Lemons or Lemonade?

My brother was sitting at the table with me when I made the call and when I hung up. He climbed on my case pretty good about my spiteful treatment of Mr. Bailey. I tried to defend my position but he reminded me that no matter how they had acted in the past that they were still Beth's parents.

A thousand things were done, all the arrangements made, and the day of the funeral arrived. We had a closed casket at the "viewing" in the funeral home and at the funeral service. The closed casket was a necessity because of the damage inflicted on Beth. In addition I didn't want Alyssa to see her mommy lying in the casket, still and lifeless.

Beth's parents came to the funeral and I finally met them for the first time. At best I was polite to them. I introduced them to Alyssa and let them have a little time alone with her. In spite of how I felt about them, I knew that they were hurting and would always regret their lack of attention to Beth and Alyssa.

Thomas stayed for two days after the funeral and then had to get back home. Their children were staying with a neighbor and the farm needed attention. Julie remained with Alyssa and me to help with the transition to our new life. Again, I don't know how I would have managed without their help.

For two weeks Julie and I interviewed candidates for a combination nanny/housekeeper/cook; in other words a wife but without emotional attachment or the sex. I planned to go back to work and Julie promised to stay for a while longer, but she was anxious to get back home to her own children and husband.

I had been in my office for about three hours when I received a call from a concerned Julie. Alyssa had been asleep when I left for work and when she woke up and found me gone she began to cry.

Julie tried to calm her and explain that I would be home after work but Alyssa continued to be upset. She sat in a corner of her room with tears running down her cheeks saying "Where's my Daddy? I want my Daddy" over and over as she rocked back and forth. Nothing Julie said could calm her down.

I left work and came home immediately, probably driving faster than I should have. When I got home, Alyssa heard me talking to Julie and came running out of her room and into my arms.

"Daddy you came back. Don't leave me again, please Daddy. I'll be a good girl, I promise," Alyssa said as she was crying and hugging me.

I held her on my lap and she stopped crying after a few minutes. The whole time that I held her I kept telling her that I would always come for her and that she was a good girl and that I loved her more than anything. I was having a little trouble talking plainly because I was almost crying too.

Alyssa wouldn't let me out of her sight for the rest of the day. I can do a lot of my work from home and I went into my den to work on the computer; Alyssa followed me and sat in a chair and watched me. I tried to get her to go play in her room but she said she didn't want me to leave again.

I explained to her that I had to go to work the next day but that I would be home that afternoon. I didn't think at three and half Alyssa understood work but I tried to impress on her that I would always come home at the end of the day. That evening between Julie and I, we got Alyssa fed, bathed and put to bed. I had to sit on the bed with her until she fell asleep.

"I think you're going to have the same problem tomorrow Ray," Julie said.

"Maybe I should wait until she gets up before I leave for work. You know, to say good bye. Maybe that way it won't seem like I'm running off." I was grasping at straws here.

The next morning I waited for an hour until Alyssa woke up. I hugged her and kissed her and told her not to worry that I would be back later. She looked very sad as I left but at least she wasn't crying.

Two hours later I checked in with Julie to see how Alyssa was doing. Julie told me that Alyssa was sitting at the window and when asked what she was doing, Alyssa said she was waiting for her Daddy to come home. No amount of coaxing could get her to move away from the window. Alyssa wasn't crying but she wasn't behaving like a normal little girl.

The rest of the week was the same thing. Alyssa wasn't crying but all she would do was sit at the window waiting for me. Once I got home she wouldn't let me out of her sight.

I talked to Alyssa's doctor and explained what was happening. He said that Alyssa was too young to understand death and that all she knew was that her mother had left her and she was afraid that her father would leave her too.

Nothing changed for the next week. Alyssa just wasn't behaving like a normal little girl. This can't go on, I thought. I had to find some way to make Alyssa's life better and I did. If she had a problem with me going to work, then I would work at home. But I couldn't do it without help.

