On Being Proactive

Thanks to Techsan for editing this story for me.

My name is Allen Harris and I am thirty-six years old. For the last ten years I have been working as a network manager for a large insurance company in Cincinnati, Ohio. In order to be successful at my job I have to act proactively and think logically to solve problems and keep our network up. This is extremely important because the company loses thousands of dollars for every minute the network is down. For the most part I have been able to apply the skills I have learned in my job to the rest of my life. I always try to head problems off before they happen and think carefully and rationally before reacting to the problems that I was not able to foresee or prevent. This way of dealing with life has worked well for me up until recently when I was faced with some challenges that tested my ability to think rationally and react logically.

Although I didn't know it at the time my problems started last June when I took the family to Paducah, Kentucky to attend a wedding. Paducah was my wife Tracy's home town and the bride was Tracy's cousin.

At the wedding Tracy ran into Jill Tanner, an old friend of hers from high school, and she suggested that we meet her and her husband Frank that evening for a drink. That evening, after the reception Tracy and I left our nine year old son Matthew and our seven year old daughter Lisa with Tracy's parents and we went out to meet Tracy's friends. I had never spent much time in Paducah so Tracy had to give me directions to Brian's Barn where Jill and Frank, were waiting for us.

Brian's Barn was not only the name of the place but also an apt description. The bar was in a restored barn. When we entered we were in a large room with a circular bar in the middle. There were tables scattered around the outside walls and a dance floor at one end of the bar. Against the wall beyond the dance floor was a band stand but the band was not playing when we entered. Jill and Frank were sitting at a table at the opposite end of the room from the dance floor and Jill waived at us when we came in.

After the introductions were made we ordered drinks and began chatting. It turned out that Frank also worked with computer networks and we were soon swapping stories of the strange or unusual network problems we have encountered over the years. By the time the band started to play we were so deep into our discussion and sitting so close together to be able to hear each other over the load music that I hadn't noticed that Tracy and Jill had left the table. It wasn't until I realized that my beer was empty and looked up to see if anyone else needed a drink that I noticed the girls were missing.

"This is a hang out for a lot of the people our age," Frank shouted over the music. Jill and Tracy probably ran into some old friends."

Frank and I got up and walked over to the bar to get another round of beers and I spotted Tracy talking to a guy on the other side of the bar. He looked to be about my size and probably about the same age. By the expression on their faces I could tell that he and Tracy knew each other. As I picked my fresh beer up off the bar I looked over at Tracy again. I am not normally a jealous person and I have always trusted Tracy. She has never given me any reason to make trust an issue and from what I could see there was nothing about the conversation she was having with her friend that concerned me. Frank and I took our beers back over to the table and resumed our conversation about content delivery over a broad band network, not exactly a subject that Tracy and Jill would have found interesting.

It was about an hour later that Tracy and Jill returned to the table. I cold tell by the look on Tracy's face that it was time for me to stop talking shop and include them in our conversation. The rest of the evening was very pleasant. I had taken a liking to Frank and Jill and before we left that night we invited them to come visit us in Cincinnati to go to a Reds' baseball game.

During the ride back to Tracy's parents house I asked her about the guy I had seen her talking to.

"That was Barry Fox," she said. "He was a friend of mine in high school. I'm sorry I was gone so long but I was having fun talking to friends I haven't seen in several years. We were telling stories about our high school days and they were bringing me up to date on a lot of our other friends."

"I am glad you had fun. I was so tied up talking to Frank I never even saw you leave the table."

"Aren't Jill and Frank nice?" Tracy asked.

"Yes. I really liked them," I said.

"You know they got married right out of high school. Jill got pregnant just before graduation and they got married that July. Everybody was talking behind their backs saying that they would end up divorced. Nobody thought they would stay together but it's been eighteen years and Jill told me that they're still in love."

"We've been together for fourteen years," I said. "Do you still love me?"

"You know I do," Tracy said and then she leaned over and kissed me.

The next morning after thanking Tracy's parents for putting us up and for baby sitting for us the previous night we made the four hour drive back to Cincinnati.

