Jetsam

I waited for her to look up at me again.

"I'd... I'd like a chance to at least try. I'd never forgive myself for not at least trying. I want to have something. With you."

"I tried so hard not to put you on the spot like this," she whispered, voice thick with emotion. "I tried so hard. I wanted you from the start. I didn't want to want you. I knew it would cause issues down the road. I knew I wouldn't get to have you. I thought you just wanted a... friend..."

"I do. Of course I do. I'm desperately lonely. Desperately. But if the price of having you as my friend is that I have to have you as my girlfriend too... I mean, if it's a buy-one-get-one-free situation we're talking about here, I guess I can make peace with that..."

She snorted when she saw my gentle smile. "You're terrible," she said, as she lay back down. "Absolutely terrible. You're treating this like it's a game."

"You'll get used to it, I suspect," I said. "It's my coping mechanism for things I can't yet get a grip on."

"Kelly?"

"Uh huh."

"Do you have any idea about what you're getting yourself into?"

"Not the foggiest. Absolutely no clue whatsoever. But..."

"But... what?"

"I just have this strange feeling that so long as I have you here with me... then I'll be okay."

"I hope so," she sighed tiredly. "I'm so... tired of being alone. I don't want to lose you too. Not when I've just met you."

I shifted downwards, deeper into our nest. "Come on," I whispered. "The birds are starting to sing, shall we see if we can sleep just a little bit longer? I'll hold you."

.:.

I woke, and fumbled out, reaching for her.

She was gone.

I sat up in a panic, looking around frantically for her. "No," I breathed. "Oh no, no, no! Ash! Where..."

Then I saw her bag on the floor.

"Oh thank God."

Weak with relief, I leaned forward onto my knees and took a breath to calm myself.

I swung my legs out of bed and, shivering, bent to pull on my socks. Then I stumbled into the kitchen, and squinted out through one of the windows.

She was curled up on one of the recliners, wrapped from head to toe in blankets that she'd stolen from the cupboard.

I sighed.

She must have been so stressed.

The sun was climbing over the tree line; dappled light would soon reach her face and wake her. But I'd leave her in peace for the final few moments that I could.

I filled the kettle and put it on the gas, then washed two cups. I kept an eye on her as I waited for the kettle to boil. I made myself a tea and loaded hers with hot chocolate powder. Then I grabbed another blanket, snuck outside with it and my cup and sat stealthily down on the recliner beside hers. I pulled the blanket around my shoulders to hide from the morning chill.

I watched as the first breath of morning breeze stirred the locks of her hair. I felt a sharp, almost painful breathless as I gazed at her.

She looked so beautiful, and so fragile, and my heart ached.

She made a faint noise of complaint as the first touch of sun kissed her.

I reached out, and brushed my finger against her cheek.

She stirred, frowned, and opened her eyes. She stared at me for a moment or two, seemingly trying to work out where she was. Then she winced, and shifted.

"Kells? What is it?" she mumbled.

"I thought you'd run away," I said softly. "I woke up and you were gone and I had a horrid moment of abject panic."

"I needed the fresh air," she answered as softly. "Sorry. I was stifling. Too stressed and scared and strung out. So I came out here once you started snoring. I got an hour or so more of sleep, I guess. It's better than nothing, anyway."

"Scared?"

"Terrified, really," she whispered.

I leaned forward and hugged her, then tucked my face into her neck for a moment. "Don't be. I'm going nowhere." I pulled back, stared at her. "I mean it."

She risked a small smile. "So. Where do we go to now?"

I took a deep breath.

"I know you don't do breakfast, but I do. So how about I make you some hot chocolate and me some toast, and we have a nice slow Sunday morning. Together, just you and me. Wake up properly, get dressed, and take a slow walk down to the sea. I want to spend the morning just with you. Just the two of us. I want you to have my full and undivided attention."

"That would be... really special," she said, softly. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "I'd like that a lot."

"Come inside then, and keep me company."

She freed herself from her blankets, lifted her hand and offered it to me. I helped her to her feet; she winced as she stood, and then leaned over to stretch out her lower back. "Remind me not to do this again," she groaned. "The cold got into my bones."

"You were silly. Next time just stay in bed with me. That would have been far better for you. You'd probably have got good morning kisses too..."

She gave me a shy smile but said nothing as she followed me indoors.

