Runaway Pt. 01

Noah was my friend, but Noah was a stranger. What if he left me there? What if told me to get out of the car and left me at that rest stop on the highway? I had never heard my father scream the way he had when Sean disappointed him. I had never imagined he would try to send my brother to conversion therapy or kick him out.

Who was to say Noah wasn't capable of something like that? I barely knew him, all things considered.

There was a high-pitched sound. I didn't know if it was real, if it was a squeal coming from my throat or a ringing encased only in my mind. I pressed my hands to my temples, clenching my jaw as the ringing turned to a throb.

I'm dying. I think I'm dying.

I wasn't sure if I thought it or said it. My breathing was ragged, gasping and uneven.

"Lacey, calm down." His voice was distant, quiet beneath the throbbing pulse in my ears. "Are you all right? I'm sorry, hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry. Shit, Lacey. Talk to me. I'm really sorry, all right?"

His hand touched my shoulder and I tensed. He yanked it away as though I was made of fire.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don't cry. Fuck. Look, I can't say I'm not frustrated, because I am, but it's not directed at you."

The pounding in my ears turned into a rushing sound. With an alarming amount of clarity, I thought I was about to pass out.

"You're scaring me. Breathe. Just... just take a breath for me, please?"

I didn't want to scare him.

"Lacey. Listen. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm frustrated. I'm sorry I was a dick just now. You must be frustrated, too. It's okay. We'll turn around. We'll get back to Hinton and catch the train again. It's gonna be okay, you just gotta breathe. Please. I'm sorry."

I tried to inhale normally. It took all my strength just to take that breath, but I forced myself to. Noah asked me to. I was supposed to do what people asked me to.

"Please don't be mad at me. Please be okay."

The rushing in my ears faded. It turned back into a pounding, then a pulse, then nothing. My body still shook, trembling as though I was encased in a snowbank, but my breathing returned. Still hunched over, I felt the cross around my neck.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"No," he said softly. "I was out of line. Look, if you don't want to be around me, I'll drop you off wherever you want."

"Please don't leave me here."

His hand touched my shoulder again, tentative. When I didn't tense up, he held it there, a soft comfort as I slowly realized I wasn't going to actually die.

"I would never," he said. "Is that what you thought?"

"Y-You're mad at me."

"No," he said again. "Shit. Lacey, I'm sorry. I didn't think. I'm mad at the situation."

When I was finally able to unfurl myself from the hunched ball I'd tucked myself into, Noah moved his hand.

"Do you have panic attacks a lot?" he asked.

"Is that what that was?"

He tried not to laugh, but the corners of his eyes crinkled. "So no, then?"

"I usually run away when people are mad at me."

He apologized again and again. I forgave him on the condition he accepted my apology, and then forgave him unconditionally anyway. I didn't try to excuse his behaviour. There was nothing to excuse. My reaction to his frustration was the problem, and the long drive back to Hinton gave me time to think about why I had reacted that way.

He wasn't yelling. He was angry, but he wasn't screaming or yelling or threatening in any way. He had every right to be upset, considering the huge mistake I had made, but I didn't like upsetting people, and I didn't like confrontation. The moment his face had reddened, I had started panicking.

Noah blamed himself fully, but I disagreed. We came to an uneasy truce, both of us certain it was our fault. I didn't think his reaction was unwarranted; he didn't think I should trust him again. After driving for a few hours, he pulled into another rest stop.

"I'm sorry."

"Noah, I said I forgive you."

"No, I'm sorry because I'm tired. Can't drive anymore tonight."

We slept at the rest stop. Noah insisted I sleep in the back while he sat in the passenger seat. In the morning, we made it to Valemount about an hour after waking, stopping for breakfast.

"Let me get it," Noah said, digging through the pockets of his jean jacket.

"No."

"Lacey—"

"No." I looked at him firmly. "You've been put out of your way this entire time because of me. If you don't want to go back across the country with me again, I don't blame you, and that's okay. But at least let me show my gratitude, okay?"

"I'm coming with you."

I knew better than to question him on it.

"Listen, guys, I hate to interrupt but are you gonna order?" asked the cashier.

"Extra-large French Vanilla, breakfast sandwich, a medium black coffee, everything bagel with herb-and-garlic, and two hash browns," Noah said promptly.

I smiled as I handed my card over to pay.

