Journey Into Electric Darkness

WARNING, do not repeat any of the acts I describe here. They were stupid and dangerous and could have resulted in serious injury or death. This is a true personal account of how I got involved with BDSM and electric play as an ignorant person blind to the potential deadliness of my homemade toys. This story is not encouragement to try anything it describes and I discourage anyone from starting down this path.

I am a grown adult now but got into BDSM, electric play, and self bondage on my own early in life with absolutely no influence from anyone else. Until posting this story to the net it has been a complete and dark secret of mine. It is a bad idea to say at what exact age it all started but let's just say it was the beginning of puberty.

The Experiment:

While playing with an instructional electronics kit there was a mistake involving a relay and an audio transformer that generated a square-wave ac signal. Touching the transformer output by accident produced a shock to the fingers. The feeling immediately captured my interest so I explored further by touching two wires to various parts of my body. Fortunately, safety was a concern and there was a clear knowledge not to not do anything stupid like connect a circuit across the heart. After playing with feet, legs and butt cheeks the next thing was to try sticking one wire up my ass and touching the other one just on the outside. With the contact area of single bare wires being so small the sensation was instant pinpoint burning pain. That was not fun right away but the potential was obvious that there had to be something worth further investigation.

The first step in my exploration was to go from a mistake to a serious electro shock circuit. Using a simple relay interrupter hooked up to pulse into a transformer worked fine. The frequency was too high at first and produced a tickle buzzy kind of feeling. Adding a capacitor across the relay slowed it down some. Playing with different values got the frequency reduced to about 50HZ which caused the most powerful muscle contractions. The overall sensation wasn't strong enough yet so further modifications were needed to produce more output. More batteries helped and the audio transformer was very small so that was replaced with a larger one from a broken radio. That made it all too strong so it had to have a variable resistor added to adjust the output intensity.

Next, it was time to build and test various electrodes to see what they felt like. Larger surface area contacts produced less burning and more of a deep shock than small contacts. Also, if one electrode was large and the other was small then all of the sensation of shock would come from the smaller side. It was fun to place a large foil contact on each butt cheek and cause powerful contractions. From internal anal experimentation, the greatest sensitivity and muscle response was produced with the electrode placed 1/2 to 1 inch inside. This was determined after positioning electrodes at various depths up to about 10 inches. Placing an electrode deeper inside thinking it would give more powerful sensations is not correct. It didn't do much even with full power, it just produced a weird sick nauseous ache inside that made me nearly throw up. That wasn't very fun and the risk of damaging an internal organ seemed real so the deep stuff was abandoned and play was restricted to the outer regions of the anus. Two circular electrodes running around the probe produced pain but not much in the way of contractions. Side-by-side contacts running front to back along the probe caused a powerful response. Using the large transformer and touching the battery to it manually for just one single shock pulse caused a contraction hard enough to jerk the whole lower body around.

Seeds of Addiction:

It is hard to remember or describe exactly what I first liked about doing this. The sensations were just so addictive. It was unexplainable but I just liked this specific kind of pain from electricity and liked it best in my anus and nowhere else. I wanted more of it and could not be stopped. My ass kept getting used to the shock level and whatever hurt for a while would eventual fade and become uninteresting. This started a never ending desire for a more and more powerful sensation. The way to get it was adding more batteries and an even bigger transformer. The circuit was finally capable of an output level so high I could not work up the raw nerve to willingly turn the resistor all the way down.

Again, that became easy and boring after a while and new dimensions were needed. I wanted to feel out of control and push my limits of pain so an off switch was hooked up to a wind-up mechanical timer to produce a timed shock. I would try to just lay still and take it until the timer ran out but any level of shock tolerable for starting out would eventually become too small after a while. That meant repeatedly reaching over and turning up the shock to get more effect and again it was still limited by will power. That was fixed by hooking up a second timer to the variable resistor so the intensity would start out very small and automatically build up to maximum. It was exciting because the resistor didn't always move smoothly and sometimes there would be big sudden jumps in shock level. Now hands were no longer needed to adjust the device once started and it was possible to tie myself up somewhat to pretend being stuck. At first it would always be tested briefly at maximum with the electrode in my ass to know exactly how much it would be and to make sure it was humanly possible to tolerate it full strength. That was still too much predictability and no real surprise. So, an extra battery would be added and the timers started without knowing how strong it was going to be when the resistor reached zero. Again it was not enough excitement because even with all the timers there was still some level of control since it was always possible to just untie the ropes and reach over to turn it off any time. The only possible escalation from here was true total loss of control combined with helpless submission to an unknown amount of pain.

