Room with a View

"Steve, I wasn't looking to replace you, that was the furthest thing from my mind. But here was this good-looking guy telling me that he was falling in love with me—me a woman with declining self-esteem—a woman whose hormones had taken over her body, and not for the better. I was someone who no longer felt attractive, needed, or sexual." She held up her hand. "I know what you're going to say, but let me remind you again, this was what was going through my mind. I was flattered to say the least, but as God is my witness, what I just told you was as far as it ever went."

"I told him that I was a married woman, and there was no way in hell I was going to leave you, but he didn't care. He wasn't going to leave his wife either, he just wanted a little loving on the side." My anger started to grow.

"I should have kicked the shit out of that son of a bitch the first night," I said with all the hate I could muster.

"And what would that have done? You could have been thrown in jail, and it wouldn't have solved a damn thing, probably made it worse. I wasn't going to leave you for him! Hell, what kind of woman do you think I am? But don't get me wrong, I did fantasize about what it would be like to be with another man after all these years, but that's all it was, a stupid fantasy in my hormone-ravaged mind."

"It was that night I realized I—no we—had a problem. If I was even considering his proposition then we had a problem within our marriage. It's true I had some kind of warped feeling for him. What? Even I wasn't completely sure. All I knew was I needed to talk to you, to solve a problem you didn't realize we had."

She stopped, finished her glass of wine and started on the bottle of water. I think she was parched from all the talking she had been doing. "I somehow thought you'd come to my rescue, make it all right, and we could go back to where we were before this all happened. I realize now that wasn't going to happen. Looking back, I probably could have done a better job of it that night, but I'm still not sure how. I made a mess of it and everything ballooned out of control. Steve, I'm so sorry. I was looking for a lifeline to save our marriage, and all I did was to drive in a wedge that split us completely apart." There were tears in her eyes. I reached for her and brought her in tight as the floodgates opened.

I held her close kissing the side of her head while she let everything out. The cracks in our marriage had gotten so large we'd both fallen in and gotten lost in a maze of emotions. That night and the months that followed, I had become my dad again, not the man I was supposed to be.

Every once in a while she'd stop for a second or two, but that was just a break in the action. Our eyes would meet, and it would start all over again. Her tears had soaked my left shoulder and they were dripping down my chest.

"Hon, let's take a break for a minute. I need to put on a shirt and make a pit stop. Do you need anything?"

"Just you." I smiled at that statement and headed for the bathroom.

I couldn't think. My emotions were moving at warp speed through my brain, but my kidneys needed emptying. The floor was cold and without a stitch of clothing on the cold air made me have to pee even more. A quick flush, a little mouthwash, and I was back in bed. I kissed her deeply trying to show her what she still meant to me. Mandy smiled.

"I'll be right back," she said. running towards the bathroom. I went over to the space heater and turned it up a notch. No sense being cold.

Mandy dove under the covers, grabbing for me trying to drain me of what little body heat I had left. She looked towards the heater.

"It's turned up all the way." She smiled, knowing I had read her mind.

I'd had something banging around in my brain since that first night, and even though I might not like the answer, I needed to know.

"Did you ever sleep with Rick?" I didn't shout it out or demand an immediate answer. It wasn't said in a way that was at all confrontational. Rather, I turned her body around to face me, looked her right in the eyes, and asked my question.

"No. It is like I told you before, but I will say it again, as God is my witness, I never slept with Rick. I never saw Rick outside of class after that night ever again. I was not going to allow him to break up our marriage, and I was not going to be the 'other' woman who breaks up anyone else's marriage, no matter how bad. I can't say I didn't think about it, but it never happened." And for some reason, this time, I really did believe her. Finally allowing myself to believe her, the hundred pound weight that had been sitting on my chest all these months kind of rolled off and crashed to the floor.

My brain was screaming, 'YES, YES, there is a God', but outwardly looking at her I just gave her a little smile and a peck on the lips. I wanted her more at that moment than I'd wanted her at any other time in my life. In my mind, we'd won. Even with tee shirts still on, I made love to my wife and it was wonderful. Hell, mere words can even begin to express my emotions at that moment. I had her back where she belonged, with me.

