Life Less Lived Ch. 10

"I'll be going at an average 55 in my old car, Daniel, so you drive on ahead and get the kettle on," Giles said cheerfully.

So Daniel set out on Christmas Day late afternoon onto near-deserted North London streets.

"We did a similar exercise last Christmas," he said to Marina once they got under way, "although both Ginny and Giles had to work all Christmas Day, so we actually ate our Christmas Dinner on Boxing Day. This worked out well as they had the week after Christmas off, like this year. We had quite a pleasant time of it, considering that it was our first Christmas we had to get through without their mother."

"Did Penny, during her illness, ever bring up the subject about what you should do after she was gone? I mean, did she push you towards her best friend Lady Barbara?"

"Penny and Barbara were always thick as thieves but no, she didn't do any pushing in that direction, not that I recall anyway. It seems strange but I never thought of her like that, she was 'Auntie Barbara' to the girls for so long, that I thought of her more as Penny's older sister."

"Poor Barbara."

"Not so poor, she's back with Phil."

"On the rebound?"

"No, well, not from me anyway. She sent me a text yesterday about getting out of the cottage in the next day or so, which will make it available to let. Apparently Phil had organised the snow ploughing that cleared our lane, so that she could get out and accompany him to the company Christmas Ball. She tells me that she would be collecting her stuff from the cottage in a day or two, a week at the most, and moving back in with Sir Philip."

"I'm pleased for her. A marriage that ends in divorce because the love has gone seems so much worse than like yours where you and Penny loved each other without end. Although you have your loss to contend with, at least you know your love goes on beyond, if you believe that love continues after living."

Daniel reached across and squeezed her hand briefly before returning his hand to the wheel, negotiating empty London streets.

"I do." He paused, then, "She knew all about you, you know."

"Really? How much did she know about me?"

"She knew your name, at least your first name Marina. I don't think I mentioned your surname, and not even sure if I remembered it. But I did tell her that I fell in love with you and then missed you, when we got around to talking about our previous boyfriends, girlfriends, lovers, etc. You know."

She laughed. "No. Actually, I don't know. Although technically I have given birth to a child and was acting as a mother to my brothers and sisters, emotionally and from the standpoint of sexual experience, I am still like a virgin. So, it looks like you are going to have to tell all to me, too, only without you being able to hear any embarrassing reciprocal episodes from me. Other than..."

"Other than?"

"Well, there was this cute boy at work who I fancied like made but thought had done me wrong, so I ran away from him."

"Ouch, that one! So, what shall I tell you? What do you want to know?"

"Everything, I want all the sordid details. Now," she giggled, "shall I prepare to be shocked?"

"Depends on how easily you are shocked, my love."

"Right as this moment, sweetheart, I am so deliriously happy that I think I have a pretty high tolerance level to shock. I am certain that will fade very quickly as my jealousy gene kicks in. Let's start with recent romances, anything since Penny died?"

"No, Marina, just you. And while we are in this confession stage, I was never unfaithful to Penny either during our courtship or throughout our marriage, nor even through her illness."

"Ever tempted?"

"No, never. I was propositioned a few times, though. Brussels, well, that place was an eye opener during my first few weeks there. But you harden up and mostly avoid the pitfalls of embarrassing situations."

"There were temptations set in front of you, then?"

"Yes, afraid so. I wasn't prepared to give in to them, but there were lots of colleagues who were. I think some people working there, being away from home for so long and so often, thought it was like Las Vegas, a case of 'what happens in Brussels or Frankfurt, remains there'. I don't ever want to work there again, because even working in that environment puts a strain on any marriage, even the strongest ones."

"Did you find it put a strain on yours?"

"A little, maybe, but in essence, I really don't believe so. We never discussed it, as Penny was always a hundred percent supportive of my political career. I don't think me being away for four or five days at a time during the week affected her so much because Penny was so busy with her own work, heading up her cancer unit."

"She was a saint, you must be so proud of her."

"I was, I still am proud of her achievements. She worked her schedules so she only worked the odd weekend that I had to work, and she did her fair share of night shifts during the week, to keep the weekends free as family time."

"What about the girls?"