That wouldn't do.

"Ash?"

"Uh huh."

I put down my cup on the table, turned, and wrapped my arms around her. I looked up at her. "Good morning," I breathed. Then, impulsively, I stood up on my toes and kissed her.

She made a noise of surprise, then closed her arms around me. I clung to her, eyes closed, cheek to her shoulder and my heart thumping in my chest.

"Wow," I breathed.

And I smiled as I felt her giggling.

"Wow," she agreed. "Good morning. Um. That was... really nice."

"Want another one? Because I sure do. For a first kiss that was right up there."

"Oh yes. Yes, please..."

So I kissed her again.

.:.

I watched her as she bent to look at a potential find. She'd left her hair loose for our walk; when the sun broke through the patchwork clouds it flashed to gold around her.

A month ago I could never have imagined this latest change of direction in my life. Sure, I'd always admired (and, let's be honest, envied) beautiful women in clubs, or bars, or at work. But I'd never felt any need to be with them in the way I felt with her. Something about her spoke to me, some part of who she was called to me. She filled an empty space in me that I had not even known or suspected was there.

She looked up at me, as if she could hear what I was thinking. The shy smile she gave left me weak and made me want to pinch myself to be sure I wasn't dreaming.

My partner. My... girlfriend.

I turned the thought over in my mind, enjoying and exploring the concept from various different vantage points.

"Try that one on for size, Mum," I said under my breath. I laughed.

"What's funny?" she called.

"Was just thinking that my mum must be spinning in her grave right now."

"That's foul, Kells," she said. "Don't be so grotesque."

I saw the small smile and stuck my tongue out at her.

She turned another pebble over. "You've cursed me," she sighed. "There's nothing here. The fishes are jealous and have taken them all away to punish me."

"So walk with me then," I said. "There will be other days for fossil hunting."

She stood, and slung her backpack over her shoulder. I made my way over to her and took her arm.

"You are so slender and stylish," she said. "And you choose such flattering clothes. I feel like a complete clod around you."

"Well, I feel like a wilting violet around you, so I guess that's only fair. I'd kill to have your figure."

"I love yours. Have since the moment I saw you. You're stunning, Kelly - willowy and elegant. Please stop talking yourself down, it makes me really sad. You're beautiful. I'm not just saying that either. You have this lovely, reedlike grace to you. And I love it."

I looked up at her, and swallowed hard at the intensity of her gaze. "I'll... I'll try. I promise."

"That's all I ask," she said softly. She leaned in and brushed my cheek with her lips. "I wish you didn't have to go back to London this evening." she added.

"You and me both," I sighed. "I'd far rather stay here with you. I'd rather stay here with you forever."

We passed a mess of tangled fishing line, half-buried in the sand.

"Wait," she said. "Hang on. I've got to do something about that."

She paused, dug into her pack, and pulled out a plastic bag. She knelt down and pulled the line clear, following it until she found the hook and carefully closed the whole mess up. "It could kill something or injure someone," she said to my silent question. "I always pick line or bits of net up when I can. I like to leave the beach better than I found it."

"Girl guide."

"I am the sea and the sea is me," she said softly. "It's one of my favourite things on this Earth, so I do what I can." She packed the bag carefully away and brushed her hands clean against her hips.

"Mm."

I but my arm around her waist and held her against me. "When I first saw you I mistook you for this hardcore water goddess. I'm glad you have a soft and benign aspect too."

She smiled. "It's reserved for those who let me show it without judging me."

"I'd never judge you."

"I know."

.:.

I turned off the main road and pulled over. "Where to?"

"You can drop me here," she said. "I need to go grab some things from the Spar anyway."

"Okay," I said. I stared at her for a moment. "I am going to miss you so much this week. God, it's just sinking in how much I hate going back there."

"Me too. Please get going now - I don't want you driving in the dark. I'm going to worry myself sick about you on these roads."

"I'm going to head out now, Ash. I've got it all packed. But... there's something I want to give you."

I reached down into the cupholder and pulled out my cottage keys. "Here."

"Kells... what's this? Your keys? I... don't understand."

"Keep the keys for me. Go sleep at the cottage if you want to. Move in if you'd like. It will give you some space of your own if... if you'd like it."

"Wow," she breathed, eyes wide. "Really?"

