Little Lies

"Too late," I said. "From the second it started things were never going to be the same."

"Can't you forgive her, Daddy," asked Jessica.

"I'm sorry angel," I said. "I'm simply not the forgiving type."

"Good," she smiled. "Because I'm not going to forgive her either."

"Jessica we have to do this in a very calm and dignified way. So until I know what I have to do, please don't say anything to anyone and try not to treat your mother any differently."

"A penny for your thoughts," asked Joyce from behind me. I'd been so busy thinking that I hadn't heard her come up from behind me.

"Maybe you'd better not light that yet," she said as she noticed how much lighter fluid I'd put on the coals. Luckily I'd brought a second bag. I quickly scooped the oversaturated coals out of the pit and back into the first bag. I'd dump it in the lake a few times before throwing it away to make sure that it didn't accidentally start a fire.

I put the second bag of charcoal into the grill and just barely applied fluid to them and then lit it with a lighter I'd bought at the same time.

"Come and sit down with me on the blanket, while we wait for the fire to die down." smiled Joyce.

I sat beside her and she took her hand in mine. "Bill, I had a thought on the way down here," she said. "I know that we've never talked about this before but we're about to start a new chapter in our lives together. We've had a great life so far and I'm looking forward to the next leg of it, but I'm not sure this one is over yet."

I looked at her as if I really didn't understand her point. In actuality I just wanted to get as far away from her as I could. I probably shouldn't have been thinking about the way I felt while I watched her fuck Matt on that video. It was making me want to throw up as I looked at her.

"Okay, Honey, I can see that you're confused," she said. "Being here with the people I love most has made me see things a bit differently. And actually something Jess said started me thinking. Our kids are grown and leaving the nest, so I'd been feeling kind of old and unattractive and useless. I guess I wanted to charge my life back up..."

I was shocked. I couldn't believe it. This bitch was getting ready to come clean and admit that she'd been having an affair. I'd never heard of that happening before. What about my plans now? What about my revenge? Shit this just fucked everything up.

"...So, I joined all of those stupid committees thinking that the way to make me feel better about myself could come from outside of the family. All it did was to pull us farther apart, whether you know it or not, we've all become more distant from each other over the past few weeks."

"Hmmm," I said, as if I was actually thinking about the shit she was spewing. Come on get to the part where you started fucking the balding thirty five year old bag boy from the supermarket who still lives in his mother's basement, I thought.

"Do you realize that it's been two weeks since we had sex?" she asked looking at me for my reaction.

"Hell yeah," I thought. "Why the fuck would I ever touch you again after seeing you with Matt?"

"No, Sweetheart, I didn't" I said reaching into my own bag of little lies.

"Well I know that you've been looking forward to a time when it's just the two of us and we can run around the house naked," she said.

That was the furthest fucking thing in my mind, believe me.

"You're always telling me how you'd burn all of my clothes and I'd always be naked so you could just fuck me whenever you felt like it," she smiled. "But I think part of that, is going to have to wait."

"All of that, is going to have to wait until hell freezes over," I thought.

"We aren't old enough to really retire yet, Bill," she smiled. "I love you and I want us to have another baby."

Suddenly I couldn't breathe. I was choking and coughing. Joyce started patting me on my back to help dislodge whatever had gone down the wrong pipe.

All sorts of things went through my mind at that time. Maybe she was already pregnant with Mat's kid and wanted to palm it off on me. I discarded that one because it was too soon to tell. Maybe she wanted to get pregnant with Matt's kid and then palm it off on me. Maybe it was guilt and she was trying to jumpstart our sex life that she had unknowingly fucked up. I didn't know. I didn't care. All I wanted to do was give her this last day together and then get free.

Surprisingly Christine Mcvie saved me again. I thought back to the song and had my answer.

The second verse of the song goes, "Although I'm not making plans, I hope that you'll understand there's a reason why."

"Joyce, let's not make any plans right now. I hope you can understand there's a reason why, I just don't want to plan anything out just yet," I said echoing the songs sentiments.

"Ooh, you want me all to yourself for a while," she smiled. "That's so selfish. Have you been thinking nasty thoughts about what we're going to be doing with the kids out of the house?"