I talked to Thomas and Julie, outlining my idea and they not only agreed but they thought it was a great solution. Being an I T manager I could work anywhere that I had access to a computer and a high speed internet connection. I needed help with the house and tending to Alyssa while I was working so the solution was for Alyssa and me to move to the farm.

Thomas and Julie's son Brian was eight and her daughter Sally was 6 and both were in school. Julie was extremely happy because she would have a little one to take care of again. It was a win-win scenario. The farm house was very large and there was even a carriage house that had been turned into an apartment.

One other factor that helped my decision was the two insurance policies that paid out upon Beth's death. In addition, there was a very substantial settlement from the insurance company of the drunk driver that killer her.

I would be living almost expense free with no housing cost. My only living expenses would be my share of the utilities and food. This gave me the option of not working at all for several years if I chose to.

*****************

The move to the farm was made and after a short adjustment period things settled down. The farm house was huge with a master bedroom suite at each end of the house. Between the two master suites were the other bedrooms. I moved into one of the suites and Alyssa's room was next to mine.

I was able to do almost all of my work from my computer set up at the farm. Alyssa improved immediately. Daddy was in her sight the entire day and she was happy. Brian and Sally were good for her too. Sally said she had always wanted a little sister was especially good with Alyssa.

After two weeks, Alyssa stopped following me around the house. She knew that I wouldn't leave her and that she didn't have to keep me in sight every minute. Every night I would tuck her into her bed and tell her I loved her and every night Alyssa would reply "I love you more, Daddy."

We had been living at the farm for four months when I had to make a trip into the main office in the city and I planned to take Alyssa with me. When I told Alyssa that we would have to go to the city the next day and stay overnight, she asked me if she could stay at home and play with Sally and Brian.

I had tears in my eyes as I told her she could stay at the farm. My little girl was no longer haunted with the thought than I would leave her.

*****************

After Alyssa "recovered" I made monthly trips into the city and was able to extend them to include a weekend away. This gave me a chance to attend to my needs; in other words I got laid. I had two or three women friends that I saw on a regular basis; friends with benefits I think you call it. All I know is that we enjoyed our time together and they would send me home happy and worn out.

There were a couple of women in the small town where we lived that I would take to barn dances, church socials, and out to dinner once in a while. Again, I wasn't looking for a relationship; I just wanted a little companionship. I wasn't ready nor was I looking for anything more than a friend and a little companionship. Beth still had my heart even though she was gone.

Alyssa and I fit in very well at the farm. Since Alyssa had been "cured" of her fear of me leaving, I was able to put in an office in the carriage house. There I was able to concentrate better and get more work done in a shorter period of time. About once every two hours I would take a break to check on Alyssa.

When Alyssa started school, I was the one that was affected by her absence. Julie kidded me about my reaction to Alyssa being gone all day. It was sort of funny, now I was the one that would watch the clock and look out the window waiting for the school bus.

When Alyssa was eight we went to a county fair and she fell in love with the show horses and the pony ride. She asked me if she could have a horse for her birthday and after I checked with Thomas I bought her one.

Alyssa's gift led to two more horses being bought for Brian and Sally as early Christmas presents because Alyssa wanted them to be able to ride with her. It was a small price to pay to make my baby happy. This is just one example of the way I spoiled her. It was a good thing that she took after her mother because she never turned into a brat.

There are many other trials, tribulations, and stories I could tell about Alyssa growing up. One trial was the talks about her becoming a woman, training bras, and sex in general. These were things that I couldn't bring myself to talk about; thank God for Julie. She took over and did a much better job than I could have.

*****************

Alyssa was 16 and the first young man that came to pick up Alyssa for a date would have been subjected to a long and stern lecture if Julie hadn't pulled me aside and warned me to behave. I limited my comments to saying hello to him and telling him what time I expected him to bring Alyssa home. Of course I waited up for her.

"Did you have a good time honey?" I asked hoping that she hadn't.

"I really did Daddy. The decorations at the school were very nice and I enjoyed the music and dancing."

"Will you go out with Jim again?"

"Maybe, but we're just friends Daddy. He's in love with Marcie but she went to the dance with another boy." Alyssa had no idea how glad I was to hear that.

