Light of Dawn Ch. 03

Dawn moved like a geriatric, hobbling to the toilet to empty her gut. She paid for the previous night's indiscretions over and over. Her first college party had been a disaster. Alcohol, fear and Liza Jenning's Sapphic advances had conspired to fog her normally sound judgment. Drunk out of her mind, Dawn had surrendered to Liza's touch. Worse than all that, she'd admitted her most terrible secret, the secret she'd harbored since puberty. She was no different than any other girl; she wanted Jeff.

She wanted her own brother and now he knew. Since high school she had been teased and taunted by her girlfriends about what they wanted to do with Jeff. Some even teased about what she wanted to do, brother or not.Who wouldn't want Jeff? While no one would confuse his lanky body for Michelangelo'sDavid, there was something undeniably sexy about confidence and Jeff had a surplus of confidence.

The nausea was compounded by a relentless throbbing in her head. It felt like a hot poker was wedged behind her eyes. She was incredibly sick for hours, tracing a path from the bed to the toilet and back. One trip she found the bathroom door locked. Swallowing the sick taste in her mouth, she waited as Jeff flushed and washed.

He emerged from the bathroom, grinning as he brushed the dark hair from his eyes. Jeff's smile was so wicked; it made the bile rise in her throat. She didn't make it to the toilet. Fortunately, it was the last time she would throw up so there wasn't much of a mess to clean.

Once her stomach settled she eased her way to the kitchen. Dawn wanted nothing to do with food but Daddy and Jeff would be down soon and breakfast was one of the many responsibilities she had taken upon herself as of late. She found a box of buttermilk waffles in the freezer and toasted them, two at a time. Jeff was the first to arrive in the kitchen. After sniffing the air he gave her another wicked smile.

He suffered no ill effects from the party nor from the alcohol he'd consumed; the fact that he devoured half a waffle in one bite testified to that. The party was a blur to Dawn. She remembered her date with Ronnie and that he'd abandoned her soon after their arrival. Whatever attraction the senior had had for her was dissolved the moment he found easier quarry. She remembered Jase Riley, the tall, untidy slacker whom she'd thought so sweet. He was anything but. The strange purple drink he'd given her had been laced with a drug that ravaged her body and wrecked her inhibitions. She remembered being naked with Liza and Jeff. The threesome never quite made it off the ground but the other woman had brought her to an orgasm. On top of all that, Dawn had glimpsed the holy grail of every horny girl on campus. She had seen Jeff Kramer naked.

She wondered if last night was on his mind at all. Had Daddy not been so swift to join them, she would have asked.

"I talked to the AD yesterday," Jeff said to no one and everyone. "The scouts have been telling him that I should get drafted in the third round, the second if I get lucky," he gave a wink that turned Dawn's stomach anew, "and I always get lucky." He sliced a triangle from the waffle on his plate and dipped it in maple syrup. "One pro contract will pay me more money than you'll make in your entire life." He may have been looking at her but the jab was directed at Daddy. Twenty-three years was long enough for Jeff to make bragging an art.

"Too bad the university won't let you major in Jeff Kramer," she said. "It's the only subject that seems to interest you." With each word the pain behind her eyes grew worse. She forked her own waffle, a black ringed thing that had spent too much time in the toaster.

"Too bad," he echoed. "I bet there'd be a ton of hot women inthat class."

Sex. It was the one and only activity he put ahead of football (that and self-admiration). Each week he had a new companion. Tall, short, blond, brunette, it didn't matter to Jeff as long as she was easy. Of course, to say his girlfriends were all sluts was not really accurate. Jeff was beautiful, in so far as it was possible for a man to be beautiful, and he had a way of charming females. Intelligent, otherwise mature females would turn into gooey little puddles to spend an evening on his arm. Considering all the women he'd been with, it's a miracle he hadn't caught some kind of penis rotting disease.

"What do you plan on doing with all of that wealth?" Daddy hid behind the folded façade of the morning paper.

"Buy a brand new house. Mansion, shack, it doesn't matter, as long as I get the hell away fromyou." Jeff chewed savagely and swallowed. "Then, I don't know... I'll probably spend the rest on women or myself." More than likely he would spend it on himself.

Daddy folded the paper. He shook his head, a sure sign that it was lecture time. "When I got my first contract from Minnesota I invested half the money with a brokerage firm. The interest is paying for your educations."