I just nodded my head and smiled. But I was thinking that all of my nasty thoughts involved two pikes mounted in my back yard, with her and Matt's severed heads facing each other as they rotted away.

I couldn't believe that my anger at her actions had driven me to thoughts of violence.

As the song said, "We're better off apart, let's give it a try."

Joyce seemed to only bring out the worst in me lately. She placed my hand over her heart and then pulled it down onto one of her breasts. The nipple hardened immediately under my palm and she pulled me on top of her. As if on cue Jessica appeared.

"Are we going to put any food on that grill or not?" she asked. "Daddy, is my stomach going to have to be a victim of your hormones all day?"

I nodded a thank you to her for her assistance and headed for the grill.

I put hot dogs, hamburger patties a few steaks and a couple of chicken breasts on the large grill. I also put a couple of pieces of salmon wrapped in aluminum foil on.

"Okay maybe I can see why you'd want it to be just the two of us for a while," said Joyce sneaking up behind me again.

"Dad, the lake awaits," called Brian. I shrugged my shoulders and headed off after him, with Jessica tagging along as the official judge.

Brian threw his first rock almost to the edge of the log that some kids had towed out and anchored in the middle of the lake. It was a good throw and he smiled about it. "Beat that Dad," he smiled.

I picked up a rock and for some reason I was still thinking about Matt's receding hairline and sallow complexion. As I let the rock fly I imagined slamming my fist right between that bastard's eyes.

"Whoa Dad," yelled Brian. "Where did that come from? Your rock flew clean over the log. You threw it more than halfway across the lake." Both he and Jessica were staring at me in shock.

"Let's go eat," I said, trying to muster some kind of enthusiasm. "We probably shouldn't leave your mom alone for too long."

"Right, we might end up catching her fucking a park ranger," smirked Jessica. I was alarmed again, but Brian just laughed.

"Can you imagine it," he said. "They'd get to moving around so much that the friction would cause a forest fire. Then Smokey the bear would come out with a new line of lubricated anti friction condoms and beg people to wear them when they did it in the woods."

"Only you can prevent forest fires," said Jessica in a deep voice like the bear from the commercials.

We got back to camp to find that only the hot dogs were done, so that's what we ate. After lunch, Brian decided that he was so stuffed that he just wanted to take a nap in the jeep. Joyce wanted to show Jessica where all of the wildflowers were growing.

Jessica asked me to go on a hike instead. Joyce had never been much for hiking so she went to pick her flowers.

During our walk I tried to explain to Jess that what was going on with Joyce and I had nothing to do with her. I told her that we were both always going to be her parents and both of us loved her.

I also tried to explain to her that in the days to come her mother would need her for support because it would probably be hard on her when she realized that I was gone.

"Why should I help the whore who tore our family apart?" asked Jessica.

Truthfully I had no answer so I just said, "Because she's your mother and you love her."

"Dad, men don't notice things," said Jess. "If it's not right in their faces they never notice anything unless it's about work, football or cars. But girls and women do. We pick up on very subtle clues that men would miss. Probably half of the girls that I know are aware that my mom is fucking a bag boy. It's embarrassing."

I stopped walking and just looked at her.

"I love you Daddy," she said. "In the spring when I come home from school, and on my Christmas Break, I'm coming to stay with you."

The rest of the afternoon passed quickly. We did a lot of family oriented games. We played catch with a Frisbee. We stared at the clouds to see what they were shaped like. We ate a lot and all of us even went out with Joyce to see her beloved wildflowers. As we headed back to the camp to eat dinner, exhausted after our flower hunt, my son almost inadvertently ruined it himself.

"It's hard to believe we're never going to do this again," said Brian.

"Of course we will," said Joyce as Brian, Jess and I stared in shock.

"But I meant..." started Brian trying to clean up his statement.

"I know what you meant Honey," said Joyce. "Maybe next time you'll bring Maggie with you. And maybe the time after that Jessica will bring someone too. Then maybe you and Maggie will bring my first grandchild, but we'll always come here. It's a family tradition. The family will just be getting bigger that's all," she said elbowing me.

