Rebirth

"Yes." There was no hesitation in her reply. "Yes, Jack, I do."

She said it the exact same way she had said her wedding vows six years ago, with all of the same love and sincerity.

Another deep breath on my part. Because this was the one question that would decide it all.

"If I asked you to, Gwen, would you stop seeing Joe? Completely. Be willing to move out of the state with me and never see or contact him again. Would you? Do you love me enough for that?"

The tears returned to her eyes, horror filling them as she comprehended what I was asking. "Please don't ask me that, Jack," she whispered. "Please, don't me to choose between you. I swear I don't love Joe more than you. I love you both. I need you both!"

Her pale face became blotched and mottled with red as she openly cried. Her fingers clung to mine, and I was reminded again how many times we had held each other when it felt like the worst of the world was upon us.

"Shhhhh..." With my other hand, I stroked the black silk of her hair to soothe her. "It's alright, Gwen. I won't ask you to make that choice."

Hope flared in her face between the tears. That hope faded, however, as I gently pulled my hand from hers and stepped away. I would make the choice she couldn't.

"Noo," she moaned, shaking her head. "No, Jack, please don't do this. You don't have to do this, we can work something out!"

"I can't live like this, Gwen. I can't accept this. You've lied twice now to me."

"No, Jack, I... Twice? What do you mean? I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Joe, I'm sorry you found out the way you did, but please! Don't do this to me!"

"Yeah, twice, Gwen." I held up a thumb. "First, you had an affair with him behind my back. And second -" I held up my first finger - "Second you said that you didn't love him more than me."

My soon to be ex-wife sputtered between her sobs. "I don't, Jack! I don't love him more than you, I just-"

"You do, Gwen." I was destroying her, and it was killing me. She was the one in the wrong, her and Joe both, yet I felt like shit as I delivered the final blow. "I know you love Joe more than me for one simple reason.

"Your relationship with him was a secret that you kept from me. I didn't have a fucking clue, and I doubt I would have known if I hadn't come home early yesterday and spoiled your fun. If it weren't for that, you two would have kept right on going right behind my back.

"But he's known about me the whole time. Called himself my friend. And you didn't hide anything from him. You were truthful with Joe, Gwen, the whole time. But you didn't love me enough or respect me enough to give me that same honesty."

It was a fact, one she couldn't refute. Joe had known about me the whole time. He knew that Gwen had fallen in love with me, that she married me, that we had sex. He knew I was there with her at her weakest moments, and that it was me she went to bed with every night. Me? I hadn't known shit.

Joe wasn't having it. His temper was up, and he got into my face as I started to leave the kitchen. "You fucking bastard! You're going to leave her crying like that? Again? You're going to walk out on the best thing that ever fucking happened to you?" He thumped his chest with his fist. "I love her enough that I'm willing to share her! Are you so selfish that you can't do the same?!"

I was nearly spent. My reply had no heat to it, only resignation. "Do you love her enough that you would stay with her after she lied to you for the entire time you've known her, Joe? If our places were switched, would you be able to forgive her?"

"Yes!" His answer was swift and sure, and, strangely enough, it brought about a small side smile on my lips.

"Then congrats, Joe. Now you're the better man. Hope that helps with the whole humiliation thing you were talking about."

There was more screaming, more shouting, more pleading, more begging. More tears. I ignored all of it. I said nothing more. For my part, everything that needed to be said or asked had been addressed, so I said nothing. Gwen was openly wailing, and Joe was still shouting arguments at me in an attempt to see reason. As much as it pained me to hear the woman that I had loved... still loved... be consumed by such grief, I knew that I could not go on with our marriage.

I finally managed to slip past Joe and get into the living room. He attempted to follow, still shouting angrily at me about how unfairly I was treating Gwen, and if that I loved her at all, I would see that -

That was when I grabbed a table lamp and hurled it at him.

It didn't hit him, though I wish it would have. The lamp struck the doorframe behind him and shattered. Gwen appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, horrified. I didn't look at her. I glowered at Joe until he nervously put his hands up in a placating gesture and backed away.

