Learning to Love Louise

Paul was too overcome with emotion, to continue and Louise finished his sentence for him. "The dreams?"

Paul looked back at Louise, sensing that she understood something that had affected him so badly. "Yes," he said. "You understand about the dreams?"

"Oh yes, the dreams are the hardest thing," said Louise. "But it's impossible to work out which of the dreams is the worst. Is it the one where you relive everything as it happened, and wake up feeling as though it happened all over again? Is it the bad dream where you wake up and think 'what a terrible nightmare' and feel relief, and then realize it was all very real? Perhaps the dream where you dream that there was a different outcome and they were okay? The confused dream where they're still alive but you know they're dead? Or the dream where nothing bad happened and everything is okay?"

Paul was stunned. Never once in the nearly 16 years since Jane had died had anyone come close to understanding this, yet Louise did the first time he had told her about his lost fiancé.. "How do you understand the dreams so well?"

"Years ago, I had something similar happen," said Louise. "Not the same obviously, I wouldn't pretend to have experienced anything that compares to you losing Jane like you did, but I think I understand how you feel about Jane."

"Would you be willing to tell me about it?" asked Paul.

Louise nodded. "Sure. When I was growing up, my best friend was a girl named Vicki. She lived up the street from me and we would always walk or ride our bikes to school together. We were part of a larger group of friends that played netball together, but Vicki and I were best friends, or best friends forever as they say nowadays. Vicki was such a pretty blonde girl, and always so kind and fun. Anyway, one Tuesday the October school holidays when we were 12 Vicki came over and asked did I want to ride over to another friend's house and listen to music. I would have loved to have gone, but I had a dentist's appointment, and couldn't go but I said to Vicki to go and have fun and I'd see her later. Except I never did."

Paul already knew what the answer would be, but asked in confirmation, "Vicki died?"

"Yes," said Louise. "Cycling over to our friend's house, she made a mistake on the road, and was hit by a truck. When my parents told me, I was just so shocked, I didn't cry, I didn't get angry, I was just like a zombie for days afterwards. At Vicki's funeral, everybody was crying but I never did, I just stared blankly into space. I guess like with you and Jane I couldn't believe she was gone, that I would never see her again, would never hear her voice or grow up together. I guess with the benefit of hindsight I was in shock, and had it happened today I would have been offered counselling. But this was in 1991, and counselling wasn't really such a big thing back then so I was left to get over it on my own."

"I'm really sorry about what happened to your friend," said Paul.

"Thanks," said Louise. "Anyway, as time went on I was supposed to get better, but I only got worse. I was getting all A's and B's up until that point, but when I got back to school I was suddenly getting all F's. I would misbehave at school and play truant, I was rude to my parents and mean to my brother and sister. I didn't want anything to do with my other friends, all I wanted to do was write these stories in a notepad where Vicki was alive and well and everything was okay. I would go into fantasy, telling myself Vicki wasn't there that weekend because she was visiting her grandparents, even though I knew that wasn't the case. Most of all, I was angry at myself. I blamed myself because if I'd gone with her that day instead of to the dentist, things would have been different and Vicki wouldn't have been in the accident and would still be alive. Then of course like with you there were the dreams to torment me night after night."

"What happened with you, how did you move past it?" asked Paul.

"When the new school year started in 1992, I again cut school on just the second day. I didn't even try to forge a note from my parents, and the truancy officer got involved. Mum and Dad were really angry at me, I got angry back not that it was unusual at that time in my life and ran out of the house. It was the night everybody put their bins out and I stormed along the street in a blind rage, tipping out the bins and strewing the garbage everywhere. Mum and Dad ran out after me and I just collapsed into the street, sobbing. They arranged for me to see a psychologist after that. I didn't want to at first and wasn't very cooperative, but it did help talking to the lady and as time went by I did get better."

"It's understandable that you'd react like that," said Paul. "You were a 12-years-old at the time, you were confused, upset and angry when Vicki died. I was an adult, and I still can't cope with what happened to Jane when I see certain things."

