- How To
- Marriage Material?
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You see him across a crowded room, your eyes meet and there are sparks. You spend the night in childish flirtations and innuendo and finally both have to admit that the chemistry is there and go home together for a night of wild abandonment.
After a quick morning romp and you're out of there, on your way to work. What happens next is totally dependent on whether one or both of you are looking for a relationship and what type of relationship that might be. Sure you don't have to make a life decision based on one night but whether there is a second date or not is definitely in both of your minds.
Take for example the newsflash that apparently Pippa Middleton isn't "marriage material". According to her former boyfriend Alex Loudon (and the ever-reliable Murdoch Media Corporation), this Middleton sister isn't the type of girl a man wants to marry or spend the rest of his life with. For a man to say this about one of the most eligible women on the planet seems rather at odds with what we've long been hearing: that Pippa is different; a breath of fresh air from the bimboesque types; someone special, someone classy. Maybe that isn't his thing, but from what I know, that is exactly the type that men usually see as long term relationship material, if not marriage material.
But, with the media circus surrounding her, being in the media spotlight is apparently not something Loudon wants to get involved with for the long term. So herein lies the question: what type of women are unsuitable to marry? Is it in the eye of the beholder? Or is there a general rule? And, more importantly, what type of man should one refrain from clinging on to as if they're the last eligible man on the planet?
The other day I came across an article in the Huffington Post , by Chiara Atik, which claimed that when it comes to the flip side - women looking for men who are indeed "marriage material" - there are seven types of men who definitely do not fall into this category.
While my recent dating experiences may be quite different from that of my friends, being that I am submissive, I rather liked this turn-about on men, women are so readily criticised in the media as too plain, too big, too mousy, too ballsy, too, too, too. It seemed that similar stereotypes were being placed on the other gender as well in more recent times. While this type of stereotyping had less to do with looks than personality it boiled down to the same thing: Potential as a mate for life.
Let's face it, when a woman or a man for that matter turns thirty or even forty thinking they are never going to find that special someone to settle down with, let alone share a seafood platter for two with, the rose coloured glasses become a permanent fixture in their outlook on potential partners. Often the relationships they pursue have their partners meeting very few of their wants and needs in a life partner and ending up pear shaped when the rose coloured glasses eventually lose their power.
I am thinking of my best friend as I write this, who, feeling like she was starting to dig at the bottom of the barrel, and letting anything with male anatomy into her life, giving them not only second chances but third and fourth chances, when they clearly didn't deserve it because she felt she couldn't be so picky anymore!
So, in an attempt to warn the women who are feeling a bit desperate (and spark some interesting comments), here are the seven examples of men who won't make you happy (from that news article by Atik), with my comments and thoughts below. See what you think ...
*
"The Man Who Hates His Job"
It's true that the job maketh the man. And when a man is unhappy in his job, career path or with the amount of money he's earning, things aren't going to be pretty when it comes to your burgeoning romantic relationship. Either he won't want to commit any time soon (or at least till he gets things sorted out at work) or, when he's had a bad day (which will be more often than not), he'll take out his aggression on you. On the other hand, a little support, encouragement and inspiration from a girlfriend or partner can go a long way, if you can stand being in the line of fire ...
"The Man Who's Obsessed With His Mother"
Atik says that there isn't enough room in a relationship for you, him and his mother, and yet I've dated a few men who are indeed obsessed with their mothers and, in my books, there's not really anything too wrong about this. I think the big problem is when the mothers are obsessed with their sons.
There are many surveys available online that will show that this is more common than you think. When it comes to these types of MILs, I'm sure you know the drill: no woman (including you) is ever going to be good enough for their precious son. Everything from the furniture in your house to your future kids' names will need to be approved, changed and manipulated by her, and she will be hell bent on making your life a living hell.
As long as your man stands up to his mother and makes you his priority, there's nothing much to fear about this. It really is more common than you think.
"The Man Who Needs To Be Admired"
Having dated my fair share of men who "need" to be admired by every woman on the planet -- whether it be the waitress, his hot work colleague, his ex-girlfriend and any woman really -- I know all too well that this means that you will be always left feeling like second best and of little significance in his life. He's got more women on his speed dial than Charlie Sheen and, while he's busy flirting with the waitress/bar tender/shop assistant, you're left sitting there with a look of chagrin and resentment on your face.
