Reflections

When I awoke the next morning she was already up and making coffee. I could see she had already taken a shower. I grabbed some clean clothes and took a shower also.

After the shower, I talked to her to tell her how wonderful it was. She smiled and said she loved it too but she went further than she meant to. I tried to explain to her that I loved her and being with her but I could feel something wasn't quite right. I now feel it was the start of her medical downfall. Somewhere somehow she knew something was happening to her. I believe that's why she gave herself so completely that night. I really do believe that.

Chapter 2: Mary's sickness and starting over.

Life after that night brought us closer. Not sexually but caring and sharing. She wanted to travel a number of places and we usually took the grandchildren with us. When our kids went on vacation we went along in our own car to where the kids were going. Mary wanted to be around family. We all spent our vacations together the last few years. That's when Mary told me she wasn't feeling very well. When we got back home from one of our trips I took her to the doctor and he discovered tumors. I think she knew. In fact I think she knew for awhile.

They took a biopsy and found it to be malignant. They started chemotherapy immediately. I asked if an operation would help and the doctor said they could give it a try but he wasn't very optimistic. I asked Mary what she thought, since it was her that was going through all the pain and getting nauseated from the chemo. She said she didn't want to be cut open unless the doctors could give her enough hope to make it worth all the pain and suffering she would have to endure.

The doctor took the two of us in his office and explained the problem to us. The cancer had spread throughout Mary's system. If they did surgery on her it would probably spread even faster. There really wasn't much hope other than the tumors shrinking from the chemo. Mary chose to go out peacefully. She did the chemo to help with some of the pain and the doctor gave her morphine for the numbing of the pain. I cried over and over again. Mary was the strong one. She kept telling me she was going to a better place where there would be no pain, no hurting and no suffering. She died at home in her bed with me at her side holding her hand.

After the funeral I went into the church and screamed at God. "Why, God? Why Mary? She loved you and now she's dead. You were suppose to take me, not Mary," as I knelt on my knees and cried.

Then I heard an inner voice speaking to me. I jumped up and turned around but I was all alone. Then I knelt down again and heard the voice again.

"Ed, Mary is now in a much better place. She will never suffer again, no more pain. She has total peace. I didn't honor your request because it wasn't for Mary's sake. It was for your own selfishness. You didn't want to go through the pain and suffering of losing a loved one like Mary. You were willing to put Mary though it. If I would have taken you first then Mary would have suffered even more by being alone. She's happy and in total peace now, Ed. Mary is home."

What the hell was that? Did I hear it, think it or dream it? All I know is a calm came over me knowing that Mary was now free from pain. The voice was right. My decision to want to die first was my own selfishness. I got up and walked out of the church.

Life from that day forward was very lonely for me. My kids, God bless them, were there for me. They visited as often as they could. Mary and I raised some great kids. They all married decent caring people. I know they felt the loss of Mary as much as I did. She was their mother and mother-in-law. Mary never complained about the kids' spouses. She always said, "They picked them and they have to live with them.

The women in the family came over and sorted all of Mary's personal things. I told them to take anything they wanted. Mary had made a list of any special items she wanted to give everyone. They took whatever clothes fit them and gave the rest to the Salvation Army. That left me with a house without the feminine items you see in most houses.

After about six months and getting all Mary's affairs in order and the joint stuff like the cars, house and all personal items in my name, I had decided to sell the house. The loneliness of coming home to an empty house each night that we shared was painful to me. I called a realtor in the neighborhood and asked her about pricing and the legal aspects of selling the house. She told me that she could make an appointment to come over and appraise the property and answer any of my questions. I agreed and we made an appointment for the following Wednesday.

I talked to my kids - I call them kids even though they are all grown men and women because I think of them as my kids. Anyway I talked to them about selling the house. It held too many memories and I was always coming home to it and it always saddened me. They all agreed with me and thought I needed a change. They even thought I should date. According to them I was young enough to still enjoy life. I asked them about the time constraints you hear about after a death?