Even though she said the same thing time and time again months ago, I was so stuck in my emotions I couldn't see my way out. With Dr. Cohen's help I knew our marriage was in trouble, but could not get past my own issues. I chose to do everything wrong for what I thought were all the right reasons.

I turned to Mandy, looked straight at her and confessed my inadequacies and sorry ass behavior. "Mandy, I am here beside you, swallowing my pride, telling you how sorry I am for the way I behaved that night, and for continuing to be so stubborn and wrong all these months. You needed me and I let you down. I promise—I swear on all that is holy—I will never again be such an asshole again. I blamed you solely for all that was wrong with our marriage. I forgot there were two of us in this marriage. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I know we can recapture what we once had and make it even better as we go forward with our lives." Tears were flowing down my cheeks by the time I finished what I had to say.

She did not answer, just looked at me, smiled, and wrapped her arms tighter around me, kissing away the tears.

There were tears shed by us both as we renewed our vows on that king-size bed. I kissed every square inch of her body claiming it as mine again before we finally had to stop. My forty-eight year old body could only go on for just for so long, and I had exceeded that limit twice.

"We need a shower, and if we're going to make the wedding on time we better get our butts in gear," she informed me. I kind of had forgotten about the wedding while we worked to take care of other matters.

"I don't want to leave this bed."

"Don't worry, there are other beds in other bedrooms, and I hope to God we rechristen each and every one of them. But right now we need to get a move on." She was right.

Art waved at us on our way out, yelling for us to come back again when we could stay longer. I, for one, hoped to not be back here alone, ever again. My next time up here will once again be with my family.

I followed Mandy all the way back to Minneapolis, right up onto my driveway, talking on our cell phones most of the way.

"I've got your tux laid out on the bed."

"Pretty sure of yourself, weren't you?" I said tentatively, not sure how she was going to take it.

"Not sure, but hopeful. We can discuss this and everything else later. I need a shower and have to get ready. We're due at the church in two hours and it's going to take me every minute of that time. So, if you don't want to be late, let's get a move on." I showered downstairs and gave Mandy the upstairs to get herself ready.

I don't understand why it takes a woman so long to dress. I had showered, shaved, flossed, brushed, and gotten dressed in less than forty-five minutes. Mandy was still fussing with her hair and makeup. When I reached for an available breast I was banished from the bedroom. I went downstairs, grabbed a beer, and turned on the television.

"Well?" Mandy asked as she posed in her mother-of-the-groom dress.

My breath stuck in my chest just looking at her. "Don't fuck this up or you'll live to regret it," the little voice in the back of my head told me. "You look beautiful, you leave me breathless. The bride is going to be green with envy at how good you look."

"Smart man. You're finally learning," is all she said, grabbing her purse. "We've got just enough time to get there and make an entrance." She was smiling ear to ear.

We held hands all the way to the church. "I love you," she said kissing my hand—I smiled, taking my eyes off the road.

"Steve," she screamed at me, as my head snapped around. I'd crossed the centerline and was moving to where I shouldn't be. "No more hand holding, and keep your eyes on the road," she said, fanning her. "Damn, excitement like that I don't need." We made it to the church in one piece.

I opened her car door, took her hand, and helped her out. After that her hand never left mine all night.

Ronnie was thrilled and surprised, and Dawn? Well, let's just say Mandy and she seemed to have this private thing going on. The wedding went off without a hitch, and the reception line saw more than a few surprised faces.

The food was good, the band a little too loud, but after I slipped them a fifty, they played a slow song whenever my wife and I walked onto the dance floor.

I toasted my son and his new bride. "I hope you are as happy as you are tonight fifty years from now." Everyone joined in the toast and downed their glasses of champagne. At about eleven o'clock my son worked his way over to me.

"Dad, I've got a million questions, but I'm going to save them all for when we get back from our honeymoon." Carrie was all smiles and swaying side to side. She'd had more than one too many drinks. "Don't worry, Dad. We're not driving. See you in a week." With that they were gone.

After their departure the party started to wind down. An hour later Dawn and a few of her friends were loading up a truck with all the gifts. The caterer was packing up everything else.