"I still feel sad for Vicki sometimes," said Louise. "Like when it's her birthday, or the anniversary of the date that she died. Last year I was at the supermarket, and I saw a girl aged about 12 who looked just like Vicki, it was uncanny. I couldn't stop myself from staring at her. It was only when the girl's mother came over and gave me a dirty look and let the girl away that it broke me out of my trance. I hate to think what the mother was thinking, a woman in her late 30s staring at her young daughter like that."

Paul nodded. "I had a similar thing happen. We sold Jane's car when her will was finalized, she had a little white hatchback. It was a pretty common model, so for years after I would see one of those cars and would think, 'Jane used to drive a car like that.' Anyway, about five years ago I was at a shopping center and one of those cars pulled into the space in front of me. At first I just thought it was another car the same as Jane's car, but then I looked more closely and recognized the registration plate, it was actually Jane's car. And the girl driving it was a pretty petite brunette with big brown eyes. My blood went cold, and I couldn't stop staring. The girl and her friend glared at me, I think they thought I was a pervert. Why do you think such small things get to us, after so many years?"

"Possibly because Jane and Vicki died so quickly and unexpectedly before their time," said Louise. "Vicki was cycling to a friend's house like she had done a hundred times before. You and Jane were just walking down the street, and had your whole lives ahead of you. When a person is very old, or very ill you're expecting it me, and while you're still obviously very sad, it's easier to cope. My Dad passed away a couple of years ago, but while he wasn't that old, he was very sick and in a nursing home, so we all knew it was going to happen sooner rather than later."

"That makes sense," said Paul. "And I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, I didn't realize he'd passed on."

Louise shrugged her shoulders sadly. "Dad had dementia and had suffered a stroke. He didn't know Mum, his kids or grandchildren before he died. In a sense it was almost a relief, he was finally at peace. I'm glad we talked Paul. I hope it helped you with everything?"

"It did," said Paul. "But where do we go to from here? I really like you, Louise. I would hate to have blown it last night, but I understand if you don't want to see me anymore."

Louise put a reassuring smile on her face. "I like you too Paul, you're a great guy. Last night was the first time you'd been out on a date with anyone other than Jane, so it was always going to be tough for you. Now I understand about what happened with Jane, I think we take things slowly, and at your pace. We could start just by spending time together doing ordinary things, and see where we go from there."

"I'd like that," said Paul, relieved that Louise was willing to give him another chance.

"How about we start today?" suggested Louise. She could see that Paul was still very on edge emotionally, and didn't want him to be alone in such a condition. "The boys don't get back until late this afternoon. You could come to my house, and we could just spend the day together."

Paul, feeling exhausted physically and mentally from the events over the past 24 hours, simply nodded and got to his feet, following Louise from his house and to her own house next door.

*

The following weeks and months were challenging ones for Paul. While loving Louise becoming part of his life now, he continued to struggle with his feelings for Jane. Since her death, Jane's ghost had been appearing to him through his subconscious, but now she was no longer there. Paul remembered her words when she last appeared to him, but despite trying not to he always found himself looking for her at his house, at work and when he ran alone on the banks of the Torrens River, all to no avail. Eventually he began to look for Jane's ghost less and less, and Paul accepted she was not going to appear, but could only hope that wherever she was that she was happy.

However, soon Paul was not alone on his Friday morning runs by Adelaide's main river, he was joined by a tall, attractive, red-haired woman who was 100 percent flesh and blood, in the form of Louise, who now organized her Friday morning schedule so she could accompany him on his fitness routine.

Due to their respective pasts, Paul and Louise took their relationship far slower than other couples might. Louise's marriage failing and that she was the mother to two young sons made her cautious, while Paul had only been with Jane until their life together was so tragically and suddenly cut short that cool evening at Glenelg so many years earlier. Time spent together was at first mainly spent doing mundane, ordinary things together such as the shopping, gardening and housework, before moving to dating properly and holding hands.

Having never dated any woman other than Jane, when walking along hand-in-hand with Louise Paul would sometimes expect to turn and see a pretty and petite brunette with wide brown eyes by his side, and it took some adjustment on his part to become familiar with the tall, attractive, green-eyed redhead who was now there.

