Marriage in Flames

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Was it fair that he cheated on her over and over and over?
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Did you ever have someone push your buttons to the point that you were staring into the face of doing something you'd never thought you would do?

Well, that's where I am right now, staring at three cans of gasoline that I'm getting ready to load into the trunk of my car. I can't believe I let him push me to the point that I'm willing to take this chance.

Yes I can. I should have known better, I should have realized that he would pull this on me. It wasn't the first time, not even the second. The only excuse that I could offer as to why I kept letting him do it was love.

Stupid excuses. I'm beginning to wonder if there actually is such a thing as love. I mean, if you think about it, I gave up cigarettes and it about killed me, maybe love is just an addiction like that. No, I didn't think my heart was being yanked out of my chest through my toes when I quit smoking but it did hurt and it was hard.

Anyway, on to the reason I'm standing outside my home at 2 am, my two beautiful little girls sound asleep in their beds, staring at this gasoline. His name, Colin.

I met Colin when I was 24 years old. I was in the process of a divorce from my first husband, a man who thought that wife and punching bag were one and the same. I'd walked out on him, my nine month old daughter in my arms, and began the long process of finding my self esteem once more. It wasn't easy, considering he had his friends following me, calling me at all hours with creepy threats, knocking on my windows while I huddled on the floor in my daughter's bedroom, trying not to scream.

He killed my dog, leaving it for me to find, tried to run me off the road, and when that didn't work, tried to terrify me with notes left everywhere, even inside of my house. I became almost a prisoner in my home, scared to go anywhere. I was trapped there, until my mother offered to send me back to college to finish up my degree.

Now why did that make a difference? Well, I was getting out, meeting people, going back to the college I had started at before I'd gotten married the first time. And I loved going to school. So I went back amid all the 18 and 19 year olds, feeling ancient at 24.

I made friends, I gained more confidence, and my first husband's domination over me slowly evaporated. When I quit fearing him so much, he seemed to stop doing half of what he'd been doing. I still got the calls and the knocks on the windows. But I wasn't as scared as that was all they were, attempts to scare me.

I met Colin a third of the way through the spring semester. He was taking a nap at his friend's apartment, working nights and going to school during the day, he slept where he could. His friend was my friend's brother, and I happened to have given her a ride home that day. She invited me in, thinking she could set something up between her brother and I.

I saw Colin, lying in another man's bed, a stupid yellow Hawaiian shirt on and it was like getting slapped in the face. I managed to make somewhat intelligible conversation and the left quickly. He bothered me, besides being really cute, he was smart and funny. And he seemed attracted to me.

Now, I'm no dog, being five seven, around one hundred and thirty pounds with dishwater blonde hair that I kept cut pretty short and big gray eyes that have always been one of my best features. I'd worked hard to lose the weight I gained during my pregnancy, mostly because my first husband would beat me if he thought I'd been eating too much. And the habits that were so well learned during my short time as his wife, well, they were hard to unlearn.

But, I was five years older, married and getting divorced with a kid. What nineteen year old college boy wants to get involved with that?

Colin did. He found me the next day and started a slow and gentle campaign to win my heart. He was always careful not to scare me, never even wrestling with me until I became comfortable with him. He was understanding and sweet and so totally different from the man that I had married before, I was seeing little cartoon hearts fluttering around my eyes before we'd dated over two months.

And he seemed to feel the same way, asking me to marry him before that two month time period. I quickly said, no way in hell, which he laughed at and told me that he'd wait. He moved in with me, even though he had his own house, which his older sister was now living in. And, as soon as he did, the threats stopped, the noises and phone calls quit. I felt like God had opened up a tiny piece of heaven just for me.

Colin took on knight in shining armor status, especially with my daughter. She loved him, climbing on his lap, bring her books and her blankets and then settling in to be read to. She listened to him better than she did me and she started calling him "Da".

We had an amazing sex life, long marathon sessions where he'd have me panting and feeling the next day as if I'd taken advanced Yoga and learned to wrap my ankles behind my head. I actually think we tried that one time. Sex with him was wonderful and inventive and he always wanted me to be myself, to enjoy what we did.

