Lost and Found

Tyler wiped his brow then said, "Okay. That sounds really nice."

She finally looked at him, and when she did, she smiled.

"I'll be right back," she told him as she quickly broke eye contact again.

The cold water was most welcome, and Tyler drained his in two long gulps while Alanis sipped hers a little at a time.

An hour later, they'd nearly quadrupled the pile of junk next to the full trash can, and although it wasn't perfect, there was plenty of room to get the car inside and walk around.

"I can come back later and organize the tool chest and..."

"Tyler," she interrupted. "You've already done way, way more than you needed to. So don't feel like you have to...I don't know...dot every 'i' and cross every 't', okay?"

He gave her a look that included a squint then said, "Hey. Are you tryin' to get rid of me?"

When he smiled, Alanis was looking at him, and there was a...feeling. The most pleasant feeling she'd experienced yet.

"No. Not at all. I just don't want you to feel like you have to...take care of me...or something. That's all."

Through feeling guilty, Tyler gave her another look then said, "Okay. I get it. That's the polite way of saying 'don't let the door hit you in the as...rear end...on the way out."

His look and playful words actually made her laugh again, and laughing felt so good it nearly overwhelmed her.

"You okay?" he asked when he thought she was about to get emotional again.

"Yes. I'm fine," she told him as she forced a smile in hopes of proving to him that she was.

"Okay, well...I'll put your car back in the garage then I'll be on my way," he said as he started winding the hose back up.

Alanis picked up what was left of the dirty water in the bucket and dumped it out along the side of house then turned around just as the car started backing up.

When Tyler got out, she was standing there waiting for him, and as he closed the door he asked her if there was something she wanted to say.

"No. Well, maybe," she tried saying. "Actually...yes."

He crossed his arms, and although he was 'posing', his biceps were basically in her face and his thick chest was just above his arms, and Alanis blurted out, "Would you maybe want to have dinner with me sometime?"

Tyler's left eyebrow rose up, and just as quickly she said, "I mean...as a way of saying thank you. You...you've done so much, and I was just thinking it..."

"Yes. The answer is 'yes'," he told her, saving her from herself.

"Oh. Okay. That's...that sounds great," she replied feeling like she was the younger person all of a sudden.

"Just tell me when, okay?"

"I...I have to get to the grocery store, but after that...I think anytime would be okay."

"How long has it been since you've been out?" Tyler asked her. "And I don't mean to the mailbox. I mean...out."

Alanis tried to answer but she couldn't really remember. After several fits and starts, she gave up.

"Too long," Tyler said for her. "So I'm going to stop by and take you out to dinner."

When she tried to tell him that was ridiculous, he 'shushed' her.

"No arguments, young lady. You need a night out. I may not be the best company ever, but for now, at least, you're stuck with me."

He moved a little closer then said, "Got it?"

"Yes," she replied quietly as she swallowed hard. "I...I've got it."

"In fact, you need to get out of here ASAP. As in...tonight."

"Wait. Tonight?"

"Yes. Tonight. I'm afraid if I wait until tomorrow, you might turn back into that other Alanis. You know, the one who never smiles or laughs? The one who looks like she's a shell of her former self?"

"A shell. That's a very apt description, Tyler."

"I've seen you smile several times today, and well, I loved seeing you like that."

"Oh," was all she could think of to say in return.

"Did you know you're really beautiful when you smile?" he asked her as he moved a little closer again.

This time she didn't flinch or step back, but when she looked up at him, she panicked again.

"That's...that's very...sweet of you to say," she told him as she stepped to the side and held up the bucket. "I...I should go rinse this out and put it away."

He handed her the car keys then reached for the bucket.

"I'll take care of that. You go on inside and cool off. Or warm up or whatever works for you. But I'll be back at seven o'clock, and you need to be ready, okay?"

One part of her brain screamed at her to find an excuse to say 'no', but a deeper part told her he was right. She needed to get out of the house, and were she to wait even another day, she could easily fall right back into the horrible depression she'd wallowed around in for two years. Even if she went with him there was no guarantee it wouldn't return, but Alanis couldn't help but feel that if she went, there was a chance she could ward if off for the rest of the day. And if she could keep it at bay for an entire day, maybe she could do it again the following day.

