Long After the Fact Ch. 02

"I'll just stay a few minutes and then leave you alone, Dan. But I have two things to say about your situation with Susan, and I think it would be a tragedy if you went off to San Diego without at least hearing them.

"First: do you realize that you and she have never really talked, not even once, since you discovered her affair? You've listened to Susan and me, and then you had your say in one session; and last time Susan lashed out at you and you got up and left. But the two of you have never had a true conversation about what has happened, how each of you feels about it, and what you each hope for now."

She looked at him expectantly, perhaps thinking he would be surprised by her words. Instead he smiled, a little uncertainly.

"Actually, Dr. Branden, a friend of mine said just the same thing to me this afternoon. And I see your point."

Encouraged, she went on. "Here's the other thing: you and Susan are out-of-sync, in a way I've never seen before. Usually the partner who's had the affair and the partner who's been cheated upon have to deal with their problem simultaneously. It's intensely painful, but at least the two parties can normally understand what the other is going through.

"But this situation is different, Dan." She leaned forward, looking at him intently, and explained to him what she had told Susan weeks before.

Dan listened attentively, if noncommitally. She had no idea what he was thinking. When she finished he sat for a few moments, then got to his feet.

"Thank you for coming, Doctor. You've given me something to think about, and I promise that I will turn it over in my mind."

"I hope you'll do more than that, Dan. I hope that you'll reach out to Susan, or let her reach out to you, one more time."

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CONVERSATION

June 8

Susan had been planning it ever since Dan had called and agreed to come home for a talk. She knew how she wanted to be: she wanted to be sorry but dignified. She would not grovel or beg.

And she knew she'd need something to do with her hands. She did two loads of laundry, and had them sitting in baskets in the living room. She folded 5-6 items and began a pile, then left the rest sitting until he arrived.

"Hello, Dan, thank you for coming."

"Hi, Susan." He followed her into the living room and sat in the big armchair; she went to the sofa facing him, and resumed folding laundry.

"Dan, I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for blowing my top at you during our last session with Dr. Branden, and I'm sorry beyond words for what...for my affair with Teddy O'Neill. It was an awful thing, the worst thing I have ever done in my life. I would give anything to undo it."

There was silence. She waited, and folded a shirt. Finally she said, "I hope you're going to tell me you're sorry too, for the way you've hurt me since February."

She watched him stiffen a little, but his voice was calm. "Well, Susan, I guess I am sorry—at least a little. When I vanished like that, there's no question that I wanted to devastate you, to make you feel some of the agony that I was feeling. To give you the sensation of your whole world collapsing—because that's what happened to mine.

"Finding those emails—I don't know what to say, exactly. It tore my heart out. It made a lie out of everything I believed about you and me, and our marriage. It even made a lie out of that day when you came back to me, when I thought we had a marriage again."

"Dan, we DID have a marriage again," she began; but he cut her off.

"I don't think you'll EVER understand how hurt and angry I feel. I know you've thought about it, talked to Dr. Branden about it, imagined being in my shoes. But you're NOT in my shoes."

She nodded, looking calmer than he expected. "I know that, honey. I did try to imagine it, back when I was in therapy with her. I gave myself visions of you and—what's the name of Sam's old secretary, with the big chest?"

"Karen—"

"visions of you and Karen in bed together: you on top of her, her...doing you with her mouth, you sucking her breasts, or, you know, taking her from behind. It hurt like crazy; I could hardly breathe sometimes, thinking about someone else touching you and being with you like that. But I knew it wasn't real, and I will never claim that I truly feel the pain of what I did to you.

"But there's something else, too—I wasn't in my right mind. Clinical depression isn't just being a little sad, you know. I was mentally ill when I cheated on you with Teddy. I did something that I would never, ever have done otherwise.

"I'm not trying to duck responsibility for it, to say 'it wasn't me'—it WAS me. I did it, and I am so sorry! But I'm reminding you about my mental illness because you need to be able to believe that nothing like that will ever happen again."

They sat for a while. She hoped he'd speak again, but he didn't. She folded a pillowcase.

"There's another problem, baby, as you know. It was nearly three years ago now, and I'm much more 'over' this than you are. For you it's like it only happened four months ago.

"But there's a good side to that too, I think."

He cocked his head, with a little smile that looked interested but skeptical. Encouraged by the reaction she went on.

"One of the things you must be feeling—I know I would be feeling it—is 'she's destroyed my trust in her—how the hell can I ever trust her again?'

"But I've spent the past two-and-a-half years earning your trust again, proving to you how sorry I am for what I did, how much I love you, and how much you can count on me."

He looked at her hard. "But I've been an unsuspecting husband most of that time. You've had your dirty little secret, and been lording it over me ever since that summer.

"How do I know you haven't been fucking around with other people behind my back? Or even Teddy again, for old times' sake?" The last words had a bitter tone.

Susan regarded him steadily. "What does your gut tell you, Dan? I have been completely faithful, completely yours, since the day I ended it with Teddy. I haven't touched or kissed another man—hell, I haven't looked at another man. When you look inside yourself, does that feel true to you or not?"

