No Penis Necessary

One of my friends asked me for tips about breast play and cunnilingus, and this is what I came up with. After reading it, she said I should put in on Literotica, so here it is. If you have any more ideas, by all means, say so in a comment! We'll all benefit.

Breast play:

-Don't go straight for her breasts as soon as you start kissing; there's no need to rush things, and she'll probably enjoy it more if you take your time. If you haven't had a breastable (yes, I just made that word up) relationship with her for very long, go especially slowly; see how she reacts each time you move your hand a centimeter closer to her breasts, and be sure to get explicit permission before you actually touch them for the first time. If you already have an established sexual relationship, you won't need to be so careful, but grabbing boobs right away still tends to kill the mood. Kiss, put your hands on her back, on her shoulders, on her waist; if she's happily going along with that, then she could well be up for breast play next.

-It's worth noting that everything has its exceptions; if you've had a sexual relationship for a while, playfully touching her breasts out of the blue and then kissing her might be a fun way to start a lighthearted exchange of affection and bodily fluids. I wouldn't try it on a second date, though.

-Like with most other forms of sexual touch, I suggest starting breast play very lightly, barely touching the skin with the fingertips. It arouses that area of the body without giving too much stimulation too quickly, and it's a great way to tease and make her want more. It's also a very soft touch, which many people find sensuous and reassuring.

-When you start using your whole hands on her breasts, be gentle but firm. Massaging/kneading motions combined with squeezing usually works well. (It works well for fondling her butt, too.) If you're doing this from behind, you can easily kiss her neck and ears, and hold your body close to hers.

-All of this so far can be done while she's wearing a bra, but of course it will be even more intimate and fun if she's topless. Do you and she both want that? If you (individually) do and she's not already taking it off by herself, try touching the strap and giving her a questioning look (or the side of it, if it's a strapless bra). That's a good way to ask permission without risking violating her personal space or breaking the mood.

-I hope removing brassieres is easier for you than it is for me, because I still have trouble with that. If you have trouble unhooking it, don't make a big deal of it. Remember, she's probably had trouble with it, herself. This is a great time to share a laugh and realize that you're both only human; it can really help to take the pressure off of both of you.

-It's probably best to stimulate her entire breasts with rubbing, squeezing, and maybe lightly running your fingernails over her skin, before you focus on her nipples specifically. When you do stimulate her nipples, you'll probably want to start gently, as with everything else. Brush your fingers lightly over them, rub them, pinch very lightly, then maybe not so lightly. Some people even like having them twisted; see how she reacts to the pinching before you try that. Yes, some women like a more direct approach and will be happy if you go straight for the pinching, but until she makes it clear to you, I suggest starting light and sensuous.

-Using your mouth is a wonderful part of breast play. Kiss every square inch of her breasts, maybe with licking or even nibbling, before you get to her nipples; try maybe kissing/licking your way around them and gradually homing in. When you do, start with the aureole; aureoles are sensitive and sexy, and overlooked far too often. Try circling its border with the tip of your tongue a few times, then lick and kiss all around her nipple; then kiss, suck, and lick the nipple itself (especially if it's hard). Sucking long and hard can be very pleasurable for many women (and men), and a lot of people even like having them bitten a little bit.

-Remember, there are two breasts, and they both deserve your attention. You can use your hand on one while using your mouth on the other and then switch, or use both hands for both breasts. Just make sure that both breasts get equal attention overall.

-I've heard that some (large-breasted) women like having their breasts pushed together and both nipples sucked at the same time; I haven't tried this, but it sounds like fun, doesn't it?

-Go back and forth between using your mouth and just your hands. This should help keep it going for as long as she wants without her getting too used to the stimulation either way.

-If you have breasts of your own, then I imagine that rubbing them against hers must be all kinds of heavenly. Sadly, I can't be certain.

-Some women's breasts are more sensitive than others', and some women have more sensitive nipples than others do. Be gentle at first and work your way up to whatever you're both comfortable (and pleasurable) with.

Cunnilingus:

-One way to see if she's up for having her genitals touched is to fondle her ass and or her stomach and slowly move your hand closer to her crotch, and watch her reaction as you get closer.

