Miss Kitty

That still didn't stop me from worrying about their health. Given my training in the health field I knew venereal disease and unwanted pregnancy was a constant danger. There was little to be done in this era but I tried to help. I told the girls if they wanted to work at the Long Branch Saloon they had to follow some health rules. That included having the customer wash his genitals first and then visually inspecting them for rashes or sores. Any evidence of disease would get him ejected and banned. It was the best that I could do under the circumstances. The girls had their own methods to avoid getting pregnant.

Bill started asking to see my Glock 27. He'd only seen the business end of it. He initially thought it was a derringer but I had definitely piqued his curiosity. I ignored his requests and I knew I had to put it away for safekeeping. Automatics hadn't been invented yet and it would raise too many other questions which I wasn't prepared to answer.

The two men I'd killed had Colt .45 1873 Single Action Army revolvers with seven inch barrels. I found a gunsmith in town who was willing to trade both '73s and a little cash for a new "Shopkeeper" with a three and a half inch barrel. The Colt .45 is too big for a small woman but I was forced to learn on it by my daddy who was a gun buff so I was used to handling one; with both hands though. A leather smith constructed a shoulder holster I designed which I kept hidden by a light cloak I took to wearing. Mrs. Turner carried a derringer in her handbag so when I "inherited" that, I did the same.

A scattergun was kept under the bar for security and I persuaded Bill to get another one for office security and have the barrels and stock shortened. We didn't have a need for distance in a small office. Bill didn't know anyone he trusted enough to handle security upstairs. I had killed the previous one. His name was Luke. We rigged up a bell pull that would alert anyone in the office if there was trouble downstairs. Also, a special door knock would signal trouble. I taught him the "shave and a haircut, two bits" knock. Depending on the code, the one on the inside of the office would know approximately what to expect and how to prepare. We also rigged up a spy hole so that the saloon floor could be observed from the office.

One late Saturday night I was upstairs counting up the receipts when I heard the bell. I peeked through the spy hole and saw Bill, Sam, my new bartender and Mike, the swamper lying facedown on the floor. A masked man was covering them with a gun while two others were climbing the stairs where I was. It was closing time and all the drunks had been cleared out. I unlocked the door and brought out the shotgun. I trained the gun on the door and let them have it with both barrels when they burst in. In the excitement I aimed kind of high and the blast decapitated both of them. I jumped over the bodies but slipped on some gore and landed on my butt. That probably saved my life. Two rounds lodged into the wall behind me. I brought out my "Shopkeeper" and drilled two rounds through the chest of the other clown that shot at me.

"Are you guys all right," I shouted. "Is there anyone else I should be worrying about?" The three fellows were still on the floor and I was frantic for them but I didn't want to expose myself if there were more bad guys.

"We-we're all right, I think," I heard Bill stammer. "Are you all right?"

"The bad guys up here are dead." I finally saw my men moving. I raced down the stairs and threw myself into Bill's arms. I almost knocked him down.

"You had me so worried," I cried.

"I had you worried? I was worried about you." The other two men were grinning at us. Bill noticed and got kind of embarrassed. He tried to ease me away but I stuck to him like a leech. I didn't care if he was embarrassed.

The two bodies upstairs couldn't be identified right away. Their faces had been too badly mangled. The third body was one of the professional gamblers Bill had banned. After a little investigation the other two turned out to be the other gamblers Bill had ousted. They had run into some bad luck and were going to finance their move to friendlier surroundings by robbing us. Their luck ran out permanently though. Tough shit!

Word got around that Miss Kitty at the Long Branch was no one to fuck with. Of course, being a saloon owner I was shunned by polite society. I didn't mind. I was mostly an agnostic so I didn't attend the local church services either. That doesn't mean I shunned them if I could be of help.

