Miss Too Much Pageant

Costello looked offstage, apparently getting a signal from an engineer. "We need to get ready. Almost air time," he said. "All contestants! Come up on the stage. If you wore a coat or a shirt over your bikini top, keep it on. We'll have you take it off dramatically when you're introduced."

Armpit put his microphone into a stand. "And men!" he said to the paying onlookers. "This is radio, not television! We don't know how you're reacting unless we hear you! They're counting us down. Whoop it up, guys!"

Vivian squeezed Cherie's hand to wish her good luck as she headed for the stage, buttoning up her denim shirt once again over her big, round breasts. Vivian looked around at the men seated around her at the banquet table. They all were looking her right in the chest, wondering when she would get up on the stage. She lowered her head in embarassment.

Belinda buttoned up her coat again, planning to open it dramatically during the pageant. She already knew that everyone in the room was looking her up and down. Even in her concealing coat, the presence of her two powerful pontoon boats was obvious. Belinda was starting to enjoy the idea of unveiling them in front of every tit-minded man in the city.

Mickey found his way into the banquet hall and grabbed a beer and a coffee. He smiled when he saw all the big, sturdy girls gathered on the stage. He was going to enjoy this! He only hoped no one from work would see him there, since he'd called in sick that day. He probably would have had an easier time being inconspicuous if he hadn't worn his usual work shirt — with "Mickey" embroidered over the pocket! The big girls were herded onto the stage as old-fashioned strip music played, as well Armpit and Costello's usual array of sound effects — pigs snorting, cows mooing, and the "boing" sound effect that represented symbolic hard-ons.

Mickey looked over all the girls and grinned from ear to ear. These weren't the silicone-pumped skinny girls like he had taped to his workbench. These were real women. Women who came by their massive tits honestly. He wondered if they knew what those boobies did to guys like him — reduced them to slobbering, babbling, idiots with pants-a-bulging.

In a moment, Mickey's eyes met the eyes of one of the contestants. A brown-haired girl wearing tight, worn jeans, where faded blue lines revealed the folds of her thick but shapely legs, her wide but curvy hips, and... yes, the folds of her sex. She wore a denim shirt buttoned over her huge titties — but she hadn't tucked it into her waist, so that it seemed to hang at least a foot in front of her. Mickey wondered if a draft could blow under that shirt and make the promised treasures beneath freeze! He noticed that she was beginning to fiddle with one of the shirt's buttons in a very teasing, flirty way... and when his eyes wandered back to her brown eyes, she was looking right at him. She knew! Every other contestant, although massive and lovely, became invisible to Mickey. He just wanted to know this gorgeous creature's name. This gorgeous creature who seemed to be just as interested in him!

Armpit and Costello stood at their microphones, holding out their hands. An announcer's voice was heard over the P.A. system. They grinned like two overgrown adolescents.

"Ladies and gentlemen — and the rest of you! — welcome to a special edition of Morning Mayhem. It's the Miss Too-Much-Of-A-Good-Thing Pageant!" The music hit a crescendo and the two hosts signaled to the audience that the time to hoot, holler, and snort had arrived!

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Mickey joined in the ovation, never taking his eyes off the thickly built but top-heavy brunette. In a moment, her eyes seemed to twinkle at him and she glanced down toward her full bust. Mickey's eyes followed, of course. Then she threw back her shoulders and shook!

Mickey thought he'd come right then and there. After making sure his crotch was covered by the banquet table and tablecloth, he reached for his jeans to check. No, he hadn't come — but damn!

"Hey, Armpit!" hollered the mustachioed man.

"Whattaya want, Costello?" answered the chunky fellow with the ponytail.

"You know what we're here for, doncha?"

"Of course!" he said, turning to the crowd. "And you know what we're here for, right?" The men exploded in cheers. "Then let's bring on the boobs!"

A stripper's drum cadence played. Each girl walked to the microphone at the front of the stage to introduce herself, each getting the most movement she possibly could from her breasts. Not being professionals, some had a little trouble, but the boys enjoyed the effort!

"I'm Janice. Like my jugs?"

"I'm Tonawanda. Meet my twins!"

"I'm Sandy. Get a load of my sandbags!"

"My name is Tamara. These are my ti..."

Armpit and Costello raised a finger in warning. The girl stammered a bit, then continued.