"This is paying for my education." Jeff lifted his left arm and peeled back the sleeve of his undershirt. He flexed an almost nonexistent bicep.

"You know what makes me sick, Jeff? Gifted kids like your sister are forced to pay their own way while brainless jocks get the free rides."

Jeff smirked. "Maybe if you had been a better baseball player you could have sent your little Sunshine to a better school." Dawn shrank in her seat. Why was she always dragged into their arguments?

"When I played ball there were only a few millionaires." She wished Daddy would shut up. Playing Jeff's game was a mistake. "I always made enough to provide for my family."

"Yes, and what luxurious surroundings you've provided." The house was old, and in a deteriorating part of town. "The wonderful shag carpet has fed generations of gypsy moths, the roof is the envy of Swiss cheese farmers, and the basement is perfumed by the lovely scent of backed up plumbing because your gifted little Sunshine flushed used tampons down the toilet when she was twelve."

Daddy took a sip of coffee and placed the mug back on the table. He tried to match Jeff's eerie calmness but it was impossible. "You think it's easy, Jeff? You think it's easy doing it all alone? Believe it or not, one of these days you're going to want a family of your own, a wife, kids. You have no idea how much I'm going to pity them." He gathered the paper and started reading again.

Jeff showed no overt signs of being upset but Dawn could feel his anger. It was an ugly, living thing.Let it go. Please Jeff, just let it go.

"Every waking hour I wish it had beenyou and not her."

Daddy crushed the paper in his fists. Dawn covered her gaping mouth; she had never seen him so upset. Daddy's eyes looked wild, like some kind of wounded animal's. He wanted to hurt Jeff, that was plain to see but there was something else, something undeniably sad. He rose from the chair and slammed the newspaper on top of the syrupy plate. "I wish," Daddy's eyes were hard but his voice was soft, "I wish it had been me too." Regardless of what either wished, it was Mom's place at the kitchen table that sat empty.

As Daddy tossed a few sticky pages in the trash, Jeff seemed to be on the verge of saying something.You really hurt Daddy. Apologize, you big dummy. It never occurred to her that the reason Jeff said such awful things because Daddy's words hurt just as much.

Daddy poured a cup of coffee and sat back down at the table. Dawn glanced at her own plate and felt her stomach gurgle. After three bites of waffle she felt ready to puke all over the breakfast table. Jeff was certainly suffering no ill consequences. He wolfed his own plate of toaster waffles then attacked the microwave sausages.

Perhaps it would take many more years to become as acclimated to college life as Jeff. "How do you do it?" she asked.

Jeff pulled the fork from between his lips and gave her a puzzled look. "I chew and then I swallow. It's actually quite easy. Let me show you." He reached his long arm across the kitchen table and speared Dawn's partially eaten waffle, stuffing the entire thing in his mouth.

"I know how to eat, dummy. I meant the party." Mentioning last night in front of their father turned Jeff's cheeks pink. "I've been half-dead all morning. How do you survive those insane parties every weekend?"

"It takes talent," he said. "You did alright for yourself. That guy you were with seemed pretty cool."

"Guy, what guy? Ronnie?" Daddy looked away from the salvaged remains of his paper for a moment.

"No, not Ronnie. Our slutty little Sunshine hooked up with another guy at the party. I didn't catch the name but he looked vaguely familiar."

Dawn was sure her face would give the secret away. In the light of day she couldn't believe what had almost happened. She had nearly given herself to Jeff, her body, her virginity, maybe even more. All because of a few too many drinks. Jeff was drunk too. She knew he was. She had smelled the stink on his breath. And his long legs, usually strong and sure, were weak and wobbly when he stripped.

"Don't talk about your sister that way."

"I was only kidding," Jeff said in that patronizing voice that suggested he wasn't. He looked at Dawn and smirked. "We both know how innocent and pure our little Sunshine is. She's the last person on earth who would ever let some strangeman into her panties."

Dawn squirmed in her chair as she remembered the feeling of another woman's tongue on her nether lips.

Jeff cleared his throat. "The school gave me two great tickets and field passes for the game this afternoon." He had talked about little more than the game against Northern Tech for days.

"I have to be in Minneapolis this afternoon." Daddy didn't even look up from his paper, he just rustled the pages and sipped his coffee.

Daddy had mentioned something about a team reunion up in Minneapolis, the twentieth anniversary of something or other but she had not thought much of it. He was always taking off for reunions and conventions; it was another source of income.

