avenue in front of a really busy tavern. People were coming and going at a rapid rate. The two boys propelled me inside of the doors and we we're just in time to snatch a small booth near the back.

Our timing was so amazing that it couldn't have been a coincidence. Just as a couple stepped out of the booth, we stepped into it. The fat boy waved his arms frantically for the waitress. She made eye contact with him and nodded. Then she held up one finger.

"We're not going to be here long enough to order anything," said the thinner of the two boys.

"I know that," said the fat boy sharply. "I did that to make sure that we're undisturbed. The easiest way to make sure that a waiter doesn't come to you is to pretend to be desperate for service. It works on skanky waitresses too." Then he pointed towards a table off to our left.

It made no sense. But the fat boy sat at the table, hidden from view. "Isn't that...?" I asked.

"Yep, that's me," said the fat boy.

"But you look like hell," I said. "You look like..."

"Like I'm trying every drug and everything else I can to kill myself," he spat. "You're smarter than you look, Dad."

"Come on, it's time to go," said the thinner one as the version of the fat boy that we were staring at got up and staggered out of the tavern. We followed him. He staggered in his drug induced stupor right into traffic and nearly caused an accident but remained unhurt. A few blocks later, he practically crawled up the driveway of the same house we'd just left. I don't know how many years in the future we were, but the house was no longer well taken care of.

The boys each grabbed an arm and just as I expected we stepped right through the wall and into the house. Inside, the house seemed somehow darker and more depressing. The house had been redone and had every possible modern convenience. There were things there that I didn't recognize. They must have been products of the future.

I saw myself again. This time I was seated at a table with Carol. Her beauty was gone. She had at least three chins. She wasn't much larger in girth than she is in our time, but somehow she didn't carry it as well.

"Do you want to talk about this before your son comes home?" she asked.

"Carol, you know he isn't really my son," I said.

"You're the only father he knows," she sobbed. "Don't take that away from him."

"Carol he's a grown man and he's not stupid. I think he's always wondered why he doesn't look like his older brother and sister. If anyone took anything away from him it was you. You drained all of the joy from our lives," I heard myself say.

"It was a mistake," she sobbed. "And you can't seem to let go of it."

"Why should I?" I asked. "I'm not as stupid as I was when we were younger. I forgave you the first time and what did it get us?"

"You forgave me, but you never trusted me again," she said. "I know you tried, but even the one thing I always counted on you for, that undying love...I killed even that. It was subtle. You started spending more time at work. It seemed like you were always working. You doubled the number of hours you spent there. And on the weekends, you were always busy doing things with the kids. The three of you did things without including me. Even when I was invited, I didn't feel comfortable. It was as if you pushed me into the second affair."

"Are you trying to blame me for what you did?" I yelled. "I'm not the one who couldn't keep her legs closed. And I did forgive you. When you got pregnant, even though our sex life had become almost non-existent, I got into it. I did the same things I did with the other births. I loved you all over again. I saw it as a sign that it was time to put the past behind us..."

Carol started crying then. "I swear I thought he was yours," she wailed. "I thought the pregnancy would take us back to where we were. I didn't think it would ruin our lives. If I had known that...I would have terminated...."

"So you'd have covered up your whoring around by killing an innocent child?" I asked.

"He'd have been better off," she screamed. "We'd all have been better off. The lowest point of my life was when my twelve year old daughter looked at her youngest brother and said, "He really isn't like us at all. He seems more like a cousin than our brother." She said what every adult there was thinking.

"You did your best Evan. But, you still treated him differently. You bought him just as much stuff and you never once slighted him, but there was just a difference. Shit, I blamed him for the fact that after he was born we stopped sleeping together. I'm not even talking about sex. That had all but disappeared after the first time. But after he was born, you didn't even sleep in the same room with me. And everything had changed. It was as if you didn't even like me anymore, let alone love me." She sniffled heavily.

"Evan when we got together, I thought that you had been made by God just for me. I know what I was built like. I wasn't every man's cup of tea but I was yours. The first year that we were together, I had to be damned careful what I wore around you or I'd find myself bent over a table or a sofa with you hammering away at me like a madman. All it took was a hint of cleavage or a dirty joke and we were fucking up a storm. I miss that." Her voice broke as she said it.

"There was a time when I could be completely covered and you'd sneak feels on my tits whenever you felt like it. Now I can walk around the house in practically nothing and all you ask me is whether or not I'm cold. I'm sure you're fucking somebody, I just don't know who she is and..."

"Don't I deserve to?" I asked. "Don't I deserve a little bit of happiness too? This conversation isn't getting us anywhere. Dredging up the past only inflames old wounds. I'm going out of town for the weekend, case closed."

