Some Time to Kill

Arthur pissed me off. I was a very hands-off boss, but I didn't appreciate being treated like a first day dishwasher, and that was his habit. I overlooked a lot because of how talented he was. He never looked up as he opened box after box, checking fruit, basil, snap peas, and everything else.

"I need you to go to dinner with me and Carey sometime next week. We need your thoughts on that new place we're looking at."

"Tuesday good?" Arthur said, not stopping his inspections.

"That's fine."

"Okay, I'll block off the evening. Let me know what time and I'll meet you there. You need to wash up and get an apron. The prep station is clean, just save the ends of the onions and watch your fingers."

"You were serious about that?"

He turned and stared at me. For a skinny, short guy, he was intimidating as hell in his kitchen. I sliced onions for forty minutes, got changed in his office, and headed to the field.

We played Zabar's Fulfilment, a team sponsored by the eponymous Zabar's. It was a coed, fun league and we had a good team with lots of rooting for the weaker players on both teams. It was casual and fun and would have been better if I wasn't worrying about Billie.

Zabar's pitcher was hit by a sharp line-drive to the shin. I had some chemical ice packs in my trunk and jogged off to grab a couple. When I got there, I saw Billie sitting in her car, watching me. I smiled and called out.

"Gimmee two minutes, okay?"

She nodded, I popped the ice packs, gave them to the pitcher who thanked me and took myself out of the game. I grabbed two beers from the cooler and walked back to the parking lot. Billie was leaning against my car when I got there.

I raised my eyebrows and smiled. "Hey."

"Hey. So, I sort of screwed up, huh?"

It was one of those borderline days, around sixty-five degrees. I grabbed my windbreaker from the backseat while I thought about how to answer.

"No, not... Well, I don't know. Not in a big way. It's not the end of the world."

"Yeah, but I know you well enough to know that we're not, I don't know, the same anymore, right?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess."

"We never talked about it. I mean, neither of us said anything about not seeing other people."

I took a swig of the beer. "Absolutely. This is a me thing. I get it."

"So..."

"Yeah."

"This is sort of awkward."

"It doesn't have to be. Come back with me and catch the end of the game. Enjoy your beer. Say hi to everyone."

"We're okay?"

"We're fine."

We were walking when she looked over at me. "What happened to your hand?"

I picked at the bandaid. It was a minor cut. "Mandolines are for professionals."

"The slicers?"

"Yeah."

"Should I ask for details?"

"Nope."

"Okay, then."

Things got progressively more comfortable with Billie as the evening went on. Both teams went to get wings after the game, and by the time we left, everything was fine. We weren't going to be dating, but that was fine.

Carey called me early that Saturday. I was in the office at the bar with a cup of coffee as I looked over our purchasing for the past ninety days and compared it to the same period for the previous year and the year before that. Profits were trending up, even with the increase in labor costs. We'd beaten the government to the punch and began paying our entry-level people fifteen an hour two years ago.

Her voice sounded stiff. "Antoine, you have a few minutes?"

"I have more than that. You're saving me from going over financials. This stuff is a cure for insomnia. What's up?"

"Mom. I have a question for you. Does she seem to get worse in the fall and better at the start of spring?"

"What?"

"With... everything, I guess. How clingy she is, and getting all gloomy. Have you ever noticed it is a cycle?"

"Um, no. It might be, but I never noticed. Why?"

"I started thinking about it, and I think there might be something there. She usually seems to start turning things around in March or April. Have you ever heard of seasonal affective disorder?"

"No. That's a thing?"

"Yeah. And what if some of what bothered Kevin was inherited? If it came from Mom's side of the family, maybe her being the way she is isn't entirely due to what happened."

I pushed the chair back from the desk and sat there thinking.

"Antoine?"

"Sorry. Um, that's a lot to take in. It makes sense. Did you talk to her about it?"

"I was sort of hoping we could do that together."

"Okay. Thursday? We have dinner with Arthur Tuesday, and I have a game on Wednesday."

"Thursday works."

I took Tuesday off and got to the restaurant early. Checking with the girl at the desk, I found out that they didn't offer a hot breakfast and the earliest the restaurant was open was 10:00 AM on the weekends for brunch. That seemed crazy. Even if they just kept a skeleton crew there to do a limited breakfast menu and have two delivery people, they should clean up.

The table was waiting for us when I walked in, and I noticed that the staff seemed extremely attentive. Arthur showed up next, and some people came out from the kitchen to talk to him. We had some appetizers sent to our table from the chef as we waited. If the staff had an inkling that we might be buying the place, bringing Arthur did nothing to dissuade them.

Carey and Evelyn showed up together, and our waitress removed a chair from our table so Evy had room. The hostess had quietly done a walk-through from the entrance to our table to ensure the wheelchair would be unobstructed. I saw her lean over and whisper to a man who pulled his chair in. She was smooth and proactive.

The food wasn't bad, just dull. Arthur could fix that. The service was excellent, so it seemed the issue was with management.