"The game is going to be on cable. I'll set the collegiate passing record before halftime." Jeff tried to explain but his father would not budge. "How is it going to look if you're not there?"

"It's going to look like I honor my commitments." Daddy's words stung Jeff hard, just as they were meant to.

"So you're going to humiliate me in front of the entire country because I quit your stupid baseball team." He stabbed the waffle with his fork. The same old argument was about to be replayed.

"It was your high school's baseball team." His father grunted to control his anger.

"That you just happened to manage; that you cajoled me into playing for. You've raised holy hell ever since I pulled out to concentrate on football, a move that worked out pretty well, by the way. It was five years ago. You can't let anything go. That's why you're a lonely, pathetic, miserable old man. Most fathers would be happy or, God forbid, even proud if their son accomplished a fraction of the things I have."

"Junior." Daddy's voice was quiet. "Iam proud."

This time it was Jeff whose eyes went wild. Few things could set Jeff's temper off, none quicker than a reminder that he was by law, Vincent Jeffrey Kramer Jr. "You're proud of your little angel over there." He wadded his napkin and pitched it at Dawn. "Proud of yourself. And why shouldn't you be proud? Vince Kramer the great ballplayer who spent eight years in the minor leagues. The one time you got called up to the big leagues there were too many injuries to send you back down; you rode the bench all the way to the World Series. Enjoy you're weekend in Minnesota, just remember this one little phrase, you're going to be hearing an awful lot of it:Vince who?" Jeff was proficient at pressing his father's buttons; he had just mashed his palm over all of them. "I'd call you a has been but face facts, you're a never was."

"Get the hell out of my kitchen." Daddy jerked out of his seat. "...if you want to remain in my home for much longer, I advise you to go up to your room and lock the Goddamned door."

"I have a game, asshole." Jeff abandoned the table and stormed outside.

Once Jeff was gone Daddy kicked the leg of the table with a great deal of force, toppling the half empty juice glass beside her plate. Orange liquid spilled everywhere; soaking her napkin and his paper it dribbled over the side of the table. "I'm sorry, Sunshine. I'm so sorry." Daddy rushed to the counter and tore a wad of paper towels from the roll. He dabbed at the juice for a moment then cringed and reached for his temples. "Another headache," he grunted. "Do we have any aspirin?" he asked.

The medicine cabinet had been neglected as of late. "Jeff keeps Tylenol in his room. I can get some."

"No! My flight doesn't leave until two. I think I'll just lie down for a while." He plodded away like a zombie, leaving Dawn to clean up the mess. She always cleaned up the messes--at least she tried to.

Dawn glanced at the scoreboard, thirty minutes until kickoff. She waded through a sea of humanity, flashing the field pass strung around her neck any time security regarded her with an inquisitive eye. Both teams were strewn across the field, contorting themselves with stretches and calisthenics. The Choteau Knights were adorned in their home colors: scarlet jerseys with pewter pants and helmets, while the Northern Tech Cowboys dressed all in white.

Jeff wasn't hard to find. She followed the trail of television and audio cables to the spot where he tossed guided missiles in the direction of his receivers. A halo of journalists and pro scouts looked on with interest. She had never seen so many cameras in one place; every one was trained on Jeff. She hoped they'd brought wide angled lenses, it was the only way his swelled head would ever fit into frame.

Phrases like "exceptional vision" and "outstanding arm-strength" were bandied about by the newspapermen as they scribbled into little notebooks. The pro scouts were a paranoid lot, all whispers and murmurs. They held most of their hushed conversations with cell phones and tape recorders, occasionally chatting with reporters and coaches but not with each other.

He put on an impressive show. One positive that could always be said of Jeff was that he never disappointed. The veins in his hand and wrist tightened as he squeezed the pimpled brown football. He cocked his arm and launched a tight spiral forty yards to a receiver.

Dawn watched her brother, not where she was going, and as a result bumped into a man holding a notepad. "Pardon me, Miss," he paused to read her pass. "Miss Kramer, hey you wouldn't be related---"

"Yes he's my brother." Her voice sounded no less mechanical than the whirring cameras focused on Jeff.

The reporter exhaled. "Look at all those cameras." She did. There had to be at least two dozen video cameras and twice as many still cameras. "It's not every day that someone breaks the passing record. Heck of an accomplishment. Has he been acting different lately?"Different? "Has he been more anxious than usual?"