"But Evan it's Christmas," she whined. "Do you want the kids to know their father is off with some whore instead of spending Christmas with his family?"

"I think the kids will be fine," I snapped. "God knows they're used to it. I seem to recall you sneaking off on more than one Christmas, yourself. I wonder now why the hell I put up with it. I guess I did because I loved you so much and because I never really thought that you were going off to fuck some guy on Christmas. Boy what a fool I was."

"I deserve to be punished, Evan. But they don't. What if the kids come home with their families?" she asked. "How can I tell them where you are and..."

The other me sat stood up then. He walked around the table and looked deeply into the eyes of the woman he once loved. "Lying to you is pointless," he said. "Carol, the kids aren't coming here. I'm...we're all having Christmas at our daughter's house."

Her eyes filled with sadness and shock. "Without me?" she asked.

"Carol, apparently your parents told the kids some things before they passed away last year...Sandy and Jr. have a lot of resentment towards you right now. They're going to need some time to come to terms with..."

"Time...you mean like you've had?" she asked. "My own children hate me too much to spend Christmas with me..."

"Apparently they hate me too," said the fat boy stepping around the corner. He looked at both of them then he ran upstairs.

The future versions of Carol and me were at a loss. A few seconds later a gunshot rang out.

The two boys grabbed my arms and stepped back through the walls. "See how depressing my life is?" said the fat boy. "It gets worse. I didn't die. But I did disfigure myself. I lost one eye and my hearing on one side, but I survived. Can you believe it?"

I shook my head. I looked at the other boy. "Is your life as fucked up as his is?" I asked. "...Because if it is I don't want to see it."

"Relax," said the other boy. "My life is great. We all love each other. My older brother and sister love me and spoiled me growing up. You and Mom are happy as hell. In fact the day after Christmas, the two of you are going on a tenth honeymoon. I almost wish you weren't going, but I can't talk you out of it."

"Why don't you want us to go?" I asked, still trying to get a glimpse of his face.

"Because, Sandy and Jr. have their own lives and families," he said. "I'm the one who followed in your footsteps, Dad. This is the first time you're going to leave me in charge of the business. I'm not sure I'm ready."

"You'll do great," I said. "You've probably got my head for business and...oh shit, I hope you don't have Carol's ability to go through money!"

"That's not possible, Dad," he laughed. Then he turned away from me sadly. I turned towards the fat boy, who seemed even more depressed.

"What did I say?" I asked.

"Well you've probably figured out by now, that I'm not really your biological son, right?" he asked. I nodded. Obviously Carol had cheated on me again later in life and he was the result of that. It made me question trying to forgive her.

"Oh," I said sadly. I felt sorry for the fat boy, but I'd liked the other one. Even though we had shared only a few words, there was an instant connection between us.

"I guess I'm not his father either, huh?" I said.

"Oh, you are his father," said the fat boy smiling. "You are his one hundred percent biological father. He's your spitting image."

"So he looks like my other two children?" I asked. "His features are a combination of mine and Carol's?"

"Well you're half right," said the fat boy. "I guess that's why he's so sad. We're almost out of time and it really looks like we've failed to change your mind. He may not end up being born. We may end up being me after all. Dad, I guess this decision is going to be left up to you. Please, follow your heart and make the best decision for yourself. For once, be a little selfish. Make the best decision for you and things will turn out okay."

Even as he said the words, he and the other boy were fading back to wherever they came from. As they began to fade, I finally got a look at the other boy. He did look like me. But he looked like someone else too. It was definitely not Carol, though. I wondered what the hell that meant.

"Hey," I screamed. "How do I get back to where I came from?"

For a moment there was only silence. Then I heard it. It was growing louder with every passing second. I knew that sound well. It was the sound of a modular 5.0 motor supplemented by a huge supercharger. Its output was funneled through an exhaust system that had to have been forged in the fires of hell. I quickly jumped up on the curb and stepped a few paces back. I didn't want to make myself an easy target. I was sure that car hated me.

I looked down the road. At first I saw nothing. Then as swiftly as descending lightning, a flash of screaming yellow entered my field of vision. The next second Tim was getting out of the car and looking at his watch as he gestured for me to get in.

I got into the car beside him and buckled the seat belt. "You know Evan, Chrissie doesn't exactly hate you...okay, she doesn't hate you anymore than she hates anyone else that she hates. I think in your case it's more that she just doesn't respect you."

"Uh, okay, thanks, I guess," I said. As the familiar blurring of reality came, I spoke again. "Tim can you take me some when on our way home?" I asked.