Redd River 02

Redd River 02

"OMG, Uncle Tipper, you can look at me when we talk! I promise you that blue fire will not strike you dead from skies above!"

[Um, Uncle Tipper is definitely not looking, but he is looking like he might pass out]

"Ah-hah! My new partner said that's how you make (guys) pass out! From fear of blue fire! And your Auntie said something about how smooth you've become, so, so, so, stop talking to your auntie over tea and, and, and, and state your business and, and, and, put some long leg pants on, River and, and, and, I'm never calling you Redd River, um, well, except for that time just now, but after that, I'm never referring to as Redd River and OMFG, my head is about to explode!"

[Hmm, Uncle Tipper said "put on some long leg pants", so Uncle Tipper peeked a little]

Oh, um, yeah, my real first name is River, but that freaky story involves my parents, conception on the Middleton River and an almost delivery while on the Middleton River and I just cannot go there with that story, never to be spoken of again, the end.

"Fine, I just stopped by for two reasons anyways, Uncle Tipper. Well, three reasons since Auntie Emma gave my neck a good once over, tee he, over tea, but listen, I just wanted to make sure that Duke was working out for you and it sounds like he is and then I just wanted to mention that he might extend a road trip from time to time, but for a good reason. Um, and not to take any detours to side hunt for any vampires between here and Florida. Anyways, I'll leave you to chew on a customized upper control arm like it was a chicken wishbone and get your "argh, argh, argh" solid macho man on! Tootles!"

[LOL, Uncle Tipper, still covering his eyes, spins around like a Coocoo bird clock chimed on literally any shop on the Strip! And he was peeking]

"Wait, you remember that some customized upper control arms somewhat resemble a wishbone then, um, RR?"

Well, you pick up a couple of things when you hang out with a beer and gear head family member for many years.

"Oh, and before I forget, Uncle Tipper, I'm 60% decided on..."

[Excuse us, that's just a rumor and this story has no place for rumors]

"(Beep, beep) where's Tipper? I need a whip ass, bomb ass, customized gear shift handle and, oh, oh, I mean, it's River, right?"

"Oh, hi, Moe Mo and it's Redd River, alright? Anyways, my Uncle Tipper briefly passed out when I just told him that I'm 60% decided on breast implants, but smaller, like a 32B or something, um, you know, just enough to bump out a t-shirt, so?"

[Hmm, sometimes guys pass out from hearing rumors then, huh? Interesting]

"[Slap, slap] Moe Mo, wake up and say something nice about my, ahem!"

[Flashing a new and improved smooth neck around is exactly the same as when a girl flashes around her new decorated ring finger, but more awkward]

"Oh, sup, Redd River!"

[Hmm, almost exactly the same as hey there, hey, we think]

"I mean, I mean, I mean, once I find the perfect gear shift knob in your uncle's shop, I mean, you're going side seat cruising with me on the Strip tonight, right? You can work and twerk my knob!"

[Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling through the e-book, yep, page 3, trick 17, it's right there, "you can work and twerk my knob", ah-hah!]

"Bye, Moe Mo, I need to split before my Uncle Tipper comes back around, but good luck twisting and twerking your new bad ass gear shift knob solo, bye!"

But I think something like that has a place, another time.

[The Lava Java Coffee Shop front door chime jingle, jangle]

"Be right with you, Cry Me a River."

Well, sometimes even a nickname can have a nickname, so, what?

"(Coocoo, Coocoo, Coocoo)"

[No, no, a customer still waiting in line for the initial service does not have to spin around in place and face the other way, check the Strip's rule book. But everyone else in the Lava Java Coffee Shop spun around]

"Oh, oh, this is going to be good, Redd River!"

"Ariana, what are you talking about? And is that a common shop greeting for every shop on the Strip because I've heard that like..."

"Hi." "Hey." "Hey there."

[Oh, sometimes a customer still waiting to order does spin around. For three pretty voices, anyways]

"We're entrenched with..." "Our initiation into the..." "The Mixed Coven and we..."

"Need a ride to the..." "Spot just beyond the Sands..." "And we have chosen you..."

"To ride us there and..." "Wait for us to cry or giggle..." "And then bring us back..."

"Do you accept this for..." "Our quest to join and belong..." "To the Mixed Coven, hmm..."

"What say you, red cheeks..." "Which extends across your nose..." "And ends at your lips..."

"Hmm, bright red cheeks..." "Hmm, red nose bridge..." "Hmm, Redd River Red..."

"And we're 6 months past..." "Lolli Pop status and age......" "And you can check the calendar..."

"And props for no scar line..." "On your smooth and very..." "Sexy, sexy neck, Cry Me A River..."

"We'll be changed in just a..." "Quick jiff, so don't make a riff..." "While we slip into our little..."

"Black witches minis and..." "Our matching witches protégé..." "Undies and heeled boots..."

"So, sip your Lava Java..." "Redd River Red and we'll be..." "Right out and ready to go..."

Um, I was spelled, so, what?

"[Slams down a double-double bold coffee!] Hah, I called it, this going to get good! Hey, Redd River, do you need me or want me to show where a woman's p..."

"OMFG, Arianna! I know where a woman's piercing is! Um, it's in the belly button, right, Arianna?"

"(What a waste of four!) Yeah, Redd River, check the belly buttons, NEXT! And I mean a man, literally man who knows where a woman's p...."

