Maybe, It Gets Better

"I am really hungry, Mrs. S," Casey said, biting her lip. I did my best not to take it out on her.

"I will see what I can figure out," I said, running my hand through my hair and turning back to the door.

* * * * *

Half an hour later, I walked back into the room with three plastic bags in my hand. I slammed the door behind me and the room, which had been filled with the chatter of girls, immediately became silent. Slowly, the girls emerged from the linen closet area, into the entryway. They looked a little sheepish, like they knew I was going to be angry.

The girls had gotten changed while I was away, getting into their pajamas. Casey was wearing a pair of loose-fitting cotton pajama pants and a white tanktop. Chloe was wearing a pair billowy boxer shorts that probably belonged to a boyfriend and a tight t-shirt. Natalie was wearing an oversized sweatshirt. I can only assume she was wearing panties underneath, but the sweatshirt went down nearly to her knees. Every boy in Franklin County High School dreamed about this...my nightmare.

"What took so long?" Chloe asked, as she approached the bags on the floor. She reached into one bag and pulled out a diet Coke. My diet Coke. I had gotten them regular Cokes. Whatever.

"Don't be a dick," Natalie said.

"What is this?" Casey asked, her nose crinkling up as the smell from the bag hit the room. The other girls recoiled a bit too. My whole car already stunk like this, so I didn't care at this point whether they liked it or not.

"I knew there wasn't anything the way we'd come from. So I kept going about ten miles out of town. I saw a sign saying the next town was another 12 miles away and gave up. I drove back here, went into the gas station and cleared them out on food from the warmers. It is...chicken wings of some kind, a tacquito, and some hot dogs. I also got some chips," I said, "It is this or nothing."

"Don't sweat it Mrs. S., this looks good," Casey said helpfully. Natalie reached down and grabbed the bags and took them back into the linen closet area, moving towards the cot on one of the two long sides of the cleared, rectangular path around the room. I was hungry, but I was jealous of how comfortable the girls looked. I wanted to be in my pajamas so I could eat and go to bed.

The bags were all stacked in a piled next to the washroom. I saw a couple of backpacks, four suitcases, and a laptop case. I did not see my duffel bag. I sighed again and clenched my fists. I wanted to scream, but I calmed myself.

"Girls," I said in a clipped voice.

"Yeah?" Chloe's impertinent voice yelled back.

"I asked you to bring in all of the bags when you got out of the car," I said.

"Yeah, we got all of them. I didn't know if you wanted your computer case, but I got it anyway," Natalie said. The three girls had returned to the entryway and looked at the stack of bags.

"Where is my duffel bag?" I asked. The girls looked at each other nervously, sort of shrugging.

"I didn't see one," Casey said, biting her lip, "Want me to go and look?" I should have appreciated that she was offering to help. But I was too tired, too annoyed with the whole world.

"In your pajamas, Casey? Does that sound like a smart idea to you? I swear, I... oh fucking shit!" I suddenly yelled slapping myself so hard on the forehead that I immediately regretted it. The pain was sharp, but a dull throb remained.

"What's wrong?" Natalie asked, looking at me warily, like she was scared I was going to explode. She was right to be nervous.

"My goddamned bag! I put it in the...the..." the word wouldn't come, "the fucking compartment in the bottom of the fucking bus. And then I got switched over to driving my car and I forgot to take the damned thing out. And now I don't have any clothes except for what I am wearing. Which means I have to sleep in my jeans and my shirt and then wear it again tomorrow," I vented until I felt ridiculous.

Of course, none of the perfect girls had lost any of their stuff. They were comfortable. Well, not entirely comfortable. They stood awkward in the entryway of the linen closet and looked at one another as I yelled. Finally, I let out a low breath, controlling myself.

"Sorry," I said finally, not sure I really felt that or just felt that I should. The girls sort of shrugged.

"It's been a tough day, Mrs. S.," Chloe, of all people, said soothingly.

"You can wear my other pajamas," Natalie said helpfully.

"Thank you," I said, actually sort of touched that she would even offer. Then, I sort of furrowed my brow, "You aren't even wearing pajamas now." The girls laughed a little and I felt some of the tension lessen. I felt silly for being angry.