Two weeks later on Saturday afternoon I was in my workshop sharpening my lawn mower blade and Tracy had just left to do the grocery shopping when the phone rang. Because of my need to be available in case there is a network problem on the weekend I had a telephone installed in my workshop so that I could be reached when I am working around the house. That is in addition to my pager and my cell phone. As I picked up the phone on the third ring my son Matthew said, "Hello."

"Hi, who is this?" The caller asked.

"I'm Matthew."

"Well hello Matthew, is your mother home?"

I was about to speak but decided to see how my nine year old would handle the call.

"No sir," he said. "My mom just went to the store. Can I take a message?"

I was proud of him. He had handled the call just the way I had taught him.

"Yes thank you," the caller said. "I am an old friend of your mothers. My name is Barry. Would you please tell her I called?"

"Yes sir, I'll tell her you called," Matthew said.

"Tell your mom I'll call her tonight at eight o'clock," the caller said.

"I will tell her."

"Thanks Matthew."

I was surprised by the call. Could this be the Barry that Tracy was talking to in Paducah? Why would he be calling Tracy? I don't know why but these questions made my stomach tighten up a bit. I guessed that I was just going to have to wait until he called back at eight o'clock to see what he wanted. I managed to put the questions out of my head and got back to what I was doing.

I finished up my outside chores about a half hour later and went in the house to shower. I had finished my shower and when I saw that Tracy wasn't home yet I let my curiosity about Barry Fox get the better of me and I did something I had never before done. I went into Tracy's closet and found the box where she keeps personal things that have special meaning to her. It wasn't my intent to invade her privacy. I only wanted to find her high school yearbook.

The first time I had ever seen her yearbook was when we first moved in together during graduate school. It was in this same box full of her personal items. She had told me then that the items in the box predated our relationship and were important to her and she would prefer that I didn't look at her stuff but if I insisted she would tell me what was in there. She said that she wasn't trying to keep any secrets from me; it was just that these things were personal and private. I told her that I would not need to see them.

Examining the contents of the box I found a bundle of letters I had sent Tracy the summer after we met. Our wedding invitation was in there along with every birthday, anniversary, valentine, and mother's day card I had ever given her. By the time I got to the bottom of the box I was feeling pretty good. The only thing in that box that didn't have anything to do with our relationship was Tracy's high school year book.

That afternoon was the first time in the fourteen years we had been together that I looked inside the box. It was very comforting to see that her year book was the only thing she kept from before we met. I would never expect her to get rid of her yearbook because I still had mine but it was sure nice to see that everything else that predated our life together was gone.

I opened the book and turned to Tracy's senior picture. At seventeen she was a very pretty girl and in her face I could see the woman I married. I flipped slowly through the pages looking at the notes written by her friends. They were the same kind of notes I would have found in my own year book. "I will always remember the fun we had in Mr. Sayer's class," or "I know we will always be friends." Then I turned the page to find the pictures of students whose last name began with an F and there I found Barry Fox.

Barry had written a long note next to his picture. Even thought it had been written eighteen years earlier, long before I knew Tracy, his note made me feel uneasy.

"My Dearest Tracy," the note began, "I can't begin to tell you how much you have meant to me these last six months. I am so in love with you that sometimes I feel like I might explode. Then last week when your parents were out of town you made me feel like a real man for the first time in my life. You are the only thing I think about anymore and I know that I will love you for the rest of my life. I can't wait till summer so that we can be together all of the time."

The note was signed, "Love always, Barry."

I didn't have to read the note twice to understand what Barry had said. He and Tracy had made love in her parents' house. I knew Tracy wasn't a virgin when we started dating in college but I had never thought about her previous lover or lovers. Reading Barry's note disturbed me but I knew that it shouldn't and I felt guilty for invading Tracy's privacy and I wished that I had not read Barry's note.

Just then I heard Tracy's car pulling into the garage so I quickly slipped her yearbook into the bottom of the box and put the box back where I found it. I made sure that I had left no evidence of my envasion of Tracy's privacy and then I went down to the garage to help her with the groceries.