"Mavis would come up and stay in the guest room, when both Jenny and I were away. Once or twice the farm managers we had before the Hammonds, Tom and Jackie Bridger, who shared the other half of the house, helped out if Penny got an emergency call out for surgery during the night."

"I read bits of your book and I loved your presentation in the village hall. She was so dedicated to that cancer unit."

"Yes, she was. Surgery was something she had to focus on entirely while she was working, Monday to Friday. That total dedication came through in her notes and diaries. When we were home at weekends, though, it was all about us and the girls."

"So what about your girlfriends pre-Penny?"

"Not much to say, really, I dated maybe a dozen girls, mostly single dates, nothing really serious, until I met you. That's why I was so confused, because until then relationships were, well, casual and meaningless. I never missed anyone like I missed you during those few weeks and then the months after. It was very frustrating not knowing where you were and I didn't feel like dating."

"Sorry sweetheart, I didn't know how you felt."

"And I didn't know what you were going through."

"All under the bridge now. So, this is the sixty-four thousand euro question, who popped your cherry?"

"Oh my God! It was Gwen ... Gwen Gladstone. Gosh, I've not thought of her for a long while!"

"Tell me more!" Marina giggled, "how old were you then?"

"I was 16."

"Snap!"

They both laughed.

"That," Marina said, "is the first time, that I have been able to laugh at what happened to me. After over thirty years plus. I must be on the mend, you are a miracle."

"No, you were the miracle, seeing you at the village hall with Elsie. I couldn't believe it was you, but at the same time I was confused because you said you didn't know me."

"I'm sorry, Daniel. I have a confession to make to you. I'm not sure how you will take this, but I have to tell you anyway, especially as we are confessing all to each other."

"Now you have me intrigued. Is this going to be so devastating a confession that I need to pull off the motorway?"

"No, better that your hands are occupied with the wheel, you might want to throttle me otherwise."

"Now you do have me worried, Marina! No matter what, I could never be angry with you, and certainly never direct any violence towards you, either physically or mentally."

"I know that... Daniel, so here goes." She took a deep breath. "When I saw you on the television a week ago, I was suddenly catapulted back to those days in 1988, and my time in hospital the following year when baby Daniel died."

"I'm sorry you had to face that, alone, sweetheart. Now, whenever we are in situations where you feel upset, like when our grandchildren are born, I will be there with you, reassuring you that you are not alone."

"I know darling, I know. And I wasn't alone when I saw you again, I had Tracey with me. I think I was inflicted with momentary madness. I had convinced myself that you raped me -"

"Darling!"

"I know, but I had nothing else to go on."

"Of course you didn't and it was only natural. You were angry and you wanted revenge, didn't you?"

"Yes. I was hoping to sneak into that village hall and either stab you with a kitchen knife I had in my bag, or at the very least find out how vulnerable you were, so I could plan on... Sweetheart, I was prepared to murder you."

"But you didn't."

"No. No, I didn't, I couldn't."

"You are not a murderer, Marina my dearest love, you are the most caring of women. But I know you have determination and unshakeable resolve. So, do tell me why I am still breathing?"

Marina looked at him, he was smiling, looking ahead at the road.

"I realised that as soon as I saw you in the flesh, and we started speaking again, that I was still deeply in love with you."

"So your journey to Lindon was going to be a one-way trip? Revenge first and then give yourself up? Or, my darling, did you hope to get away with the 'deadly deed'?"

"Yes, to either, I wasn't sure or cared too much about my fate. I told you that night that I didn't really think my journey out very well."

"No, but I'm glad you came, whatever your motive, otherwise we wouldn't be in the happy situation we are in now."

"So you are not upset? Not worried that you are with a mad old lady prepared to go to any length in grief for my poor child?"

"No, my dear. I feel passionate all the time too, defending what I believe in. You are a passionate and compassionate woman, Marina, therefore I admire and love you for who you are."

"Then you are a saint, Daniel... I er didn't read the message you wrote in your book, Tracey only told me about it this morning."

"Ah, embarrassing for you? I wrote it for you to see, not Tracey."

"No, not embarrassed, it was lovely. Tracey thought it was lovely too, and said I couldn't have it back, a gift is a gift."

"Quite right," he smiled, "one should never look a gift in the mouth, especially when fate intervenes and gives the perfect gift twice."