In the bedroom, I packed everything of mine into a couple of suitcases. My birth certificate and social security card were in our shared deposit box and would have to be retrieved later. Everything else? All the bric-a-brac and souvenirs and whatnot? I didn't want it. It all would remind me of Gwen.

Duncan had urged me not to let her run me out of the house, and I had said that I was taking the guest bedroom. That wasn't going to happen. I knew that eventually she and Joe would fuck each other again, and damned if I was going to stay there for that!

When I came out of the bedroom, the two of them had gone. Her car was gone, too. I wondered where the hell Joe had been parking his piece of shit sedan whenever he came over, then realized that he had probably been parking on a nearby side street to avoid attention. Not that it mattered anymore.

Where had they gone? Who knew. Who cared. I didn't. I felt the overpowering need to be away again.

That was when I noticed that they had taken the bag of bagels with them. I felt mildly miffed about that. With all of the drama, I hadn't had a chance to eat one.

There was one thing left to be done before I left the house. Setting my bags down, I dragged my wallet out and fished for the business card. Carefully tapping out the number on my phone, I waited for someone to answer. When they did, I felt like I was standing on the edge of a great cliff, ready to fall at any moment.

"Yes," I replied to the polite greeting, "My name is Jack Brandt. I was given your number by a Ted White? He's a former client of your office? Anyway, I'd like to make an appointment with Mr. Linn."

There was another polite, profession inquiry from the receptionist, and I heaved a sigh before responding.

"Yes. I'm divorcing my wife."

***

Divorce, as it turned out, is nothing like what you see in the movies or magazines. It's prolonged, brutal, and expensive! OK, maybe it's not expensive for some successful guy with money in the bank and an understanding boss, but for the rest of us? There's court fees and legal fees and lawyer fees and counseling fees! It all piles up!

Yeah, I said counseling fees. My lawyer was good, but we ended up against a judge who believed in 'the sanctity of marriage', and Gwen and I were ordered to attend no less than ten marriage counseling sessions before the filings could go proceed any further.

We never made it past four. Between my unwillingness to forgive years of betrayal and Gwen's unwillingness to give up Joe for good, no progress was being made. The therapist gave up when Joe showed up at the last session, he and Gwen figuring that he should be a part of our counseling sessions. It was over at that point. A letter to that effect was written to the lawyers and the judge. The judge acceded the request begrudgingly but informed us that we still had to pay the therapist for all ten sessions anyway.

I was too weary to argue it. Gwen didn't even blink.

Outside of the counselings and hearings, I didn't see or communicate with her in any way. Phone calls and emails were ignored. A restraining order was put in place to keep Gwen and her lover from coming near my sister's house. Cold, I know, but I wanted to move on.

In the end, an agency was brought in to handle the estate sale of whatever it was we didn't want to split between us. The house was to be sold, the profits paying off what was still owed to the mortgage company; the rest of the money ended up taking care of the legal fees. There wasn't much left for either of us.

As far as the rest of our finances? I got lucky. The judge wanted to saddle me with alimony since I was the one initiating the divorce, but Gwen made just that much more than I did at the internet company she worked for. Because she made more, she would have ended up having to pay me alimony! Or at least, that's what I understood from my lawyer. I didn't pursue it.

The truly important bit about divorce is something they never tell you. It's not something that affects the spouses and any children. It affects a lot of people.

My mother-in-law and brother-in-law never were all that fond of me for whatever reason, so I doubt it affected them much. There were no last-minute calls from Gwen's family cursing at me for leaving her or sympathizing with my plight. God knows what she told them. Still, they probably had to put up with her.

But the rest of the people around us! Fuck! Our friends were split! Some argued with me that I should have stayed with Gwen, others that it sucked and I was better off. Some just drifted quietly away from the both of us, avoiding the drama and were never heard from again. Whole circles of friendships were dissolved. New lines were drawn. We didn't have a great many friends, online or in real life, but the effects of our divorce rippled through our small community in ways we never would have expected.

It sucked. More people who I thought were my friends left me. And all of this was before the divorce was finalized! My depression only worsened.