"Nice wedding," I said sipping on a glass of soda, still holding my wife's hand. I spun her around, put my arm around her and started dancing with her.

"Steve, the band has left!"

"We can make our own music," I said pulling her in tight and moved like we had a hundred times before.

"Mom, Dad, I'm heading out," Dawn said, with three other people in tow. After we drop the gifts off at their apartment we're going out for drinks, you two want to join us?"

"Not tonight, sweetheart," I told her. "I'm not as young as I used to be and it's been a long day. Have fun with your friends, but not too much fun, okay?"

"Don't worry Dad, no drinking and driving for me."

"Good girl. Now if you don't mind, I think we'll be leaving."

Dawn and Mandy exchanged one last, all knowing glance, before we walked out of the hall to the car.

"You okay to drive?" Mandy asked. "We can get a room here if you're not."

"I've been sipping on ginger ale for the last two hours. I am as sober as a judge." The ride was quiet each of us lost in our thoughts

She didn't ask, nor did I say where I was taking her. I think at this point we both kind of knew.

I pulled her car into the garage next to my truck. She took a small overnight bag out of the car and we headed in.

"Do you want to talk tonight or wait until tomorrow?" I asked Mandy as we stood in our kitchen, neither one of us sure of our next move.

"Tomorrow. I'm dead on my feet right now. I think we both can use the sleep. That is, unless you want to pull an all nighter."

"As much as I'd like it, I vote for sleep."

"What, are you getting old on me?" She laughed.

"Not old, but a lot has happened over the last forty-eight hours, and I think we'll both need clear heads tomorrow." She agreed, and we dragged our asses up the stairs.

When we passed the spare room and looked at one another. When she kept walking, I had my answer.

Mandy had brought all the essentials with her in that little bag. She used the bathroom, put on a tee shirt then she climbed into bed with me. There was a little kissing, and my hands roamed her body a bit before we nestled in for the night. My brain didn't have a chance to start thinking about the woman in my arms because my body took over and put me to sleep.

A thousand pins were sticking my arm as I tried to pull it out from under Mandy, without waking her up. I did it so carefully all she did was roll over on her side and continue sleeping. I rubbed my arm hoping the blood would start flowing quickly. I slipped on a pair of jeans, a sweatshirt, and my slippers, before heading downstairs to the kitchen. I needed coffee.

I made my usual three cups and filled up the teapot with water for when Mandy got up. A little hazelnut creamer, an ice cube, and I was enjoying my first cup of the morning.

I was happy she was here with me, but also scared about this morning. The sex the previous night was a hell of a lot better than it had been in years, and the wedding was fun, but today was reality Sunday. Was this just a fun stop over? A night of passion that was nothing more than a brief glimpse of what we'd had and lost? Those, and a million other questions, were going through my brain all the while asking myself what I really wanted.

I was just finishing up my second cup when I heard her on the stairs. A pair of sweats hid her body from me, just as well.

"You heat me up any water?"

"On the stove now," I replied, turning on the burner under the teapot. "Do you want something to eat?"

"Not now, maybe later. I'm still a little stuffed from last night's meal," she said, pulling out the chair next to mine from the table. "It was a beautiful wedding. Carrie is such a nice girl. She'll make Ronnie happy." I smiled, knowing she was right.

The whistling from the teapot broke what was going to be a moment of silence between us. Grabbing a cup and a tea bag from the cupboard she looked in the refrigerator.

"No milk?"

"The closest you're going to get is coffee creamer." She frowned.

"I'll just have a little Sweet and Low." Grabbing everything she needed, she sat down again next to me, still playing with her tea bag. "Well, who wants to start?"

"Why don't you since you've already broken the ice?" She paused, took a sip of her tea, and scowled. I was hoping it was because of the bitter taste of the tea—not me—and started talking.

"You already know how it started. There's really not much I can add to it. Rick knew how I felt about you. He wanted someone on the side and I told him I wasn't going to be his plaything, especially with him wanting to stay married and all. He already knew there was no way on this earth I was leaving you. I don't know what it is with some guys. Do they really think their wives aren't going to know something is going on?"

