Precious Monster

"All this just confuses me," Lily said. She swiveled in her chair. "What about you?" she said. "How do they make you feel?"

"We're not here to talk about me."

"But I'd like to." Lily's blue eyes gleamed. "You're normal. I want to know what normal people think about sex. It's important, isn't it?"

Ashe wasn't sure if it was Lily's gaze, the scenes on the television, or simple embarrassment, but she was having trouble catching her breath. Her voice sounded throaty. Another girl-girl scene was on now, an extreme close-up of one woman's splayed thighs while a blond crouched between them with vibrator in hand. The blond licked her lips, then the plastic tip of the toy. Ashe was painfully aware of the glare from the one-way mirror and her ignorance of who was behind it. Rather than think about it, she concentrated on Lily. Only Lily mattered anyway.

"Sex can be very important," Ashe continued. Lily was attentive. More attentive than Ashe remembered her ever being before, actually. The TV speakers continued to punctuate their conversation:

"Ahhh, yes...yes...ohhhh, fuck, YES!"

"It's an urge that lets you know...when you've found someone remarkable. Someone you're willing to compromise yourself for."

It sounded awful, but it just rolled right out of Ashe's mouth and Lily seemed to accept it. The screen changed to a woman, bent over and manacled to the ground, her ass flogged by offscreen assailants. Her screams approached an Aria-like pitch:

"Oh, fuck, I've been bad...I've been so bad...I've been terrible, dirty, awful, and very, very, very, AH, God!"

"Like you?" Lily said. Ashe's mouth went dry. "You told me to be willing to learn about myself. That's something I never wanted to do, so that's compromising. And I've never had a doctor like you, so that means you're remarkable. I think, if you weren't my doctor, you're someone I'd be attracted to."

For a fleeting second Lily's little pink tongue flickered over her soft, juvenile lips; it was both alluring and obscene. "Do you think I'm right, Dr. Ashe?"

"I think..."

Ashe could not help but notice Lily's hands--white as goose down and, by the looks of them, just as soft. They were making an enticing journey up Lily's bare calves, across her knees and then to the hem of her ill-fitting hospital gown, which crept a fraction of an inch up the bare flesh of her legs to reveal naked thigh. She squeezed her legs together but slid three fingers into the tight space between them. She bit her lower lip. Ashe was very careful not to shift her legs or hips. There was an ache she didn't want to betray. The cold, sterile clinic room felt hot and humid all of a sudden. She stopped to daub perspiration from her throat. Lily reached out, murmuring, "Let me," and then...

Ashe switched the TV off. Lily sat back, suddenly rigid. For a moment they stared at one another. Then Ashe said: "As I was saying, attraction can be a valuable insight into your own person. The things you see in someone else are often what you want to see in yourself. It's something we can talk about at length when you feel comfortable exploring the subject further. But as your doctor, there are certain limits to what is appropriate, and these limits are for your own good. Do you understand?"

Lily's face was impossible to read. Ashe pretended to make a few notes. She did not look at the mirror. Finally she said: "I need to get a little air. We'll continue our conversation from yesterday when I get back. All right?" She smiled as wide as she could and left without seeing whether Lily returned it.

In the corridor, once out of sight, she wiped her palms on her sleeves. She was still sweating when she left the building.

***

Lily's Diary, Day 72:

I watched one of the nurses for a long time today. I wanted to see what he did when I was not around. But then I realized I did not know if he really did not know if I was around or if he was just pretending. So I asked him whether he knew I was there or not. He screamed very loud.

The other nurses said that I should not scare people like that. I told them I have always scared people. They said that I should learn to be decent. I said that I was trying, and that is why I wanted to see what the nurse did. Then they told me to go away.

They say that the nurse will not come back to work. They say he is in another hospital and is very sick from screaming. I wish I could see what he was doing now that I am really not around. Maybe one night I will.

***

Ashe only owned three real dresses and she had no idea which of them was the nicest, so she just picked one. The AD sat across from her, surprisingly sharp in a tailored suit. She was only just now realizing she did not remember his name. He did have one, didn't he? Or maybe ADs were grown in jars in hospital basements and given numbers instead of names. Maybe if she looked close enough she could find where his number was stamped on the back of his head. She tried not to laugh at the thought.

"So why medical school?" he was asking.