We ordered four meals and more appetizers and then swapped food. Arthur took notes not only on what we ate but what he could see on the tables around us. If we did buy this place, he would be a big part of everything having to do with the food. He'd get a new title and a significant raise, and he knew it.

We paid, tipped well, and walked out to the parking lot.

I looked around at everyone. "Any thoughts?"

Arthur nodded, looked to the restaurant, and then back to us. "They're handcuffed in there. Did you notice that everything was cooked perfectly? They know what they're doing, but it's like the owner's allergic to flavor. Everything was... Muted? Cooked well, but, yeah, dull."

"Do you know what we'd have to buy for the kitchen? Anything major?"

"I'll know by the end of the week. I'm reaching out to some people."

"Okay, great. Evy? Thoughts?"

"There's lots of unused space out here. What if we look into having some tables outdoors?"

"Good idea. Anything else?"

"Yes. We need to get involved in some community events for businesses; Rotary fundraisers, things like that. I'd like to speak to other business owners in the area and ask about carting issues, policing, and things along those lines. They have two events coming up. One's some sort of an outdoor concert where they're serving burgers, and the other is a fancy sit-down affair. I bought us tickets."

"Is that something you and Carey can handle?"

"We could, but you should be there."

I sighed. "Okay."

The concert was okay. Country-western music wasn't my thing, but it wasn't bad. The restaurant offered more than burgers; the caterer had a huge smoker they brought in and were serving ribs and chicken alongside a carving station for tri-tip. We had paid for a table for six and brought Arthur, Mom, and Jake, a guy Carey knew from her gym. Evy pointed out possible investors at tables near us if we wanted to do something bigger in the future.

Seeing Mom reminded me that both Carey and I had blown off talking to her about how she was doing emotionally. It wasn't very mature of either of us, but it was a difficult topic to broach.

The event was a benefit for the pediatric ward at Sutter Davis Hospital and was run by the Chamber of Commerce. We mingled and spoke to as many other business owners as possible. I danced with Mom and brought Evy out on the dance floor. We'd danced at parties since we were teenagers and I'd shown her prom date how to dance with someone in a wheelchair, so we were old hands at getting out there.

People stared at us for a little while, which was expected, and then went back to paying attention to their dance partners. We stayed out for two songs and went back to the table. I shook a few more hands, asked people about their businesses, and tried to be polite, but that was really all I could do.

Carey was the numbers person. She did all of our accounting, helped with the PNL expectations, and yelled at me when our GMROI was lower than she wanted. My sister had spent six years getting her degree in the field, so I just smiled and nodded and went along with her suggestions. Evelyn was the capital and info person. She had contacts and experience with start-ups. Knowing what to do and when to do it to get us rolling was her bailiwick.

Me? I got lucky with some investments and was able to slap a double down the left-field gap reliably. Still, we made a great team.

I brought over a drink for Mom and Evy while Jake and Carey were on the dance floor. Evy looked from the dancers to me.

"Isn't that your friend from the movies?"

It was. Lindsey was standing by a table, smiling resolutely while shaking her head at a man who seemed to want to get her on the dance floor.

"Not really a friend. We met at the bar, and she was the opposing lawyer for the thing with the meat supplier."

"Ah."

We sat and talked and Jake told us a funny story about Carey at the gym. Evy let loose with that overly loud laugh, and it just cracked me up. Our foursome couldn't stop laughing, and everyone was staring. Fuck 'em, that just made me laugh harder.

I pushed Evy out onto the dance floor and we got our usual stares for a few moments. We stayed out there for a few songs, before heading back to the table. I finished my cake and snagged Carey's while she danced with Jake. Evy reached over and tapped my hand.

"Hey, your non-friend is trying not to dance with an octopus."

Following her gaze, I saw Lindsey on the dance floor with a guy who had his hands on her ass. She pulled away, and he pulled her right back in again. When she pushed on his chest, I stood up and walked over.

"Hello, counselor. May I have this dance?" I turned to her date. "You don't mind if I cut in, do you? Just one dance."

"Actually, pal—"

Lindsey interrupted him. "Hello, Tony. I'd love to."

The guy looked at the two of us and walked off mumbling.

"I wasn't sure what was going on, but it looked like you might want a different dance partner."

"I did. Thanks."

"Do you know him? Is he always like that?"

"I have no idea. I'm here alone, and he asked me to dance. What's the harm, I thought. Shows you what I know."

We grabbed an extra chair, and she joined us at our table for the rest of the night. I went back out on the dance floor with Evy a few times and both Jake and I danced with Lindsey once.

We walked a grateful Lindsey to her car and when Carey asked what she thought about the Bonfire Inn she said she hadn't been there before. The two women had her agreeing to lunch within minutes.

There were a few more meetings about the Bonfire Inn. Arthur had gotten word from their staff and made a list of what we'd need to upgrade. It was a lot less than we had anticipated. Evy found out that adding eight two-tops out front would be sufficient. We wanted to be as close to farm-to-table as possible, and Arthur and I took a drive out to some agricultural co-ops and spoke to the owners about sourcing.

