Lil Joey 01

Lil Joey 01

[A totally legit slow roll up and stop along the Strip to speak out through an open window while interfering with traffic on the Strip for less than five minutes]

"Beep, beep."

"Chopper, I'm going to pull into this open parking slot near your crew hangs out for a while, okay?"

I mean, Chopper owes me one, so. (Giggles) he saw me in manner of undress once.

"Um, alright Lil Joey, you can park here for a while, but this doesn't make us even. I mean, it can be a tie, but that's it."

[A Crossover pulls into, well, someone might say the Crossover did a good job pulling straight into open parking slot in front of the Baby Room Paint Shop on the Strip]

"Hi Chopper, hi guys, hi Chirpy (sigh, sniffle, sniffle, sigh.) Don't mind me because everything is fine and the two things that are weighing heavy on my mind are not your issues, so (sigh, sniffle, sniffle, sigh), carry on (sigh, sniffle, sniffle, sigh.)"

Well, I think it was more like three things that were on my mind, but I didn't want to burden Chopper or his crew or his sister, Chirpy, so I held a little back and just let that Friday night roll on.

"(Sigh, sniffle, sniffle, sigh.)"

"(Psst, who is going to get that?)"

"(Sigh, sniffle, sniffle, sigh.)"

"(Psst, not it, Chopper.)" "(Psst, I got it last time.)" "(Psst, I got it last time before the last time.)"

"(Sigh, sniffle, sniffle, sigh.)"

"Um, Lil Joey (what the fuck is it this time?) I mean..."

"Fine, Chopper, you dragged the first one out of me! Are you happy now? I'm nervous that you and your crew will get all weird about visiting me at my house this Sunday if I invite all of you over to watch the Taylor Swift concert on TV with me, so, fine, you made me confess in front of your entire crew now, Chopper, so?"

"Argh! Lil Joey, it's a football game! With a lot of TV camera time for Taylor Swift. And there's a rumor that she might get into the game as the backup quarterback if the red feathers get a big lead, so, ta da, everything is solved, let's just carry on with our Friday night, Ba-Za, Ba-Zoo, Mc-Goo!"

"(Sigh, sniffle, sniffle, sigh.)"

[Fun fact, Chopper actually makes that strong man bent arms grunting pose when he says "argh" and it actually makes sense and suits him]

"(Psst, sis, help me out here, Chirpy!)"

"(Psst, you saw his booty, bro, you got this!)"

"(Sigh, sniffle, sniffle, sigh.)"

"Argh, fine, Ka-Zoo, Cat Ba-Lue, I C U, Lil Joey, what might the..."

"OMFG, Chopper, how dare you drag such a personal and life impacting thing out of me right here in the middle of the Strip and in front of your biker crew and sister, especially when it's so obvious and right in front of all of you! (Sigh, sniffle, sniffle, sigh.)"

"Argh! Anyone? Literally, anyone? Hey, you, pregnant lady across the Strip with baby carriage..."

[Well, that wasn't expected from a pregnant woman! But she had pretty fingers. Well, one anyways]

"Fine, I get how you're afraid to say it, I mean, it's my hair everyone and mostly Chopper, the leader! I'm on my third hairstyle in three months and I just can't find it, Chopper, it's just not coming to me! I mean, first, it was too dark and then it was too short and now, OMG, this is not the lighter color that I had in my vision! I'm officially in sulking mode, so, I'm just going to lean against the store window and put a frown on my lips and slap my arms crossed across my chest tight, tight, tight and tap my toes in a fury and sulk! Sulk, I say, Chopper, sulk! (Sigh, sniffle, sniffle, sigh.)"

"Argh! Oh, wait a biker minute, I got this! Mary Lue, paint the baby room blue, Kalamazoo, Lenny, Lenny, get over here since you have sulking experience since that time your momma shot your game console box with her ankle pistol, so, front and center, Lenny!"