Fantasies of Pain Come to Life:

This was the point where it became a true twisted obsession even at such a young age. I was addicted to this exact type of anal pain and nothing else would turn me on. The sad thing is that I didn't even learn how to masturbate prior to playing with electricity and now I was so jaded there was no possibility of pleasuring myself without it. Looking back, there might even have been a danger of creating some kind of split personality with the sadistic inventor on one side developing ever more sophisticated torture devices to punish the insatiable masochist on the other side. This is the kind of self-bondage scene I was into less than one year after starting down this path:

The power source was highly refined now. It had a delayed start, measured shock duration and automatic power level increase timers. Rechargeable batteries were needed because there was no way to explain such a continuous need for expensive disposables. Rechargeables were not cheap either but it was easy to buy just a few at a time and build up to the needed amount. The charger only held four at a time so it took three days to get them all ready. It was hard to wait that long but it was better to be certain there was enough charge available to push the session over the edge and not run out rather than going early and suffering total disappointment. Sometimes I would glance over at it while doing my homework and think about all of that fantastic power storing up to be released back out and delivered straight into my rectum. Extreme care had to be taken since that many batteries short circuiting would easily start a fire leading to either embarrassing discovery or embarrassing death.

When it was all finally ready, I would start by taking out my homemade 1 1/2 inch diameter 6-inch long dual-contact electrode. The contacts had to be well lubricated to work right and this was done with just a bit of masturbation to produce the needed wetness. Sometimes I would pretend to be that other person, the sadist, running the probe up and down against me picking up my lubrication while ever so lightly patting my buttocks with desire and whispering "oh, just you wait and see what we have in store for you tonight". This was an important beginning for the ritual because having my own body fluids ensure good electrical contact was a way of creating a full circle linking my sexual desire to the pain that was about to be inflicted. Just the thought of it gave me chills. The cold probe was then inserted slowly into my anus leaving about an inch sticking out. Hot-melt glue was squirted around the exposed end and my cheeks were pressed firmly together to make it stick good so it wouldn't fall out when the thrashing began. The burning of the melted glue against my skin was just a small tease for all the glorious pain about to come. It would not stick to the inside smooth skin of my rectum but it stuck strongly to the outside. There was no hair in that region yet but if there had been it would have certainly been pulled off by all the glue. There was also a harness of metal cable threaded through a hole in the end of the probe and wrapped around my waist and secured with a lock.

One by one, batteries were taken from a pile on the floor and placed into their holders. It was a marvel that they looked so innocent and yet so much potential pain lived inside of them if you only knew how to set it free. The electronics went into a plastic box and sat 6 feet away from the bed locked into a desk drawer. The heavy power cable was taken from a thick outdoor extension cord and ran out and over to the bed and around a bed post several times to prevent any pulling from removing it from the shock source. From there it ran up onto the bed and into the probe in my ass. It was tied to the metal cable harness very well to prevent being pulled out of the probe. My feet were tied spread eagle to the bed posts with just about a foot of slack. There was another restraint tied to my wrist using a combination lock and connected to a rope pulling my arm tight over my head to just about a foot short of the headboard stretching my body out tight in the center of the bed. The other hand was left free to masturbate but there was no way using all possible strength it could ever remove the electrode or undo any restraints. The room was pitch dark but there was a light on a regular wall timer set to turn on just after the session was completed. Once that combination lock on my hand was closed there was absolutely no return because it was too dark to see the dial on the lock. Sometimes there was a second or two of hesitation but I never failed to click that lock shut and seal my fate for the next hour.

It was an unbelievable feeling just waiting there in the dark anticipating what was about to happen. Adrenaline pumping in my veins and my heart beating fast. Counting out the seconds and listening to the muffled sound of timers ticking away in the drawer wondering when it would start. Questions dancing in my mind like how long until the power level built up to causing serious pain and exactly how much pain was going to result this time when the resistor reached zero and let the full unrestricted shock flood into my soon-to-be-tortured anus? Did the timers get set right and what if the off switch didn't work this time? Did all of the wires get connected properly or was I going to just sit there like a complete fool while absolutely nothing happened for an hour? When the shock started it was always just a small tickle at first but the sexual excitement was undeniable. After about 6 minutes it went from tickle to slight pain and it was time to masturbate. The charge slowly increased and the feeling was pure pleasure so strong there was a ringing in my ears. It was a precisely timed sort of masturbation. If the orgasm came too fast then the full effect of the shock would be wasted but if it took too long then the pain level would get so high it would stop the pleasure seeking dead in its tracks. After the orgasm hit me and started to fade, the shock-induced pleasure that was my friend would turn against me and become all pain without pleasure. Still, the timer on the resistor ticked down, slowly but monotonously turning up the voltage bit by bit with the occasional small jump as the resistor stuck a bit as it rotated. Just a few minutes more and it hurt so bad my body twisted around in bed straining at the restraints in vain. It was no fun now, why did I do this to myself? ... and it was too late to ask.