"So maybe that will make it even better." Brian smiled and nodded. I could tell he was relieved that he hadn't let the cat out of the bag. Joyce leaned over to kiss me and didn't see the angry look that Jessica gave her big brother.

I've lost track of how many times I've kissed Joyce over our years together. But there was just something different about this kiss. It was as if some of the sadness in Brian's words had caused her to try to put more into it than she ever had, as if she thought that somehow our entire relationship hinged on that single kiss.

"Have you given my proposal any thought?" she asked. The look in her eyes was so hopeful that I almost forgot how pissed at her I was. It's been said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. At that moment when I looked into Joyce's eyes I could see the love in them.

For a half of a heartbeat, I thought about fucking Joyce one last time. Who knows, maybe she might've gotten her wish. But then I realized that if she did get pregnant, I could never walk away from my child. Besides I hated the thought of her bringing up one of my fucking kids in Matt's mother's basement.

It was beginning to get dark as we loaded the jeep up. We were all yawning as we started the long trip back home. The trip back would take even longer since we had to drop Brian off at the airport. He'd gotten a redeye flight back to college so he'd have an extra day with Maggie before classes began. Maggie had gotten back to school this afternoon and I don't think she knew he was coming.

I think Brian wanted to show up at their apartment in the middle of the night to check up on her. To see if she was even there and if she was there, to see if she was alone. God Damn Joyce for fucking with our kids' lives with her cheating. She'd damaged countless lives because of her insecurity and boredom. None of us would ever be the same. The whole family was both broken and damaged. I really hope Matt was worth it.

"Are you okay to drive sweetie?" she asked.

"I'm fine," I said. "I have a lot to think about."

"Oh?" she said. "Have we come to a decision?"

I was actually thinking about other things, but I decided that one more sweet little lie wouldn't hurt. I wanted to make her as happy as possible on this our last day together. The whole point of the day was to give both of us one glimpse of how perfect our life was supposed to be, one final snapshot of the love that had lasted for most of our adult lives.

Like the song said, "I couldn't find a way, so I'll settle for ONE DAY, to believe in you."

It just seemed fitting that the final way to make her happy would be to let her think that she was getting what she wanted.

"I'm trying to figure out names," I whispered.

The look on her face was priceless. It was love and adoration and lust all rolled into one. It was the same look she'd always given me until two weeks ago when she started fucking Matt. Since then all I saw in her expression was guilt and questions.

"Are you going to fuck the shit out of me tonight, baby?" she whispered back. "Are you going to pound my pussy while I wrap my thick legs around you until you squirt your baby juice in me and give our bad assed kids another sister or brother?" She was lightly rubbing my dick even as she whispered.

"We'd probably better wait until I get back from my trip day after tomorrow," I said. "We don't want Jessica to hear us and it's going to be nasty."

As we drove towards home and our stop at the airport, I was confused. Joyce really did seem to be back to herself. Even the way she was holding my hand constantly, told me that no matter what had happened she still loved me. Maybe as she'd hinted this was just something that happened because she was bored and lonely and had lost track of what was important.

Was this simply a forgivable mistake in an otherwise solid marriage that I was blowing way out of proportion, because of ego and insecurity? I really had to examine my feelings on the matter. As soon as I said that I knew that I was fucked up in the head. Men, at least most of us, don't operate on our feelings. Women do. Men react from our gut instinct and then we analyze the situation and follow logic. My gut instinct had been to gut Joyce like a fish and Matt along with her.

Analysis tells me that if Joyce pulled this shit once and got away with it, at some point later down the line she'd try it again. So both my gut instinct and logic had told me that it was time to move on despite what my heart was saying. I did not intend to spend the rest of my life at the mercy of her hormones. Life is too short not to have a good time.

At the airport Joyce and Jess were both asleep as I let Brian out. I slipped him some money even though we'd already given him a debit card to use for expenses and things. I hugged him one more time.

"Dad, don't forget as soon as you know which office you're going to transfer to, email me. Jess and I are both pulling for Hawaii. Oh, I'm bringing Maggie for Christmas. We're probably going to her parent's house for Thanksgiving. That should give you time to make the new place presentable," he said. "But let me know, Thanksgiving on the beach sounds cool.

"Brian, what if your mom and I are still together?" I asked.