As we were putting the groceries away Matthew came into the kitchen and I realized that he was going to tell Tracy about the phone call from Barry. I quickly left the room so that I would not be there when Matthew gave Tracy the message from Barry. It was an instantaneous decision. I had originally planned to be there when she got the message so that I could ask her why he would be calling. At the last second I decided that I was just going to wait until after he called her back and then ask her who called and what he wanted.

Tracy had not done anything sneaky or devious so I had a hard time understanding why I reacted the way I did. I didn't know what I was doing but decided to just let my instincts guide me.

When I returned to the kitchen Tracy was still putting the groceries away. She had a strange expression on her face when she looked at me.

"Where did you disappear to so suddenly?" she asked.

"I had to go to the bathroom."

"Matthew said that someone named Barry called me and said he would call back at eight o'clock," Tracy said. "Do you know anything about that?"

"No. When did he call?"

"Matthew said it was three o'clock."

"Matthew is getting pretty good at taking messages, isn't he?" I said to cover up my discomfort.

I wondered if Matthew had told his mother that Barry said he was an old friend of hers or did she think this might be some other person named Barry? I had a hard time believing that she wouldn't know that it was her friend Barry calling. It would be too much of a coincidence for it to be anyone else.

"What do you think he wants?" I said.

"Probably just someone collecting for charity or another of those credit card solicitation calls," Tracy said.

Tracy looked a little uncomfortable when she said this and I was getting tenser by the minute. Tracy was open with me about the phone message but not completely. She didn't bother to acknowledge that it was her friend Barry from Paducah that had called.

This called for a change of plans for me. Now I wanted to hear this phone call when it took place.

"You're probably right," I said. "We have been getting a lot of those credit card solicitations lately."

The rest of the afternoon Tracy was quiet and she looked a little uneasy. At dinner that evening she hardly looked at me and seemed to concentrate all her attention on Matthew and Lisa. I was beginning to feel as though I had done something wrong and Tracy was mad at me but I knew that wasn't the case.

At 7:30 PM I told Tracy that I had pulled the lawn mower apart and that I was going out to my workshop to put it back together so that I could mow the lawn on Sunday.

The look on Tracy's face was one of relief. I wasn't going to be in the house when Barry called back at eight o'clock. I guessed that Tracy was relieved that I would be out in the shop when he called, never dreaming that I planned to listen in on the call.

It was 8:10 when the phone finally rang. I waited till the light on the phone came on indicating that the line was active and then I picked up the phone and hit the mute button at the same time.

"Hello?"

"Tracy?"

"Yes."

"Hi. It's Barry. How are you?"

"Hi, Barry. I'm fine. This is a surprise," Tracy said.

"I hope a pleasant one," Barry said.

Tracy didn't comment.

"I just wanted to call and tell you how much I enjoyed seeing you after all these years," Barry said.

"It was great seeing you, too."

"When I got home and told Karen that I saw you she was pissed that she missed you. She wanted me to tell you to make sure and call her the next time you're in Paducah."

"I wish Karen had been there. I would love to have seen her," Tracy said.

I was beginning to feel better. The call seemed innocent enough.

"I am glad that Karen wasn't there," Barry said. "I would not have been able to dance with you like that if my wife had been there."

Dance like what? Alarms started going off in my head.

"We should not have been dancing like that. My husband was on the other side of the room and could easily have seen us," Tracy said.

"You didn't seem to mind at the time."

"I had too much to drink," Tracy said.

I wondered what the hell they had done on the dance floor. Tracy had never even mentioned that she had been dancing that night.

After that, the call became just a conversation between friends. I didn't know what to think about what I had heard but decided that whatever happened that night I wouldn't let it become a problem.

I figured the call was almost over when I was hit with another surprise.

"Tracy, I have had a change in my sales territory and I will be coming to Cincinnati a few times a year now. I expect to be up there in about three weeks and I was wondering if I could take you out to dinner when I was in town," Barry said.

Tracy was silent for a moment and then said, "I am not sure that Allen would be comfortable going out to dinner with one of my old boyfriends."