Ashe swirled the ice in her glass. "I guess because I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life. I figured if I became a doctor at least no one could tell me I hadn't done enough. What about you?"

"Tradition: All the men in my family are doctors. Except for my great uncle who drives a bus. We stopped inviting him to Thanksgiving over it."

Ashe laughed. She was pretty sure it was a joke. It was reasonably funny in any case. She toyed with her hair; she hadn't been sure what to do with it, but she supposed it didn't matter. I'm not here to impress him, she told herself. Why she was here at all was a mystery, but when he'd asked her (for the third time) the idea of a night out became appealing. And he wasn't all that bad company, really, once you talked to him for a while. He wasn't her type. But then, who was?

The waiter returned. Ashe ate roast duck and tried to remember the last time she had a meal that didn't come out of a can. Her stomach growled. She wondered if it was acceptable to order seconds. The harp player in the corner changed songs and Ashe shifted in the tight dress. The AD peered over the rims of his glasses, seeming to come to a kind of decision.

"Well," he said, "no sense putting it off any longer: We have nothing to talk about except your case, so let's talk about it."

Ashe's relief surprised her, and also disappointed her. She blotted her mouth with her napkin to hide it.

"For the most part, I think we're coming to a helpful place," Ashe said. "It's really hard to know exactly where I stand with all of my predecessors' files sealed. But I'm confident." She tensed. The AD was ready for her.

"And you have something unorthodox that you'd like to propose, right?"

She exhaled slowly. This was it; now or never. "I'd like to take Lily out of the clinic. A supervised leave, in my custody."

The AD sawed his knife through a braised haunch of lamb, still peering at her. "You realize that'll be a tough sell?"

"That's why I'm asking for your help convincing the director."

"What makes you think I'll help?"

"You've already demonstrated that you're also willing to explore unorthodox avenues of treatment with her." She let her fork slide against her teeth as she took the next bite, keeping eye contact with him, daring him to back down. He switched tactics.

"And how will this help Lily?"

"I think that the clinic itself has become the focal point of her self-stigmatizing behavior."

"And leaving will snap her out of it?"

"I think it's the necessary first step."

"You do realize that there's more to her case than the psychological? Her physical abnormalities--"

"Those aren't--"

"You can't continue to ignore the facts. She's not normal. She's not--"

"Human?"

"I didn't say that."

"But that's what you think. That's what everyone thinks. You're afraid that if you let her leave the clinic that she'll run wild in the countryside and terrorize the villagers."

The AD sighed and shook his head. He forked a bite into his mouth. "You'd need her consent to take her anywhere. She won't like it."

"I'll convince her."

"You think she trusts you that much?"

"Yes," Ashe said. She pushed her plate away. The harpist had stopped playing. The AD examined his cufflinks very closely, not meeting her eye. "You like to gamble?" he said.

"This isn't a gamble."

"No, I mean there's a casino on the upper floor. Are you a blackjack kind of woman?"

"Oh." Ashe blinked. "Yes, I think I am."

He pushed her chair in for her and escorted her to the elevator. "So where do you propose to keep her for the duration of this...sabbatical?"

Ashe smiled. "I have somewhere special in mind," she said.

***

Lily shrank against Ashe for protection. Her electric blue eyes swept over the grass and the trees and the grey-gold of the sunlight through the clouds, and she clutched the hem of Ashe's shirt. "Is it all real?" she said.

"Very real," Ashe said. She kept one arm around Lily's shoulders and closed the car door. It was a cold, foggy morning and she wore a heavy coat for protection. Lily wore only a light shirt and slacks; Ashe had bought the clothes for her herself. Lily had never worn anything but clinic-issued clothing and found her new outfits funny. Ashe guided her up the driveway, toward the house.

"Is this yours?" Lily said.

"It was my father's," said Ashe. "Which means it's mine now. But I don't live here normally."

"And...how far are we from the clinic?" She had asked that many times. Ashe had tried to answer in a way that would make sense to her, and even showed her several times on a map, but it was hard to make anything sink in. She pointed to the nearest copse of trees.

"Well, if you hike through there, you find yourself just on the edge of the headlands, and if you hike a little ways further you can see the bridge." She paused. "The Golden Gate Bridge." She waited for Lily to react. Lily just stared. Ashe sighed inside. "Never mind," she said. "You don't need to think about the clinic while you're here. That's the point."