She gazed at him, unflinching. After some time he glanced away, then back at her, a slightly sheepish look on his face.

"Yes, Susan. That feels true to me. I believe you."

"Okay then. So for nearly three years I've been faithful, loving, affectionate—and we've been really good together in bed, wouldn't you agree?" He returned the smile that appeared on her face.

"Not to minimize in any way the pain you feel about my affair—but isn't that exactly what you would have wanted from me, back then, if you'd found out?"

"Yes, I guess so," he said; and then, more roughly, "if I hadn't just thrown you out on your ass!"

"Yes, of course," she replied, calmly; "if you hadn't just thrown me out on my ass.

"And we'll never know if you would have done that; though I sort of hope you wouldn't have, given how shaky I was at the time."

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They talked on, into the afternoon. A thousand times Susan was grateful for her laundry, for something to do besides just look at Dan and want to bury herself in his arms. His distance and his self-contained manner were unbearably painful to her.

"He's talking, at least he's listening and talking," she kept saying to herself.

And later, when Dan grew emotional, when his voice rose to a shout and he started to pace the room, fighting back tears, she kept telling herself, "this is okay, this is good—he's opening up to me, he's letting it out", all the while his pain and hurt rained down on her, the words stinging and wounding.

It got really bad when he brought up Teddy. "I am going to make that son-of-a-bitch pay," said Dan angrily.

"Why, Dan? It's me you're angry at—why can't you just leave him out of it?"

Dan stared at her, his face reddening. "Leave him out of it? The fuckhead who seduced my wife, at a time when she was incredibly vulnerable? Seduced her, took advantage of her sorrow and depression, fucked the hell out of her all summer long, and maybe killed our marriage? Are you out of your fucking mind?!"

"Dan, it was..." She didn't know how to reach him. "Dan, it was three years ago. After it...ended, between us, he has always been completely professional. He's never bothered me again, never been anything but a helpful assistant principal."

"How nice for him! And how nice for me, Susan, that you take his side!

"Well let me make something clear to you: I am going after Teddy O'Neill, with you or without you. You can decide which of us is more important to you, and whose side you're on!"

After that there was quiet. The storm ended, the laundry was long since folded, and they both seemed exhausted. Susan didn't know where things stood, and was afraid to ask. Was he about to say, "okay, we've talked, now goodbye"?

She had more questions, above all about whether he was absolutely committed to the San Diego job—but it felt too scary to ask. The silence lengthened, both of them lost in their own thoughts.

Susan heard Dan draw breath to speak, and she practically squeaked with fear.

"Listen," he said. "This has been hard, and tiring. Do you want to go get some dinner, and we can maybe talk some more?"

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CONFRONTATION

June 14

When Dan walked into his office, Teddy O'Neill stood to greet him. The Vice-Principal didn't recognize him at first. It wasn't until Dan said, "Mr. O'Neill, I'm Dan Flood, Susan's husband," that Teddy began to feel uneasy.

"Of course, Mr. Flood, nice to see you," he replied, ushering Dan to a chair. "What can I do for you?"

"Why don't you take a look at these?" Dan replied, handing Teddy a pile of papers. Teddy began to read; after a moment he started, and looked up into Dan's stern eyes.

"Is there a problem, Mr. O'Neill? You look a bit pale." Dan's voice was cold and sarcastic.

"Where did you get these?" said Teddy, his voice shaky.

"They're all printouts from my wife's old computer. Bad luck for you, she seems to have kept your entire correspondence, all 78 messages back and forth. And before you let your imagination run away with you, I assure you that there are several other copies of these, in safe places. Shredding these, or even having me done away with, won't solve your little problem."

There was a silence, as Teddy flipped through the pages without really seeing them. His quick glances were enough to confirm what Flood was telling him—his whole affair with one of his teachers was laid out in black and white. How the fuck could she have been so stupid?

While he was searching desperately for a way out of this, Dan spoke.

"I thought that perhaps your wife might want to see these."

Frantically, Teddy responded, "why should she care? We weren't married then."

"Yes, but how will she feel when she learns that you seduced one of your subordinates, at a time when she was grieving for a dead child? Not very classy, was it, Teddy," Dan said ironically, shaking his head.

"But I imagine that it's your superiors in the school system who would be the most interested in these, don't you think?"

Teddy just stared at Dan. He could feel the sweat dampening his shirt. What the fuck did this bastard want?

His mind foggy, he said, attempting a stern tone, "Mr. Flood. I assume there's something you want. Why don't you just tell me what it is."

Dan grinned broadly. "You almost read my mind, Teddy—but not quite. I had planned to blackmail you with these, make you sweat and grovel. Because I know you'd give anything to keep this sordid little affair a secret, and not let it wreck your career.