-When you touch her genitals, start by stroking and rubbing from the outside of her pants/skirt; you can also try touching/grinding her crotch with your leg, although some people find that invasive. If she likes that and you want to bypass her clothes, one way to find out if she's up for it is to touch the top of her waistband or slip only your fingertips inside, and watch her face for her reaction.

-When you remove her pants/skirt, you might leave her underwear in place at first to give her time to get used to losing her clothes (especially if nudity is new for your relationship). Making underpants-removal a separate step is also just a good way to prolong the fun; her choice of undergarments also can be a fun and/or sexy conversation piece. If you leave her underwear in place at first, kissing her and licking her through the fabric can help arouse you both and give her a taste of what's next (and it's fun!). This can also help you get used to her scent, which can be strong in an aroused woman. It's also a great lead-in for pulling her underwear down with your teeth, if that's your thing.

-If she's wearing a skirt, consider just removing her underwear (if she's wearing any) and making love to her with your mouth with the skirt just pulled up. Hot.

-It can be very sexy to make a show of smelling her pussy, both with and without underwear, and telling her how good she smells. Some women are insecure about the way they smell (which is sad), and playing on that insecurity in a positive way can also help put her at ease—in addition to giving you an excuse to smell her pussy.

-When you finally start touching her with your mouth, start slowly around her genitals and gradually kiss/lick/touch/tease your way inward. Spend plenty of time doing these things to her thighs, her hips, her stomach, and her mons (and back to her mouth) before you move on to her actual vulva. The joint between her leg and her outer labia can be very sensitive to kissing and licking, too.

-When you get to her genitals, still keep the kissing and licking light and slow at first, and slowly increase the length of time and the pressure; starting cunnilingus with lots of teasing is fun and arousing.

-Pubic hair is awesome, and it's everyone's right to wear it how she pleases. Longer hair tends to build up more of her natural pheromones, while the labia are often more sensitive without hair on them. While it shouldn't hurt to make a suggestion or a request (phrased as such), remember that it's ultimately up to her; many women have been made to feel ashamed of their hair, and that's a crime that shouldn't be repeated. Appreciate the natural beauty of her full-length hair, the deliberate beauty of her groomed hair, and the ease of cunnilingus when she goes completely bare.

-Even if she's already aroused to the point that her vulva is opening on its own, don't pass up her outer labia; they're sensitive and beautiful and very deserving of attention. Kiss, lick, suck, and maybe even nibble. Try running your tongue over their very edges, and up and down their outer and inner sides. This could be a good transition to pleasuring her inner labia, too.

-Stimulation from your hands or inserting a finger into her vagina during cunnilingus is pretty much standard, and for good reason. There are lots of things you can do: stimulate the G-area, thumb her clitoris, move your finger in and out, etc. Be sure to make a show of licking your finger clean; if she's gay or bi, maybe offer to share.

-Surprise, surprise—cunnilingus is almost never portrayed accurately in pornography; unless you're still teasing, you're going to use more than the very tip of your tongue, and your face will be right up against her (you lucky bastard). You'll inevitably get your chin and your nose wet in the process, but since you're intentionally wetting your tongue this way, you shouldn't have a problem with that. Use your lips and all of your tongue to please her. If you don't, you'll have a very difficult time pleasing her at all.

-Inserting your tongue into her vagina is lots of fun for both of you; go slowly, pushing a little of your tongue in, then sliding out again, and then back in a little deeper, and then out again, and on and on. Move your tongue around while it's inside her; touch everywhere you can, and just wiggle it back and forth. Try making circles with your tongue that trace all around inside her. Curl your tongue back toward your face while it's still inside her. Lick with the back of your tongue. A popular tactic is to write letters of the alphabet or entire love sonnets with your tongue (this works for her clitoris, too). There are lots of things to do with your tongue, and I'm not going to pretend this is anywhere near all of them. Experiment and find out what you both like.