"I brought this," Natalie said, picking at her sweatshirt, "In case it got cold. And it is chilly in here. You can wear my other pajamas, for warm weather. We are almost the same size. They should fit." She said, and she started rifling through her bag, searching for pajamas.

"I have a bustier and a thong, if you'd prefer that," Chloe joke. Natalie laughed a little.

"Don't be a jerk, this is serious!" Casey said, exasperated.

"Thank you Natalie," I said, taking a pair of shorts and a matching top from her. I looked around the room now, as I had them. There was no door on the washroom door.

"You can get changed in there, Mrs. S. We won't look," Casey said, reading my mind. I bit my lip and shook my head.

"I don't want to do that, I am going to go use the other bathroom that the clerk told me about. You girls go eat and try to relax. Sorry again that I got upset. It isn't you, its just..." I said, and couldn't finish it.

"Don't worry about it," Natalie said and the other girls nodded. Then they turned and headed back to the linen closet area to eat.

I took the pajamas and left the room. I walked back towards the lobby, to the place where the clerk had indicated I could find a bathroom. I walked briskly through the empty, quiet hallways of the hotel. Knowing that it was basically empty gave me a sort of creepy vibe (visions of the Shining) and I picked up my pace even further.

The linen closet was about as far from the entrance to the hotel as was possible and it took me a few minutes to reach the lobby. I saw that the clerk was no longer at the front desk, and I walked up to the ladies room. I grabbed the handle and twisted. It didn't move. I yanked on the door. It was locked.

"Motherfucker!" I yelled, pulling again on the doorknob. Again, nothing. "That stupid..." I started. I turned around, looking to see if the clerk was anywhere in the lobby. I even walked over to the desk and sort of looked over it, seeing if she was napping on the floor or something. She wasn't.

I spent the next 15 minutes trying to find her. I wondered the hallways, looking into the various ice/vending rooms, trying random doorknobs, and calling out "the bathroom door is locked!" over and over again. The hotel remained as silent and still as it had ever been. I grew increasingly frustrated, swearing under my breath as I stomped through the hallways.

Eventually, I opened up a door that said "emergency exit only, alarm will sound" and stuck my head outside when no alarm sounded. And there was the clerk, standing next to the dumpster, taking a drag from a cigarette. She looked a little surprised to find me.

"The fucking ladies room door is locked," I said hotly. I was well beyond the ability to pretend to be nice. My frustration was boiling over.

"Why didn't you just use the men's room?" She asked. I felt a strange, familiar, twinge of anxiety.

"It didn't occur to me," I said flatly. I detested men's rooms. I hadn't been in one since I was 13 and I didn't intend on entering one again if I could avoid it.

"I lock up the women's room at night, so I only have to clean one in the morning. Just use the men's room," the clerk said, and then she turned back to the dumpster. She didn't want to deal with me any more than I wanted to deal with her. I sighed loudly and let the door slam behind me.

A few minutes later, I was in the lobby again. I was standing in front of the men's room, looking at the little outline of the white figure. No skirt. A men's room, a room for men. I ran my hands through my hair. I mean, I knew it didn't mean anything. Any of the women in the hotel would use this bathroom. It was just the only open bathroom. It was like a unisex bathroom. I used those without any trouble. Still...that male character stared at me.

"Whatever, get it over with," I said to myself and I pushed open the door. I stepped into the bathroom and the door closet behind me quickly. I turned to the right and saw two urinals up against the wall. I looked straight ahead again, I didn't want to even think about urinals. I turned the other direction and saw my reflection in the mirror. I was a woman. I breathed out slowly.

I turned towards the bathroom stall, walked in, and closed the door behind me. It was a bit of a relief as I was enveloped in the privacy of the stall. There were, thankfully, two hooks on the stall door. On one, I hung the pajamas that Natalie had lent me.

I had dressed somewhat comfortably for the drive. I had a loose-fitting sweatshirt and a pair of well-broken-in jeans. I slipped the sweatshirt up over my head and hung it on the remaining hook, as best I could. I looked down at my sensible, red bra. I reached behind my back, unhooked it, and then through my arms forward. The bra slipped off of me and I hung it as well. My large breasts tumbled out and I sighed with relief. I looked down at my breasts, rubbed them gently where bra had pinched them. Next I unbuttoned my jeans and slipped them down around my ankles. I picked them up and set them on the door as well. Now I was only wearing my white cotton panties.