Thankfully, I still had my sister and her family to help me along. There were days when I was nothing more than a robot going through the motions, but they were there for me! I did my best to be there for them, too, as much as I was able to. I mostly spoiled my nieces rotten. It helped distract me, gave me something to live for, and it gave AnnaBelle and Duncan some much needed time to themselves.

You know, that's probably one of the only good things that came out of my divorce. My sister and her husband seemed closer than ever. It was as though having such a disaster happen so very close to them sort of spurred them on. Their marriage had been great before. Now? Now it looked to be nearly perfect. I wanted to envy the hell out of them, but I couldn't. So I satisfied myself by doing things like introducing their girls to ice cream and chocolate (in modest amounts, of course.)

My wife fought the divorce at first. She and her lawyer stalled where they could. Eventually, however, she gave up hope and let it proceed without contest. Finally, seven months after I had discovered the unthinkable, the papers were signed. Gwen was stone-faced and wane, saying little. Joe was there, fuck knows why, and he glared at me the whole time.

When I left the judge's office with my lawyer, I didn't look back. I marched straight out. I knew that if I looked back and saw Gwen looking at me with those eyes of hers, I would have crumbled on the spot. Who knew that you could still love someone that much who brought you so much pain?

I drove over the meet Mr. Linn at his offices again to sign off on some final paperwork with him. I thanked him for his services, he gave me a packet of resources and support groups for divorced and separated couples that he provided each of his clients, and we said our goodbyes. Like the trucker who had helped me that first day, I now carried a couple of Mr. Linn's business cards in my wallet.

And that was it. I was free. I could put my life with Gwen behind me, and move on.

So why did I drive back to the house?

It was empty. The estate agents had cleaned it all out, getting it ready for sale. No one had bought it yet, but there were still several interested parties. I hoped it would sell soon; I had bills to pay. Since I still had the keys, I went in to take one last look at the place that I had called home for over six and a half years.

It was depressingly quiet. Without the furniture and rugs, the slightest noise should have echoed throughout the house, but instead, it was like a morgue. I entered through the garage again. Slowly, I made my way into the living room. The hardwood floors had been polished to look like new, and the walls were bright white with their new coats of paint. Somehow, the place managed to look emptier than when we had first moved in. The estate agents had removed every trace that we were ever there.

"I knew you would show up here. Just one last time."

Turning, I saw Gwen standing there in the kitchen doorway. I had been so absorbed by my thoughts that I hadn't heard her car pull up or the door open again. She was dressed in the same tight black dress and high heels that she had been wearing at the courthouse. No surprise, really; I was still wearing my suit coat and tie.

"Yeah, well -" I waved at the empty space around us "- figured it couldn't hurt to have one last look. Just to make sure we didn't forget anything." I looked over her shoulder. "Joe not with you?"

My wife... my ex-wife... shook her head. "He's back at our apartment getting dinner ready. I told him I needed some alone time."

I nodded sagely, though I didn't have the slightest clue what was going on through her head. Whatever it was, she and Joe would have to work through it. It wasn't my problem anymore.

You'd think I would have felt better about that.

"I'm surprised that you're not out celebrating." Gwen walked over to the sliding glass doors that looked out onto the patio. "This is what you wanted, isn't it?"

Squaring my shoulders, I puffed out a regretful sigh. "No, Gwen. It isn't. It really isn't. It's what had to be."

Gwen looked out at the neatly mowed backyard. When we first bought the house, we had marveled at how perfect it would be for kids to play in. We'd never have those kids now.

"I'm sorry, Jack," she mourned. "This isn't what was supposed to happen."

"Sorry that I found out? Sorry that it's destroyed our marriage and whatever love or trust I had in you? That... That I believe, Gwen." I puffed a sigh out. "But nothing you've said has made me believe that you're sorry about cheating on me, or that you regret whatever you've had going with Joe all of the years."

She didn't reply. Her gaze remained focused on the lawn outside where our children would never play.

"I should get going," I told her, heading for the door. If she wanted to be alone, then I wouldn't get in her way. Time to start living again, I told myself. I wasn't sure I knew how to, but what else was I going to do?

I was nearly back in the kitchen again when she called out to me. Her light footfalls could be heard coming back toward me.