"Yes. It would make me happy to know that you've got somewhere safe that you can just... be you. When you want or need it..."

She leaned over and pulled me into a fierce, shaking hug. "You... you have no idea what that means to me..."

"Can't... breathe..." I squawked, laughing. She released me, then kissed me, and I made some weird sort of involuntary noise that made her laugh as well.

"Get going," she said, smiling bravely. "Call me when you're home. Please."

"I will. Ash?"

"Uh huh?"

"I'll see you on Friday night."

"Drive safe, Kelly. Please be careful."

She climbed out and grabbed her backpack from the rear seats. She blew me a kiss and then turned away. I watched her until she turned the corner.

It was a long, lonely, stressful and dull drive back to London, and I hated every mile of it.

.:.

I'd slept in for once, then lurked lazily under the duvet, watching the room lighten. My first order of business was a large mug of triple-strength coffee, and my second was to drop my favourite tame recruiter a Whatsapp message; a simple non-committal So, whats's up? I'm looking for a change. Something low-stress in the South West. Got anything that would amuse me?

He was on it like a starving pig in a truffle patch.

I sauntered into the office a gnat's fart before nine. I sat down at my desk, retrieved my laptop, and logged in a leave request for the Friday and the following Monday, intending to surprise Ash with a long weekend.

And then it was merely a survival game until home time.

At around four my phone pinged; I picked it up and laughed at the photo of Ashleigh's feet in fluffy pink socks set against the backdrop of the hedge in my back garden.

Keeping home warm for you arrived soon after.

God, I wish I was there, I replied.

Ditto. I miss knowing you're close enough to touch

I smiled wistfully.

I miss your kisses

Stop it, I'm blushing

I packed my bags at six, locked my laptop away, and waved goodbye to a startled and bemused Graham. I made my way though the circuitous bowels of the London Transport System and got back to the flat by eight. I stripped out of my work clothes and dug out the navy teeshirt I'd loaned to her - I brought it to my face and inhaled; I could still smell her on it. I pulled it on so she'd be closer to me and made my way to the kitchenette where I poured myself a glass of wine.

I picked up my phone and dialled her.

"Hey, you," she murmured when she picked up. "I was just making myself something to eat."

"Hey you. I was just about to have a glass of wine and I wanted to hear your voice. It's incredibly lonely here."

"Ditto here, but it's better now that I can hear you. How's your day been?"

"Long but bearable," I grumbled. "I'm officially over London, though, that much is for certain."

"Are you, now?"

"Yeah. I'm going to look for something to do closer to... to home."

"That would be great. I'd like that... shit, two seconds, Kells... I just spilled water on the stove, the sodding rice boiled over as soon as I took my eyes off it. Hang on a mo."

I heard clanging and swearing. "Sorry," she said as she picked up her phone once more. "I'll lay in some cleaning stuff. I suck at this."

"At what?"

"Being domestic. I was born to be a kept woman."

I smiled to myself. "I'll keep you. What's the weather like out there?"

"Clear, beautiful. It's was a stunning sunset tonight."

"I'd love to be watching it with you."

"That would have been nice. What have you made for supper?"

"I haven't got that far," I said with a laugh. "I only just got home. Still destressing after the day with a glass of wine. My first order of business was to strip, my second was to phone you."

I heard her sigh.

"So..."

"So..."

"When will you be back?" she said, softly. "Friday?"

"No. Thursday night."

"What? Really?"

"I've taken leave. Thursday and Monday. To give us a nice long weekend together."

"Oh wow. Thats... you didn't need to do that, Kells. I mean... "

"I want to spend the time with you," I said. "I want to learn about you, the things you like, the things you need. I want to learn what makes you tick, what I need to do to look after you, what you need to keep you happy."

"You just melted me," she whispered, after a silence. "You just turned me completely to mush. God, Kelly, I wish you were here. I wish you were here so I could crawl into your arms and just be..."

"Soon. I promise."

She sighed. "Well," she said. "I suppose I'd better get back to this mess I'm trying to cook. God only knows what it's going to taste like once I'm done with it."

"There are crackers and some emergency tuna in the cupboard to the left of the back door. And mayo in the fridge. There's some hazelnut chocolate too."

"You really should not have told me that last bit."

"Consider it my naughty treat," I grinned. "I'll eat it vicariously through you."

