Secret Sins Ch. 04

"Why do you feel so guilty about having done something you know you wanted? Something you so enjoyed that you actually orgasmed?"

I couldn't even answer her at first. I saw the point she was making, but that didn't change the fact that she and I had somehow encouraged an eighteen year old girl to suck her older brother's penis until he came right in her mouth and all over her face. I couldn't answer because I couldn't understand how the enormity of that could have no impact on her, saying nothing about how in hell I could have let it happen, participating even. But, by the way she was acting, anybody who didn't know any better would have thought that they'd only kissed each other's cheek and that was that.

"Donna, I... Do you even understand how wrong that was?"

"That didn't stop you from fingering yourself to orgasm while it was happening," she just had to point out for me.

"That's not the point!" I insisted, suddenly angry with her and disgusted with myself. "I'm an ordained minister! It's my sworn duty before God to help people, to save them from their own sins, not to encourage them to wallow in mine!"

"Well, you should have thought of that before you told her to suck his cock," she replied. "I fucking loved that, by the way."

Again, I found myself temporarily speechless. She really didn't have any moral problem at all with what had happened. What was worse was how I knew that I really didn't have any talking room, her last comment effectively teaching me as much. So, with an effort, I managed to refrain from yelling as she ogled my bare chest with a leer, trying to get through to her from a different direction.

"Do you realize what will happen if they tell anybody what just went on here? Donna, I'd be finished! I think incest is illegal; we could end up in jail, or-!"

"Both of them are of legal age of consent, Tara. In the eyes of the law, we didn't do anything wrong, and even if incest is illegal in Canada, They're the ones who will get into trouble. Not us."

"I'd be thrown out of the Army!" I angrily returned, losing control of my tone despite my best efforts.

"You're not going to get thrown out of the Salvation Army," she scoffed, rolling her eyes as she pulled the zipper of her shorts up. "Do you honestly think those two are going to say anything to anyone? I'm trying to tell you, they're the ones who have the most to lose if they do, not us, and I don't think they're so stupid that they don't know that. Granted, Darren's intellect is roughly comparable to that of a hamster, but even he would know better than to socially and legally fuck himself up the ass by opening his mouth about-"

I couldn't take any more. Abruptly spinning on my regulation heels, I marched out of the room and mounted the stairs to my personal quarters. By the time I was approaching the bathroom, listening to Donna's feet on the stairs in pursuit, I could much better see the need for a privacy door to separate the lower level from my little apartment.

Shoving the bathroom door open, I felt tears squeezing from the outside corners of my eyes. I reached into the tub and plugged the drain with the little rubber stopper before starting the water for a bath, the first of my tears trickling down my cheeks as I listened to Donna's feet coming down the hall.

I'd been such a good Soldier, worked so hard at CFOT to make a name for myself, and now I could almost see it all coming down around me. For the gazillionth time, I silently cursed Kayla for introducing me to pornography that night, for awakening this sick, Godless, soul putrefying addiction to watching people debase themselves and their bodies. Now I wanted to debase my own and those of others? Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I have to have this one flaw, this secret sin that-

"Tara..."

I declined answering to her gentle hail, refusing to face her as my guilt and self-recrimination began tearing the walls of my mind down, tears now flowing freely down my cheeks as the events in the kitchen became more and more real.

"Tara," she repeated, her tone more firm, but still gentle, as gentle as her hands on my shoulders when she turned me around to face her whether I liked it or not.

"Look at me, sweetie pie."

I didn't want to look at her. Such was my shame that I didn't want to look at anyone, much preferring to look at her still bare boobs. They were proud and perky, despite their size and her age, the boobs of a twenty year old, not those of a thirty year old and, after all the hours of pornography I'd poisoned my soul with, I well knew this. Any woman would die for her body, but it was her captivating eyes I ended up looking into when she lifted my face by my chin.

"They're not going to tell anyone."