"Jack? Did it really have to end like this? Do you hate me that much now?"

The question brought me up short. I stood there in the doorway, not looking at her and trying to figure out what to say.

"Yes." My voice didn't waver. "And no."

Facing her again, I shrugged. "Yes, this is how it ends, Gwen. It's not what you wanted. It's not what I wanted. But it just isn't possible for us to both have what we want. And no. I don't hate you. I feel betrayed, Gwen, I feel like I've been stabbed in the back and the heart at the same time. It hurts to look at you and think about what we could have had, then to remember how you treated me. It hurts to look at you right now and know that I'll probably never see you again. And honestly? I have no idea how I'm going to make it through tomorrow, or what I'm going to do all the days after that. But I don't hate you."

I gave her a foolish, tired grin. "I still love you. Probably because I'm a fucking idiot." The smile faded. "But if we had stayed together Gwen, if you and Joe had convinced me to play along, then yes. I would have grown to hate you. I would have resented you and Joe both and hated myself more than I already do, and all three of us would be all the more miserable. This way? We're free. You're free. You still have Joe. You'll get by."

Gwen closed the gap between us, sorrow drawn across her brow as she laid her hands flat on my chest. I was stupid to let her get that close. Stupider still to close my eyes and relish the heat of her palms and fingers radiating through my shirt and into my skin.

"But who do you have, Jack?"

She was crying. Gwen was crying and leaning her head against my shoulder. Automatically, my arms went around her to hug her small frame to mine. It was an emotional agony for me, but it felt so good to hold her again! I hadn't touched her since that afternoon when I'd found out the worst, and it just felt so fucking good to have her in my arms.

Then I began crying, too. Because I realized that she was crying for me.

"You're going to be alone, again. Like when I found you," she sobbed, scowling. She lightly pounded a fist on my shoulder in frustration. "You hate being alone."

"Maybe I'll find someone," I lamely reasoned. "I'm thirty-two. I'm young."

In my heart of hearts, I didn't want someone else. I wanted the Gwen that I had loved and still loved. I held her and didn't want to let go. My one hand cradled the back of her head as I kissed her on the crown, the other hand supported her waist. We stood there and cried together for what we had shared and what could now never be.

Which was when I did the stupidest thing I could have done.

I went to kiss the top of her head a second time. As I did so, though, she raised her head to speak to me and our lips met.

It was the briefest if not clumsiest of contacts, but the intensity of the kiss took us by surprise. Gwen and I stared at each other in shock for several heartbeats while the familiar taste of one another lingered on our lips.

We erupted into a frenzy of passion. Our kisses were hard and bruising, and we savagely tore each other's clothes off so that we feel the heat of each other's skin one last time. There were no words spoken, only animalistic growls and whines as we took each other again and again. When I was spent, I used my fingers and tongue and lips to inflict cruel pleasure on her until my hardness returned. Gwen shifted her body as needed to physically show what she craved and how she craved it. Sucking and licking, my ex-wife gave back no less than what I gave her.

We savagely fucked each other, clawing and biting and crying on the floor of our empty house. Gwen and I clung to each other in manic desperation, alternately weeping and screaming until we were both left in such a state that we were sated and empty at the same time. It was as though all of the intimacy we would have had throughout a lifetime together was concentrated into that one too-brief afternoon.

It was not lovemaking. It wasn't even brutal sex for all that it must have looked like it. It was two people who had once loved each other very much saying goodbye one final time.

In the afterglow, we cradled one another closely. We didn't look at each other and nothing was said. It was our last moment together, and neither of us was eager to end it. For my part, the future yawned before me like a great abyss. I was scared to be without her; I still loved her that much.

But in the end, all things die. Silently, we rose together after what must have been several hours, and we began to dress in what remained of our clothes. As we parted, we shared one final hug, one final kiss, and we walked out of each other's lives.

***

So this should be where it all turns around for me, right? This is where I get my head out of my ass, go to a gym, get in shape, start my own business, make lots of money doing a job that I really love, and find a woman who appreciates what I have to offer. Maybe she's been there the whole time, or maybe I happen to run into her a few weeks later. The rest of my life is made!