Colin's parents lived a couple hours drive south from where we were living and he'd take weekends and go down to visit, occasionally taking me with him. I loved his family; they opened up their hearts to me and to Cassie, my daughter. I thought there would be tension, the married woman their son was sleeping with, the one with the daughter who wasn't even divorced yet. And on top of that, I was five years older than him. But instead, there was acceptance as Colin's girlfriend. And Cassie earned herself a new pair of grandparents.

I helped Colin find a job after he graduated college, using my secretarial skills to write him a cover letter and a resume and sending them throughout the entire state of Michigan. He'd graduated with a degree in Criminal Justice, passing everything with straight As. And the job interviews started flooding in. He went everywhere, from Marquette, all the way at the top of the upper peninsula, to Adrian, down by the Ohio/Michigan border.

Finally, he was offered a job in the Upper Peninsula and we decided he should take it. He went, begging me to come up there with him. When I agreed, which meant selling my house, leaving my family and moving three hundred miles from everything I knew, he decided we should get married. We'd been living together for over a year, my divorce was finally going to be finalized, after as much hemming and hawing as my first husband could do, and the man I loved was moving away. What could I say but yes?

In six weeks time I put together a wedding. It wasn't big long beautiful dresses and tuxes, doves being let loose at the "I dos", bands and caterers. It was family and friends, a small reception held in an old school house with a DJ. We spent our honeymoon at a Holiday Inn where I used to party when I was younger. And when the three days were up, he went back up north and I started the daunting process of packing and getting ready to move six hours away.

The move went pretty smoothly, considering that it could have been worse. We found a two bedroom apartment and I settled in to be his wife. He didn't want me to work because we'd talked about having kids right away. So two months after the wedding, I threw away the birth control pills and we started having hot monkey sex anytime we could. It was incredible, three or four times a night, and if he was working nights, nap times for Cassie were spent heating up the sheets.

Our daughter, Katie, was born five days after our first anniversary. We bought a house and moved in, Colin worked as a city policeman. He'd work four days, have three days off, work five days have two days off and then work five days and have either four or six days off depending upon the month. But he had to work a week of days, a week of evenings and a week of midnights every month.

When he would be working midnights I had to keep the kids quiet so he could sleep during the day. Anyone who's been around children knows how hard that can be with a toddler and a five year old. I started going down to see my mom and dad for a few days every month, taking the kids and usually the dog, with me. That gave Colin his sleep and gave my parents time with their grandchildren whom they both loved.

It wasn't a perfect existence; we fought, usually over money and bills. But then again, what couple doesn't fight over those things. Colin once showed me an article that stated that most married fights were either about the children or money. And we did both. But beside that, I thought we were pretty happy. I adjusted to his schedule, making sure meals were ready when he'd come home for dinner or get up to get ready for work. His days off, we spent mostly together except for special occasions such as deer hunting season.

Then I started getting the phone calls.

"Hello."

"Yes, could I speak to Colin please," a strange woman's voice, no one I knew.

"I'm sorry, he isn't home right now. Could I take a message?"

"Is he at work?"

"Yes, he'll be home in about an hour for dinner if you'd like to have him give you a call back."

"Ahhh, who is this?"

"This is his wife."

Silence for a moment.

"Ahh, no, I'll get a hold of him later."

And the line would go dead.

The first call I laughed off. Somebody from work, the courthouse maybe on a court case, it could have been anyone. It'd happened before. Colin was a cop; he had a lot of responsibilities. He took his job and his family life seriously. He wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that.

Or would he?

I got another call a few weeks later. This time the girl actually said she was from the courthouse. That might have worked at dismissing any misgivings that I had except she'd called on a Saturday. I may have been an innocent wife, but not even I was going to let that slip.

I asked him.