Women gossip and saloon girls are no different from other women. They made up things too claiming I was a physician once. Before you know it, I had people stopping me on the street asking me about their aches and pains. The one available physician wasn't in town much more than two days every two weeks because he had a wide territory to cover. Even though I denied I was a physician I started administering first aid for minor injuries and even some major injuries. I can't claim to have saved any lives but I probably did in the long run. That's because I stressed hygiene and infection prevention.

I finally met the local physician. He came into the Long Branch and introduced himself. Dr. Stone wasn't put out at all by my treating patients. In fact, he was grateful for the break it gave him. He was open to my suggestion that his patients would fare better if they were taught better hygiene and wound care. He said that a lot of the stuff I talked about like sterile dressings was unaffordable for a country physician.

"I'll buy the stuff you need." He looked long and hard at me as if he wasn't certain I was serious.

"I'll give you a list," he replied. I knew he was testing me. Needless to say, he was pleasantly surprised when the stuff he asked for was waiting for him when he next arrived in town. There was a lot more than he asked for but I did exclude some remedies I knew to be bogus.

With Dr. Stone praising me like I was the second coming, the rest of the community started noticing me and ignoring my unsavory profession. Not that I really cared. Bill was happy. He said the investment was good for business.

One day I was walking back to the saloon from an errand. I saw some black folks walking toward me; two men and a woman. They stopped and stepped aside to let me pass. I hesitated as I passed the younger man. Somehow I knew him...or at least recognized him. I think he recognized me too because he started to run. I pulled my Shopkeeper.

"Freeze motherfucker!" I yelled. He froze. The woman screamed and the older man raised his hands.

"You two back off. This is between him and me. Down on the ground! Put your hands behind your head!" He obeyed. He was the purse snatcher at the 7-Eleven. I was attracting a crowd but I didn't care. The woman sprawled across his body and begged me not to kill him.

"Please, Ma'am," the older man said. "I don' know what he did to you but please don' shoot him. He don' deserve that, do he?"

"That's a matter of opinion. He stole from me."

"Did you steal from this lady, boy? Cuz, if you did you is in a heap of a lot of trouble."

"She's wrong. I didn't steal from nobody."

"Could there be a mistake, Ma'am?"

"Anything's possible." I didn't think so though.

"My name's Joe," said the older man. "You be Miss Kitty from the Long Branch Saloon, ain'tcha? I heard good things about you."

"Miss Kitty? Long Branch Saloon? You gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me," said the kid on the ground.

"Now I'm certain," I said. Joe pulled the girl off and kicked the boy in the ribs. I was beginning to like Joe.

"You don't talk to a lady that way," said Joe. "He say his name is Jamal. What kind of a dang fool name is that, I ask you. We found him hidin' behind our chicken coop ravin' 'bout civil rights an' other crazy things. We figger he got into some bad likker."

"That'll do it," I allowed.

"I dunno what he stole but he didn't have nothin' wit' him when we found him."

"He dropped it when he was running away from me. I got it back, but he caused an awful lot of trouble because of what he did."

"Well, is there any way he can make up for the trouble he caused? Without goin' to jail, I mean? You see, he got my daughter Sarah here in the family way. He say he will marry her when he finds a job but there ain't no jobs around."

I didn't feel like killing Jamal anymore lying there helpless. Unless he pissed me off again. But I just couldn't let him get away with what he did. I decided to make his life more miserable than it probably already was.

"I've got a job for him," I said.

"You do?"

"He can be the assistant swamper at the Long Branch."

"What's that," Jamal asked.

"Your job will be to clean the jakes out back and keep 'em clean."

"The jakes? You mean the outhouse? No fu-, uh no way am I gonna be a janitor." I cocked the hammer of my pistol.

"I'll do it. I'll do it."

Since Jamal now had a job, I didn't think there was any reason to delay the nuptials between him and Sarah. I even paid for the wedding. Sarah seemed like a sweet girl. I hoped she could straighten Jamal out. There wasn't going to be a honeymoon. The other thing I paid for was a photograph of the wedded couple and a separate photograph of Jamal. I told Jamal if he ever skipped out on me, I was going to have his picture plastered all over the country offering a substantial reward for his safe return. When I got him back I'd snip off his nuts before torturing him to death. I think the young man got the point. Bill never did ask me about Jamal. He did respect my privacy and I appreciated it.

