News Release: Spanish Fly Virus

News Release: Spanish Fly Virus

© 2020, West-Coast Governor's Back-Patting Association, USA

History:

During the mid-1950s to mid-1960s, a rumor circulated in many US high schools concerning a 'homeopathic' treatment (as these sorts of things are referred to by people who don't like the pharmaceutical industry) of which a single drop (containing terpenoid cantharidin derived from the source organism, a green blister beatle), administered appropriately would turn any female human into a raging sex maniac. It affected only females age 18 to age 60.

This concoction—or the formula for it—was said to have originated near the US/Mexico border where it was used to convert staunch virgins into prostitutes who loved sex more than anything else. These converted females where then imported into the USA and used as trade goods in US commerce, for as long as their beauty and bodies lasted. (Once expended, the remaining body materials were buried, cremated, or converted to dog food.)

This active mixture of ground-up blister beatle parts (lytta vesicatoria) and other chemicals was called Spanish Fly, and if administered improperly, was said to be extremely poisonous. More than a single drop of the solution ingested centrally into an average human body reportedly caused certain death. For accidental application or overdose there was no antidote.

Fast Forward 50 Years:

In mid-2020, another import of medical significance found its way from Mexico into the US. It is believed the US President's southern border wall was erected too short and too late to stop the advancing infection threatening from south of the border, such that the virus jumped the wall, and from its green, blister beatle source, infected numerous domestic dogs and house cats, a few wolves and coyotes, herds of feral cats, several breeds of saddle horses, one breed of parakeet, and wild 'house mice' native to US Cascade Mountain and coastal regions.

Like other recent viruses (regular cold, annual flu, corona virus, etc), the incubation period for this new virus is but a matter of days, but what made it particularly difficult to diagnose was that infected male humans, either during incubation or later, showed no symptoms whatsoever. Similarly, females showed no symptoms, except uncontrollable sex drive and significantly increased aptitude for sexual position experimentation, ease of rising to orgasm, and speed of recovery after orgasm.

As a result of these symptoms, evidenced only in infected females (never under age 18 or over age 60), this viral strain was named the Spanish Fly Virus by the media. US Opinion Maker reporter, Jacob Guess, first applied this name to the current infection, based upon the Spanish Flu, so named for the 1918 infection that sickened 500 million world wide, killed an estimated 20 to 50 million world wide, and killed 675,000 in the US.

Neither the Spanish Flu virus nor the Spanish Fly virus originated in Spain, according to best sources. But conversely, it is believed the Spanish Fly virus originated in northern Mexico, but due to geographic limitations of the organism, no detectable infections occurred. Or it may, however, have originated in South-Western USA or China, where numerous infections now occur daily. The dictatorial government of China continues to deny infections spreading in certain geographic areas under its control. However, numerous credible reports leaking out of China suggest otherwise.

Typical Infection Cases (USA):

Case Number: 002231AK-ab23

Date of Diagnosis: 12/28/1999

Region of Diagnosis: NorthWest Coast, USA

Age of patient: 19

Sex of Patient: Female

Patient ethnicity: N-European (Blonde)

Description of Symptoms:

Patient suffered severe and continuous itching on virginal and vaginal tissues. Patient suffering from sleep deprivation, vaginal membrane degradation and insatiable sex drive.

Duration of symptoms: 6 days prior to diagnosis.

Summary and diagnosis: Case Number 002231AK-ab23

Patient suffering from mild Spanish Fly viral infection on virginal, vaginal tissues, rubbed raw, patient apparently suffering sleep deprivation

Prescribed Treatment:

Apply externally and internally, mild stiffness, round head brushes with adequate handle length to fully traverse the entire vaginal tract, negating virginal status during process,

Take two over-the-counter anti-allergy, decongestant tablets (Brand: XYZ or similar) every four hours,

Take two over-the-counter pain medications each six hours (Brand ZYX or similar).

Train patient in use of dildos and vaginal brushes to stave off overuse of male organs for pain/irritation relief. Instruction shall include oral, anal, and vaginal techniques.

Arrange additional sexual partners immediately before condition worsens.

Anticipated conclusion of treatment: No anticipated time, unless vaccine is developed and deployed (Present ACDC predictions: 1 - 3 years).

Case Number: 023340OR-kb01

Date of Diagnosis: 1/22/2020

Region of Diagnosis: West Coast

Age of Patient: 25

Sex of Patient: Female

Patient Ethnicity: Black

Region of Diagnosis: NorthWest Coast, USA

Symptoms in Triage:

Severe and prolonged irritation and vaginal membrane erosion. Sleep deprivation. Severe fatigue in arms and wrists from scratching vagina and mons pubis.

Summary and diagnosis: Case Number 023340OR-kb01

Patient suffering from moderate Spanish Fly viral infection.

Prescribed Treatment:

Apply external and internal, medium stiffness round head brushes with adequate handle length to fully traverse vaginal trench,

Take three over-the-counter anti-allergy (Brand: XYZ) tablets every four hours,

Take 4 over-the-counter pain relief medications each 4 hours. (Brand ZYX or similar)

Arrange more sex partners, keeping aware for over-using male organs and causing irritation to male parts,

Instruct patient in use of large size dildos, and how to prevent male organ over-use. Instruction shall include oral, anal and vaginal techniques.