Which is all fine and good, especially considering this type of man doesn't usually cheat on you. The trouble is these sorts of men never change. So unless you want to be constantly faced with competition who may want to attempt to put a wedge in your relationship, you might want to find someone who is a little less desperate for so much attention.
"The Man Who Has Friends You Never Meet"
While I've yet to date a man who refuses to introduce me to his friends, I can see how this might be a man you do not want to fall in love with. I often meet a man's friends pretty early on to gauge whether or not a) he's a good guy and b) if they are aware that I'm even in the picture. But him never letting you meet his friends? Now that's just plain creepy.
I would even go so far as to suggest that you have let yourself become a mistress unknowingly. Be prepared to sneak around for your entire relationship. Or worse yet suffer the indignity of finding out he is embarrassed to admit he is dating you. If he can't introduce you to his friends, or family, I would suggest you run away as fast as you can. Or make peace with the fact that you can never truly be a part of his life in its entirety.
"The Man Who Wants To Rescue You"
I disagree. Every bloke likes to be the knight in shining armour and to be the one to "rescue" their girlfriend should she run into trouble. It's in a man's DNA. And if a man isn't ready to step up and help out when he's needed, he's not worth his testosterone.
As with all things though there are limits, and I understand the average woman's aversion to finding that their independence has been curtailed in favour of a partner who knows best. Personally, as a submissive I don't mind this but I realise it is not in everyone's life path.
"The Man Who Puts Work First"
This one can definitely be a bit of an issue but be aware that it's all about timing. If he's at the beginning of his career and he's working his way up the corporate ladder, good for him! Be supportive, enjoy it and revel in his success alongside him. If, on the other hand, he's nowhere near at the beginning of his career and he's married to his work with no time to court you, date you or help you when you're in need, you might want to rethink whether this is really the right relationship for you.
Every woman needs to feel that they are the priority for their man (within reason). Having him taken away from you by his work can be worse than him having a mistress that you would be fully justified in hating, and ranting and raving over, his career on the other hand is something you should be able to support without resenting the amount of time it takes from your relationship.
"The Man Who Can't Believe You Picked Him"
I love this sort of man! True, sometimes their insecurities can get in the way of them having a good time, but wouldn't you rather be with a man who adored and appreciated you than one who had every other option under the sun and couldn't give two hoots about the fact that he's with you?
The man you're with should think you're the ultimate catch and thank his lucky stars every day that he's caught a woman as wonderful as you. And if he turns around and tells you that you're not "relationship/marriage material", forget him. He simply wasn't the right man for you in the first place ... I know that's easier said than done but you have to ask yourself why would you waste time or energy on someone who never saw you as a long term prospect.
*****
Whether you are looking for a partner who will treat you as an equal, or whether you are dominant or submissive, you deserve to find someone who wants to make you his priority in their life. Atik put forward that the above seven types of men should be avoided at all costs, if it is a long term relationship you are after. I can see why she has highlighted these types as she has but it does not necessarily mean that I agree with them.
What do you think?
- COMMENTS
No1_OfConsequenceabout 2 years agoFor context, it is the spring of 2022. Russia and Ukraine have been at war for about three weeks, and COVID hysteria is finally coming to an end (mostly). Obviously many in government are trying to keep it going, but that has nothing to do with my points here.
The current dating landscape is Hell, for just about everyone.
What can be done about this? Here are some of my opinions.
First, the balance of power is thus: Women control access to sex. Men control access to relationships.
Second, the male/female dynamic is thus: She respects him/he loves her, and while the cycle may hiccup every once in a while, as long as it continues the relationship will grow and thrive.
-Men: Invest in yourself first. Get confident, be assertive, and take charge of your life. A harmless man is not a good man. Get dangerous, and control that. You need to be able to take on life in all areas, including violence.