I put Mike in charge of Jamal and told him not to let Jamal slack off for a minute. Mike liked the idea of being in charge of someone. He didn't let me down. Jamal's wages were paid directly to his father in law. I was finally getting some revenge. To my surprise, Jamal got along surprisingly well with the other guys and I even caught them on occasion talking and sharing a beer, but what could I do when one of the goof-offs with them was Bill?

I found out from Joe that one of the things Jamal was trying to do was teaching the R's (reading, writing and arithmetic) to the black children who were all pretty much illiterate; just like their parents. The trouble was that there were few books and other equipment to work with. I figured Jamal put Joe up to putting the touch on me but I didn't mind. I bought a whole bunch of stuff for the children and even gave Jamal time off in the morning to teach. They met in a shack which they called the Long Branch School. I thought Jamal was a good man underneath his bluster but there was no way I was going to go soft on him.

Bill didn't trust banks. One of the banks he dealt with had gone under. This was before the time of deposit insurance so he lost his savings. Banks were necessary for some transactions just the same and I was there to purchase a bank draft for some equipment we were ordering.

I was waiting in line when three masked men walked in and ordered us all against the wall. Ironically, the Sheriff was there too. All the men were relieved of their weapons. Being a woman, they didn't think I was armed. I tried to slip my money pouch behind me but one of the hombres spotted it and ordered me to hand it over. That pissed me off to no end! I was standing slightly behind the Sheriff. I drew my Shopkeeper and waited for my chance. As soon as the three hombres were all together I let 'em have it. Three shots and three bad guys down. I walked outside, saw another masked man waiting with the horses and shot him down too. I walked back inside and picked up my money pouch.

"Can I get some service here," I yelled.

I don't know why I did it, but I told everyone that the Sheriff was the real hero. He had slipped me his hideout gun and stood in front of me to act as cover. The Sheriff didn't disabuse anyone of that notion. Needless to say, he didn't need to do much campaigning to get reelected. He was so grateful he stopped soliciting us for contributions. That made it worthwhile after all.

One morning I was sitting with the guys in the saloon. It was early and there were no customers. The saloon girls didn't start coming in until the afternoon. A short fellow walked up to us and tipped his hat.

"You are the woman known as Miss Kitty?"

"I am."

"My name is Mr. Gray. I have something to discuss with you in private."

"Can you give me a clue as to the topic, Mr. Gray?"

"It concerns an unfortunate incident outside the convenience store known as the 7-Eleven." Bill must have become alarmed at my reaction because he almost made a grab for Mr. Gray.

"It's all right, Bill. I have to talk to Mr. Gray alone. You guys go take a break."

"This concerns me too," said Jamal. "I wanna stay."

"That is acceptable," said Mr. Gray. Bill and the others moved away out of earshot but they certainly didn't leave. I think they were getting ready to shoot Mr. Gray at the slightest sign of a threat.

"Please sit down, Mr. Gray. May I offer you some refreshment?"

"No thank you. I cannot partake of Earth-based refreshments."

"Then I take it you're from another planet?"

"That is correct." Well, this was going to be interesting.

"So, what happened? How did we get here?"

"We were studying your present Earth culture as well as your past when our instrumentation mal-functioned and cause an anomaly; a time portal opened up. By the time we had it repaired you two had gone through the portal. We tried to recover you both but our instrumentation gave us many false readings. It took time to locate you. I am here to offer our abject apology and to take you back to your own time."

"What about me?" Jamal asked.

"That would be most inadvisable. The security video at the convenience store identified you as Miss Parker's assailant. The authorities assume you slew this woman, hid the body and are on the run. You have already been featured on the television program "America's Most Wanted"."