"These are my towers!"

The two hosts applauded in appreciation. The girls were meeting the Vocabulary requirement quite nicely.

"I'm Renata. These are the Rockies!"

"I'm Becca. Say hello to my big, bulging, babies!"

"I'm Cherie. Put your hands on my shelf!"

Mickey swore the girl he now knew as Cherie looked him in the eye as she lewdly licked her lips.

"And I'm Belinda," said the substantial blonde with the glasses as she unbuttoned her heavy coat. "And these are my... bombs."

Belinda reached below the massive prow formed by her tits and raised them so that they covered her face. They were covered with her loosely woven bikini top... but ripe flesh poked through all over. After the crowd gasped at the way the huge appendages covered her face and poked at the air above her head... Belinda abruptly pulled her hands away and let them drop. They dropped with a thud and continued moving. The men applauded in hushed awe as Belinda grinned from ear to ear.

As the music continued, Armpit and Costello grabbed two stools and sat center stage. They motioned for all eight contestants to crowd around them. Cherie almost missed the signal as she was leaning forward and doing a shimmy just for Mickey. Belinda shrewdly walked behind where the hosts were seated and framed both their heads with her humungous hooters. The music ended and the men in the lounge exploded into applause.

"Hey, Armpit! I forgot to mention the grand prize this morning," said Vinny Costello.

"Well, by all means!" said Armpit.

"It's an all-expense-paid breast reduction operation from Metro Plastic Surgery," he explained. The audience applauded politely. "Armpit, since this is what they call a trade deal," continued Costello.

"Right," said Armpit. "We mention them and they trade us that for the prize."

"Depending on who wins," said Costello, arching his eyebrows and turning around to face Belinda's imposing architechture. "We might have to mention them a lot!"

The crowd broke into laughs and applause. Armpit agreed. "I see what you mean," he said, gesturing toward big Belinda. "Metro Plastic Surgery, Metro Plastic Surgery, Metro Plastic Surgery!"

Belinda was really beginning to enjoy the attention.

"Well, you've met the contestants and you've surveyed their frontal real estate in the Half-a-Swimsuit contest," grinned Costello.

"Now it's time to get to know them better! Let's begin the interviews!" said Armpit, motioning to the first girl to step up to the microphone.

Vivian gave her friend Cherie the thumbs-up. She was doing very well, she thought. Vivian jumped when she felt a finger tap her on the shoulder. She turned to see two shy young men.

"I — I," stammered one. "I can't believe you're not up there," he said.

"Yeah, you've got the prettiest... uh... front here!" said his friend.

Vivian blushed at the very thought of a man talking to her. "Thank you," she said, nearly in a whisper.

"Um — could we sit down?" asked the first fellow.

"Yeah, we want to see them up close!" piped up his pal. The first young man shot him a dissapproving look.

"It's okay," smiled Vivian, touched and flattered. "There's two empty seats," she said, motioning with her head.

"Where?" said the boys, their eyes clearly someplace else.

Vivian knowingly put her finger in front of her chest and pointed to the chairs.

"Oh! Right!" they said, stumbling into their seats.

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Mickey didn't hear a word of the first six interviews. He was staring right at Cherie. This girl had a round-bodied confidence, a hearty sexuality, and a chubby flirtatious streak that made Mickey melt. And then there were her tits, hard-nippled and oh-so-prominent in her hot pink bikini top. Could he... could he get up the nerve to talk to her? He had to, somehow. As he did his best to plan his strategy, he saw his busty dream girl step up to the Rockin' 92 microphone.

"So, Cherie," said Armpit. "Is it Share-ey, or Share-ee?"

"Share-ey," she said, leaning into the microphone, exposing miles of creamy cleavage. "Because I love to share... with the right person."

Mickey was certain that Cherie looked him straight in the eye when she said that. He nearly stood up to claim his prize! He thought better of it, and ordered another beer.

"You got enough to share, that's for sure!" cracked Costello. "You got names for those two?"

"Of course," she purred. "They're my Pride," she said, lifting the left boob, "and Joy," she finished, lifting the right one.

"Well, you're a contender, that's for sure," mused Armpit. "We can't wait to see what Pride and Joy have planned for the Talent Competition!"

Cherie smiled what she hoped was a knowing and sexy smile and she stepped back into line with the other girls. In truth, she had no idea what she would do for the Talent Competition. Maybe that cute guy who kept staring at her would give her an idea...

