Maxwell's Silver Hammer

I have to admit I came up with a brand new plot for this story. It is a flash with brilliant humor and a moral for all, cucks and BtBs alike. Readers ask how I can dream up this shit and I respond, 'mushrooms'. If you don't like satire, testosterone laden men, pickaxe handles, and prickly heat, move on. I am sure there are plenty of cuck stories posted above and below this flash of genius.

I need to thank my amazing friend, lover, and wife, may they never meet, for editing this story, although it was written flawlessly. Thanks to Randi for buying the first round, and for being my muse. Now prepare to be amazed...

*

"Do you take this woman to have and to hold, to..." intoned the old priest. I raised my hand, causing him to stop the ceremony. "Is there something wrong, My Son?"

"Not necessarily, Padre. I just want to clarify a few things in my own mind, as well as in my bride's and everyone in attendance today," was my careful response. "I've been to more than a few weddings, and there are a few things that are left unsaid. I would assume that everyone here is in agreement on these issues, but I've seen more than a few husbands vilified when they were simply doing the right thing.

"In the interest of full disclosure, and to prevent any future misunderstandings, I feel it's necessary to verbalize my beliefs. Since this ceremony is being videoed, my wife and I will always have a copy to which we can refer should any questions ever crop up."

"This is rather unusual," the priest pointed out as he shifted his gaze from me to my bride and then to our gathered friends and families. "But, if you feel this is absolutely necessary, then please proceed."

"Thanks. I'll try to keep it brief," I replied easily. "Nancy and I are making all kinds of promises here today about love, honor, fidelity and things like that. I'm all for it. I really am.

"The problem, as I see it, is the lack of consequences. None are mentioned and that seems to lead to all kinds of problems farther down the road for a lot of married people. It's my opinion that Nancy and I should have a clear understanding of what we expect in our marriage as well as what measures we will take if one of us fails to live up to our vows."

"What do you mean, Jake?" asked Nancy with concern. "I don't understand the 'measures' thing you're talking about."

"It's pretty simple, really. We're promising before God and family that we'll always be faithful loving spouses. That sounds good, but how do we know that you'll honor your vows, or that I will, for that matter?" I explained as everyone leaned forward in their pews to hear me better.

"I had a cousin who came home and found his wife in bed with his best friend. He beat the living shit out of the former best friend and immediately drove his wife to Mexico where he sold her to a whorehouse. He made a few bucks off the cheating bitch to help cover his gas and food on the trip. He'd be here today if the warden would have allowed it," I added.

"What happened when the family found out about Tom's defense of his home and his honor? I'll tell you what. His wife's family kept digging around until they found out what he did with the worthless cunt. They had him arrested and charged with all kinds of shit.

"They went to Old Mexico, bought the diseased whore and then brought her back. She wound up with all of their savings, their home, custody of the kids and several rather virulent STDs.

"Then his so-called best friend, who happened to have served as best man at his wedding, paid off a couple of goons to work him over in the big house."

By this time my best man lost his color and began to sweat. My bride was behaving a bit strangely, as well. Her mother was holding a tissue to her eyes as she listened closely for my next words.

"That's why we need to discuss consequences. I want Nancy to tell God, friends and family that she understands that I will have my pound of flesh if she's ever unfaithful. I want my best man and my groomsmen to acknowledge that I would have every reason and right to beat the living Be-Jesus out of them if I ever have reason to believe that they have been inappropriate in any way with my wife."

"Jake, I'm good with it!" stated my best man nervously as the groomsmen all vigorously nodded their agreement.

"What about you, Nancy?" I asked my betrothed gently. "Do you accept that I'll exact a painful and costly revenge if you ever even think about cheating on me?"

"Of course! I'm proud to be Australian!" declared Nancy. "I could never disrespect you like my mother's cousin in England does her fag cuck husband. On this continent, men are men and I wouldn't have it any other way."

"I'm pleased to hear you say that, Sweetheart," was my immediate reply. "I need to be certain that your friends understand how things are going to be before we wrap up this ceremony."

I held my hand out to my best man and he placed a pick handle in it. I hefted it carefully before turning to the bridal party and speaking directly to them.

"If any of you nasty skanks ever influence, or even try to influence, Nancy to consider straying in any way, I will come looking for you with this pickaxe handle. I will beat you severely and then shove it up your ass. You will be a fucking vegetable when I'm done with you. Do you all understand and accept this statement of fact?" I asked sternly.

"Of course, Jake!" replied Nancy's maid of honor. "We're Australian and proud of it! We don't want any shyster lawyers interfering with our way of life. 'Spare the pickaxe handle and spoil the cunt' is what my boyfriend always says. He's a man's man, like you!"

"I'm glad we've settled those possible stumbling blocks before the ceremony was complete," I proclaimed happily. "Does anyone have any questions before we wrap this up?"

"If I may?" asked Nancy cautiously before I nodded for her to continue. "Do you actually believe that your cousin drove to Mexico from Tasmania?"

A piano fell down a mine shaft and hit a flat miner. (think about it.)

Strip mining, the best way to prevent forest fires!

Q. How do you confuse a miner?

A. Show him two shovels and tell him to take his pick.