"Unfortunately for you, I changed my mind. There's not a thing I want from you. So you don't have to worry about being blackmailed. This morning I sent a copy of these to your wife at work, and copies to the Principal, the Superintendent and the School Board. They also got a bonus—I've filed a civil suit for sexual harassment and infliction of emotional distress. My lawyer says that should be worth quite a lot of money. But somehow I doubt it's going to do you any good around here, Teddy."

Gasping, Teddy said, "what about your wife? That lawsuit is going to put her in a pretty embarrassing position."

"First of all, since she was the victim I got a restraining order preventing any party to the suit from revealing her name to anyone. And second, she wasn't the one who violated all the School Board's regulations and had sex with a subordinate, was she now, Teddy?

"So I don't think that Susan will be any obstacle. In fact, if you look at the last page of that little pile, you'll see it's an affidavit in which she attests that those emails were indeed sent between the two of you."

Teddy's face was bright red; he gripped the arms of his chair as if to break them off. "If you're...not going to blackmail me, why the hell are you here?"

Dan smiled again, a smile of pure pleasure. "I just wanted to give you a heads-up, that's all. And give myself the treat of seeing your face when you learned that a shitstorm the size of Montana was headed your way.

"Take care, Teddy!" said Dan as he headed for the door.

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SAN DIEGO

June 30

Dan came in the door, dropped his briefcase and headed straight for the fridge. He grabbed a Corona and returned to the living room. Picking his way through the morass of furniture and half-unpacked boxes, he settled with a sigh in his favorite easy chair.

Damn, what a week! He loved the job so far, but the first week on any new job is hard work, and this one had certainly lived up to expectations. The project they'd assigned him turned out to be three times as complex as the way it had been described during his interviews, and he had to assign parts of it to his new team while getting to know them and their strengths and weaknesses.

It had been invigorating, but now Dan was wiped. He drank his beer and concentrated on letting every muscle relax.

Footsteps sounded from the other room, and then Dan felt two hands gently massaging his weary shoulders.

"Rough week?"

He tilted his head back and smiled up at her. "A great week, actually—I'm going to love working there. But the project they've got me on is going to be a bear."

Still rubbing his shoulders, she bent and kissed the top of his head.

"Well I've got some good news. Do you want to hear it now, or shall I let you alone for a little while to get more of that beer inside you?"

"No, come tell me now." Dan took her hand and pulled her around to the front of the chair, where she nestled happily in his lap. Laughing, she grabbed the beer from his hand and took a big swig, then gave it back.

"You know I had my appointment at the Board of Education offices this morning. Well, it turns out there are more than a dozen vacancies for fifth and sixth grade, including three at Boyer Elementary just four blocks from here. I have an interview next week with the principal at Boyer. The Assistant Superintendent seemed very impressed with my resume, and he hinted pretty strongly that they'd be happy to have me."

"That's fantastic, Susan. Do you want to go out to celebrate? I'd need to shower first, though—I'm a mess."

"I've been unpacking boxes all afternoon and I'm pretty filthy too. How about we shower together, and then decide whether we want to do our celebrating in a restaurant or in the bedroom?"

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They made love slowly, tenderly, with the late afternoon light streaming in across the bed, with their wet hair dampening the pillows—not because they were tired, just because there seemed to be plenty of time, and no reason to hurry.

When they were done, Dan held Susan close against him, kissing her cheek or her hair from time to time. He said, "you are marvelous, you know that? I can't tell which I love more, being inside you or when you take me in your mouth like that."

Susan laughed. "Good thing you don't have to choose just one, then, huh?"

Then she looked more seriously at him. "When you're inside me, or when I'm sucking you, and we're looking into each other's eyes—you know what I'm thinking?"

She laughed again. "Not all the time—I mean, sometimes I'm just really turned-on! But what I'm thinking is, thank you Dan. Thank you for loving me, and for this second chance. And I'm trying to say it with my body, with my mouth on you or my arms around you. Thank you, baby."

He looked away. She watched his face, and waited.

"I still get angry sometimes—very angry, and it scares me."

She waited some more, and finally he said, "it used to be so easy, you know? I just loved you, and I knew you loved me, and that was it. It was easy. No doubts, no worries.

"And now it's not so easy, some of the time. It's hard as hell."

He looked at her, not angrily but seriously. "It hurts so much sometimes, you know? Thinking of you and him. Imagining you with him...in bed, all those times. Thinking of me, not knowing, all that summer, and for nearly three years since then."

She was frightened again, and it took her a long time to ask the question.

"Are you sorry you asked me to come out here with you, Dan?"

"No," he said, smiling down at her. "No, Susan, I'm not. Not even a little bit." He gave her a long, gentle kiss.

"It's just that it's gonna take time, that's all."

"Well," she said, "we have plenty of that. All the time in the world. And you're gonna get all the love in the world from me, too. I promise you that."

"I believe you," he said.

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[Author's Note: Nearly all of this story was written several months ago, so any resemblances to elements in other recently posted stories are coincidental. The original inspiration for this story comes from a wonderful (but quite different) story by juanwildone called "The Tick Bites Again".]