Now, maybe I was naïve. I've always been taught that if you can't have faith and trust in your husband then who can you That faith had been betrayed once, and in violent and terrible ways. But Colin had never hurt me, he'd never struck me or called me a slut or whore. He'd never belittled me in front of the children or dragged me into my daughter's bedroom by my hair and raped me in front of her. He'd always been respectful and I thought, honest.

He told me about how the guys go to this coffee shop every night for coffee. How there was one of the workers there who flirted with him, even after he told her he was married and not interested. And then he proceeded to tell me how his partner, Chris had given the girl our phone number.

I'd had a hard time believing that Chris would do something like that, only having just gotten married himself, but I'd been taught, believe and have faith in your husband.

A few months went by and there were no more calls. I let things go thinking that maybe it had all happened as Colin had said.

He was working an afternoon shift and it was late summer just starting to turn colder. The leaves were changing colors, the apples were attracting the deer to come down from the hills around us and eat right out of our side yard. It was one of my favorite times up there. Cold enough for sweaters, warm enough to enjoy the outside.

Colin was working an afternoon shift and I heard him stirring upstairs. I went into the kitchen and heated him up some soup and made him a sandwich. He came downstairs and gave me a kiss and then there was a knock at the door. Colin answered it and went outside, still dressed in his bathrobe.

I looked out the window and saw him sitting in this car. I didn't know the man in the driver seat but that was okay, there were a lot of people that he worked with that I didn't know. After an hour and a half, I put a lid on the soup kettle and wrapped up his sandwich and then sat inside and waited.

I put Barney on for the kids, dealing with the too sweet, dopey lyrics as Cassie sang along and Katie cooed and ahhed at the TV. I found myself pacing a trail into the floor, from the family room with the girls to the kitchen window where I could see Colin sitting outside. Finally, I heard the dog barking and heard Colin open the door. I got up and went to him.

"Everything okay?"

He smiled but his face looked a little green, and his eyes didn't smile. He took my hand and led me into the living room away from the kids where they were still watching Barney.

"Kelly," he said slowly, sitting down on the footstool of the chair I was sitting in and grabbing my hand. "I'm not sure how to go about telling you this."

"Just tell me, Colin." I tried to sound calm but inside I was scared. I had this feeling that my entire world was about to burst into flames.

"That man that was just here, he is a detective with the Sheriff's department. He came to tell me about some charges that are being brought against me."

"Charges? What kind of charges?" My mind was flying over the past few weeks of his work, trying to remember any incident that he had told me about that could have caused this.

"Assault charges, Kelly." He kissed the back of my hand and stared into my eyes. "I need you to listen to me, baby. Listen carefully."

"Okay."

"About a week ago, I was on my way up to the Big Boy in town to get a cup of coffee; I was supposed to meet a couple of the other guys up there. I happened to see one of the waitresses from the restaurant pulling into her driveway. She had the game cheat sheets on that new game we bought and said I could borrow them, remember, I told you about that?"

I nodded, not seeing how this could add up to assault.

"Well, I pulled in behind her and we talked and she said she'd get them for me, invited me in. So I went. She handed me the sheets and I was about ready to leave when I saw her cat, which started rubbing around my legs. I stooped down to pet the cat and lost my balance. I reached out and grabbed the first thing to keep from falling, and it was her leg."

"You grabbed her leg," I said slowly. "Grabbed it where?"

He reached out and grabbed a hold of my calf, just below my knee. "Like this."

"Okay, and?" I stared at him confused.

"Well, she told her boyfriend that I grabbed her and he made her take it to the chief. But she told a few lies. She said that I came on to her, that I didn't grab her calf but her thigh and ran my hand all the way up to her crotch." His eyes never left my face.

"Why would she say those things?"

"I don't know for sure." He sat back and ran his hand through his hair. "I can only figure it's because of her boyfriend. I busted him for possession. Maybe this is his way of getting even."

"So did you tell them this?"

He sighed and I felt another nail being taken out of the foundation of our home life. "It's not that easy, Kel. She's throwing a fit and wants to press charges. I've been given a choice of what I can do."

He shut up and looked away from me. I could see his eyes, how upset he was and I vowed to stand behind him. "So what are we going to do, honey?" I asked softly.