I knew the time was coming that Alyssa would met that "special" young man and I would be alone. It made me sad to think of not seeing her everyday but I was also very proud of how we had overcome a tragedy.

******************

I was asked to help chaperone one of the dances at the high school and I accepted; Alyssa at 18 didn't seem to mind that her daddy would be there. That night I met one of Alyssa's teachers, Samantha Cassidy while I was checking out the secluded corners of the hall; the students use these spots to get together away from scrutiny. Samantha was another one of the watch dogs for the dance and helped me do the spy work.

We spent most of the evening talking and I learned that she was 37, a widow, taught fifth grade, and ran her own small accounting firm. Her husband had developed a very aggressive type of cancer and died in a few months and Samantha had been by herself for about ten years. She already knew my story; the gossip mill in the small town made sure of that.

For the first time in the fifteen years since Beth's death I became romantically interested in a woman. Samantha was lovely and almost the exact opposite of Beth. Sam was slender, with auburn hair, green eyes and was only about 5 feet 6.

I was lonely, in spite of our extended family at the farm. It had been a full time job raising Alyssa to this point and I guess that I felt it was okay to tend to my needs now, maybe just a little.

Sam and I began dating and quickly became an item of gossip in the small town. After two or three months the talk revolved around the fact that I was staying late at Sam's or that she was came out to the farm for the whole weekend.

We tried to control our baser nature but it was a lost cause after the third date. Sam was inventive, infectious, and uninhibited in bed. Even having been married and a bit of a player in my early years, Sam taught me a few things. I was very glad that she did and certainly enjoyed myself.

Alyssa came to me one evening and asked if Sam and I were going to get married. "You guys have been going out for almost a year," she said. "Don't you think you should get on the stick Dad?"

Imagine my little girl that I have loved, taken care of, and protected for her whole life was worried about me.

"I don't know baby girl. Sam and I are just enjoying ourselves and haven't talked about marriage or anything."

"Well you better make up your mind Dad. I heard that Mr. Taylor, the principal, is trying to get her to go out with him. Don't lose out here Mister, I like Sam a lot," Alyssa advised me. "Remember, I'm going to graduate in three months and then I'm going off to college and I won't be here to take care of you."

Sam came out to the farm the next weekend and Saturday evening after everyone but us had gone to bed, we were sitting around a small campfire looking at the stars and enjoying the early spring like weather. I put my jacket around her shoulders and tried to pull her next to me.

"Ray, we need to talk," she said. Those four words seldom bring anything good. Every boyfriend, fiancée, or married man dreads those four words.

"Okay Sam. About what?" I answered cautiously.

"Where do you see us going from here? Before you answer let me tell you that I'm not trying to pressure you or push you into anything. I know you still miss Beth but I would just like a clarification of our relationship. Are we friends with benefits or lovers or what?" All of this was said with a gentle tone.

"Sam, until just this minute I never thought about it. I was enjoying out time together and never thought beyond the next time we would be together. But first Alyssa and now you made me realize something very important." I took Sam's hands and looked directly at her.

"Alyssa told me Taylor at school was making a run at you and I have to admit, I don't like it. When I think about having to share you or maybe losing you I almost get sick. I never thought I could love another woman after Beth, until now. When I get up in the morning my first thought is, will I get to see Sam today." Sam wiped a tear from the corner of her eye.

What I'm trying to say is that I love you. What I'm trying to say is "will you marry me Sam?"

When Sam smiles she lights up a room; her smile this time could have lit up downtown Chicago. "I was hoping that's where you want our relationship to go. Yes, I will marry you." Sam grabbed me and we held each other.

"I wasn't smart enough to have a ring for you so we'll have to get you one a.s.a.p. Maybe we could go to the city tomorrow and find one. I want to put my brand on you so Taylor will see that you are off limits," I said, only half joking.

We went into the house and told the whole family that we were engaged. Brian and Sally cheered, I was kissed by Julie, pounded on the back by Thomas, but most importantly I was hugged by Alyssa. She hugged me with a big smile and then hugged Sam just as hard. I know she approved of my choice.