-Avoid the temptation to go for her clitoris too early, too hard, or too exclusively. Since it's a very sensitive part of the body, it can get irritated easily, or just go numb; I learned this the hard way (sorry, Pam). Get her really aroused first, and then start in—I usually make the clit the last place I target. Go gently at first, teasing around her clitoris before you actually touch it. When you do touch it, just do so now and then while you continue pleasuring everything else, and gradually put more and more attention on it. As always, start lightly, then lick and suck harder and faster (biting in any way is not recommended here). It could be a good idea to start when her clitoral hood is still over her clitoris itself, since the hood can help keep the stimulation from being too intense right away while her body gets used to it. Her hood might pull back on its own when she's aroused, or you might pull it back yourself with your fingers, or you might just leave it over her clitoris, especially if hers is especially sensitive. Don't forget all the other wonderful parts of her body once you're there.

-The clitoris is far more than just the exposed part that's under the hood. Never forget this. Behind the visible part, the clitoral shaft runs back under the hood (you can feel it under the hood when it's engorged) and deep into her body, where it branches out into two clitoral legs. You can stimulate the shaft by stroking/kissing/licking it through her hood, and massage the clitoral legs through the inside of her vagina. This less-direct stimulation will be highly pleasurable for any woman, and can be perfect for those whose clits are too sensitive for direct stimulation. Love the entire clit, not just the tip of the iceberg.

-Use your hands during cunnilingus, too. Fingers can stroke the outside or inside, or be thrust in and out, or just stay inside to give her a feeling of fullness or something to contract around. (Just make sure you have clean hands and tidy, non-sharp nails.) Push her legs open with your hands, spread her labia with your fingers while you put your mouth to its best possible use, or stroke her G-area with one or more fingers while you use your mouth on her clitoris. Reach up and touch her stomach and breasts with one hand while giving cunnilingus. Holding a woman's hand while giving her oral is a wonderful experience.

-A lovely technique is to stroke her G-area with the fingers of one hand while using the other to gently push down on the outside of her body just above her pubic bone, making the G-area stimulation especially intense. The popular name for this is Heaven's Back Door.

-Mix it up. Go back to running your tongue between her labia majora and minora after you've been sucking on her clitoris, for example, and switch off between her clitoris and inside her vagina. Just keep it varied. This keeps it exciting, and can prolong the arousal and make any eventual orgasms stronger. She'll let you know when she's getting close to coming and wants you to stay where you are.

-If you can tell when she's getting close to coming, you might like to ease up on her just a little and let it subside. Do that a few times during the cunnilingus session, and when you finally do make her come, it will be incredibly intense for her. She'll be frustrated as hell at first, but the finish will probably make her forgive you. Yes, it can take a long time, but hey, who doesn't love making a woman moan for an hour?

-After a woman has had all the cunnilingus she wants (she might have to give you cues like tugging on your hair or saying out loud that she's had all she can take), be sure to show her how much you enjoyed what you just did. Lick your lips, smile, suck on your fingers, tell her how beautiful she is, etc. Kiss every part of her body again (paying particular attention to her breasts is good) as you move back up her body for a cuddle. Kissing your way back up her body is sexy and fun.

-Kissing a woman's genitals after you've just brought her to orgasm can be fun for you both. She'll be extremely sensitive, so even a little kiss can give her extra tremors. ("I have to stop now? Okay." *kiss* "Oh, did you enjoy that?" *kiss* Etc.) Just don't do it so many times that it irritates her (physically or mentally). Two or three times are probably pretty safe.

-Not all women like the taste of their own sexual fluids, especially if they're not into women, so she might ask you to wash your face between giving her oral and kissing her again. Go ahead and try for the mouth-to-mouth kiss when you're both finished (it's romantic!), but don't feel bad if she's not up for it.

-If a woman is about to ejaculate, it feels like she has to urinate. If you think ejaculation could come into play (you plan on stimulating her G-area, for example), you may want to make sure everyone visits the bathroom before you get going so you can both be sure what it is she's feeling.

-Some women like butt stimulation, too. Squeeze and massage her ass. Trace your fingertip(s) over or between her bare cheeks. Touch her anus with just a fingertip. If she enjoys one thing, experiment one step farther (but not necessarily right away). And since our culture still has a lot of weird feelings about the butt, talk about it!