My mind raced over escape plans but there was nothing possible. Sometimes I would claw at the electrode and try to pull it loose. It was no use, the restraints were just too strong but that was the whole idea. Struggling wasn't meant to gain freedom, it was just a way of fully acting out the part of a helpless torture victim. There wouldn't be much need for play acting in a few minutes because it was all about to get very real. There was no way to stop this inevitable process of pain. My whole ass was on fire now, muscles clenching, agony ripping through my rectum. A homemade gag made out of a t-shirt and locked into my mouth with a metal cable prevented screaming out loud. It was possible to breath through the gag a bit but it was not enough. I would end up panting through my nostrils as fast as possible because of the pain. Still, the level of shock increased and now the pain seemed to extend out from my rectum into my whole pelvis. Maybe it took my breath away so much it would not have been possible to scream even without the gag because I was truly gasping for air as quickly as possible just to survive. This could not be attempted with any sinus congestion or I would suffocate. There wasn't even a stray thought to any further masturbation at this point. It was just about the pain and survival now. In the heat of the moment there was always a sick fear that this was the one time I had finally pushed it all too far and the current was surely permanently searing through my rectum leaving a charred mess of tissue burned onto the probe. That's what it felt like every time and even if it was true it couldn't be stopped. There was intentionally no clock visible from my position on the bed to enhance the feeling of uncertainty and it wasn't possible to keep mental track of time while crazed senseless with so much pain. As a result, there was no way of knowing how much time was left or if the power was even all the way up yet. It felt like the shock was always getting stronger the whole time without limit even though that wasn't possible. The goal was to place myself into a universe made up entirely of pain. Time, space, desire and even fear eventually disappeared. It just went on and on like that for about 40 more minutes while I cried continuous silent tears, arching my back, rolling my eyes into my head and sometimes convulsing helplessly all the while knowing there was absolutely no escape.

That was the exact mental feeling I grew addicted to, being helpless in pain from my own actions. My fiendish inventiveness had perfected a way of achieving it all by myself at any time. When the shock timer finally finished ticking down it would turn off the shock and my straining muscles gave up instantly and let my body collapse like a rag doll. Maybe a minute or two later the light timer activated and lit the room. I was not able to move right away. The weakness was so deep it was only possible to just lay there shivering for a short while trying to slow down my breathing and heart rate. The mental screaming of pain faded a bit and reality crept back in. It was hard to open the lock with my fingers shaking and making mistakes while trying to dial the combination. Looking down, my whole body was dripping with sweat so much it had soaked an outline of itself into the sheet. It was important to keep water handy and not get dehydrated before starting the next round of pain. A long electro session was kind of like running a marathon; you have to eat well to have enough calories to get through it but not too heavy and not too soon before starting. The gag scared me, it was obvious that throwing up while bound and gagged would have likely been fatal. In a weird way I was proud of being able to do this awful thing to my body like it was some achievement worthy of praise but also so embarrassing it was impossible to share with any other person. That fear of having damaged myself internally was always there but it was too much work to bother with removing the probe between sessions and checking the skin for blisters. If wiggling the end of the probe back and forth didn't cause too much pain inside then it was good to go for the next round.

The very first time performing a session like this was all so new and scary and filled with unknown risk and adventure. Just like every thrill before it though, enough repetition and it became old and easy. Sleep never mattered to me when the craving kicked in so adding a second round was inevitable and so was the third. Each session required a fresh set of charged batteries. My insides started out more raw with each successive treatment since they never had time to fully recover from the last round. That made the physical response increase each time even though it was the exact same level of stimulation. The last round was always the hardest in terms of mental motivation due to a buildup of both pain and exhaustion. This was the very limit of my body's physical resources. Everything would be setup again and my shaky hand touching the combination lock while conflicting thoughts battled each other in my head. "Don't do it, you've proved your point twice and had enough", "No, there is no such thing as enough, just do it", "Please, no more, I can't take it again", "Ha, you know it has to be done" and click went the lock as I trembled in fear.

The first two times were done laying on my back to allow easier movement for self pleasuring but that was not on the agenda for the last round. That would be done on the stomach offering myself up as sacrifice to the probe; just laying there letting it have its wicked way with me injecting a continuous stream of undiluted evil directly into my bowels for another hour. The world of pain came quickly this time and my mind traveled to some pretty strange places. It must have been the endorphins rushing through my veins. Right up until then you could call it all some extreme form of pleasure/pain play. That final scene, on the other hand, had no pretense at reward of any kind. It was a search for a new level of self abuse in its most raw form. It truly scared me what lurked inside that could possibly want such a thing. The limits of my desire may not have been found but the edge of my physical abilities and willingness to take risk was.

It is a good thing I never got around to buying a fourth set of batteries because three took its toll plenty. Once I had my fill there was a temptation to just fall asleep right there still tied up with the probe in my ass. That could never happen because risking discovery by my parents was more frightening than a million volts. All of the restraints had to be undone and the electrode carefully removed. The glue stuck to the probe more firmly than my butt so it would sometimes tear off a bit of skin and form a wrinkly ring around the base of the probe. I was afraid to look but it was always a big sigh of relief to see that my rectum was intact and not blistered with oozing burns. Despite my unquenchable appetite, there never was any real permanent damage done beyond minor first degree burns. The internal part of the probe was always hot to the touch and shining with my sweat and other fluids. Having penetrated my most personal intimate space and taken full control of my body for hours on end it emerged victoriously smelling of musk, ozone and electrical tape. God, I loved that damned evil thing and what it did to me. Even after a full night of agony and bone-deep exhaustion just the mere sight of that electrode, my chosen master, still turned me on and set my blood racing with desires my tired body couldn't deliver. One last step, everything had to be wiped off, disconnected, disassembled and hidden in various places around the room to prevent my parents from discovering my implements of pain. That was it before drifting off to sleep with strangely tranquil dreams.