**

Noah said his friends wouldn't mind picking up their car in Jasper, so we stopped briefly to see if the train was still out of service. It was, because of course it was, so we bought more bear claws at the bakery and continued on to Hinton.

The closer we got to Hinton, the quieter Noah became. At first, I thought it was just because he was tired. The day before was long and emotional, and sleeping in the car had made me long for the comparative comfort of the train. We were both ragged, in need of showers and a meal that didn't come in a paper bag.

It wasn't until we were driving past the city limits that the tension in the car became so thick that I wondered how I'd missed it.

"How are we going to get from your friend's place back to the station?" I asked.

He didn't respond immediately.

"Noah?"

"We'll drive it to the Timmy's and leave it there."

"Really? They won't mind?"

"Nah."

I bit my lip as I watched him out of the corner of my eye.

"Because I don't mind bringing it to them, you know," I said. "If you think it's okay, I'd really like to say thank you."

"Ah, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

"They're not home."

"Oh."

Another pause as my brows furrowed.

"How do you know that?"

"I talked to them."

"When? You haven't called anyone or—"

"Lacey, it's fine." His voice was calm but strained. "Really. We'll leave it at Timmy's and walk. I'll let them know as soon as we get there."

I took his word for it, chalked up his reaction to being tired, and was quiet until we got to the Tim Horton's.

Noah parked the car at the edge of the lot and we both climbed out.

"Wait, what about the keys?" I asked.

He glanced down at the keys in his hand, then back up at me.

"I'll leave 'em in the restaurant. Let them know to pick 'em up there."

He returned with coffees for both of us and we started down the sidewalk. His legs were longer than mine and he walked so fast I nearly had to jog to keep up.

"Noah, slow down."

He kept up the same pace. "Just want to make sure we get there on time."

"The train doesn't even leave for another two hours. We don't have to rush."

His jaw was clenched, face serious. "Still, let's just get there. Make sure we got tickets and everything."

"Why are you acting so strange?"

He didn't answer, but I found out soon enough.

The highway ran in a straight line right through the town of Hinton with the train station on one side and the bus terminal on the other, and we were on the bus terminal side. We were crossing a side street so we could get to the crosswalk when the beat-up brown sedan we'd spent the past day in came to a screeching halt in front of us.

"Oh, your friends found the car already!"

Noah's face was pale, but he still managed to look at me with incredulous disbelief. It was the only time he looked at me in a way that made me feel stupid.

"Reiman, there you are!"

Two men and a woman climbed out of the car. Noah looked rough around the edges because his clothes were worn and his hair was messy, but he was an overall good person. His friends looked rough around the edges because they were rough around the edges.

The driver was barely taller than me, skinny as a rail, and had a face like a particularly angry muskrat. His hair was greasy and dark, thin facial hair was spattered across his upper lip and chin. From the passenger side came a man taller than Noah and twice his width. His head was shaved and dark tattoos were scrawled up his neck and onto his face.

The woman was tall as well, and the only way to describe her looks was that she was hot. Her makeup set off the darkness of her eyes, lipstick that made her full mouth look pouty and enticing, and her hair was short and spiky. She wore a baggy hoodie with the sleeves rolled up and a very short pair of shorts that clung to her skin.

"Hey Noah." Her voice was high and tauntingly flirty. "Oh look, you found a pretty friend."

"Just let me do the talking," Noah mumbled to me. Before I could respond, he stepped forward. "Hey, Pauline. Long time, no see."

"Sammy said you'd been by. Thought you'd wait to see me, but now I can see why you didn't."

I swallowed hard.

"Yeah, well, I thought Reiman would've brought my fucking car back in a couple hours like he said he would," the shorter man said. His voice was cold and he glared at Noah as he stalked up to us.

"Sam, I was gonna explain—"

"Shut your fuckin' trap. You steal my fuckin' car and for what, to impress this bitch?" He jerked a thumb at me and I felt my cheeks go red.

"Ah, can see why, ya know?" said the taller man. "Reiman, introduce us, eh?"

Noah was standing just in front of me, his arms folded protectively. "No."

"Seems the least you could do for stealing my fucking car," spat Sam.

"You stole the car?" I repeated.

Pauline hooted, slapping her thigh. "Jesus Christ, Noah. Where'd'ja find this one?"

"Leave her alone," Noah said. "She's got nothing to do with this."

"That so?"