My oldest son said, "Dad, we all know you loved mom. We also know that you are lonely and it hurts all of us to see you this way. You're sixty-one years old. Why would you want to wait to enjoy life. You might not have that many years left yourself." He smiled knowing I would take his last remark with a grain of salt, but there was some truth to it.

I told all my family that I would take the dating under advisement. I also mentioned that someone was coming over to appraise the property. I would have to think exactly where I would want to move to. I would want to stay in the near area to see the kids and grandkids.

On Wednesday a young lady knocked on the door. She said she was from Allen Realtors Inc. She said her name was Betty Huff. I introduced myself as Ed Alford and told her that my wife had passed away almost a year ago and I thought it was time to move on. There were too many memories here. I know I had a tear in my eye while talking to this young lady. She touched my hand and said she was sorry. She had lost her dad going on two years.

Betty looked so familiar. She told me she was thirty-two years old, married - very happily, she added - and that she had two wonderful kids. Her husband was the manager of the local grocery store. I couldn't get over how familiar she looked.

She went ahead and did her job very professionally but yet was very personable. She was really nice to talk to. She answered a lot of my questions and said she needed to get back to the office and figure out the best plan for selling the house. She complemented me on how beautifully it was decorated and kept up. I told her that was all Mary's doing. Now I just tried to maintain it till I could get it sold. She told me a good real estate selling tip was to not change the decorating or give any of the furniture away till the house was sold. Right then it was a home with all the things that people think about when wanting to buy a house. If I were to remove the furniture then it would look like a house and I probably wouldn't get as much out of it.

I thanked her for the tip and told her I wouldn't touch a thing. She said she would get in touch with me in a couple of days and we could go over the figures. I told her that would be fine and she left.

I received a call from her on Friday. She asked me if it would be possible for me to come to the office. They had the figures ready for me and I would have to sign a few consent forms before they could go further. I told her I would be there in a couple of hours. After hanging up I decided to go get a shower and cleaned up a little, put on some cologne and dressed a little better. My kids always said I dressed like an old man. Mary had bought me some new Dockers and shirts but I hardly ever wore them. I always liked to dress in clothes that I was familiar with. I put on the Dockers and a pull-over type shirt. I looked in the mirror and thought I looked pretty nifty.

I headed to the realtor's office. I spotted an Allen Realtors sign and parked in their side drive. I walked in and was greeted by Betty.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Alford, glad you could make it," she said as she gave me a real smile, not one of those phony ones.

"Just call me Ed. I know I'm an old man to you but it at least would make me feel a bit younger."

"Then Ed it is. Please sit down. Would you like a cup of coffee."

"Please, and thank you. Black if you don't mind."

I was sipping my coffee when I heard a voice. "Eddie? Eddie Alford, is it really you?"

I turned and there stood Paula. Forty one years later and to me she hadn't changed a bit. Of course she had changed but in my heart where I put that memory of her, it came to life. I could have spotted her anywhere. I jumped up and almost spilled my coffee. I reached for her and with tears in my eyes I hugged her, I really hugged her. I must have held her for what seemed like a minute when I heard Betty say, "Mom, is this the Eddie you told me about?"

"Yes, honey, it is. I haven't seen him in over forty-two years and here he shows up in our office." She was teary eyed also.

I was semi-speechless, it was such a surprise to see her after all these years. "Is this your business, Paula?" I asked.

"Yes, it is, Eddie. My husband and I started it about thirty years ago. I don't know what Betty told you about the business. My husband - Betty's father - passed away two years ago. If it wasn't for Betty, there wouldn't be a business. She's been my rock and has held everything together for the past two years," as she hugged her daughter.

"Eddie, I had no idea when she mentioned a client was coming in this morning that it was you. I was taken aback so much when I saw you. Well, Eddie, do we talk old times or business first?"

"Paula, I want to sell my house. My wife passed away last year and I'm trying to move on. There is no doubt that it will be your firm to handle the sale. Tell me what we need to do. I'll sign the papers and then, if Betty doesn't mind, I would like to take her mother out to lunch for a few hours."