"(Sigh, sniffle, sniffle, sigh.) Wait, OMG (psst, Danny, Chopper, not Lenny! Psst!)"

"Argh (sheesh, girly boy problems)! Lenny, my bad, my lad, Lenny, so, stand down because I just remembered that your momma used her ankle pistol to shoot at your cheating daddy's girlfriend and she missed and shot her boyfriend through the hand by mistake and then the bullet struck your daddy in the calf and went through his calf and struck your daddy's whore in the knee and ricocheted back and stuck in your momma's forearm and that's not sulking, so, um, um, scanning the crowd on the Strip, ooh, ooh, Dan, Dan, you have sulking experience from that one time when something happened that one time, right, so, get the hell over here and smooth things out!"

(Giggles) there is a rumor that the four of them treated each other's wounds and ended up in some weird four persons chain linked circle on the floor, tee he, and that sounds interesting, but then again, there is also a rumor that Taylor Swift might throw for over 200 yards during her TV concert, so, rumors can be tricky to trust.

[Oh, that's quite the breezy and spritzy strut from that Danny guy as he makes his way through the crowded sidewalk!]

"(Wheeze, huff, puff, wheeze) what's up, Chopper? Oh, oh, well then, hey there, Lil Joey..."

"(Sigh, sniffle, sniffle, sigh, sulk, sigh.)"

"Oh, I mean, hey there, hey, Lil Joey, I mean, I mean, tee he, you got new hair, tee he, again!"

[Seriously, people actually do that movie director rectangle at an angle box hand motion? Yep]

"I mean, if Millie from the Hair Salon would have just spritzed a layer of light charcoal over the top, I mean, like my Auntie Claire would have probably done, uh-huh, that's right, just add a dark spritz over the top, are you feeling me, Lil Joey?"

Well, SOB! Or stupid spritzer idea for a solution for short.

"(Sigh, sniffle, sniffle, sigh.) Oh, I mean, you're Danny, right? I mean, I think we've met before, right? I mean (sigh, sniffle, sniffle, sigh, sulk), I mean, Danny, if I promise to not put little paper umbrellas into the necks of the beer bottles, again, I mean, I'm having a concert watch party this Sunday and I have room for one more, ahem, like you, but Lenny can still come, so, um (sigh, sniffle, sniffle, sigh, sulk), you talk now, um, it's Danny, right?"

"Are you kidding me, Lil Joey? I wouldn't miss Taylor Swifts TV concert this Sunday for anything because I heard that she's going to be in charge of all of red flag challenges on the field and use her normal concert headset to announce the decision! And good call on not going with the paper umbrella stabbing sticks (ouch)."

"(Sigh, sniffle, sigh, sniffle, still sulking a little bit.)"

"Oh, um, I'll talk to my Auntie Claire about layering a spritz of dark across the top of your hair, um, well, tomorrow since I just activated this new phone today and I messed up with the transferring of my old phone numbers, so, um, I'll call her tomorrow or..."

"(Sigh, sniffle, sigh, sniffle, still sulking a little bit) oh, I mean, just for fun and a lucky guess, I mean, tap in 555-203-1672 and you know, see what happens then, I mean, it's just a shot in the dark, I mean, it could happen, so?"

"[Tap, tap, tap, press call] oh, Auntie Claire? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."

Well, I mean, it's not like there are literally a bazillion cell phone numbers, so, I got lucky, that's all.

"Well, I'll be damned, Auntie Claire just said that you're in luck, Lil Joey and she can slip you into a chair tomorrow and have you all set for Taylor Swifts' first opportunity to run back a kick off, so, yay, right?"

"(Tee he, somebody is getting lucky now.) Oops, um, carry on, I mean, good job everyone, get your sulk on, ARGH!"

"(Sigh, sniffle, sigh, sniffle, still sulking a little less) shut it, Chopper (sigh, sniffle, sigh, sniffle), oh, that's a big "yay", Danny and I'll be dressed and ready tomorrow afternoon right on time, but I still have one more problem for (sigh, sniffle, sigh, sniffle) tonight and you might be able to..."