Stop giving attention to all these thirst-trapping ladies on Instagram, TikTok, Tinder, Tumblr, and where ever else they are lurking. Stop taking criticism from "boss babes" and "modern, independent women" who are approaching 30 (or older) and have at least one divorce and kids under their belt. Yes, she may be a smoke show, but she is not going to be into you unless you're tall, have abs, and a six-figure (at least!) bank account.
Scientifically speaking, about 5% of men in any given bracket get 80% of female attention. So, work on getting into the best shape you can on every level you can. You'll be happier, healthier, more independent, and more confident.
Don't put up with toxic behavior, set boundaries, enforce those boundaries, and stick to sensible ground rules you've laid out for yourself.
Just as you don't let her play games with you, do not play games with her. Be honest, with her and yourself, and don't settle for less than what you want. This requires you to know (or at least have a really solid idea of) what you want, and communicate that effectively to a woman you're interested in having a relationship with.
DO NOT fall into the trap of the "high-value male" as described in many online outlets! The majority of it is surface-level crap that is both materialistic and unrealistic. Absolutely get your life and health in order, but leave the rest of that toxic crap alone.
The Hot/Crazy Matrix is real, and you should keep those priciples in mind.
-Ladies: Society has spent the last 60 years (in some ways 110 or so years) or so lying to you. Straight up lying, and doing it with purpose and passion to manipulate you for various ends.
Many of the women behind the original Cosmopolitan magazine have come out and admitted it with great regret and are begging for forgiveness.
What lies, you ask?
-Lie number one: You're a victim and male-driven society has spent forever keeping you down because "The Patriarchy!"
What makes this a lie? Crack open a history book NOT written by a Communist/Socialist, and you'll see that women are the drivers of civilization, progress, and culture. Women civilize men, because men want a familiy and to pass on their genes. Men can not do this without the cooperation of women, and thus the balance of power throughout Western Civilization came to be. Our current modern world was built by men for the benefit of women and children.
If you'd like to experience what a real patriarchy is like, I can suggest Saudi Arabia, Iran, Afghanistan, Mali, Bangladesh, and many other garden spots for your enjoyment. Travel at your own very considerable risk!
Yes, there are men who treat women poorly. There is an entire pop culture segment based on treating women like so many slabs of meat and being proud of it. And perversely women are participating in this as well! They make a tidy profit doing so too! The lie that society is out to get women and oppress them remains a lie.
-Lie number two: You can have just as much fun as a man "hooking up" and no one can judge you!
This is a lie for a few reasons. Reason one is that a man looking for a wife isn't looking to go where everyone has gone before. Reason two is that women won't like you around their potential dating pool and REALLY won't like you around their men. Reason number three is that is most cases you will end up not having a very high opinion of yourself. It's all fun and games in your twenties, but being all alone at thirty plus, as all the guys you had fun with pick any other girl but you and the party scene still focuses on the twenty somethings that are better looking and more nubile than you are, isn't a lot of fun. TikTok and other spaces are full of these women, and some of them are very pretty, but will remain alone.
Reason number four is your basic human female nature. Women were not built mentally and emotionally for casual sex, and healthy women recognize this.
-Lie number three: Toxic behavior is empowering! Yasss Queen!!
No. Just so much nope. The "Golden Rule" applies, as do the laws of attraction. If you feel a sense of enjoyment at belittling others, behaving like a Junior Highschool bully, or generally acting like an entitled jerk, you will get what you deserve. Left alone to rot with your tribe of semi feral cats and a Tumblr blog.
-Lie number four: A woman's value is best represented by her accomplishments compared to men.
No. Women, by every survey metric available, are less happy today in 2022 than their grandmothers were. And it isn't even close. Why is that?
Well, let's examine a few things. First, as women were thrust forward from the 1960s onward, men were held back. <Fun thought experiment, go to any retailer of your choice selling clothing for girls and women. Look at the messaging on the girls' clothes, and the messaging on the graphic tees and sweatshirts sold to women. Now do the same thing for me. Note the difference?>
Moving on, women now make up the majority of college graduates and the majority of post-college graduate degree holders. As the emphasis on accomplishment outside the home grows, the dating pool a woman will consider shrinks.