"Okay," she replied, managing a kind of half smile that cause Tyler to smile at her.

"Great. I'll see you then," he said as he took the bucket from her.

Again, he was just inches from her face, and another part of her brain reacted in a way it hadn't in well, that same length of time.

"Wait," she said as he turned away.

He stopped, turned back around and smiled again and waited for her to say something.

"What...what should I wear?"

"Clothes," he told her without hesitation and with a straight face before turning away again.

"That...that was MEAN!" she called out.

He raised his hand then said, "Seven o'clock. Dinner. You and me."

Alanis was unaware she was smiling as she walked inside, but she was very aware it felt wonderful as she stepped into a clean house for the first time in...

She realized that almost everything in her life was measured by that same two-year period of time. There was Aria and...not Aria. Sort of like BC and AD where the calendar was concerned. And as much as she still loved and missed her daughter, she was so weary of saying 'two years ago' or 'a couple of years ago'. So much so, she promised to use an ellipsis, a series of dots, in her mind whenever that phrase needed to be said.

"Wow. This really looks...and feels...amazing," she said as she admired the change, aware that she was still feeling better.

And when she remembered she was going out for the first time in...she felt her mood improve a little more. As Alanis thought about this change in attitude, she realized she'd been talking to herself. Not in the 'you're losing it' sense, but the way she always had in the past. She was actually 'talking to herself' in the sense of having an internal conversation instead of just 'emoting' like she had for...

She wasn't quite sure how to explain that, but she continued having this 'conversation in her head' with herself non-stop. It didn't seem to matter what she 'talked' about in her head as long as she actually 'said' the words in real time to herself.

So when she ran out of meaningful things to say, she made them up. She'd just look at something and start talking about it.

"Oh, look! There's a lamp. A lamp has a light bulb, a shade, and a..."

Anytime she let up for even a second, the 'acid' of negative thought began eating its way into her better mood, so she started talking again and it backed off. Perhaps it was nothing more than a way of preventing herself from just 'oozing negativity'; negativity she'd internalized since finding Aria's crumpled body on the bedroom floor. And for the first time in...even that thought didn't bring her down as she talked herself through those events rather than 'emoting them'.

"And then I walked into the bedroom and I saw her laying there. And then I found the pill bottle with nothing in it. That was the most frightening thing I've ever experienced, but I walked over and I..."

Alanis had no way of knowing whether this would help in the long run or if it was some kind of mental gimmick, but like her first inkling of feeling better earlier that morning, she didn't really care. All she did care about was keeping this going at any cost.

By the time she got ready to go, she felt mentally exhausted from having to remind herself every single second to keep 'talking', but she couldn't risk taking a break and 'emoting' again; not even for a single second. She had to actually say the words one at a time to herself without interruption, and it was exhausting. But exhausting or not, it was still working as she tried to decide what to wear as the self-talk continued.

"Clothes. That's what Tyler said I'm wearing tonight—clothes. When he takes me out to wherever we're going, which doesn't matter because the main thing is getting out and just going," she remembered as she thumbed through the things she hadn't worn in...

"Keep talking," she told herself as she continued flipping the hangers from right to left.

"Hello, blue dress. I bought you four years ago at Nordstroms, and those black shoes over there go with you quite nicely, but I don't have a purse that goes with them so I'll..."

As she rejected item after item, Alanis had to deal with her having lost nearly ten pounds, and that was from her size 6 days, and that meant virtually nothing she had still fit. At least not anything she didn't have to cinch up or wear baggy.

And then she remembered buying a dress that was a little tight just before...and wondered if it might possibly fit now. To her great surprise, it was just the slightest bit loose on her but still looked quite nice.

It was white and sleeveless—not exactly perfect for February even though no one really paid any attention to the old rule about not wearing white after Labor Day any more. Not even in the South.

She carefully laid it on the bed then showered and dried off before experiencing another first since...when she blow dried her hair.

As it fell to the middle of her back, she looked at it the mirror and decided she kind of liked it. It needed a trim to even it up, but it was shiny and silky, and although she hadn't consciously chosen to grow it out, she liked the way it looked and decided to keep it long for at least the foreseeable future.