-If a woman has genital piercings, they can add stimulation when you please her orally, the same way lip piercings add sensation in kissing. Tongue piercings generally aren't helpful for cunnilingus; if they're close enough to the front of the tongue to be felt on her genitals, they're close enough to wreck your teeth. An extra word of caution: tongue and lip piercings do not go well with genital piercings. Yes, they can get caught on each other! If she's got rings or studs in her labia or clitoral hood, replace your mouth piercings with retainers before you reach her genitals. And hey, if that's the only time you put the retainers in, you can make a show of it, and make her all hot and bothered.

-If she's giving you oral, show how much you appreciate it by stroking her hair, encouraging her ("Oh God, that feels good," etc.), and generally making her feel appreciated.

-Lube can be helpful for cunnilingus if she's stressed or not fully aroused yet, or if she's just naturally not a very wet person.

-She doesn't have to be lying back for you to give her oral. She can stand and you can kneel, she could sit down with her butt on the edge of her seat, she can get on all fours and have you pleasure her from behind, etc. Get creative.

-Toys are good toys are good toys are good toys are good toys are good.

-If she is lying on her back, it can be helpful to put a pillow under her butt or her lower back. This will give you easier access to her genitals and take some strain off her back.

-There's nothing wrong with giving a woman oral while she's on her period. Unless she's bleeding heavily, you'll probably barely even taste the blood; some people even like it. Just put down a towel, and have fun.

-Period or not, use dental dams and gloves if you don't know each other very well or if there's any other risk factor that she might have an STI. STIs don't make you a bad person, but they should be taken seriously. Lubing up her side of the dam will help her enjoy it more; flavored lube on your side will make it more enjoyable, since dams generally taste like latex.

-The tongue does get tired. Tongue-strengthening exercises that I've learned: point the tip of your tongue toward the back of your mouth as hard as you can for as long as you can; stick your tongue out as long and hard as you can, to both sides as well as straight forward; stick it out and make hard circles all around in both directions, like you're trying to lick your lips with your back taste buds; and, of course, just practice giving oral. Some of these you shouldn't do at work or on the bus, so try them in the shower or while you're going to sleep.

Sex in general:

-Make sure you and your partner are both comfortable with what you're doing before you decide to try for the next, more intimate act. Even when sex is a possibility or expectation, still take your time with the kissing and not-so-sexual touching; it will show your partner that you're actually enjoying it, and it will underline that going from kissing to full-on sex isn't a Point A to Point B progression. Enjoy everything for what it is, and enjoy her for who she is.

-Remember, if she's not up for having a certain part of her body touched or for having a particular kind of sex, it doesn't mean she doesn't like you; sometimes people just don't feel like it. Reassure her that it's all right that she doesn't want to give oral or whatever, and ask if you can both continue what you've already been doing; she'll probably be happy to keep with it.

-Again, there's no need to hurry. Starting slow and going slow with every part of sex helps everyone feel relaxed and comfortable with everything that's being done, and it helps everyone enjoy every aspect instead of rushing to get to one particular act. It will help you both relax, get used to the sensations, feel ready for what may come next, and not feel pressured to have an orgasm or do anything else. Taking your time also seems to make for a longer buildup of orgasm (if orgasm is your intention), and ultimately a more satisfying climax if and when the time comes. On top of that, going slowly just gives you more time to touch and kiss her entire body. Everyone wins!

-When you're kissing her (on her mouth and everywhere else), use your hands. Stroke her cheek or her hair, cradle her neck, gently grip her upper arms, lightly massage her back, hold her hand, and so on. Maybe you could even squeeze her butt, too.

-Orgasm is great, but remember that it's not the goal. The goal is to give her pleasure, and more importantly, to make her feel loved. Don't feel bad if she doesn't come, especially if you're still getting used to sex with each other; if she feels bad for not coming, let her know that there's nothing wrong with it and that it doesn't make any difference in how much you like her. No apologies are necessary from anyone. Not only can sex be gratifying without orgasm, but it's freeing and relaxing when orgasm isn't expected and doesn't feel like an obligation. (Ironically, this relaxation and comfort with sex actually make orgasm more likely. The stress of trying to come for your partner just counteracts your own efforts.)