A paralegal making less than a plumber still will not consider dating said plumber. Because of the perceived status difference (high status of a "white collar" office job vs the low percived status of a "blue collar" working with your hands job) she considers him a step down from an accountant or a junior law partner. This is leading to a lot of frustrated professionally and financially accomplished men, lonely professional "boss babes" and is ultimately bad for society as a whole.
This leads us to..
-Lie number five: A stay at home mom is a waste of a good woman!
This is a REALLY big lie. Huge. It has lead to the destruction of many families broken up by divorce, leading to apathetic men and bitter women. Let us examine why.
Men and women are different. We think differently, we communicate differently and we place value on things differently. A woman will work an eight hour day, then will come home to take care of dinner, the kids, and other various tasks. A man will work those same eight hours and come home and do... pretty much nothing. Yes, there are men that will cook, clean, take care of kids, etc. But they are rare and are MORE likely to have their spouse divorce them (statistically speaking) because of the dynamics stated above. She loses her respect for him when he's compared to Chad on a motorcycle with a five o clock shadow. The fact that our man doing housework is doing EXACTLY WHAT A LOT OF SOCIETY tells him he should be doing is irrelevant. She will divorce him. Meanwhile, our man that comes home and doesn't do much is ALSO destined for divorce. Because his wife will resent him "doing nothing" while she toils away with the house and the kids. After all, she works to! She is told she is awesome, and a "boss babe!" and likely to be promoted ahead of her male peers at work thanks to EEO and affirmative action. So why must she put in all the work at home too?
Because men and women value things on a different scale. Men will usually have a higher wage job than their female spouses. (See the perceived status gap above.) This leads men to feel that by "bringing home the bacon" as it were, he has done his duty as a husband and father. He has provided. He also does not think that homemaking tasks are difficult nor time consuming. This is for a variety of reasons, but the more high stress and demanding his job is, the less likely he is to view domestic tasks as worthy endeavors that should be given consideration. Thus the cycle of love and respect is broken.
In this COVID world, many women have had to stay home for a variety of different reasons. This has led to the rediscovery of satisfaction that being a homemaker can bring a woman. Her husband can rely on her. She spends time with her children, not just hustling them off to their latest activity or pawning them off to daycare.
The other thing that has become clear is that most of, if not all, her "extra salary" is consumed by the effort of making it in the majority of cases. Her car, clothes, childcare, maid, gas, convenience foods, and other expenses eat up her take home pay and then some. To say nothing of putting her family in a higher tax bracket.
Am I saying that a stay at home mom is better than a career woman? No. But her odds of being happy are far higher. So are her odds of staying married.
-Lie number six: You don't have to work at it, love will find you when you're ready!
I think that a woman who wants a relationship should plan for it. What do you want? What do you need? I mean really need, not what Hallmark has pushed on you. Next, think about your compromises. Looks? His career choices? Politics? Religion? These are all things that can make or break your prospects.
Date strategically. Also, check out your "friend zone" where all the decent guys seem to end up. Be realistic. If you're "plus size", but think you're destined for a chiseled gym rat, you're going to be disappointed. If you get to be sexy at plus size, he gets to be sexy with a dad bod too.
That "nice guy" you have been ignoring? He'll probably rock your world.
Anonymousover 2 years agoWhat about men finding the right wife? Very insecure women would see all of these traits in one guy.
Anonymousover 5 years agoThis is absolute sh*t, written on ONE person’s perspective.
Folks should follow these “rules” at their own risk.
KingCuddleover 6 years agoFrom my Personals profile:
In a relationship I am looking for:
A wonderful woman who's foolish enough to put up with me!
If you laugh at my jokes, cook me Beef Wellington, and insist on sex constantly?
I'm already in love!! :+)))
And...responding to your inquiries...
I love my job! I'm retired. I do anything I want! Write songs and stage musicals!
I love and respect my long-deceased mother. She won't bother you at all...:+))
I need for us to like each other. Especially when waking up at 3 a.m..
Most of my friends are in my 6 monthly songwriter workshops. Come on along!?
Can I please stop being hit on by women who want to be Financially rescued...only?
If/When I have a really great song idea? Everything stops...until I write it down-sorry!
Thanks for putting up with me...it's not as easy as it seems? :+)))
Tell me about you, Ellie! :+))