He turned back to me and stared as if stunned. "We?" he asked.

"Yeah, we are kind of in this together. I mean, for better or for worse, right?"

Colin leaned forward and gave me a huge hug. When he leaned back, he whispered in my ear. "Thank you."

I smiled. "So what are our choices?"

"Well," he said, sighing deeply. "We can stay; I go on leave pending court findings. I get arrested, we have to come up with money for an attorney and we stay and fight this."

"Or?"

"I resign, effective immediately."

I sat back in the chair, my mind in turmoil. Lawyers, court hearings, accusations. Would he be able to work here when this whole thing was finished? Would this scandal ruin his career here? And what about the kids? What would happen at Cassie's school?"

But on the other end of it, where would they go? What would they do?

"And what do you want to do, honey?" I waited, holding my breath silently to find out what our future would hold.

"I think I should resign," he said softly.

A surge of resentment filled me, not for him, but for the woman who was causing our problems. There was no way my good and decent husband could have caused the kind of things that this woman was saying and now, because of her, my children and my husband and I were looking at an uncertain future.

Colin reached out and touched my hand gently, making me realize that I was clenching my fist so hard my knuckles were white. "Honey?" he asked quietly.

"Yes, I don't want you arrested. Resign and we'll just have to make a plan." I looked up at him, sitting on the footstool in his old ratty green bathrobe that I'd never been able to get him to get rid of. "Who is this woman?"

He knew me well and started shaking his head as soon as I asked. "No, Kelly. No way. You can't go near her. It would just get me in worse trouble." He grabbed my hands in both of his. "Promise me you'll stay away from her."

I promised, but I did it resentfully. I couldn't help but want some revenge on this woman who was lying, who was hurting my family. Instead, I forced myself to pack, going through kids clothing, toys, books, everything we owned with an eye to the fact that we wouldn't have a huge three bedroom house to live in anymore. We would have to downsize drastically, putting our possessions that we couldn't fit into our new home into storage.

Our new home? After much debating with parents, his and mine, we decided to live in a travel trailer for the time being. It was parked outside my in-laws home, sewage, water and electricity being provided by them. We even tapped into their phone line. We moved the two girls, our two dogs and one cat and my husband and I into this tiny trailer.

It was a tight fit, the four of us, Cassie was a first grader and Katie was almost three and a half. All I can say is thank God for Barney and Legos. Katie would watch TV, a Barney tape and play with those Legos until her sister got home from school. It was cold in the winter, but we laughed about it. Colin and I would play rock, papers, scissors to see who would have to get in bed first to warm it up. Shoes froze next to the door and stuck to the carpeting. The cat found out that she could sneak under our covers and get between us and sleep under all the blankets.

But we managed. Colin got different jobs, nothing lasting really long as he tried to find a place he fit. We sold one of our two cars, and had the money from his pension plan that they cashed out for him. I cut coupons and learned to make things stretch. We paid the payment on the trailer, our phone, heat and electric bill and gave my mother-in-law a little money every month for other things.

Then my father got very ill. He had a heart attack earlier and had a quadruple by-pass done. He never really recovered from it. He seemed to get sicker and sicker until they finally had to rush him in for emergency surgery when his gall bladder went bad. He had problems with his breathing, and had problems walking further than the bathroom and back to his chair.

I got the phone call that we'd better get up there if we'd wanted to say good-bye. And we flew over the roads. A trip that would usually take almost two hours, we made in just a little over one. We got to the hospital and the doctors said they'd pulled him through another bad patch. I remember looking in my sister's eyes and thinking, what's next?

We sold the house. We had to go back up north and sign the papers. Colin and I left the girls with his mother and started the trip. Since we'd be going right by the town where my dad was in the hospital, I asked if we could stop and see him.

When we got there, we were running late, and I told Colin to forget it, we could stop on our way home tomorrow, since we'd be spending the night in a hotel before signing the papers in the morning. Dad would be home then, from what mom said and we could stop there and visit with them.