A rough-looking man with graying hair came into the lounge and began surveying the girls up and down. When he spotted Belinda, shamelessly exposing her breasts in that knitted, practically transparent halter top... he fumed. He couldn't believe his wife would do that to him. Bo tried to wave to catch her attention, but Belinda was too intoxicated by the adoration she was feeling from Armpit and Costello's audience. No appearance by her insensitive and boorish husband was going to spoil her good time!

"So let's hear from our final contestant, Belinda!" said Armpit, and the men broke into warm applause. Well, thought Belinda, if it's sheer size — this competition was over!

"Belinda, I understand you have two grown children," asked Armpit.

"Yes, that's true," admitted the bespectacled blonde.

"That's amazing," said Armpit.

Belinda smiled. "Because I look too young to have grown children?"

"No," he retorted. "Because you're obviously still breast-feeding."

The audience laughed, hooted, and hollered. Belinda's husband Bo fumed, muttered, and just got angrier and angrier. Not at Belinda. At all these assholes. Who did they think they were, looking at his wife like that?

"So tell us once again, Belinda," asked Vinny Costello. "Just how big are they?"

Belinda grabbed the microphone stand and pulled it close. Just for emphasis on her answer, she shoved the metal pole the mike was mounted on between her massive monsters and let the microphone stick out her cleavage. "Forty L," she said, prompting a cheer from the fellas.

"That's your bra size?" marveled Armpit.

"No," said Belinda, with a devilish twinkle in her eye. "That's their zip code." With that, she dislodged the mike stand from her cleavage with a 'pop', and walked away, making sure everyone could see the way her breasts swayed from side to side, even from behind. The ovation was immense.

"Well, one contestant is clearly way out front!" laughed Armpit, as Belinda threw her shoulders back and thrust her chest forward to illustrate his point. "Time for the talent competition! Let's start with Janice and her jugs. A juggling act, maybe?"

Bo was wild-eyed after that display from his wife. He elbowed his way to the front of the crowd. It killed him to see Belinda getting all this attention. He wanted all those men to know those L-cuppers were his! Only his!

Cherie decided what she'd do for her talent. When Armpit and Costello called on her, she stepped up to the mike and said, "My Pride and Joy are ready — but they need a volunteer." She focused on the cute guy with the canvas shirt. "Mickey — could you step up here and help?"

Mickey stood up, thunderstruck. It was like a dream come true. Cherie beckoned him to come closer. "Mickey looks thirsty," purred Cherie. "And we'd like to help him out. Sit down in front of us, Mickey. Would you like a beer?"

Mickey sat down, facing Cherie standing before him, and just nodded. Cherie twisted the top off a beer bottle and slipped the cold vessel into her cleavage. Firmly grasping her tits from either side, she demostrated an amazing ability to hold and manipulate the full bottle of beer. Mickey's eyes widened. As he slowly opened his mouth, Cherie carefully tipped the bottle toward him and poured. The audience applauded this clever use of cleavage.

Mickey was in love.

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Bo walked from side to side in front of the stage, trying to catch his wife's eye. Belinda's nearsightedness served her well in this instance — she never knew her husband was in the audience at all. The enthusiastic and warm reception she was receiving was starting to make her think she had been wrong about how men would react to her bounty. She was more than a novelty act. These guys thought she was sexy!

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"All right, Belinda," said Costello. "Time for the forty-Ls to perform in the talent portion of our pageant!"

"Okay," said Belinda, walking to the microphone and setting her hugeness into delicious motion. "I got this idea from watching my husband crush an aluminum beer can against his head. I've got something bigger and better to do the same thing. Two things, in fact!"

One of the Highlander's busboys brought Belinda two empty Pabst Blue Ribbon cans. Belinda placed them on one of the banquet tables and again gathered her immense appendages in her arms. On a count of three, she dropped them like bombs onto the cans, flattening them thoroughly. Once again the men cheered her cleverness!

"I don't think there's any reason to pussy-foot around," said Armpit, reveling in his choice of words. "I think we're all ready to crown Miss Too-Much-Of-A-Good-Thing."

"For the sheer bigness of her boobs," said Costello.

"The heaviness of her hangers," added Armpit.

"The cleverness of her casabas," continued Costello.