Marina was able to smile too, comfortable with this man she loved. She still had to speak to him of Sophie, of course, but not yet. While he was driving was certainly not the time. Now, she thought, where were we?

"So where were we, in your confessional?" she asked, "Gwen, wasn't she?"

"Ah, Gwen. I thought you had forgotten about Gwen."

"No chance. You haven't, evidently."

"Ha! OK, then. She was a friend of one of my cousins. We had a family outing, some trip to a stately home with extensive grounds somewhere, for a summer picnic. None of the teenagers really wanted to go but it was a case of family duty. My cousin, Melissa, who was a couple of years older than me, decided to bring a friend along for company. We all went off together, a whole bunch of us. There were woods and hills, some wild and overgrown areas, great for exploring and tree climbing. Once we got there, we enjoyed ourselves. This Gwen seemed to latch onto me for some reason and, after a while, suggested we sneak off from the others and make out."

"An offer you couldn't refuse?"

"Ha! Ha! Obviously not. I didn't have a steady girlfriend then, blimey, I think I was still at school! I wasn't a complete innocent, though, I had done a little bit of light petting before but never gone all the way. Nowhere near all the way. And kissing and petting was what I assumed I was in for."

"So you went willing?"

"You bet I did!" Daniel laughed, "I was a teenager that was full of raging hormones and Gwen, well she looked damned attractive in her light summer dress."

"And?"

"Alright, sweetheart, you asked for it. We found a quiet spot in the woods and we kissed, with her leaning up against a tree. Then her hands started to stray and this was completely new territory for me. Previously it had always been me with wandering hands and being slapped away."

"So where did her hands stray, exactly?"

"Well, they certainly didn't mess about. I was gently squeezing her breasts through her dress while we French kissed, and I was used to girls stroking my back but completely unprepared for her squeezing my butt in return, so -"

"Well it is a squeezable butt, sweetheart."

"Oh, you noticed?"

"Of course I did, then and now."

"Well that's nice to know, darling, I think you're pretty gorgeous, too."

"So, Gwen...?"

"Well, she squeezed my bum for only about the first ten seconds, before she went for gold, which was a hell of a shock."

"Gold? Assuming your butt was the bronze, I wonder what was silver?"

"No silver, wrong analogy. More like an archery target, with my buttocks the outer ring, she went straight for the gold bull!"

"Ha! Ha! I like Gwen. If only I had been more ... bold."

"Mmm, 'bold for gold', huh?"

"I was far too shy though."

"You were. I think our romance was more cerebral that purely contact."

"So, how pure was Gwen's contact, honey?"

"I was only wearing a tee shirt and shorts, as it was a hot summer day and they had lakes that you could unofficially take a dip in to cool off. They were the sort of shorts that you could swim in but were quite loose and voluminous, which was handy because part of my body was soon reacting rather violently from Gwen's stimulation. The shorts had a string netting lining inside, so I had no underpants on. She pulled the bow on the string holding them up and pulled them down and went straight for my erect penis. She dropped down onto her knees and I experienced fellatio for the first time."

"So rather more than one 'first', that afternoon, then?"

"Yes, that was a hell of a first. I was, shall we say, excited -"

"I can imagine!"

"Well, as you probably also imagine, I didn't last very long. I was embarrassed by my lack of performance time but she wasn't fazed one little bit. She was clearly quite experienced and matter-of-fact about it all, saying something like 'that's got that one out of the way'. Gosh, this is sounding like the commentary to a porno!"

"Well, I'll concede that to you, never having seen one."

"Well, I have seen a few. At stag nights, men only, although at that time I had only seen a couple of very poor quality ones at my rugby club."

"When you were only 16?"

"I was big for my age and quick on my feet, so I played for one of the senior Under 18s sides while I was still only 15 and I guess they soon took me fully under their wing. Probably forgot I was so young, I had swiftly become one of the lads. Anyway, Gwen got me to take off my shirt, which she spread out and sat down on. Then she got me to practice cunnilingus on her. I had never even felt a vagina before let alone seen one, but she sensed my inexperience and directed me through the whole process -"

"Process, that sounds clinical, dear."

"You know, it really was just a clinical process. There was no love or emotion involved, other than natural excitement. She was quite quiet but precise in her instructions, it was just 'do this, now do that, do this again and that', and I was directed through the whole thing, including the part where I lost my virginity."