Anticipated conclusion of treatment: No anticipated time, unless vaccine is developed and deployed (Present ACDC predictions: 1 - 3 years).

Case Number: 00126CA-db2

Date of Diagnosis: 2/05/2020

Region of Diagnosis: SouthernWest Coast, USA

Age of patient: 36

Sex of Patient: Female

Patient ethnicity: 4^th generation Irish (Red haired)

Description of Symptoms:

Female entered triage complaining of unbearable itch in her genital area and within her vaginal trench. Examination showed her to be vaginally irritated to the extent her lips were oozing vaginal lubricant mixed with small quantity of blood. Patient continuously rubbed and scratched her vulva and other vaginal tissues, thus explaining the rawness of those tissues.

When asked how long this condition had existed, she answered: Nearly a month.

When asked if she had found any way to relieve her discomfort, she replied: To have sex with her husband, her husband's brother, her father, her brother, or any other man she could find available.

The husband had accompanied patient to the emergency room, so he was brought to the examining room and questioned.

He appeared fatigued, as if he'd had no sleep for many nights—which he confirmed when questioned.

He said he'd done the best he could for his wife, but one man alone was only able to service a woman a few times per day—his count was 9 times himself, about the same for his brother, and the same number for his wife's brother—in a 24 hour time period.

The husband confirmed at this point, he'd brought his father and her father in-law in to help out.

Summary and Diagnosis: Case: 00126CA-db2

Patient suffering from near critical Spanish Fly virus infection

Prescribed Treatment:

Apply external and internal, maximum stiffness round head brushes with adequate handle length to fully traverse the vaginal trench,

Take 4 over-the-counter anti-allergy (Brand: XYZ) tablets every four hours,

Take 6 over-the-counter pain relief medication tablets each 4 hours. (Brand ZYX)

Arrange more sex partners, keeping aware for over-using male organs and causing

irritation to male parts,

Instruct patient in use of maximum size dildos, and encourage their use to stave off over use and exhaustion of available male sexual organs. Instruction shall include vaginal, oral, and anal techniques.

Anticipated conclusion of treatment: No anticipated time, unless vaccine is developed and deployed (Present ACDC predictions: 1 - 3 years).

West Coast Governmental Actions:

South California Governor, Graetly A. Newshound, has decreed that all convenience stores within his state of South California shall, from 15 days after this decree forward, provide in their female restrooms coin or credit card operated dildo pulsing machines of either freestanding or wall-mounted designs, said machines shall bill at no greater rate that $1.00 per 10 minutes of use. For those machines incorporating vibrators, maximum billing rate shall be $1.50 per 10 minutes. Said dildo machines shall be multi-function, having customer-selectable speed and intensity, regulated, variable temperature capability, and variable lubricant selection capability. Billing for premium lubricant selection may be additional at the site businesses's option.

All dildo pulsing machines shall be as approved by the Dildo Pulsing Machine Manufacturer's Association's testing, bear the DPMMA seal of certification and be of manufacture by firms holding membership in DPMMA.

Further: all convenience stores shall offer for immediate sale, dildos in all twelve South California State specified configurations for length and diameter, ranging from 2" diameter x 12" length to 4.25" diameter x 32" length. Dealer's markup shall not exceed 50% on dildo base cost, except in case of fluted, ribbed, or 'spiked' designs, which may be marked-up to 59%.

Gov. Newshound's decree went further, requiring all stores and facilities selling gasoline, diesel, or propane fuels to the public, within 30 days equip each fuel dispenser with a dildo pulsing machine that bills from the card reader on that fuel dispensing machine. Provisions shall be made to prevent inadvertent insertion of a fuel nozzle into a customer's throat, vagina or anus, or inserting a dildo into the fuel tank fill nozzle of a US Federally certified vehicle.

All grocery and other stores offering fresh meat or fish for sale shall display it's selection of dildos adjacent to their fresh meat/fish display cases. Those offering frozen meats shall provide separate dildo displays adjacent to their frozen meat display cases as well. For cured meats such as sausage, bacon, bologna, wieners, etc. similar dildo displays shall be provided withing 48 inches of the product display.

All dildo displays shall include free owner's manuals for all dildo (or other sexual substitution) items offered for sale, plus So. Cal. State Department of Health manuals covering insertion and use of these items.

Washington State Governor, Jayhawk P. Ensilage, issued an identical decree for all of Washington State, but added that all restaurant, tire shop, used and new car dealership, bowling alley, clothing and dress shop, used merchandise sales outlet, and plumbing and building supply restrooms shall likewise provide said dildo machines at said billing rates.

Oregon and Alaska Governors, issued decrees containing similar but not identical requirements. North California State Governor, Summer V. Hiatus, has thus far remained silent on this issue, but remarked off-record that she is getting intense pressure to get her state on-board with the West-Coast Governor's Back-Patting Association positions on the matter in order to prevent further spread of the Spanish Fly virus and protect those already infected.