[The red feathers football team's quarterback is famous for his "no look" forward passes and he swears that he didn't learn it from Taylor Swifts background dancers and shoulder pad adjusters, but with just a little practice, anyone can do it and yay, the crowd, roar, the crowd goes wild when Lil Joey "no look" back slings his truck's key fob to Chopper with that perfection connection to the wide receiver like a great quarterback and receiver combo team, yay, roar and the spiral was such that only Chopper could catch the flying key fob, yay, roar]

"I mean, Danny, my hair is still a wreck tonight and a motorcycle helmet would be of benefit to me..."

[And the opposing fan base goes slam back fuck crazy when Chopper's sister, Chirpy, bounce jumps her brother's perfect pass and intercepts the truck key fob in midflight, yay, roar, take that, red feathers! And Offensive Coordinator, Taylor Swift!]

"[Snatch] I got this, bro! You saw his booty before and now my booty is planting dead center driver front in his Crossover and I'm heading down to the Shiny Red Sequin Blouse Shop because I need a new spaghetti strap concert blouse for when Tay-Tay calls the play-by-play for the second half of her TV concert his Sunday!"

[And the entire crowd goes bat crazy yay, roar, yay because some people would love to see Chirpy and her Tay-Tays in a shiny red sequin spaghetti strap football jersey, yay, roar, yay, the game day watch party at Lil Joey's just sold out!]

"And besides hiding my disaster hair with a motorcycle helmet..."

"Oh, I always have my spare helmet on my bike, Lil Joey, so..."

"(Sigh, sniffle, sigh, sniffle, still sulking or setting the hook) but Danny, I mean, it's Danny, right, I mean, I just now lost my truck key fob somehow and..."

"Ahem!"

"(Sigh, sniffle, sigh, sniffle) my truck key fob with shopping cash in the center console and..."

[And the crowd of one Chirpy goes wild, yay, roar, yay, new jeans too touchdown!]

"(Sigh, sniffle, sigh, sniffle) so, all of a sudden (boohoo, sigh, sulk), I mean, I need a ride home and..."

"Oh, Lil Joey, the last time that I checked, checked the replay for if tight end Taylor Swift stepped out of bounds or not, I mean, there's room for a rear seat rider on my bike, so?"

"(Sigh, sniffle, sigh, sniffle) well, that would be a big ask of me, but OKAY! Let's hit the pavement, Easy Rider and vroom away to my place!"

"ARGH!"

[That was code for how Chopper thinks he bippy, boppy, boo solved everything. He did not]

"(Vroom, vroom, squeal) woo, woo, I'll see you guys at the sold-out concert game!"

[That was code for how Chirpy found enough cash to shop for a few other things. She did]

[But the bad ass, full-face, shiny black hair hiding motorcycle helmet was enough of a distraction]

"Danny, I mean, this is only my second time on a bike and the first time had "mini" associated with it, Danny, so (whips that leg over the seat like it wasn't the first time), so, do I hang on like this, hmm?"

[Proper motorcycle back seat rider protocols suggest that a slight grip of the driver's sides or an arm wrap around with finger entanglement in the front are the safest way to ride]

"I mean, this feels right to me, Danny, tee he, I mean, how does it feel to you, hmm?"

[However, some studies have shown that some male motorcycle drivers like it another way]

"OMG, Lil Joey, that's the spot alright, but, aha, oh, ahh, OMG, it's just too dangerous while riding, oh, oh, Lil Joey, are you going to finish what you just started, huh, oh, ooh, ahh?"

Fore wording or pre text or whatever it is, no. I mean, I'll engage with Danny in some manner for sure, soon enough, but not the night before I have to sit in his Aunties hair salon chair on that Saturday and I should get some credit for that, especially since I would crumble and spill it, if his Auntie Claire gave me even the slightest side eye. I'm playful, not strong willed.