She laughed. "I'll describe it in detail if I survive my supper."

I stretched. "Right, babes, I'm going to see what I have on this side."

"Ok. I miss you. Phone me before you go to sleep."

"I will. Bye, Ash."

"Chat later. Mwa."

The days of the week crawled by. My routine grated at me like nails on a chalkboard. I spent every free waking moment thinking about her. My work ethic died a gruesome death as I took to taking extended breaks in the office kitchen, sitting at one of the windows and staring out at the world. I could see the concern on Graham's face; the growing fear that he'd have to come and ask if I was alright.

I amused myself at imagining various scenarios in which I casually mentioned my girlfriend, just to hear him squeal like a sixteen year old girl.

Morning, Evening. Morning, Evening. My very own personal purgatory.

The phone calls every night did not help - they simply reenforced the unhappy reality of the distance between us.

"This is ridiculous," I said to her on one of our rambling night-time chats. "I'm like a lovesick teenager. You're in my head all the time."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"No. It's lovely. I love it. But there's no room for anything else. This afternoon I put the milk in the cupboard and the cup of tea I was brewing in the fridge. My colleagues are going to have me committed."

"I like that you think about me," she said. "I... I like hearing that you miss me."

"Why?"

"Because it makes me feel needed."

"Is that something you need?"

"It is. I need to feel like I have a place. I crave it."

"Trust me, you have a very special place."

"Mm. It's a shame you're not here."

"You're telling me."

"I've been lying here thinking of you. Of what I want to do when you get here."

"Really?" I breathed. "Tell me."

"No. It's far too personal for a phone call. God, I'm blushing now. Stop making me blush!"

I laughed. "You're gorgeous when you blush. I love the spots of colour you get on your cheeks."

"Kelly, stop it, you're making it worse! Oh my god. Stop it!"

"Well, all I want to do is wrap my arms around you and hear you breathing," I said. "I miss the feeling of you asleep beside me. I miss waking up and your voice being the first thing I hear."

I heard her sigh. "If you keep on talking like this you're going to have a real problem on your hands when you get here. I will tie you to the bed and never let you out."

"Promise?" I asked, and I smiled at her quiet, heartfelt "Yes."

I spent a fraught Wednesday night trying to decide on what I wanted to wear for her. In the end I chose convenience over couture; my only nod to raciness of any sort being the red lace bra and panties I shoved in as an afterthought.

I packed my bag and left it conspicuously on the floor. It gave me a focus, an anchor - something to look forward to as I counted down the hours.

Thursday dawned and crawled past, and meetings and transport chaos on the underground meant I got away later than I'd planned to.

Traffic was biblical leaving London, and it took some time to get past all the chaos in Heathrow and surrounds. Thankfully it cleared once I crossed the M25 and I soon found cars to match speed to, trying to keep my average speed up a shade above seventy.

The miles slid by. I finally began to relax into the drive. I pulled into the services near Winchester and bought myself something to eat and a strong coffee to keep me alert. I filled the Mini's tank, visited the rather grim ladies restrooms, and got back onto the motorway having lost only a little time.

I'd only gone a few more miles though when I noticed the halo around the lights of oncoming vehicles.

Mist.

Shit.

I moved swiftly over to the left hand lane, something I usually hated to do due to the potential for debris and the risk of getting cut off by trucks. But cars were screaming past to the right of me at well over eighty and I didn't fancy my chances if one of them misjudged their closing speed as the visibility deteriorated.

Time passed. The world slid by. The mist grew thicker. Drivers around me turned on their fog-lights and, thankfully, began to ease off on their speed.

My GPS's projected time of arrival climbed slowly back up north of two hours as I passed Southampton and merged onto the M27 heading west.

Things were getting far from ideal. I started to seriously consider whether I should find somewhere cheap to spend the night. I racked my brains, trying to think of the geography. Ringwood would be the best option. I'd phone Ash and let her know, then leave early the next morning...

The mist was getting thicker still. It was getting hard to see more than ten seconds ahead.

I could feel myself clenching my jaw. I rolled my shoulders, forced myself to relax, forced myself to watch the road and try not to get distracted by the growing tendrils of fear.

The road undulated gently down into a dip, and I cursed as the visibility went from poor to terrible.

And then, suddenly, a sea of scarlet lights ahead as everyone slammed on their brakes all at once.