These were the only panties I had now. I desperately wanted to just leave them on. Slip into the pajamas and head back. But I would need to wear the same clothes tomorrow. I definitely didn't want to wear the same underwear for 36 hours. But I also couldn't go commando tomorrow. I would be wearing my jeans again and I didn't feel like getting chaffed by rivets and denim.

And so, the only choice was to take off my panties now. Save them for tomorrow. I looked around the stall, not really sure what I was nervous about. Someone watching? Whatever. I slipped my fingers into the waistband of my panties, and slipped them down, hung them up on the hooks.

I looked down at my cock, and sighed. If someone had told me when I was in high school that, pushing 40, I would still have that cock, I would have thought something had gone horribly wrong. When I was younger I had been, to my immense shame, hung. It had been well over seven inches long when hard. Given my height, it had looked absolutely massive. And I hated it. I had told myself I was going to have it removed just as soon as I could afford the surgery.

But then, I had started HRT. I was shocked by how quickly I went from sick, to glowingly healthy. The strange, unpleasant body that I had inhabited for all those horrible years had blossomed, seemingly overnight, into the form I had always known it should have. Softer features, breasts, more pronounced shape...all of those things had been a godsend. But other changes had occurred as well, things I hadn't expected. After a little while, my cock shrank. I didn't believe it at first, but soon the difference was so marked that I couldn't help but notice. It was suddenly two inches shorter than it had been before! The veiny, purpleness of it had changed as well. It had become soft, smooth, and pink. It really wasn't the same cock. It was girly. Cute. And suddenly I didn't hate it any more. I saw in its transformation, my own blossoming writ small. And so I kept it. And my husband, when I met him, had liked it as well. Finding fun ways to incorporate my cock into our bedroom activity (the only part of our relationship that had really worked), was always a surprisingly unexpected thrill. And so I kept it.

But now, for the first time in years, I thought of it again as an inconvenience. Because I lifted up the shorts that Natalie had given me off of the stall door. And they were tiny. And while Natalie was the closest to me in height, she did not have the same body type. She was slim. Very slim.

Well there wasn't anything to do about it. I stepped into the shorts, pulling them up over my wide thighs. The fabric stretched around my ass and soon I was wearing them. They looked like they were painted on! An unmistakable bulge had formed in the front. I felt my cheeks get red, hot.

"Nothing to do about it," I whispered to myself. I rarely tucked and didn't have any of the stuff necessary to do it. Plus, I really wouldn't have wanted to sleep tucked anyway. I would just walk into the room with my clothes in front of my cock and jump into my cot quickly.

"Well, this should help," I said as I pulled the shirt on. It must've been tight on Natalie. My tits were basically falling out of it. They filled the shirt so well that my midriff was showing. All eyes would be there. And not on my dick, which they never would have thought to look for.

I made my way back to the linen closet and went to open the door. It was locked. I sighed and kicked the door repeatedly. "Sorry, sorry, sorry!" I heard someone yelling from inside. A few seconds later Chloe answered the door.

"Sorry Mrs. S., it was so creepy we got scared and..." Chloe started, then her eyes found my chest and went wide. Her cheeks went red and she looked away. I stepped past her into the room, holding my clothes in front of my hips.

"It's fine," I said flatly. I walked into the room and saw the other two girls sitting on one of the cots. They looked up at me. Casey did a double take.

"Damn Mrs. S! You have a killer body!" she said. I didn't generally wear things to school that would accentuate my body. It seemed the girls were genuinely shocked. Despite myself, I was a bit flattered.

"It is a starving body. Give me my food," I said, looking down at the bags piled on the floor. None of the girls moved. They didn't speak. They eyed each other nervously. I looked over into the bag. Empty.

"We thought you already ate," Chloe said apologetically, "Like when you picked up the food."

"You ate all the food?" I asked, more resigned than anything. Of course. That was absolutely my luck. And it was just so...characteristic. These were the kinds of girls who didn't have to think about other people and their needs.

"There are some chips left," Natalie said, holding up a bag of opened potato chips. Somehow, that made me even angrier. I bit my lip so hard I am surprised I didn't draw blood. I was literally shaking.

"No. Thank you. I am just going to bed," I said.

"Mrs. S..." Chloe started.