Besides, I had a plan. Well, maybe not so much of a plan as, um, a solution.

"Tee he [releases that particular reach around grip, which was low] let's go, Easy Rider! And (whisper, whisper, whisper, not quite finished yet, but..."

[Screech, squeal, peel, peel, wheely, a super wheely, screech, burning rubber vroom, vroom, vroom!]

"Well, just when I thought I saw everything, in walks a helmet head! Is this a gimmick or a bad hair day, Lil Joey, hmm?"

"Shut it, Congi Que! And my ride home needs a token bunny."

"[A quick slip slide and hip bump!] Oh, did someone beckon for Token Bunny Bibi, hmm?"

[Clink, clink, clink, clink, token hand off]

"What does your boyfriend like, helmet head, hmm?"

"Oh, shut it, Token Bunny Bibi! Danny is not my boyfriend! But that may change this Sunday if Taylor Swift runs and passes for touchdowns. Anyways, Danny might a divorce court victory situation with a blonde 30-something or maybe a pre wedding soon to be Mother-In-Law's last chance to take care of her daughter's soon to be hubby, I mean, I don't know, what do like, Danny? And there is zero, zero, zero judgement!"

[Sneaky photo taking in the back ground, snap, snap, snap]

"OMFG, Lil Joey! But ask Token Bunny Bibi if the "Peep & Pull" adult bookstore has (whisper, whisper, whisper, ahem) and I wrote down no judgement!"

Oh, well, there may be a tad of judgement then, but just a tad since I chickened out for the night.

"Well, what's it going to be, helmet head? Just what are approving for your soon to be boyfriend to twist and stroke his fat throttle over in a peeping booth, hmm? And the shiny black helmet actually works for you."

[The sneaky photo taking in the back ground continues, snap, snap, snap]

"Oh, thanks, Token Bunny Bibi, I think, um (whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper, ugh, ugh, ooh, ooh, argh, argh, ahh, ahh, whisper), so?"

"Oh, well, my mom, Nurse Swallows, will be happy to hear that her hidden doctor's office visit video is still trending then, tee he, so, this way, "I have a groin pain" patient! I think peeping and pulling booth 6 is open."

Well, maybe I shouldn't judge at all then, so.

"Ahem. I heard that your Taylor Swift TV concert and football game watch party is all sold out, Lil Joey, but me and my half Congi fem boy brothers could handle standing room only, so?"

"Congi Que, is that exactly the same as you Congi half-brothers could handle some kneeling down room, hmm? And if it is exactly the same, yay and don't be late!"

"Sugar, late, hah! We heard that Tay-Tay is tossing the game coin in one of her concert costumes! And possibly tossing the pigskin for over 300 yards! Now, tighten the chin strap on your helmet and you know, stroll around the place while your soon to be boyfriend explains to Nurse Swallows where his groin pain is! And by the way, rookie, strolling around the backroom is exactly the same as flirting. And then you can come back on Thursday nights with your helmet, bye!"

Oh, so, now you're judging me? I mean, you just heard Token Bunny Bibi say that the shiny helmet look works for me! Which, now that I said that, maybe that could be interpreted a couple of different ways, I suppose.

"Oh, this is new then. Are you the next token bunny, huh? Because I just now submitted a suggestion in the suggestion box about a new way of breaking in the new token bunnies, so? And the helmet stays."

"Oh, sorry, sir, but I'm just waiting for my boy, um, my friend to finish up with his urgent care clinic visit with the nurse and um, bye!"

Oh, tee he, you can judge for how I shuffle and scurry away, tee he.

"(Helmet knock, helmet knock, helmet knock) don't speak. I'm Bebe, Token Bunny Bibi's sister and I've never been to a Taylor Swift football concert and I know it's sold out at your place, but I assume you might get busy or pass out and I'd like to be there as the food and beverage server and I'll work in your favor, especially if that biker guy, 12 Volt is going to be there and I promise that I won't disappoint [exhales, whew], so, nod your helmet head either up and down or sideways, go!"

