OZone 00 : Come Again?

"I bet you're wondering what a guy like me is doin' standing over a mile marker with his pants down to his knees. Passersbys gawkin' as I'm jerkin' Junior to high heaven prolly looks a tad disrespectful to the public eye. True nuff!

"I still got my boxers up so ain't no bare ass harass, smilin' and defilin' the next generation. I'm facing the marker so they can't see ole Junior. He's, my pecker. Mite egotistical some might say. Reckon so! Am who I am, is who I is. Blame my attitude on Popeye. Hell, I might rename Junior here Popeye seeing as he's a winker.

"Still, ole Junior and me got ourselves an understanding. He stands up for me when I need him. I defend him at all costs. Mind of his own, ole Junior. Course, I can talk him into anything. Right this very minute we're standin' tall together. Claimin' what's rightfully ours.

"See this here mile marker? Course, y'all can't, I'm standin' in the way. I'd turn around but y'all would start blushin' or rushin'. I don't want neither. To be honest this here is just between Me and the Missus. This here marker is where I lost my wife Nora. Drunk driver struck her head on. Killed both of 'em instantly. I done watered the flowers I left her here at my feet. Pissed on 'em. Disrespect? To you maybe. Not to Noralou. Ya see, I wasn't just her Mate. I was her MASTER.

"Yup! Just like Honest Abe, y'all are Lincoln the right ideas. 'Cept that she chose to serve me. Had nothin' to do with anythin' civil. It's a sex type thing. Domination over the soul. She was my one. I was her OZ. That there Kansas whirlwind I brought to Alabama the day I proposed. Union? There is that! Thing is I was the final vote. She never crossed the line. Well, except the line in the highway there. Lil' misty here just overlook the bad boy. Master is home baby! It's time I settled a few things, including my ass. I owe it to your kin, my kin. I'm pretty sure they understood the situation but that don't make it right.

"Loosen up yer bible belts Alabama I'm livin' my life MY WAY. Not tellin' any of y'all how to lead yers, so, don't go judgin' and nudgin' cuz it won't work. I'm happy. The hold I have is pure loyalty. Nora loved me for who and what I was. Good and bad. Even the downright ugly. Pissin' on her used to make her beam with pride. Cummin'? Now that there made her soul squeal with deeeeelight. For what it's worth that's what I'm doin' now. Junior's coursin' no remorsin'. In' bout two minutes I'm gonna coat this here signpost with all I got. Not just for Nora. But for Momma Earth. She and God are all that I answer to. God might be frownin' at me but in the end, he knows the true man I am.

"Momma Earth? She gets it full in the face no disgrace. Women adore me. She's no different.

"See this here twenty-mile marker to Bartlett, Alabama? I'll step aside nuff for a peeksee. Not only did Nora lose her life here she gave me reason to live. That there's a true soulmate. Her spark left me a Will that you just wouldn't believe. In more ways than one. Lots of zeroes behind that one. I call it WillpOUR. Spelled how it's writ.

"The strength I've always had inside multiplied by millions. Dollars that is! We won't go into the bank account. At any rate. Look around me. Not too closely ya might get shot in the eye.

"I mean the land. Far as the eye can see. I inherited 22 miles of it. Give or take a few acres. I'm workin' on that. The LeGend legacy began here. That's pronounced Lay Jean for those of ya that don't pick up on the French quarter I just flipped.

"That there's Nora's maiden name. Nora LeGend. Y'all might have heard of her. Classical Broadway? Songbird? Voice that could make a Rattler shake his booty.

"God, I miss her.

"After she died, I closed my world off. We'll get to those specifics. Ain't purdy! But I'm here to fix all that. Takes time to start fresh. My life used to be good.

"Went south. Further south than Alabama. Kicked the Devil out and handed those two old timers his pitchfork. Y'all know the portrait. Home. Devil lives in Wichita right where that twister rolled on through like a fate train and plopped the goods down here in Bama. Keep the home fires burnin'?

"Anyway, I'm gonna shoot my load now. Junior says pay attention.

"Oooooh, yeahhhhhhh! Thar, he blows. Mother's milk from Daddy's kilt. Drink up Momma Earth. More where that came from. The cow's cashed in. Bulls brewin' n spewin'.

"Soak it all up and know that Daddy's home. For good this time.

"Some old lady just yelled at me. Pervert she sez. Flipped her off with both hands behind my back. After I turned around. Reckon Junior bird-dogged Granny too. Spit happens!

"I know yer chucklin'. I prolly best get. Won't be long before the State boys get alerted. Course, they won't shake my hands 'til I wash up. They know me down here. Respect and Expect! Cuffs are for muffs!

"While I have my britches down. Just one more thing I gotta do. Gonna walk forty yards' over here and take me a crap. Yup! Boxers are down.

"This here is where the drunk driver died. Gonna fertilize his spot with a huge ass turd. He took my world. I'm taking her back. Momma Earth can keep him.

"Good thing I carry a hanky. Wipin', swipin', and gripin'. Here! You can keep the hanky.

"Ight! Time for me to go.

"Welcome me home with open charms.

"Garrison Dhorne is back.

"Time to feed the Baby."