She had to let Lily go to pick up both of their bags and unlock the front door. The girl all but clung to her back. The house was dark and quiet in that way that only old houses long unlived in can be. Once inside Lily seemed a bit better; she at least let go of Ashe, though she always hovered a few feet away. She seemed not to know what to make of the house's dark corners and wood paneling and soft carpets, so different from the glacial white environment she'd grown up in.

Outside, the black, curling roots and branches of the old trees and the long, winding paths looked like a dark, fairy tale forest. Ashe thought the atmosphere suited Lily. It was easy to imagine her making a home in the forest like a fairy creature or gliding, silent and ethereal, along the house's long dark hallways in the middle of the night, like a Victorian madwoman. But the imagery was not frightening; she imagined she could watch Lily here endlessly, days going by without her even noticing.

She bit her lip, admonishing herself.

Lily found her way to the library. She had a fascination with books and read much, but rarely more than a few pages of any one thing. She did not understand fiction at all, and only a few nonfiction works kept her interest. But Ashe knew she could leave her here, crouched on the floor with a thumb running back and forth over the leatherbound spines of each volume, for hours.

Then Lily stumbled on the VHS tapes. "What are these?"

"Movies," Ashe said.

"Like the ones we watched before?"

"Not quite."

Lily picked one up. It was James Whale'sFrankenstein. Boris Karloff's face glowered from the cover. Red letters under the title declared: "The Man Who Made a Monster!" Ashe flinched. She'd meant to remove that one.

"Can we watch this one?" Lily said.

"...sure. Yes. Let's go to the TV room."

They sat on a small sofa, the same one where Ashe had sat on her father's lap first time she watched this same movie. Lily leaned against Ashe a little, bare arm to bare shoulder, the smallest square inch of skin to skin contact. It was the first time they had ever been so close.

It was hard to gauge Lily's reaction to the film. As the movie neared its end Lily asked, "Will the doctor hang himself?"

"Why would he do that?"

"Because that's whatmyfather did."

Ashe groped for words. "No," was all she came up with.

***

Lily's Diary, Day 113:

I like the movie. I have watched it every day since we came here. Dr. Ashe usually watches it with me.

I asked why the movie was made. She said, to scare people. I asked, do people like to be scared? She said, sometimes. She said there are people whose entire job it is to make books and movies that will scare other people. I never thought that you could make someone happy by scaring them.

I wonder if people are happy when they are scared of me? I hope they are. I am glad for the nurse who screamed when I talked to him. He must have been very happy.

I have a surprise for Dr. Ashe. To thank her for what she taught me.

***

It was the feeling of being watched that woke Ashe. She fumbled for the lamp in the pitch-black room. It flickered on, revealing Lily at the bedside. "Hello, Dr. Ashe," she said.

Ashe sat up, hugging the covers; the room was cold, but Lily wore barely anything. "Are you having trouble sleeping?"

"I don't sleep."

Ashe had read that in the file too, but of course it couldn't be true. Some severe insomniacs claim not to have slept in days or even years but really they had sleeping spells so brief weren't aware of them. These facts tumbled through Ashe's head as she tried to dispel the late-night confusion. Then Lily climbed up onto the bed with her.

""I was watching you sleep because I was worried," she said. "I thought you might have died. Dead people and sleeping people look a lot alike to me. I can't ever tell the difference."

"I'm fine. You should go back to bed. In the morning--"

Lily took Ashe by the hand. She ran her manicured fingers over Ashe's. She'd seen a model's hand in a magazine and asked Ashe to treat and paint her nails the same way. Now they looked like tiny pools of blood on her fingertips. "Do you always sleep alone?" she asked.

"That's...a personal question. But there's no one else here but you and me."

"I know," Lily said. She placed Ashe's hand against her chest; she was wearing only a thin cotton nightgown. "Do you feel my heart beating? It's very, very slow. One of my first doctors said my heart beat so slowly it would be a medical record, if they were allowed to write about me. He would listen to my heartbeat every day. Once he did it for a whole hour."

Lily's skin was hot and flushed under Ashe's fingers. She felt the curved sides of Lily's tiny breasts and squirmed, crossing her legs under the comforter. Lily leaned in.

"Do you like being my doctor?"

"Yes." It was barely a word.

"But you don't want to be my doctor forever."