"I didn't know," I said, injecting my own naivety.

"Steve, I wasn't screwing around on you. I never would."

"Then I don't understand, why did you continue to see him?"

"I didn't. Like I said, I told him I would never leave you, and we could talk about school, but that was it."

"But you said you were bringing him to the wedding!" She smiled.

"I never said I was bringing Rick. I said I was probably bringing a date since I figured you would be. You were the one assuming it was Rick. Hell, I wasn't even talking to Rick anymore now that the class was over." I was totally confused.

"If it wasn't going to be Rick, then who?"

"I probably could have found someone. I had dated a few guys, but like you, at the moment I wasn't dating anyone." My brain still wasn't following her. "Steve, let me spell it out for you. If you were bringing a date, then I would have found someone to bring. Do you really think I would have come alone when you had some sweet thing on your arm? For crying out loud, a woman has her pride. When I found out you weren't bringing anyone, it made it much easier."

"Why didn't the kids tell me? They led me to believe you were bringing Rick."

"Steve, if you recall, you were the one that went nuts. You never gave them a chance to get a word in edgewise." Thinking back she was right.

"But Dawn said."

"Dawn told you the truth, you just weren't listening. That's when you said you weren't coming because I was going to be there. Never in my wildest dreams did I think you still had any feelings for me. You wouldn't talk to me, and I was finally starting to get my head around what I was going to do next, without you. I decided to wait at least until after the wedding to make my really hard decisions."

"Mandy, what I said was true. I did miss you, but it wasn't until Dr. Cohen and I talked that I understood that our problems started years ago, not just months ago."

"Look Steve, I'm not some hot babe that has a long list of suitors clamoring for my hand. I'm on the north side of forty-eight and happy to have just one man in my life. My body is still playing tricks on me and will be for the next couple of years, so you'll have to contend with that if we're still together." I chuckled. "It's not funny. Getting older for guys is easy. You gain a few pounds, your hair starts thinning and goes gray at the temples, you get that mature look, and with all the single women out there, you're still a great catch. Women just get old, plain and simple. So if you're still looking for an old, attached female, I think I can fill the bill." I leaned over to kiss her.

"You're not old and I still think you're hot." That brought another smile to her lips.

"So, just how many other woman did you have sex with while I was gone?" Shit, that was one question I thought I could put off until later.

"How many guys did you go to bed with?" was my immediate reply. We both looked at one another.

"How about if we just say sex without love just isn't all that great and leave it at that." I agreed, that was the last time anything was said on that topic.

It was almost three more weeks before Mandy moved permanently back into the house. We met with Dr. Cohen twice more and then stopped. We both finally knew what we wanted. On the night she moved back in I took her outside on the deck to talk to her. "Mandy, I want to thank you for being the better person and stepping up while I continued to act like my dad. I promise you I'll do everything I can to make our life together better, to be the husband you deserve, and to cherish you for as long as our lives go on." Mandy looked at me, pulled me into her arms, and hugged me tightly,

The kids were apprised of our progress, but kept their opinions to themselves. They knew we needed to work things out for ourselves. It took time and a lot of talking to figure out when it all started, and what we could do to prevent it from happening again.

Mandy was adamant when she informed me our marriage was off limits if I wanted my writing career to continue. "If you write anything else it better be fiction, do you understand?" And if you need anyone to edit it, or you need another opinion, you've got a college professor on staff to help you."

I didn't have time to write, or do much of anything else for almost six months. We spent most of our evenings together either talking or planning our future. Do I still think her friends and colleges are pompous asses? Hell, yes, but at least they now talk with me instead of at me, which is a big step in my healing process with them.

Eight months after the wedding, I found out I was going to be a grandfather. This was another chapter in my life I couldn't have been happier about. I am feeling satisfied and content with where my life is going these days.

In June, I took a week of vacation and the whole family went up to the cabin. Art watched as the caravan of cars and trucks arrived loaded down with building materials. Within four days the deck was almost doubled in size, and there are now enough outdoor lights it almost looks like high noon when they are all turned on. We began making plans for spending some time at the cabin in the winter. Ronnie even talked about bring up two snowmobiles.