Long after the Game Ch. 01

"It doesn't really matter why I was still there Ryan. What matters is that you were tenacious. You wouldn't give up. You kept at me, asking me out and sending me flowers and things until I gave in. You kept at it tomakeme understand you were worth it. That, in a nutshell, is what I want to do here. If it helps, try and imagine that we never knew each other before. That I'm interested in you and I want to show you why we could be good together."

"Well, that's easy to say, but fifteen years Deanna. What happened. I mean come on..."

She sighed and said, "Ryan, I'm trying my best here. I'm grabbing at straws. Work with me."

I ate some more steak, thinking hard. Did I want to do this? Did I not? What did I feel towards Deanna now? I thought I knew, but this evening had been...confusing. I thought fast, but unfortunately, I ate faster. So I did what I always do in these situations. I fudged.

I finished the last bit of my steak and looked at Deanna. She hadn't eaten another bite and was just staring anxiously at me. "Come on Ryan. Give me a clue here. Cut me some slack," she said.

I rubbed my hands and face with the napkin, stretching it out. Petty, I know. Sue me.

I threw down the napkin and said, coolly "Well, that certainly is a lot to lay on me, Deanna. Not entirely sure what I think yet, to be honest. I'll give you this. It's not a yes, but it's not a no either. Let me think about it and get back to you, ok?"

She bit her lip. She'd evidently wanted a yes right there and then, but at least she wasn't getting a no.

"I guess I'll have to be happy with that then." She was evidently disappointed. "You do understand what a huge risk this is for me, Ryan? Reaching out like this? I know you could shut me down instantly, but I've been working towards this and I just want you to know why. I honestly need you. I need what you are, who you are, you are – or were – my partner, my friend, my lover. You and the kids were my everything. I can't give that up. I just can't. I need you in my life."

I just looked at her, and she could see me doing my best to restrain myself from saying anything hasty. I took a deep breath and said, "I understand. But you've got to understand where I am coming from. As you said, I did nothing wrong, but I'm paying for what you did every fuckin' day."

I hadn't meant to swear, but it just came out. She looked away.

"Deanna, I truly have no idea what I feel right now. I came, I listened, don't push it too hard, ok? Give me some time to think about it." For some reason I reached out and took her hand and squeezed it.

"I understand this must have been hard. I've just been in a very...single person place, and I'm only now starting to come to terms with it. The kids are great, but you know how it is when holidays come around. We aren't a complete family and I'm sure it's worse for you, so you'll know what I'm talking about. I need to think about how this would impact me if said 'Sure' and, god forbid, it worked. Or didn't. It's a hell of an ask, and you know it. But I'm not dismissing it out of hand, ok? Be happy with that for now."

Deanna looked back and squeezed my hand back. I could see a tear in her eye. And I also suddenly realized that, besides the kids, this was the first time a woman had touched me in over three months. And it was nice.

SHIT.