"No, going to bed!" I said. The girls were one of the long sides of the rectangular path in the linen closet. I walked around to the opposite side where I couldn't see them. In fact, the linen even muffled their voices. Though, I thought I heard them giggling. I dropped my clothes onto the floor and flopped onto the cot. I grabbed a blanket off of the shelf next to me and covered up and slammed my eyes shut.

I spent a long, hungry time just laying in the cot. My insides felt like they were tangled up. I was anxious and felt exposed. I was frustrated and angry and felt like no one around me had any idea what I was going through. I felt ridiculous and ashamed. I felt like everyone was laughing at me. In short, I felt like I was in high school all over again.

But, thankfully, at some point, I fell asleep.

* * * * *

I awoke at some point in the night, disoriented. For a long moment, I forgot where I was and what I was doing. And I heard a low, hissing sound. Slowly, my senses sort of returned to me and I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I followed the sound of the hissing and eventually realize that it is whispering. I look down towards my feet and see that Casey was kneeling next to Natalie's cot, talking quietly but urgently. I knew that those two had been sleeping on opposite sides of the room. It meant that Casey had walked past me to get to Natalie. Perhaps that was what woke me up.

At first I assumed that Casey had awakened in the middle of the night and needed to use the bathroom. Afraid of going alone, she was waking her friend. I prepared to roll over onto my side and go back to sleep. But now that I was fully awake, I found that I could actually hear what they were saying. Despite the fact that I had no interest in eavesdropping, in the absolute silence of the linen closet, I couldn't help but hear them.

"No, you have to get up, I have to show you!" Casey said insistently.

"I am exhausted, can't you just tell me? Or I can look at it in the morning," Natalie whined. I almost yelled at them then that I was exhausted and they needed to sleep. But I actually felt too tired to even complain.

"I mean...no. Like it won't be there in the morning and you have to see it! I mean I can't believe..." Casey said, excitedly.

"Just tell me what it is and I will decide if it is worth looking at," Natalie said sensibly. Casey sighed loudly and then waited a long moment.

"She has a dick! Like...a penis!" she said and I felt my blood run cold. I made a sharp, strangled noise in the back of my throat. My skin felt prickly all over. My vision sort of narrowed, blackness closing in around the corners of my eyes. I swear to god, my heart actually stopped.

I looked down at my body. My blanket had fallen off at some point in the night. The thick bulge in the middle of my shorts was now very clearly visible. Casey had walked past me in the night, glanced down, and she had seen it! And now she knew! And she was going to tell the other girls. And by tomorrow morning, every student in the school would know that I was a transwoman. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move.

"What?!" Natalie asked, sitting up in the cot. My eyes followed them, I was frozen.

"I just walked past and I saw it! I mean, I didn't believe it at first. I got kind of close. I mean...it is clearly a penis!" Casey said.

"I need to see it!" Natalie said.

"I know, that's what I have been trying to tell you!" Casey said, and Natalie rose up off of her cot. Casey stood too. I held my breath. The girls were going to walk over towards me and start gawking. They were going to point at my penis. They were going to talk about it. They were going to laugh about it. I was humiliated already, and I was certain that this final humiliation was going to kill me.

"Come on, be quiet," Casey said. I wanted to close my eyes, pretend like I didn't know it was happening. But I couldn't. I couldn't even blink, though my eyes burned terribly. The girls moved away from the cot. And walked to the other side of the room. Where Chloe was sleeping.

For a moment, I couldn't believe it. I wondered if my eyes were showing me what I wanted to see, rather than what I was really seeing. Maybe they were taking the long route around for some reason. But then they never appeared. I finally blinked. And they still weren't there. They were just over on the other side of the shelves. With Chloe.

After what felt like an eternity (but was likely only a few seconds), I realized they weren't coming for me. Which meant...what did it mean? For a moment, I had no idea what to do or think. I remained frozen on the cot. But then I realized, if they weren't looking at me, they were looking at something.

I scrambled quickly up out of my cot, trying to be quiet. I moved quickly over to the shelves separating my little piece of the closet from Chloe's side. It was just a hollow set of metal shelves. You could reach the towels in it from either side. I quietly, but swiftly, shoved several towels to the side. And then, I could see the other side of the room through the shelves. And my god,what I saw!