He looked at me dubiously. "Then it'll probably be a pretty miserable Christmas, with you looking under the tree to see if she's getting presents from her boyfriend, or having to check the number of places around the table to make sure she didn't invite him. And the worst part will be constantly checking the chimney to make sure she's not trying to fuck Santa Claus. I love you Dad, just do what's right for you. We'll stand behind you no matter what that is." He rubbed Jessica's head and lightly kissed her.

"Don't tell her I did that," he smiled. Then he headed for the terminal, no longer just my son, but a man in his own right.

I got back into the car and headed for home. Joyce sleepily reached for my hand while Jess lightly snored in the back, even while asleep Joyce instinctively reached for me. "Love you Billy," she said. That only served to confuse me more.

The woman was telling me she loved me while she was asleep. Can you fake that? And another thing, the way she behaved when she was with Matt was nothing like the way she was with me. Was she faking it with him? Or had she been faking it with me for nearly twenty years? Was I really going to throw twenty years down the drain because she'd fucked some pathetic loser twice?

I'd also begun to doubt my plan. It seemed kind of cowardly to just leave without telling her why I was leaving her. When a dog fucked up you had to at least smack him with a newspaper to let him know that he shouldn't shit on the floor. Didn't Joyce, after twenty years, have a right to know why I was ending our marriage? Didn't she deserve a chance to respond?

I guess that was my mature side coming out. The best way to do this would be to make some coffee, invite Matt over and the three of us sit down and talk about this like reasonable adults. What the fuck was I thinking? I must have seen too fucking many of those Lifetime network movies.

That cunt had cheated on me. She didn't deserve shit.

"Wake me when we get to the airport so I can say goodbye to Brian," she mumbled.

"Uhm we left the airport twenty minutes ago," I said. "We'll be home in another 15 minutes."

Joyce's eyes popped open. "Brian is gone?" she asked. I nodded.

"But he didn't tell me goodbye or anything," she said. I could tell that she was hurt.

"He kissed me goodbye," said Jessica, purposefully twisting the knife. "It was hard to pretend to be asleep while your apelike brother is slobbering all over you. I guess that's the way they show you they love you though."

"Go back to sleep, Jess," I said. "Her smile at me in the rear view mirror told me that she'd already made the point she was going after.

"He knew that you were tired Honey," I directed at Joyce. "He wanted to let you sleep. He knows that you'll have even more work to do on your committees since you took a day off to be with us."

"I'm supposed to be with you guys," she said. "No more committees, no more charities, no more projects. Except for the one you and I are going to work on."

"Was that another little lie? Or was she telling the truth? I couldn't tell anymore.

I pulled into our driveway and carried Jessica up to her room. "Love you Daddy," she mumbled. "Forever and ever."

"Love you too Angel," I said as I started to leave.

"Don't forget to call me when my plane lands so I can tell you how she took it," she snapped. Her eyes were fully open and she was alert. "And Dad, I'm living with you. In our state, kids over thirteen get to have some say in which parent they live with. I'm seventeen, so pick Hawaii because I look awesome in a bikini. Claudia and I get along great too." I wondered why she brought up Cludia.

"Jess if you're awake why did I have to carry you up the damned stairs?" I asked.

"Because today is about the last time we'll do certain things," she said quietly. "I remember when I was little and how safe I always felt when you'd carry me up those stairs and tuck me in. Neither you or I may ever set foot in this house again after tonight, so I wanted to feel that one more time too." I just nodded.

"Maybe it'll be at another house. Or maybe someday you'll watch me carry my granddaughter up the stairs in your house," I said.

"Yeah that'll be great Dad. You can do it while you're explaining to her why she doesn't have a grandmother," she said bitterly.

"Who knows," I said. "Maybe we can still save this."

"No Dad," she said solemnly. "You can't. You're not that guy. And if you were, you wouldn't be the Dad I love and respect. It's time for a new start for you. With someone who really loves you. Maybe there's already someone waiting for you."

I went back down to the car where Joyce still sat snoring. I opened the door and lifted her from the seat too. Her arms went around my neck reflexively and I carried her up to our room. I put her down on the bed and began taking her clothes off.