The tall man started forward suddenly. Noah stepped back and bumped into me. I dropped the coffee I had been holding and grabbed the sleeve of his jacket as I stumbled, meaning that when the tall man pulled me away from him, Noah couldn't grab him back.

"Hey, pretty thing. I'm Darian. What's your name, baby?"

I looked at Noah, terrified, and didn't respond.

"Don't be such a fuckin' pig," Noah growled. "Let go of her."

"Don't think I will," Darian said. An arm heavier than a tree branch wrapped around my shoulders. "'Least not till Sam says so."

"Please don't touch me." My voice was small and squeaky as I tried to pull myself away from Darian.

He burst out laughing, as did Pauline. His arm tightened threateningly around me as she sauntered towards us.

"Just look at her," Pauline snorted. She grabbed the cross around my neck and tugged, breaking the chain easily. "Look, Sammy. Little Christian girl. You here to save Noah's soul or something?"

"Didn't you get enough of that in the pen? Now you're goin' after little Christian girls?"

Noah's face was red, fully red. "You're all wrong. She's a friend. Haven't touched her."

"Nah, he wouldn't touch her," Pauline said. "Noah's just a fuckin' rat thief, never did nothing to any girls. He's too noble. S'why I like ya, Noah. Even if you did just steal my baby brother's car."

"Oh, so she's a little whore then, hey?" Darian's face lit up as he leered down at me. "Why else she with your scrawny ass?"

"Stop it," Noah said again. "Seriously, fuck off. Your problem isn't with her."

"Yeah, back to the matter at hand!" Sam stomped his foot. "You fuckin' ask me to borrow a car for two hours, two hours you say to me, and just disappear? You disrespect me like that, you fuckin' goof?"

"And then you don't even tell your cute little girlfriend you stole it?" Pauline giggled. "Aw honey, did he tell you anything about him? Did he tell you where he made friends with my baby brother here?"

Noah's expression didn't change, but he didn't look at me. Darian nudged me hard.

"She's talkin' to you. Answer."

"He didn't," I whispered obediently.

Darian and Pauline hooted with laughter again.

"Lemme guess, he told you he was a good guy, just down on his luck? Talked his way into your life, maybe got you all hot with his bad-boy looks that are so different than your pretty boys from back home?" She was mocking me, my cross dangling from her fingers as she spoke. "Well, he can say whatever the fuck he wants. He can tell everyone he's changed and he's gonna get his life on track. We all been hearin' it from him for years. Fact remains, he stole a car from the man he shared a prison cell with for three years. He'll fuck you over too, pretty girl."

A prison cell?

My head was spinning.

The car was stolen.

Noah had been to prison.

Darian's fingers were digging into my arm as he held me in place.

Noah had lied to me, and he wouldn't even look me in the eye.

Pauline's words hung in the air. She looked at me as though she was waiting for a response, but I had nothing to say. I had no tears in my eyes. No pain, nothing to beg for. I felt numb. Broken. Stupid.

Pauline seemed to be able to read my face, every emotion and thought and terrified twitch I made. What she saw at that moment, I didn't know. Whatever it was, it made her stop. She pressed her lips together and sighed.

"Let her go, Darian."

"But—"

"Do it, you fuckin' goof." She held the broken necklace out to me. "Here. Sorry I broke it. Get some money from Daddy to buy a new one."

Darian released my arm and I took a giant step away from him.

"Now for you," Pauline said as she turned to Noah. "You got the car back, no harm there. But you disrespected Sammy, and you know that can't fly. Gimme your jacket."

"No."

Her eyes seemed to flash in the sun as she glared at Noah. "Give it."

"Don't," he pleaded.

"Gimme the fuckin' jacket, Noah."

I had never seen Noah take his jean jacket off. It should have been something I noticed before. After all, it was summer. It wasn't especially warm, but it wasn't cold enough to warrant a jacket. The realization hit me only as I saw Noah's face scrunched in distress at being told to give up his jacket.

"You already broke my necklace," I interrupted. "Take that if you need something from us."

Pauline glanced at me, her eyebrows raised. "Us, eh?"

"No, keep your necklace," Noah said. Dejected, he started unbuttoning the jacket.

I held the necklace out to Pauline. "It's worth more than an old jacket. Take it."

She made a disgusted face. "You think this is about money?"

I did, but apparently that was incorrect.

"I got it for my First Communion," I said. "I've worn it every day since I can remember. It was my grandmother's."