"And the fortitude of her forty-L-cuppers! ...

"There's no question. The title and the crown has to go to the woman we've taken to calling 'Ohio'," said Costello.

"That's right — 'Ohio', because where other women have cleavage..." continued Armpit.

"...she has Cleveland. Miss Too-Much-Of-A-Good-Thing can be none other than... the famous forty-L cupper herself — Belinda!" said Costello with a flourish. Belinda stepped forward and raised her arms like a prize fighter, the motion of her arms again setting her Volkswagens into overdrive.

"Goddam it, stop right there!" called the wild-eyed man pacing in front of the stage.

"Bo!" said Belinda, truly startled. "I didn't know you were here!"

"No wife of mine is winning a breast reduction!" he snarled. "No fucking way!"

"That's no fricking way, sir, or we lose our license," said Costello, trying to intervene.

"Come on, Belinda," hollered Bo. "Let's go home."

"But Bo," pleaded the well-padded wife, "don't you see how thrilled these young men are to see me? To see what you've been taking for granted? Can't you hear that they're turned on?"

"Goddam right I can hear it, and I don't like it!" said Bo, holding Belinda close. "I'd like to beat the living hell out of every one of these guys, rip their eyes out of their sockets, and shove 'em up their asses!" he ranted.

"Oh, Bo," said Belinda, breathless. "That's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me!" She hugged her man so forcefully, she was in danger of wearing two huge, tit-shaped indentations into his torso. "Let's go home," she whispered.

"Yeah, let's," Bo agreed.

"Wait a minute!" said Armpit. "What about the all-expenses-paid breast reduction from Metro Plastic Surgery?"

Bo gave him a look that would freeze blood. "Touch those ta-tas," he said, "and you die."

"Can't argue with that," stammered Armpit, as the married couple disappeared.

Costello jumped in to fill the dead air. "In this case, we go to our runner-up! The coveted Miss Too-Much-Of-A-Good-Thing title goes to... Cherie!"

Cherie didn't even look away from Mickey. "No, thank you," she said, removing the empty beer bottle from her cleavage. "I'm taking Mickey home. There's other things I want to put in his mouth. Come on, handsome."

"You know when I knew you were the one for me?" said Mickey as they left the stage. "When you called me by name. It must have been meant to be. How did you know?"

Cherie smiled. "It's embroidered over your pocket, Einstein," she laughed.

"Oh!... yeah," said Mickey, blushing.

"Vivian?" said Cherie, peering into the audience to find her friend. "I can't give you a ride home, sweetie. You understand."

"No problem," said her busty companion, looking at her new throng of admirers. "I think I can find my own way home!" Behind them, all the other contestants found their way off the stage, into the arms of loved ones and appreciative spectators. Soon the entire stage was bare except for Armpit and Costello.

"So — what the hell do we do now?" asked Costello.

"What the heck? How should I know?" said Armpit. "We got this great prize and no winner."

"Uh, tune in tomorrow to find out what we're gonna do about the Miss Too-Much-Of-A-Good-Thing Pageant!" said Costello to the listening audience.

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"Good morning, everyone! Get your carcass out of bed!"

"I'm Armpit!"

"And I'm Costello. And you're tuned to Morning Mayhem on Rockin' 92!"

The Bachman-Turner Overdrive underscore began as Armpit and Costello signed on the air.

"If you were listening yesterday— " began Armpit.

"Or if you were there," offered Costello. "You know that we did not crown a Miss Too-Much-Of-A-Good-Thing. Seems our contestants had second thoughts about breast reduction!"

"But don't worry, friends! We've worked things out with Metro Plastic Surgery! Since we've already mentioned them all over the place, we've done our part."

"And they still owe us a prize! So — we're going to hold a new pageant, and the winner will get an all-expenses-paid breast augmentation from Metro Plastic Surgery!"

"A boob job for your baby! Give us a call if you'd like to be a contestant."

"Hey, Armpit!"

"Yeah, Costello?"

"I just took a couple of calls. We got two contestants already!"

"Yeah? Who?"

"Belinda and Cherie."

"What? They were there yesterday! Don't they understand that we're not giving away a reduction anymore?"

"Oh, they understand all right! They want to enter again so they can go bigger!"

"Yaaaaah!"

Rim-shots, cymbals, honks, moos, and boings...