Betty handed me some papers to sign and told me that we would be asking for approximately two hundred fifty thousand dollars and had a few people lined up to see the place. I handed her an extra set of keys and asked her permission to take her mother to lunch.

"Permission granted, Ed, take care of mom. She needs a little fun in her life. I'll talk to you two when you get back , if you make it back today," she laughed.

Paula smiled and hugged her daughter. "Are you sure, honey?" she asked.

"Go, mom, enjoy your lunch. Don't hurry back." She was smiling.

We headed for a nice restaurant and asked for a booth near the back of the restaurant. We wanted to be away from everyone as we discussed old times. I asked if she wanted anything to drink and she asked for white wine, so when the waiter came I ordered a bottle. Paula smiled and asked if I was going to try and get her drunk. I smiled back and told her if I have to.

Paula said, "After that date we had together I knew I loved you for sure. I felt it and was hoping you would call me, but you never did."

I interrupted her and said, "Paula, I tried to call a number of times. Every time I called your parents kept telling me you weren't allowed to see me. In fact the last time your dad said if I didn't stop calling he would call the phone company and tell them I was harassing them."

"I didn't know, Eddie. I just felt hurt and then we moved away. Mom and dad rented the house we were living in and they found a bigger house, so we moved. You went off to school and that was pretty much the end of it. I went to the local community college and that's when I started to learn about real estate. I received a degree and started working for one of the local agencies.

I found out from your cousin about a year later that you had gotten married. He mentioned that you had moved to another city. I felt hurt even though it had been about two years then. I wanted to throw a little jab at you so I sent you an anniversary card and signed it ygmf - You got Married First."

"So it was you who sent those cards. We received them for six years. I always thought Mary sent them and she thought I did. The other ones were signed different," I replied.

"The second through the sixth year of your anniversary I signed it MFL, for My first love. It wasn't to cause trouble but my little way of dealing with my loss of you.

After that I had met my husband Ray. He was a realtor also, so eventually we got married and had a wonderful daughter and we started our own agency. We do a really good business. We have six other agents beside Betty. Eventually we had hoped to give the business to Betty and maybe do a little traveling. Ray had a stroke and died in his sleep. I woke up one morning and he wasn't breathing. It turned my world upside down.

I loved Ray. He was a really good man and father. We had a lot in common and also worked well together. We were married thirty-three years before he passed away. The last two years have been rather hard and lonely for me." cried Paula.

Paula continued, "Betty has been the backbone of the business since then. She's the one that has been taking care of most everything. I sign a few papers being the president but my heart hasn't been in it.

I have always had a spot for you in my heart Eddie. When we made love that one time I meant it that I really wanted you to be the first one. I don't know how many times in my life I thought about that night and I know if I had to do it all over again I would still want it to be you."

"Eddie, do you think we can be friends? I'm in dire need of a good friend. I know it may seem silly to you that after forty plus years I still have a crush on you, but I do. I knew it the minute I saw you in the office. I loved Ray. He was a wonderful husband and I would have never done anything to jeopardize my relationship with him. I gave my all to my marriage and I will always love him but I also have had this spot in my heart for you too. I don't know how to explain it but it is there."

Wow, there it was. Paula told me all about her past and I know she is waiting for a response from me. I have to tell her the truth. Let the cards fall where they may.

"Paula, I really did try to call you but your parents wouldn't let me talk to you. When I came back home from college you had moved and no one knew where to. There is something about the heart. When you have a memory of someone you have loved it is stored in it's own compartment forever. Life goes on and we love others as well and they also have their compartments in the heart. I loved my wife Mary very much just as you loved your husband Ray. They both have compartments in our hearts and will be there forever. Forty plus years ago you filled a compartment in my heart also. When I saw you today the door to that compartment opened up and my feelings are coming out. That is about the best I can explain it. Yes, I want us to be friends and maybe even more. Let's see how it goes and then we can go on from there." I leaned across the table and gave Paula a kiss.