"Lacey, keep your fucking necklace," Noah implored, his voice as desperate as his eyes.

"Lacey?" squealed Pauline. "Oh, that's fucking adorable." She snatched the cross out of my hand.

"Take my damn jacket, Pauline! You wanted it in the first place," Noah protested.

"Nah. I got this shit now." She laughed as she started stalking back to the car. "C'mon, you two."

They left as quickly as they'd arrived, leaving me standing in the middle of the street with Noah as we watched the car drive away.

The world went silent around us as the car turned the corner, and all I could do was stare at the spot it had been while Noah shifted uncomfortably.

"You're probably wondering—"

I started walking away before Noah even finished the sentence. It seemed to startle him, and he jogged to catch up with me.

"Wait, just let me explain—"

He reached out to touch my arm and I batted his hand away.

"Lacey, wait—"

"No."

I stopped suddenly and Noah crashed into me. My heart was pounding so hard that I felt dizzy as I whirled towards him.

"You know what, Noah? You were right."

"What?"

"You said I shouldn't blindly trust people. And then I trusted you."

He tilted his head back, eyes closed. "Listen, just let me explain—"

"You stole a car! And lied to me about it!"

"It wasn't really—"

"You've been in prison."

He went silent.

"For what?"

Noah looked away, his jaw clenched.

"For what, Noah?"

"Theft."

"Theft."

"And drugs," he mumbled.

I couldn't look at him.

"I'm clean," he continued. "Have been for almost six years now. I got involved with some people, did some stupid shit. I never hurt anyone, Lacey."

"You broke the law."

"I fucking—" He stopped suddenly, running a hand through his hair. "I fucked up. I've been paying for it every single day since then. I didn't lie to you, I just didn't... I don't tell people. That's not who I am anymore."

"You lied about the car."

Again, he went silent.

"I accidentally got us to the wrong side of the country. That's a mistake. You put us in danger! I thought they were going to kill us. Or we could have been arrested. You made me an accomplice to a crime!"

"They wouldn't have called the cops."

"Not the point!" I bit my lip, hard, to keep from crying. "You need to leave me alone. I might be stupid, but you put us in danger on purpose."

The serious expression on his face stayed stoic, but he closed his eyes.

"Why'd you give them your necklace?" he asked quietly.

"It was just a stupid necklace. I don't care about it."

It was the first lie I'd told Noah. I should have felt guilty. It should have bothered me more that I didn't.

I turned and ran away from him as fast as I could.

**

Reading signs from God is not easy.

They say He works in mysterious ways, but that summer I began to think it was just an excuse so people didn't feel as bad about making the wrong decision. It was a way to justify their actions and choices while still believing that God had the capacity to care about each and every one of us, like there weren't seven billion other people He was watching over at the same time.

If God worked in normal ways, I probably would have gone back home when the people at the train station told me that I couldn't catch a train east for two days. I would have interpreted that as God telling me I had made the wrong choice, that it was time to go home to my little town with its little ways and little problems.

Throw in some "mysterious ways," though, and you can interpret that as anything. Throw in a girl who was frustrated and scared and alone, and you can interpret it as "well, I'll just take a bus back to Edmonton so I can take the train tonight." It didn't seem to cross my mind that even if Noah and I hadn't fought, we still would have been stuck there for two days.

The Hinton stop was conditional, they said.

"It's not a major stop, so they need 48 hours' notice if you want a pickup here," said the woman behind the counter.

"48 hours," I repeated. "There's nothing else? They can't, I don't know, make an emergency stop?"

"Is it an emergency?"

I thought for a moment, then sighed. "No."

She smiled politely, though I'm sure she was rolling her eyes internally. "I'm not supposed to send customers to our competitors, but the bus to Edmonton leaves in about an hour. They'll bring you right to the station in Edmonton, and the train leaves from there about two hours after you'd arrive."

I crossed the highway back to the bus terminal, wary of seeing Noah en route, but he had disappeared. I told myself I wasn't worried about him, that he was an adult who could take care of himself. Hell, he could take care of himself better than I could take care of myself. I told myself I didn't care what happened to him, that I was angry with him.

I ignored the small, whispery voice in my head that said he deserved forgiveness. Look what happened when I forgave Roger, I reasoned. Forgiving people had gotten me into this mess.

I ignored the fact that Noah hadn't intended to hurt me. It didn't matter. I was hurt all the same.