Another longtime first was putting on makeup. She'd done it several thousand times before, but Alanis stood there looking at the same things she hadn't used in so long she had to stop and think about what to do first.

"Just keep talking," she said as she spoke the process of applying foundation word for word as she did it and kept doing it until she was ready to paint her lips for the first time in...

Other than trimming her hair, Alanis noticed two things about herself she'd change if she could. Her nails were a ragged mess, so she trimmed them and filed them before putting on a coat of sheer gloss that matched her lips. She needed a manicure in the worst way, but that was one of dozens of things she couldn't even think of, let alone do, since...

The other was her arms. They were thin like little fleshy pipes. Gone was all the tone she'd had from doing Cross Fit, and the only plus was that there wasn't an ounce of fat there, either. The good news was she could always hide her arms under a sweater, but what was the sense of wearing a sleeveless dress if she was going to add sleeves?

"Staying warm when you're as bony as a skeleton," she told herself as she pulled out a cardigan she hadn't worn in...

Suddenly, Alanis became aware that she hadn't had a single negative thought in several hours. This 'self talk' thing really did seem to be working. It was like a kind of force field that was pushing back against the 'acid' that desperately wanted to be released and destroy her sense of calm and put her back in bed.

And once that realization hit her, she swore she would never stop talking to herself again. From the moment she woke up until she fell asleep, she would talk. If she woke up in the middle of the night, she wouldn't lay there and 'feel'. She would talk about something. Anything. Anything to prevent the poison from seeping back into her brain and destroying this wonderful sense of...feeling alive again.

At 6:45, Alanis slipped into a pair of white heels and grabbed a matching purse she sat on the kitchen counter with the thin sweater draped over it as she waited for Tyler. And for the first time she wondered how she'd agreed to go out with someone who was essentially still a boy. Not legally, of course, but he was only about three years older, give or take a few months, than Aria.

She stopped thinking about it when her daughter's name came to mind and stepped up the self talk instead.

"Okay. You're just going out to eat somewhere. You need to eat, so it's no big deal. People have to eat to stay alive, and your arms are super thin, so this is a very good thing. In fact, your whole body looks emaciated so eating something decent will be very smart, and..."

The doorbell interrupted her internal dialogue and also caused her to flinch. It was ironic that someone who was so depressed could be startled so easily, but that was often true with severely depressed people. But the startle response quickly faded, and Alanis found herself smiling this time as she opened the door.

Tyler stood there for a couple of seconds which was long enough for Alanis to feel self-conscious, certain she looked awful. She almost asked, "What is it?" when he finally spoke.

"Just...wow."

"What? You...you mean you...like it?" she asked, her eyebrows raised in hopeful expectation.

"Yeah. I mean, what's not to like? You look...beautiful, Alanis."

A pleasant warmth washed through her body beginning in a place she'd forgotten existed as she thanked him and invited him back inside.

"Again...wow," he said, this time referring to the house which was clean and put away.

"The 'wow' goes to you, Tyler," she told him. "And again, thank you so much."

"Oh, no. It was my pleasure. I had an amazing time helping out."

"You call washing dishes and mowing the lawn 'amazing'?" she asked with a warm smile.

He ignored her question and said, "You see. You really are beautiful when you smile."

That same warm feeling returned, but so did the same kind of mild panic she'd experienced before.

"Would you um...maybe like a drink before we go?"

"No. No, thank you. But you go ahead if you'd like."

"I haven't touched a drop since..."

Not wanting to let her go down that road, Tyler smiled and shifted gears slightly.

"As I said, I'm really into diet and fitness, so alcohol doesn't really have any place in my life. I'm not against someone having a drink, I'm just against that someone being me," he told her with a smile of his own.

"No, I understand. I was heavily into Cross Fit before..."

Somehow she managed to say, "Before Aria died."

And even as she said it, she kept the self-talk going, and to her great relief, mentioning her daughter's passing didn't suck her back into the abyss of darkness.

"I didn't know that. I have to be honest and say I noticed how um...fit...you were, but Cross Fit? That's a killer workout. Actually, all of them are killers."

