Sex Education in the Ozarks

"The pussy?" I said, "Now why in the world would folks go calling it after a little ol' kitty cat?"

Now, Uncle Abe has been around some, and I think he'd even been outside of Frog Whistle once or twice, and he looked at me, gave me one of them smiles says he was a man of the world, and he said, "Cause, Wendell, if you treat it right, it'll purr like a kitten."

I said, "How do y'all treat it right, Uncle Abe?"

He said, "Well, before you go puttin' yer pecker inside a lady's pussy like that, she likes y'all to kinda fondle it a little, you know, real gentle like. That kinda gets her in the mood for you to poke yer pecker in there and start sawin' on it." He paused, like he was makin' sure I was payin' attention, and he leaned in a little and said, "But the best way to treat a lady's pussy right is to get up close and personal with it, give it a little kissin', and bit o' lickin'."

"Lickin'?" I said, "How can y'all go lickin' down there where she pees?"

Uncle Abe said, "That's the strangeness of it boy. I know it don't sound right putting your tongue down there, but a lady's pussy is the sweetest thing y'all are ever gonna taste, and once you smelt one, you ain't never gonna be the same again." I figured for moment Uncle Abe was only joshin' about lickin' down there on a lady's special place, but he said, "I ain't jokin', Wendell. You just wait and see."

So after Uncle Abe was all finished learnin' me all about peckers and ladies, he said, "Now, Wendell, I want y'all to remember that there ain't no reason to be ashamed of yer pecker going all hard and swoll up like that. It means you've growed into a man, and you should be proud of that there pecker o' yours."

I said, "Okay Uncle Abe, next time it gets all swoll up I'm gonna be real proud of it."

Anyway, me and Uncle Abe finished up our long talk, and I walked away knowin' I was now a man, with a pecker that could swell up fit to bust. I reckoned it wouldn't be too long 'fore I'd meet me a lady that liked me in that particular way and she'd be wantin' me to put my pecker up there inside her special place and take to sawin' on it. Later on that afternoon, I was thinkin' about ladies and peckers again, and next thing I knowed, my pecker was all swoll up again, only this time instead of being scared it was gonna fall off, I was right proud of it.

I reckoned Granma McCutcheon'd be right proud of me too if I went out and showed her, so I went into the kitchen with my jeans all poked out from my swoll up pecker, and I said, "Look at me Granma! I'm a man! Look how hard my pecker's gone!"

Well, I reckon Granma musta been in one of her ornery moods that day, 'cause she took one look at me and grabbed her big black skillet, and said, "Wendell, you put that durn thing away 'fore hit you 'round the head with this skillet so hard, by the time you remember what it's good fer, you'll be too old to use it."

Well, I ran out the kitchen real quick, 'cause I seen in the past how handy Granma McCutcheon is with that skillet of hers, and then I considered on it for a while, and I reckoned that it must be 'cause she ain't got no fella to put his pecker in her special place no more, so maybe peckers is a sore point with her when they's a-swoll up like that.

So that there's the story of how I got learned all about peckers and ladies by my Uncle Abe. I ain't found me a lady yet that wants to, "make love," with me, but now that I got me a sixth grade education, I reckon I'm one of them, "eligible bachelors," folks talk about, and pretty soon there'll be ladies linin' up for me to start into sawin' on 'em, so I'll just bide my time.

So, y'all just remember, come back real soon, ya hear?