"One of your old boyfriends? I hope I was more than just one of your old boyfriends," Barry said. "Anyway, I wasn't planning on inviting your husband to go with us."

"I can't go out to dinner with you," Tracy said.

"Why not?"

"Isn't it obvious? We are both married and I don't go out on dates with anyone other than my husband," Tracy said.

I was glad to hear her say that.

"It's just dinner between old friends. It's no big deal. When we were talking at the 'Barn' I had the feeling that you wanted more time to talk," Barry said.

"I did want to find out what happened to a few more of our old friends."

"Okay then, we'll have dinner and I will get you caught up on what's happening with all of your old friends in Paducah."

"Just dinner and conversation?" Tracy asked.

That question made me very uneasy. It sounded like Tracy was actually considering his invitation.

"Yes. Dinner and conversation... Then we'll see what else happens," Barry said.

At that point I wanted to scream into the phone but I didn't.

"I don't think that is a good idea," Tracy said.

"Listen Tracy, I wouldn't be asking you to meet me if your kiss hadn't told me that you shared my desire."

"Barry! Don't say that. That was just a kiss of friendship so don't read anything in to it."

The knots in my stomach were getting tighter. Tracy seemed to be resisting Barry but she wasn't firm enough to convince him, or me for that matter, that she wasn't interested in his invitation.

"I'll give you time to think about this and I'll call you again when I know exactly when I'll be in Cincinnati," Barry said.

"No. You can't call me."

"Why?"

"Allen will get suspicious of these phone calls and I don't know how I would explain them to him."

"Well then, what is your number at work?"

"I can't have you calling me at work either."

I felt that Tracy was finally shutting Barry down. She was basically telling him not to call her again.

"Can I send you an e-mail?" Barry asked.

"Yes. That would be best," Tracy said.

I listened as she gave him her e-mail address and I felt as though I was going to vomit.

"Okay then. Look for my e-mail next week. Tracy, you know I still love you."

"Don't say that, Barry."

That was the end of the call. I was so upset I had to take a walk around the block to get fresh air into my lungs and clear my head. I started reviewing what I had heard and tried to make sense of it. I had just heard my wife's former lover invite her to have an affair with him. Tracy may want to believe that it was just a dinner invitation but she has to know there was more to it than that. Barry had said that he would be in Cincinnati several times a year indicating, at least to me, that he was contemplating a long term affair with my wife. That meant that if he wasn't successful in getting Tracy into bed on his first visit he would try again on the next.

I tried to deal with all this information but I was too emotional to come to any conclusions. Every time I started to think about what might happen I got angry. I was starting to talk to myself saying things like, "if she fucks him I'll throw her ass out and I'll beat the fuck out of him." No rational thoughts, only emotion and that was mostly anger.

By the time I got back home I had calmed myself to the point that I felt I was under control enough to go in the house and face Tracy without blowing up. After all, she still hadn't done anything. I had decided that I would spy on her e-mail and wait to see if any real problem developed. It might just be that once Barry sent her an e-mail that she would have had time to think about what was happening and tell him that she would not see him.

When I went into the house Tracy looked at me funny for a minute and then asked, "Where were you. I went out to your workshop and you were not there."

"I was restless and it is a beautiful night so I took a walk around the block."

"Are you still restless?" Tracy asked.

"I don't know, why?"

"Do you want to go around the block again and this time I'll go with you," Tracy said.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to be in a situation where I would have to talk to Tracy.

"I don't think we should leave the kids home alone."

"I guess you're right."

Without saying another word I walked passed Tracy and into the living room. I sat down and turned on the television and for the next hour and a half I didn't say a word.

At eleven o'clock I turned the television off and went up to bed. Tracy had been watching television with me and followed me up to bed without speaking. I made a mental note of how we both seemed to be deep in our own thoughts. In our bedroom I stripped and put on a pair of boxer shorts and a tee shirt, which was my preferred bed wear in the summer, and slipped into bed. When Tracy got into bed I rolled onto my side facing away from her.