She chuckled. The thought of her brother sweating or trembling or doing any of the things a normal human being would do under the same circumstances was silly. "Jeff doesn't get nervous about anything."

The man scribbled in his notepad. "Everyone gets nervous. Some are better at hiding it." The nattily dressed man tucked the disposable pen behind his ear. He watched Jeff make another perfect throw. The blue plastic pen stood out against the slicked back salt and pepper of his hair. "He really is spectacular. You must be proud. Your dad must be proud too."

What's not to be proud of, Dawn thought.

"I knew your father pretty well when I worked in St. Paul. He invited a bunch of us reporters and our families over for a barbecue every summer. Our boys used to play Ninja Turtles, and you, I don't even think you were born yet. Vinnie Kramer was a heck of a ballplayer, probably could have been better if he'd sacrificed more. He never went down south for winter ball and he wasn't the type who stayed in the gym night and day. Family always came first with Vinnie. You kids and your mom were more important to him than anything else.

"Too bad he only made the big league team that one year. He could have been something special." He gave Dawn a friendly pat on the shoulder. "Where is old Vinnie? I haven't seen the goat in ages."

Her chest ached. "He couldn't make it, other commitments."

"It's a shame he has to miss all the hoopla. Junior must be pretty disappointed without Dad around." She nodded. "Well, he still has you to cheer him on."

Dawn excused herself.

The cameramen, reporters and scouts scattered as Jeff's warm up came to an end. He grabbed a white towel and a bottle of Gatorade before retreating to one of Jackson Field's cavernous service tunnels. Sometimes, she almost felt sorry for him. He was under such constant pressure. A normal man would have buckled long ago but not Jeff; he was far from normal.Some are better at hiding it. She followed him into the tunnel.

The service tunnel was a dimly lit corridor packed with overstocked concessions. Pallets filled with enormous jars of hot dog condiments, envelopes of drink mixes and a mountain of prepackaged buns clogged the entrance but further back the way was clear. That's where Jeff had gone. Dawn called his name; her tiny voice bounced on the concrete walls.

Jeff almost dropped his Gatorade when he saw her. "Dawn?" He actually sounded glad to see her. "You came." No matter how conflicted she felt over the previous night, not being there for her big brother was never an option. He glanced behind her, waiting for a glimpse of Daddy that wouldn't come. She bit her lower lip until he got the message. "Just you, huh?"

"I found the tickets in the trash," she admitted. Jeff grumbled a few cusswords and slung his bottle hard against the concrete wall. It ricocheted, grazing the top of Dawn's head. Displays of emotion were an uncommon occurrence for Jeff. "Jesus, Jeff!" Drops of dampness moistened her red hair. "I only wanted to talk."

He eyed her suspiciously. "Talk about what?"

Her head drooped. She was about to make a huge mistake. "Last night."

His eyes grew gigantic. He could kid about last night at breakfast, but it was clear that he didn't want totalk about it. "Nothing happened, Sunshine. You got drunk and I took you home. Whatever you think happened is all in your little head."

"Don't say that Jeff; something happened. I was drunk. You were too but---"

"Of course I was drunk. I was wasted out of my fucking mind. Do you think I would have touched you if I wasn't?"

Dawn felt the sting of tears in her eyes. She sniffled.

Jeff looked at her and sighed. "Last night got way out of hand. We did some pretty fucked up stuff." Dawn silently agreed; Licking a sibling's reproductive juices from a third party's mouthwas pretty fucked up. "I never meant for it to go so far. Liza and I... I would do anything to get into her panties and she knows it."

A mistake, a drunken mistake. How could it be anything but?He was only interested in Liza, not me. Dawn felt like an iron bar had been placed on her chest. Weren't those the words Dawn longed to hear, that it was a lust for Liza Jennings that prompted him to touch his own sister and nothing else?

The iron bar grew heavier; it grew hot. How many at the party watched her go into the bedroom with Liza? How many saw Jeff follow not long after? They had to know what was happening behind the locked door. The same thing was happening behind every door in Beth Appleby's house.

Dawn reassessed the looks a handsome frat boy had given her in the parking lot minutes ago. The reporter she'd spoken to, the one who'd been friends with Daddy, what had he scribbled in his notepad? What if it had been a story about the siblings' incestuous romp with the blond cheerleader.