"I...want you to get better so that you won't need anymore doctors in your life. But I always want to be someone in your life even after that."

"What would you be if you weren't my doctor?"

"Your friend."

"I've never had a friend. Do friends do this?" Lily kissed Ashe on the cheek. It made Ashe think of strawberries. She let out a quavering breath.

"Sometimes," she said.

"And this?" Lily kissed the ridge of Ashe's ear. Her tongue darted out. Ashe squeezed her legs together harder.

"Sometimes."

Lily pressed Ashe's hand even harder against her chest. Her heartbeat became so slow Ashe could swear it wasn't there at all. But the promise of Lily's milky white flesh was very real, and very warm. "Kiss me here," Lily said, pointing to the place between her breasts, just above the bow on her nightgown. She clambered up onto Ashe's lap and thrust herself forward. Ashe's lips touched Lily's bare skin; a feeling like electricity tingled across her skin.

Lily hung her arms around Ashe's neck. Her legs wrapped around Ashe's body, strong and lithe. Then she pressed her mouth to the side of Ashe's neck; her kisses were awkward in their eagerness, like a teenager. She ground against Ashe through the flimsy fabric of her nightgown.

Ashe resisted the urge to put her hands on Lily. She even resisted the urge to kiss her more. But she did not push Lily away either. She let Lily clamor over her, remaining still as the girl's lips slid down her neck, over her shoulders, across her collarbone. When Lily pulled the blankets down Ashe's body, Ashe did not protest. She was naked under the sheets and Lily's mouth followed a line down the center of her body, from her throat to the space between her breasts and then across the plane of her stomach, tickling her navel for a moment and then going even lower, Lily's mouth glanced against the light thatch of pubic hair where Ashe's hips converged. Her lips were so soft they barely felt real; like a butterfly's wings.

The feel of Lily's fingers on Ashe's bare skin was barely there too. Just the tips of her fingers glided up and down the center line of Ashe's back, and then across the spread of her bare shoulders, and down the sensitive skin of her forearms, stimulating the tiny, invisible hairs there. She felt like a ghost; Ashe thought that any sudden movement would banish Lily completely, scattering her as if she's never been there in the first place, so she kept still. The bedside lamp provided just enough dim yellow light to silhouette Lily's figure. Ashe felt like she could hide in that little light and the world would never see either of them again.

The unexpected arrival of Lily's mouth on one of Ashe's nipples made her tense up. She felt like a closed fist. Then it happened again; the soft touch of Lily's bubblegum-pink lips and strawberry red tongue on the erect point of Ashe's left nipple, and then, just as unexpectedly, on the right. She clenched again and this time couldn't unwind no matter how hard she tried. She was wound almost to the breaking point. Her breasts had always been particularly sensitive. She risked opening her eyes to peak for just a moment and the sight of Lily's electric blue gaze staring up at her while her pert mouth closed over one of Ashe's full, large breasts sent a dark, hot flush down her thighs. She was aching wet in a few seconds.

Lily's fingers slid under the covers, groping up and down Ashe's legs. Ashe spread them a bit. Lily curled around Ashe's body, pulling the straps of her nightgown down so that their bare skin touched. Ashe fixated on Lily's mouth. It was like a tiny pink bud, wet with dew. She wanted to touch it but it seemed too fragile. She pictured a flower shedding all of its petals.

Lily's groping fingers went higher. She touched the wet spot and Ashe groaned and rolled her eyes. She spread her legs wider. Lily pressed her cheek to Ashe's and whispered, her tiny voice almost smothered by the dark: "Maybe you don't want me to call you just a friend?"

Ashe's mouth was too dry to speak. Lily was rubbing against her now, grinding the heel of her palm against Ashe. She whispered again:

"Maybe what you really want me to call you is...Mama?"

Ashe's eyes snapped open. Lily's breath was hot on her ear.

"Is that it? Do you want me to be Mama's bad little girl? Do you?" A

she remembered the day in the clinic, the dialogue on the movie, the one her eyes had lingered on for just a second longer than the others. Too small a thing to notice, or so she had thought (and just how would Lily know when her back was turned the whole time...), but now Lily's small, sweet voice poured the same words into her ear, each one shaped like a pearl by her utterly exquisite mouth:

"Punish me. Punish this bad little girl. Punish me Mama. Teach me a lesson."