"Oh Lord," Jamal muttered. "Well, how bad can it be? If Miss Kitty shows up alive and healthy, they'll know I didn't kill her."

"That is true," Mr. Gray replied. "However, there is a high probability you will still be incarcerated for quite a number of your Earth years, perhaps ten to twenty. Miss Perkins reappearance may be explained by a case of amnesia caused by a blow to the head and then the recovery of her memory."

"Couldn't you...no, I guess not." Jamal sighed and shook his head.

"You're doing okay here, Bubba," I said. "Besides, you have a wife...and a baby on the way. By the way, I'm letting you off the hook. You're no longer assistant swamper. I'll ask Bill to fund your teaching position at the Long Branch School so you can go at it full time." I was already making plans for my grand reappearance into the 21st century.

"You're doing okay here too, ya know."

"I was never meant to be here. No one will miss me once I've gone." I signaled Bill to come over.

"Is everything all right?"

"Everything's fine. Mr. Gray has offered me a ride home and I've decided to take him up on it. The Long Branch Saloon is now all yours."

"Well," Bill replied. "You slipped into Poker Bluffs mysteriously and you're slipping out just as mysteriously. You shall be missed."

"Thank you, kind sir."

"Austin is not that far away. Perhaps we can exchange visits soon."

"It ain't goin' to be that kinda goin' away, Bill," said Jamal. "Once she leaves that's it. She ain't comin' back no more and you can't visit her."

"If that's the case, Miss Kitty, then I bid you a fond farewell."

"Why don't you tell her what you told me?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You do too know what I'm talkin' about."

"It's a moot point now, don't you think?"

"I don't know what word means, but if you don't tell her I will."

"I told you that in confidence."

"You did not. You didn't swear me to no secrecy."

"What are you two talking about?"

"Bill loves you."

"Jamal!"

"He wants to marry you."

"Damn you, Jamal."

"If he wasn't such a coward he would've proposed to you long ago."

"Is that true, Bill?"

"Yes! By god, it's true. I think I've loved you from the moment you walked into the saloon wearing that silly costume. I came to the office that night with the sole intent of killing Luke and Mrs. Turner because I knew what they intended for you. I was relieved to find those two already dead and you safe even as you told me I had to die also. There! I've said it. I love you and I will always love you even if I never see you again for the rest of my days. I'm very sorry to see you go."

"Who says I'm going anywhere? I can stay if I damn well please." I turned to Mr. Gray.

"We would prefer to take you out of this situation."

"And why is that?"

"You have displayed remarkably violent tendencies since your arrival. We fear you may kill someone not meant to die at that time and then the future might well be changed. That hasn't happened yet but it could happen the very next time."

"I promise not to kill anyone else."

"If you hold to that promise we will allow you to stay," said Mr. Gray. "If you do not we will have to resort to an involuntary relocation for you."

"I promise. I promise." I jumped out of my chair and ran into Bill's arms.

"I'm so glad I didn't kill you."

"I'm glad too, my dearest."

"So ask me."

"Ask you what?"

"Ask me to marry you."

"Will you marry me and be my wife?"

"I've got witnesses to your proposal. Do you realize that?"

"I most certainly do."

"Well, the answer is yes, I'll marry you. When?"

"Today, if you want. I'll find someone to marry us right away." I kissed Bill right on the lips. His face turned a bright red but he returned my kiss. It was so cute. We got married that very same day.

Well, in order to keep my promise to Mr. Gray, I realized I had to retire from the Long Branch Saloon. Bill is managing the saloon but he is looking to sell out and get something smaller so he can spend more time with me and the children. Jamal is doing well as a teacher. Jamal's wife Sarah cooks and keeps house for me. Joe helps out too. If you're reading this, it is some time in 2010 or later and I am long dead. With the exception of my family, I don't believe I've missed much by staying behind in the 19th century...except maybe some of the goodies from the 7-Eleven.