Other challenges Paul faced in his new relationship were common with many men who begin dating divorcees with children. Louise's two sons Tyler and Josh were somewhat surprised to find that the man who lived next door was now dating their mother and wary at first, but soon warmed to their mother's new boyfriend especially when they found out that Paul had been a pretty handy footballer in his younger years and as a teacher, a good source of information for school projects.

There was also the awkward moment when Paul met Louise's ex-husband for the first time, when he came to collect his sons for an outing. To Paul's relief Simon was a nice enough guy, who seemed glad that his ex-wife was now happy with somebody else, given Simon himself had a new girlfriend, a fellow divorcee with two daughters.

Kissing Louise for the first time was another emotional experience for Paul. While eagerly anticipating it, his first kiss had been with Jane, and she had been the only woman he had ever kissed romantically, and Paul felt guilty. But as they embraced and locked lips, Paul feeling his tongue intertwine with Louise's tongue, Paul knew how much he loved Louise, and how he wanted this relationship to continue.

It was on a cool, damp Adelaide Saturday morning in winter that Paul and Louise made love for the first time. With Louise's two sons with their father for the weekend, the boys complaining about having to play girls' games with the daughters of their father's new girlfriend, Paul and Louise decided to have their own adult sleepover.

Climbing into Louise's bed on the Friday night, rain falling outside, Paul again found it strange climbing into bed with a woman other Jane, as she was the only woman he had ever shared a bed with, and for close to 16 long years he had slept alone, very much aware of the empty space next to him. Likewise when Louise had exchanged her marriage vows with Simon she had expected he would be the only man she would share a bed with from now onwards, so a new man in her bed was different for her too.

During the evening, Paul and Louise did not have sex, but kissed and caressed each other, Paul's arousal evident to Louise as their bodies touched. Likewise, Louise could feel her own arousal in her private feminine area between her legs and covered by her panties, but obviously being female this was not evident to Paul.

Falling asleep in each other's arms, Paul and Louise awoke the next morning with Paul's excitement still evident, and each knew what was going to happen next. While Louise went into the bathroom to freshen up, Paul sat up in bed, breathing hard, listening to the rain outside.

He could remember the date he last made love, and this was the morning of Monday, September 10 2001, when he and Jane had awoken early and decided that some fun before getting ready for work was in order, neither of them having any idea that this would obviously be the last time they had sex. Paul reminded himself to concentrate on the present and not think of the past, but he found this was easier said than done.

Hearing Louise flush the toilet and wash her hands, as she emerged from the bathroom Paul's imagination carried him back to his life all those years ago and his imagination saw Jane's petite figure emerge from their bathroom having flushed the toilet and washed her hands, before walking towards him on her bare feet, wearing an over-sized tee-shirt over panties.

It was the most minor detail that Louise was wearing an over-sized button-up shirt over her panties, rather than a tee-shirt that brought Paul back to the present as the tall, barefoot redhead walked towards him.

Climbing onto the bed beside him, he and Louise kissed, Paul again having to banish Jane and his feelings of disloyalty from his imagination as they did so. "Are you sure you're ready for this?" Louise asked, to which Paul nodded wordlessly.

Paul's memories played havoc with his mind and making love to Louise was a highly emotive experience for him. When Louise removed her shirt to expose her large breasts and fair skin of her body, before straddling him bare-breasted wearing only her panties, the memory of Jane's somewhat smaller breasts and her more tanned complexion entered his mind. Paul was unable to prevent himself comparing the two women's panties, both wearing white cotton, floral print bikini-brief style panties. Again, it was a minor detail -- Louise's knickers had violets on them, Jane's knickers on that fateful morning had pink roses that helped Paul concentrate on the here and now.

As Louise removed Paul's boxer shorts to expose his erection, her mind was racing with her own emotions. Again, when she had married Simon she thought that the man who would father their two sons would be the only man she made love to for the rest of her life. Obviously her emotion was not as great as Paul's given Simon and she had divorced and Paul's beloved fiancé Jane was no longer alive, but still it was a different experience for her.