"They're not going to tell anyone," I agreed, knowing this to be true for the very sensible reasons that she'd already spelled out in the kitchen.

"So, you're not going to be thrown out of the Army," she determined.

"I'm not going to be thrown out of the Army," I realized aloud.

Then, looking into her beautiful eyes, these facts started to make me feel just a little bit better. As she wiped my tears away, smiling sympathetically as a mother might, I was thankful I had her, someone who could make me feel better the way she was doing. But my guilt and disappointment in myself remained, mine and Donna's act of soiling Haley and Darren still crushing my spiritual conscience and making more tears flow in the knowledge that I could never take back that damage to them, ever.

"Sweetie pie, what's wrong?" she softly implored, looking deep into my eyes as though she could read the answer there before I replied as truthfully as I could.

"J-Jesus will never forgive me. (Sob!)"

"Jesus," she said under her breath in such a way as I couldn't be sure if she was swearing, or blaming him. "Tara... When you accepted Christ into your life, did he not forgive you your transgressions?"

"Yes."

"Which ones?"

" ... A-all of them."

"Just the ones you've committed before you accepted him as your saviour?"

" ... No, a-all of them," I blubbered, wondering where she was going with this as I clarified with, "The sins I would later commit as well. (Sniff)"

"Transgressions," she corrected. "Sin is the state of living without God and pertains to the heathen. We're talking transgressions of Judaic Law here, a law that nobody is even capable of keeping. If it were possible for us to keep the Law, than Christ need not have been sent to us as a living sacrifice in the first place. Correct?"

After a moment's thought, I nodded.

"So, you've already been long ago forgiven for what's happened downstairs, just as you've also been forgiven for any other transgressions you're going to commit. Correct?"

I nodded again, a little ashamed that, as an ordained minister, I was being schooled on salvation by a non-believer.

"So, it's okay. You're okay. Don't piss all over the gift of forgiveness that Christ has already given you by beating yourself up for what you perceive as your failures. I mean, if God has forgiven a person for who and what they are, for the things they have done, currently do and will do, who are you to take his act of forgiveness into judgement? The same goes for you. If you continue to judge yourself for failing to keep Judaic Law, even though He's already forgiven you for it, then you're only taking everything He's accomplished up on that cross and making it totally meaningless."

I could only blink in the face of her wisdom whether she was Christian or not. She was absolutely right, and I couldn't help smiling a little as I felt the terrible burden of guilt easing some of its horrible weight from my soul.

"So, is there any reason for you to feel guilt, or personal shame over what happened in the kitchen today?"

I shook my head, my smile a little brighter.

"Hm?"

"No," I replied, surprised at this revelation.

"No," she confirmed. "So, from now on, when you think of what happened, you can feel free to be turned on by it. And tomorrow, when they come back, maybe we'll all come up her and commit some more... transgressions. Transgressions that The Lord has already forgiven you for. Okay?"

"Well..."

"Oh, c'mon, Lieutenant. You know as well as I do that transgressing is a lot of fun, and I'd like to see what else your perverted imagination could do with those two. So would you."

She was right. God help me, she was, and I could already feel my hormones firing up again at the very thought of what my imagination could get poor Darren and Haley into. I smiled a little wider still, the very expression sheepishly admitting to this, and she took me in her arms and quietly held me.

When the tub filled up, she helped me out of my skirt. Without removing her shorts, she stepped in, holding her hand out to me. I took it, stepping over the edge while still in my panties and garters. She sat down and I sat down ahead of her, between her thighs to recline against her chest in the warm water.

She gently splashed water over my upper body with her hands, wetting me down before taking the bar of soap from the little dish that hung over the edge of the tub. I enjoyed a nice, slow lathering of my chest, shoulders and arms before she took her time rinsing me down again. Then she just held me, her arms around my upper body in the embrace of a lover, a mother, the friend I'd never had. I closed my eyes, soon drifting off to sleep in her embrace to dream of the most wickedly filthy sex acts that the porn industry would never dare film.