"Was she on the pill?"

"Probably, she didn't say, just asked me if I had a condom."

"And you did?"

Daniel laughed, taking one hand off the wheel, to wipe his eye, which was weeping from laughing.

"We all did, us kids. We'd only have the one, just in case, you never knew what the chances were. Sometimes they were carried for years. I carried my first few often for months at a time in my teens, the wrapper often so worn you couldn't even see the make let alone the expiry date. But it worked. So that was that. I never saw Gwen again after that."

"But you remembered her name, though. And you forgot mine." She punched him gently on the arm.

"Sweetheart. I am not sure I ever knew your second name. In the hotel we were just Daniel and Marina."

"I didn't remember your surname either, Daniel. I just noticed your face on the TV and immediately knew it was you."

"Same for me in the village hall, even though you tried your best to throw me off and into utter confusion. I was certain I knew you were you, and you almost put me off my talk. I couldn't understand why you denied knowing me."

"Now you know the reason why. I won't ever lie to you again, Daniel."

"I know... Why do I remember Gwen? Well, everyone remembers their first."

"Mmm, I'm sure I will."

"I will do my best to make it memorable, sweetheart."

"You might have to talk me through it though, like Gwen did."

"Oh, I think I can come up with a few ideas of my own, love, but I will certainly talk you through it, but not quite so clinically. And I'll want you to talk back to me and tell me what works for you, too. Anyway, why do I remember the lovely Gwen? Years later, my cousin, Melissa, the very same Melissa, married Gwen's brother Gordon, who she'd known for years. It was about a dozen years or so ago, and Gwen came up in the conversation. It was a Registry Office wedding, as Melissa and Gordon had both been married before, and it wasn't a very big do. Gwen had emigrated to New Zealand with her husband and couldn't come back for the wedding. So I remember Gwen's surname had been Gladstone because my cousin is now Melissa Gladstone."

"I will let you have that one then." she laughed, "I am only interested because I've really got no history at all."

"There is one way around that my love."

"There is indeed. And our own history in the making seems so much more interesting than past history."

"It is indeed my darling, it is indeed. So, am I let off the hook, regarding my past history?"

"Yes, Daniel, I think we can let it go. We'll be much better off making our own."

***

Lauren Taylor decided that enough was enough with the intrigues of WWAG and resolved that Christmas Day was the final straw and the last day that she would spend in Mark's flat.

She had decided to have it out with Mark during their alone time in the morning.

They had only small gifts to exchange. Lauren had already bought the aftershave and toiletries that she felt Mark had needed, long before she had taken the decision to leave him. She would go as soon as she had discovered their plans and notify the authorities at the first opportunity.

She took the chance to try one final attempt to dissuade him from the course of action he was taking in concert with his friends. But however much she tried to show that any action against one of the leading protestors, one who could and should be embraced as a valuable ally, was both madness and counter productive to the overall cause, Mark could not be persuaded. Even if the plotters managed to persuade the police that the arson incident was a clumsy attempt by the SandRock Corporation to use their staff members to put the fear of retribution into the opposition, Lauren was sure it would never work.

"You've seen the CSI programmes," she said, "the police will have recourse to all sorts of forensic testing. They will know that the SandRock's jackets are a fake plant and the identity cards that you are going to leave in the pocket have probably already been reported as stolen. I mean, the guys you are trying to frame may well have cast iron alibis, say holidaying abroad, or not even working for SandRock anymore. Or they could be completely innocent family men who will suffer if accused of such a crime."

They argued without resolving the issue and, when Lauren tried to leave with her shoppings bags of clothes and shoes, Mark forcibly restrained her.

Andy turned up at that point. Mark must've called him on his mobile, she surmised, while she was doing her final packing.

"You ain't goin' nowhere, sweetheart, an' you ain't tippin' no one off until after we gets the job done." Andy was adamant. "After that we'll let you go. If you go to the police then, we'll be covered. We've already got our alibis all sorted out, so goin' to the law's like only gonna make you look silly. Maybe, if you don't behave, we'll leave your handbag at the scene with your papers inside, how will that look, eh darlin', with you stuck here without any alibi of yer own?"