"Paula, what does Betty know about me? I heard her say, 'Is that the Eddie you talked about?'"

"I was always honest with Betty. She asked me about having sexual relations with Ryan and I told her that it wasn't up to the body to make that decision but the heart. If in your heart you truly love him then follow your heart. If it's hormones talking then wait for the heart. She asked me about my first time and I told her it was with my first love. I didn't tell her it was on the back seat of your car. She asked me who it was and I told her it was you, Eddie. We've talked about it a couple of other times. That's how she knew you."

We finished our lunch and went back to her office. Betty was there and asked how it went. I told her that her mom and I wanted to remain close friends. Betty said in that case I was invited to her house on Sunday for a barbecue. I would get a chance to meet her husband Ryan and her kids. I told her it would be an honor to be there and asked if she wanted me to bring anything. She told me to just show up around noon.

I went home a lot happier than I had been in a long time. It was like a second chance at love. Yes, I loved Mary but she was gone now and to see Paula again made me feel good. I showed up Sunday but not empty handed. I brought two bouquets of flowers. One for Betty and one for Paula. I brought Ryan a fifth of Jack Daniels. I entered and Betty greeted me and I handed her one of the bouquet of flowers. She smiled and even gave me a peck on the cheek as a thank you. Then Paula came up and I handed her the other bouquet of flowers. She thanked me but her peck was on my lips and it wasn't a peck but a nice soft kiss.

I walked in and Paula introduced me to Ryan who was at the grill. I showed him the fifth of JD and set it on the table. I was then introduced to two kids who were probably pre-teen. They said hi respectfully and then went back about their business.

I decided to talk to Ryan while the girls got the food, other than the grill meat, set on the patio table. Ryan said he hadn't seen Paula this happy in a few years. He did say to me that he hoped I wasn't out to play Paula. She was a great mother-in-law and he would hate to see her hurt. I let him know that my feelings for her were real but we had to see where they would lead.

Paula came over to me and asked me to come meet someone. There was an elderly lady sitting by the table. She introduced her as her mother. "Mom, do you remember Eddie from our old neighborhood a long time ago."

I said, "Hello, Mrs. Osborn. I don't know if you remember me but..."

She interrupted me, "I remember you. You were that young man that was always chasing after Paula. I owe you an apology son. Paula's dad didn't like boys coming around or calling the girls and I remember you kept calling to talk to Paula and her dad said he was going to call the police on you. I was embarrassed and was afraid to say anything. We never told Paula you called."

My God, what a memory for an older lady. She must be at least eighty-seven. Paula looked at me and at her mom and exclaimed, "My God, Eddie! You really did call. Mom's memory isn't very good. She can tell you what happened fifty years ago but doesn't know what she had for breakfast this morning. I should be mad at her for not telling me but that was a long, long time ago and she is my mother. She stays in the local nursing home but whenever we have a family doing we always pick her up."

"Young man? Eddie," I turned to Mrs. Osborn and she said, "You can date Paula now. Her father passed away and I don't mind if you take her out."

I thanked her and said I was glad because I did want to date her daughter. Paula and I both smiled, and wondered how different life would have been if they would have let us date over forty years ago.

I'm rambling again, sorry for that. Paula and I started dating and my house was up for sale. Betty asked me about the home furnishings. Did I want to keep them or sell them. I told her I never thought much about it but I was trying to change my life and thought about selling everything. Betty suggested an auction and I could put the house up for sale in it also with a minium bid. That's what we decided to do. We set the auction up for a month later. Betty said she had a crew that would come in and do all the packing for me. I should be there to pull out anything I didn't want sold.

I talked to my kids about things they might want. At first I told them I would give it to them but then decided to do it differently so there wouldn't be any arguments among the families. I explained to them that everything I owned was half mine and half their mothers, even though it was mine now. I was going to take half the money I made in the auction and divide it three ways between my three children. Anything they bought during the auction would be deducted from their share, but they were getting it for half price.