[Well, that was rude of Arianna! I mean, Redd River was right, right?]

"So, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean because, I mean because, I mean because, I mean, Redd River, are you really going to try and drive around the Sands, huh?"

[Another non Coocoo clock authorized spin around! This madness has to stop!]

"Oh, OMFG, it's you, Honest Ernest! How are you, my sweets, hmm?"

"Oh, I mean, I mean, I mean, I confess! I've had an eye ball on you more than once, Redd River!"

[Duh. But Honest Ernest has always been quite trustworthy, to a fault actually]

"And I mean because, I mean because, I mean because, I mean, I mean, I mean, quite honestly, I mean, you need me right now because if your hand slips off of the gear shift knob, I mean, I mean, I mean, if you slip your tires off into the Sands, I mean, I mean, I mean, you'll likely get stuck in the sand and I mean, I mean, I mean..."

"Honest Ernest, are you honestly stepping up and offering to be my safe driving around the Sands savior, hmm?"

"Redd River, I mean, I mean, I mean..."

"[A hushing finger] quite honestly, Honest Ernest, maybe I had an eye on you before. Or I had twitch. Either way, you win tonight!"

"(Coocoo, Coocoo, Coocoo)"

"Fuck! Can some of you guys help me spin Honest Ernest around on the floor? I'm not comfortable with getting down on my hands and knees in front of all you..."

[Swoosh, help arrived, swish, elbows way in for future credit, hip bump, hey there, hey, I'm Butch]

"Ahem, I know who you are, Butch! E Poo! But that's my waist that you gripping!"

[Arianna receives an incoming text]

"Finally, it might get good! Attention customers, but I've asked to pull the chain of the Coocoo clock out of sequence, so, hold onto something and ready for yourselves!"

[Grip, grab, grabbed a hold for sure!]

"(Butch! That's not what Arianna meant when she said to hold onto something! But text me next week.)"

"(Coocoo, Coocoo, Coocoo)"

[This madness must end! Each Coocoo clock on the Strip is nuclear clock synchronized!]

[But let's see what happens since it already went off and the Ladies room door flung open]

"(A witch Lilly ballerina spin.)" "(A witch Lori ballerina spin.)" "(A witch Linny ballerina spin.)"

"Everyone passed out from..." "Our spinning witches minis..." "Because we have arrived..."

Well, that part was true, but I think they were supposed to add protégé in there somewhere.

"[Slap, slap, slap] Honest Ernest, wake up and go into the Ladies room and gather the girl's other clothes! And don't worry about seeing any Lady's p..."

"OMFG, Redd River! I know where a woman's piercing is! Um, it's in the tongue, right?"

"OMG, that nerd is going..." "To lift his head and kiss Red River..." "Square on the mouth..."

"Arianna, pull that Coocoo..." "Clock chain for the save..." "Or close your eyes..."

[The world of Coocoo clocks has gone completely mad]

"(Coocoo, Coocoo, Coocoo)"

"(Protégé witch Lilly spins.)" "(Protégé witch Lori spins.)" "(Protégé witch Linny spins.)"

Well, SOB! Everybody passed out again. And I met Honest Ernest half way anyways [Smooch, smack].

"Everyone passed out again from..." "Our spinning protégé witches..." "Minis because we rule..."

Well, sometimes a witches heads swell up and sometimes protégé witches spinning in minis makes other things swell up, just check the floor full faked passed out guys.

[Vroom, carefully vrooming around the edge of the Sands, vroom, vroom]

"(Giggles) safety drivers probably..." "(Giggles) like cheek kisses..." "(Giggles) sometimes..."

"Hush in the back seat! Anyways [a really fast lean across the front seat of the SUV and a cheek plant] who is in this Mixed Coven anyways, hmm, ladies? And steady as she goes, Honest Ernest."

"It's mixed with the Preppies..." "And with the two Purples..." "With a side of the Pouty Lips..."

"What? That's sex! I mean, that's sex! Ugh, I mean, that's sexy. Damn it, I mean, that's hot, hot & sexy!"

[Oh, a shaky stop since that's happens at the Sands]

"(Giggles) here's hoping that..." "(Giggles) we return with..." "(Giggles) black satin robes..."

"(Giggles) and we will make..." "(Giggles) some noise when..." "(Giggles) we come back..."

Well, that's just the polite protocol. And by the way, since we had a visual from where we parked, I mean, I would say about their campfire, but it was a perfect size and just in the sand of the Sands, so, that was cool. I mean, it wasn't blue fire or anything like that, but it was cool. Or, or, or, whatever word or phrase a witch would use.

"Well, Honest Ernest, I think we have a little alone time, so, now what, hmm, honest, Honest Ernest?"

"Redd River, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, normally, this is about the time of night where I would set your selfies to slideshow and I mean, I mean, I mean, um, jack off over your body, so, I mean..."

[Note, note, note! There are no nudie selfies of Red River! Posted, that is]

[And sometimes all that honesty stuff is overrated]

"But I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, tonight I get to go all "argh, ugh, argh, ugh, argh" over a live show, right Redd River (please!)?"

Hah! Not in my SUV! Or, OMG, not outside of it either since I just said there was a line of sight.

So, I kissed his dick a couple of times in the front seat, so, what?

End Redd River 02