"I absolutely loved it," she told him. "It took me a couple of months of slowly getting into resistance training, but after using light weights and getting my cardio up to speed, an instructor at the gym asked me if I'd be interested in giving Cross Fit a try. I had no idea what it even was, but I went with him to a room where a group of people were doing various routines, and I was drawn to it like a magnet."

And then she remembered just how attractive this younger fitness instructor was, and although she'd had no interest in him whatsoever at the time, she realized he'd been a kind of muse for her renewed interest in lovemaking. Sadly, her husband's interest in that subject had also been peaked, it just hadn't included his wife.

"Swimming is my lifeblood," Tyler told her. "I've been doing a mile a day for nearly two years now after working up to it."

"Ah, so that explains the surfer-dude body," Alanis said, feeling a little embarrassed at having said it.

"I'm flattered you noticed. I honestly didn't think you had."

"I'm old, Tyler, not blind," she teased as she also noticed the very blonde hair that only added to the stereotype.

"Old? You're not old at all. You're...beautiful."

His playfulness was completely gone, and the way he said that was such that the warmth she'd been feeling became a torrent of emotion. She looked away so fast it surprised Tyler who saw her reaching for her purse.

"We...we should probably get going, don't you think?" she asked without so much as turning his way.

"Yeah. Sure. We can leave now," Tyler told her, certain he'd crossed some sort of line.

He opened the front door and then the car door for her, and Alanis thanked him both times.

When he got in, he started the car and turned on turned the heat on low then sat there for a moment causing Alanis to ask if everything was okay.

He looked over at her then said, "It was pretty obvious I offended you, and I just want to apologize."

"What? Offended me? How?" she asked with genuine uncertainty.

"Wait. I...I didn't offend you?"

"I'm confused, Tyler. You've been nothing but a perfect gentleman, so I have no idea how you could even think you said something offensive."

"When I told you how beautiful you are, you turned away so fast I was sure you found that...I don't know—disgusting?"

"Okay. Hold on," Alanis replied. "You took that as me being disgusted?"

"Well, yeah. I...I kinda did. I think it came across as me being some kind of...kid in your eyes, and you turned away rather than put me in my place."

Now it was Alanis who just sat there and stared.

"Alanis? Are you upset?" Tyler asked, fearing he'd just poured salt in the wound.

"Tyler, I'm a 35 year-old woman who's been deeply depressed for over two years. Today is the first day I've felt alive in all that time, and all of that—every bit of it—is directly due to you and your thoughtfulness. So when a...young man your age tells me I'm beautiful, especially a young man as attractive as you, it makes me feel..."

When she didn't finish Tyler still assumed the worst.

"Well, if I did say something inappropriate, I hope you'll forgive me."

"You didn't say anything wrong, Tyler. In fact, you said everything right. The truth is I...I longed to hear my husband say those things for years. But even after a year in the gym he barely even noticed me. So please, don't beat yourself up for making a middle-aged woman feel good about herself, okay?"

Feeling a huge wave of relief wash over him, Tyler finally smiled again.

"I noticed you, Alanis, and, well...the truth is I...I had a huge crush on you back then."

"Hold on. You saw me just that one time, and you...had a crush? On me?"

"Oh. Big time," Tyler let her know.

"Oh, my goodness. I...I had no idea."

"I've learned not to go blurting out things I'm thinking," he told her with a smile. "But you..."

"Yes?" she asked.

"Well, you...you make it very hard for me not to do that."

After several more seconds of silence, Tyler put the car in reverse and backed out.

"Is Italian okay?" he asked as he put the car in gear.

"I haven't had a real meal in...a very long time, Tyler, so yes, Italian is fine. Anything not in a bag or from a can will be perfect," she assured him.

He pulled into the parking lot of a place called Villa Tronco, a very nice little restaurant she remembered from some three ago when she and Aria had lunch there one day. That thought 'released acid' and Alanis immediately began talking. Out loud.

"What was that?" Tyler asked.

"Oh, my gosh. I...had no idea I was actually talking out loud," she told him.

Tyler laughed then told her, "You most definitely were."

As they sat there for a few moments she tried to explain this 'self-talk' thing.