Sam and I decided on a long engagement. Now that we knew where we were going we didn't feel that the length of the journey was important. Nothing really changed; we either slept at Sam's place in town or out at the farm. The only real difference was that Taylor didn't ask Sam out anymore.

Three months later the whole family: Thomas, Julie, Sally, and of course Sam and I sat in the front row as Alyssa graduated from high school Brian was in the Marines stationed overseas and couldn't get home. He had sent his congratulations and best wishes via an internet picture and phone hook up.

It was a bitter sweet time for me. I was proud of Alyssa, her accomplishments, and the way that she had overcome the loss of her mother. But I couldn't help thinking that she would be leaving me soon. I hoped that I wouldn't sit at the window waiting for her the way she had waited for me when she was little. Sam would help me get through the rough parts.

************************

Great news; Alyssa is coming home from college to visit. She is a sophomore and is going to major in education. Alyssa said that one of the things that helped her deal with losing her mother was the kindness and dedication of her teachers; including Sam. She said she wanted to make the same type of positive difference in children's lives. My little girl is something, isn't she?

I knew from her emails and phone calls that this was more than just a visit to see her family. There was something on her mind. Whatever the excuse I would be happy to see my little one. It was sort of ironic, now I was the one sitting at the window waiting for my Alyssa.

Alyssa arrived in a whirlwind, just like when she was small. She was more graceful now but still all arms and legs and excitement. It was several minutes of hugging and kissing before I realized that there was a young man standing back watching the homecoming.

Finally, Alyssa led me over to the young man and said, "Daddy I want to introduce you to John Stewart. I guess he's sort of my boyfriend. John, this is my father, Ray Kelly."

I was polite and greeted him warmly, but my heart sank. The tone of Alyssa's emails and calls was no longer a mystery; John was the reason. I was about to lose my little girl. It was bound to happen, she was a special person and some young man, in this case John, would realize it.

After the hubbub of their arrival died down and Alyssa brought us up to date on her studies, life at school, and we got to know a little more about John. I stepped outside to smoke the one cigar a day that I allowed myself. Beth hadn't liked my smoking so I quit except for that one cigar. Sam concurred with Beth's judgment.

It was very dark on the patio with very little light escaping from the house and I didn't see John come out to join me until he held out a light for my cigar. I got the cigar going and thanked him.

"Mr. Kelly, may I talk to you for a minute sir?" John was obviously nervous about something. I nodded for him to go on.

"Sir, I love Alyssa and she loves me." Again I nodded at him. I want your permission to marry Alyssa. My family owns a few electronic stores that specialize in computers and I'm going to work in the family business after graduation." John stopped for a few seconds and seemed to gather himself to continue.

"I'll graduate in the spring and we hoped to be married immediately. My job will start right after the wedding and Alyssa can continue her schooling. We won't be rich but I can provide for her Mr. Kelly." He stopped and waited for my answer.

"Are you sure you two are ready for this type of commitment? How long have you known each other?"

"We met about half way through Alyssa's freshmen year and have been seeing each other since then. Alyssa and I talked about getting married but I wanted to talk to you first Mr. Kelly?"

This is a nice young man, I thought as I stared at John. I'm sure my stare and silence made him even more nervous than before. It took a lot of courage to approach me and showed a respect for traditional values. I motioned for John to follow me and went back into the house. Everyone was in the family room and looked up as John and I came into the room.

"Alyssa, John has just asked me for permission to marry you." Her face turned a little red as she blushed and the rest of the group was very surprised. "Do you love him and do you want to marry him?"

"Oh yes I do. Please give us your blessing, Daddy!"

**************************

I know I've left out a lot of events in Alyssa's life as she grew up.

For instance when she was 7 and I found her skinny dipping in the creek than ran through one part of the farm. Alyssa, Sally, Brian, and three or four of the farm hand's kids were naked and playing in the water. It wasn't anything like "you show me yours and I'll show you mine"; the kids had been picking blackberries, got hot and sticky, and decided to cool off.