Well, when a person grabs a full-face motorcycle helmet chin guard thingy part and moves it up and down, I mean, the head inside of the helmet sort of goes with it, so.

[OMG, OMG, OMG, argh, argh, OMG, Nurse Swallows actually swallows, OMG, OMG, argh, argh]

"Tee he, I think your non, but soon to be boyfriend, is finished, tee he, bye."

[Oh, so, Bibi's sister, Bebe, thinks she can just walk away after that, hmm? Hah!]

"But, Bebe, bah, bah, bah..."

"Red and white on the outside and not much on the inside, but it will match your shiny black motorcycle helmet, Lil Joey. Or you'll see for yourself for short. Text 12 Volt for me, Lil Joey, ta, ta."

Well, telling off people is going on my resume now! Right under people walking away watcher.

[The sneaky photo taking in the back ground continues, snap, snap, snap]

[Weep, an outgoing text]

"12V, R U coming to my watch party?"

[Whoop, a response text]

"Heard it's a sold-out football concert?????"

[Weep, a follow up outgoing text]

"I need mixer muscle. And Bebe wants to talk!"

[Whoop, a clap back response text]

"I'll be there early!"

[Weep, a let's double check that follow up outgoing text]

"Ahem."

[Whoop, a clap back response text]

"Ugh! And clean."

Well, sometimes guys need to be reminded of things like that.

"(Helmet knock, helmet knock, helmet knock) sup?"

[A spin around to yell and scream at the helmet knocker!]

"Hey, my helmet is a gimmick, not a door knob, so you had, had, had, OMG, Bart Bartman! I haven't seen you since, um, forever, minus most of forever, I guess. Tee he, how did you know it was me from behind and since I'm wearing my bad hair day helmet, hmm?"

"Oh, I mean, Lil Joey..."

"And don't say by my booty! Even though that hasn't changed since I was, well, since I was younger, so?"

"Oh, I mean, Lil Joey..."

"And don't say by my body scent either since I've matured beyond bubble gum! But tee he, I liked how you used to melt over that, so?"

"Oh, I mean, Lil Joey..."

"And, and, and, I mean, everything else was a tie, the END!"

"Oh, I mean, Lil Joey..."

"Well, listen, Bart Bartman, I'm less than 20 hours away from a decent hair style and less than 40 hours away from possibly hooking up, so, speak up now or forever hold it!"

I mean, Bart didn't know anything any better than I did, so, that implies a tie, the end.

"Oh, I mean, Lil Joey, text me when it's my turn to talk! And I liked how we tied a lot a few months ago, I mean, tee he, it was fun (for me), so, um, I might want to talk about reconnecting, ahem, if you're actually unattached, ahem, but we can talk about that later because right now, I feel the need to tell you that there are some scammers out there trying to sell counterfeit tickets to your Tay-Tay game concert mixer this Sunday and they jacked the price up since it was leaked that Tay-Tay would be wearing eye black strips while she fills in for the head referee, so? Oh, and I need a couple of clean tickets, too."

Well, all I heard is that my old crush wanted to get back together with me! And a pair of real tickets.

"(Helmet knock, helmet knock, helmet knock)"

[A spin around to yell and scream at the helmet knocker! Again]

"Hey, my helmet is a gimmick, not a door knob, so you had, had, had, oh, Token Bunny Bibi, I mean, I mean, I mean, um, well, I mean, bah, bah, bah..."

"Hush, helmet Boi. You and your gimmick helmet thingy are becoming a hit and our photographer is asking if you might provide him with a couple of seconds of video with your head bobbing up and down and I'll guide you through it in the backroom office, ahem, for a couple of tickets to your mixer, so?"

Um, it's none of your business, folks, if that happened or not! Especially sense a full-face helmet hides more than just bad hair.

End Lil Joey 01