Taking the elastic waistband of Louise's knickers in his hands and gently pulling them down, Paul could not stop staring at the triangle of red pubic hair that grew in considerable quantities over her pubic mound, and the firm flesh of the cheeks of her bare bottom at the back. Paul had only seen one woman naked before in person, and Jane's abundant pubic hair was obviously dark brown like the color of the hair on her head. Louise's bottom was peach shaped, while Jane's bare bottom while very cute was flatter in shape than Louise's buttocks. Pulling Louise's knickers off over her bare feet, Paul's finger brushed her panty saddle and he could feel the dampness on the cotton that indicated her feminine arousal.

Again, having only engaged in sexual activity with one other woman in his life before, Paul felt nervous and guilty during foreplay about caressing Louise's bare breasts, running his fingers through her curls of red pubic hair and fondling the cheeks of her bottom. While it was pleasurable for Paul as Louise caressed his erection, masturbating him with firm strokes while her other hand teased his testicles, it still felt strange somebody else other than Jane doing this to him. And while Louise enjoyed Paul's touch to her most private areas while she gave him manual relief, again she had to adjust her thinking having only masturbated Simon and allowed him to touch her intimately during their married years.

Paul and Louise experienced the same emotions when she unwrapped a condom and rolled it onto his penis, before lying flat on her back, opening her legs for the missionary position.

Looking at Louise's vagina between her parted legs, Paul again was unable to prevent comparisons having only seen Jane's vagina before. Louise's dark pink vagina was quite long with very slim lips, while Jane's light pink, oval-shaped vagina was shorter. Jane's anus had also been closer to her vagina, while there was a greater area of sensitive skin between Louise's anus and her vulva.

Climbing on top of Louise, again pushing comparisons with Jane from his mind as best he could, Paul inserted his condom-covered penis into Louise's vagina, Louise gasping and squirming as he entered her. With Paul's blonde pubic hair and Louise's red pubic hair intertwining, they made love slowly and passionately, both trying their very best to concentrate on the present, and not think about sex with their former partners in the past.

Paul's task was made somewhat more difficult by the fact that the soft, delicate, feminine smell from Louise's pussy was the exact same scent that came from Jane's pussy when they made love, but the excitement of making love to this beautiful redhead helped. Paul's orgasm approached and his ejaculation was captured in the condom, Louise reaching her own orgasm a few seconds later with waves of delight that flowed from her clitoris to her vagina and through into her anus and rectum, Paul unable to stop himself noticing that the toes on Louise's bare feet clenched tightly when she reached her climax. When he had made love to Jane, her toes always clenched and unclenched in the same way when she reached her orgasm.

A shower after sex was always a must for Paul and Jane, and likewise for Louise and Simon when they were married, so it was understandable that Paul and Louise would make for the shower having made love. Again, showering with somebody different was a little strange for both of them but they soon enjoyed themselves under the warm droplets of water, Paul's excitement becoming evident again as he washed Louise's vagina with plenty of soap and warm water.

Enjoying breakfast together afterwards, Paul and Louise each knew that the other had found this session of love-making while in most aspects enjoyable, extremely emotional for both of them given their pasts. There seemed no good discussing this openly, each knew that each time they made love it would be easier from now on, confirmed later on that afternoon when Paul and Louise's desires overcame them, and they had sex for the second time.

*

It was in the early spring, a fine and sunny September Saturday when Paul finally said the three magic words 'I love you,' to Louise, words he had never dreamed he would say to anybody other than Jane. He had worried what her reaction would be, to his relief a big smile had filled her pretty face and she had said in response, 'I love you too.' Like with Paul Louise previously thinking she would never say this to anybody other than her husband, but hearing these words and saying them back was such a wonderful feeling, like she was floating on a cloud.

This weekend was a weekend when Louise had her sons, and on the Sunday the quartet set out for the Adelaide markets in the city for lunch, then onto one of Adelaide's many pretty parklands on the southern edge of the CBD. This was of relief to Paul's cat Missy who could sleep all she wanted back at home, with the aging cat not really that keen on Louise's sons trying to play games with her when they visited.