Carey and I kept pushing off the talk with Mom. We'd split up the visit duties, and our presence was enough to keep her on an even keel, but we'd eventually have to sack up and sit her down to talk.

There were a few more meetings about the Bonfire Inn. Arthur had gotten word from their staff and made a list of what we'd need to upgrade. It was a lot less than we had anticipated. Evy found out that adding eight two-tops out front would be sufficient. We wanted to be as close to farm-to-table as possible, and Arthur and I took a drive out to some agricultural co-ops and spoke to the owners about sourcing.

Carey and I kept pushing off the talk with Mom. We'd split up the visit duties, and our presence was enough to keep her on an even keel, but we'd eventually have to sack up and sit her down to talk.

Evy had driven me to the event, and on the way home, we grabbed a pizza as both of us had just pecked at the chicken. We sat on my couch, watching some rom-com. I demanded it not be another Pedro Pascal movie, and we found something that looked pretty good. She let out her too-loud laugh, and I smiled.

There was a scene where the leads got into an argument about sports. The actress had a line that was an almost direct quote from Evy about softball and my obsession. She bumped my shoulder, turned, and raised her eyebrows. 'See?' she said with those flexible eyebrows, not uttering a word. 'Sports are ridiculous.'

I looked back at her for a beat too long. Evy continued looking at me. Her eyebrows lowered and she leaned forward. I leaned down. Our lips met.

She playfully nipped at my lower lip. I pulled her onto my lap. We stayed there for a few minutes, exploring each other.

That's when I heard it. For the first time ever, her laugh was small and quiet. She pulled back, and her grin matched mine.

"This isn't working, is it?"

I shook my head.

"Too brother/sister?"

"Yeah, I think."

"I'm not feeling it. You?"

Still smiling, I shook my head again. "Nope."

Evy sighed. "Well, there goes a good fifteen years of daydreaming. Friends?"

I laughed. "Always."

Standing off to the side, I swung the bat lightly while watching the field. This was my church, my ashram, my retreat. I took in the aroma of the fresh-cut grass, the chatter of the players, and the weight of the bat with the added donut and felt at peace.

Jillian hit a dribbler to their pitcher who easily threw her out at first. Knocking the donut off the bat, I took my time approaching the plate. I smiled. This was where I needed to be.

"Hey, Fred."

The ump nodded at me. "Tony."

Circling ever so slowly, I could almost count the seams as the ball arced in the air and approached. Everyone and everything there was part of softball, part of the experience that made me forget while also giving me structure. There were no worries about Mom, no concerns about Billie, and no thoughts about Evelyn. It was just me and softball.

The third baseman shaded too far left, close to second. I slapped the ball past where he actually should be playing. Tim dashed towards home while I headed to first.

No failures, no Kevin. Just me and softball.

I almost regretted Tim's foot hitting home. It signaled the end of the game. We won, five to four. Recapturing the immersion at the moment wasn't possible, but I could head to the batting cage and get close. After calling to ensure that things were good at the bar, I headed towards the cages. I rented one for half an hour and worked on my placement, placing the ball where I wanted it to drop.

Carey called as I got back in my car. "Hey, you eat?"

"No, I'm heading home now. I was going to stop and grab something on the way."

"I'll pick something up and meet you there. Half an hour?"

"Sure."

She knocked and then walked in as I got out of the shower. Carey had some plates out and was portioning Thai food as I walked into the kitchen.

"Well, this is a nice surprise. What's up?"

"We need to talk."

"Is this about Evy?"

"Sort of. You're going to be tempted to tell me to butt out of your personal shit. I get that. You're going to think that I'm arguing for my friend. I get that, too. The truth is, I'm not. I'm just having a conversation. So, you guys are done, right? The experiment?"

I used grabbing a shrimp lettuce wrap as an opportunity to regroup. Carey had an agenda, that was clear.

"Yeah. We realized there was nothing there. Not in that way."

"Uh-huh. This was after, what, your fourth date? Fifth? And you guys had messed around a few times and finally threw in the towel?"

"Um, not really."

"Okay. Three dates? Intimate twice? I hate that word. Intimate. It sounds so clinical."

"No... It just wasn't working."

"So, you fooled around a little on the couch for a grand total of once, it didn't immediately click, so you tossed it away. You know you like her as a person. You admire her. She's good people. She's hot and she makes you laugh, but it wasn't worth trying more than once?"

"I... Look, it wasn't going to happen. You're reading too much into it."

"Why?"

She was such an annoying know-it-all. "What do you mean 'why'? It wasn't working. For either of us. Ask her."

"And you couldn't be wrong about that? It couldn't be that the two of you were just awkward? It wasn't worth trying one more time?"

"Look, I don't know what she told you, but—"

"She didn't tell me anything. I just know what you told me. Let's change the topic. We've been talking about sitting Mom down and having a serious conversation with her about going back into therapy. Have you spoken with her?"

My heart was thundering and I could feel my pulse pounding away in my ears. "No, have you?"

"Fair point. I'll own that. I should have. But we're talking about you. You didn't because it would be real. It would be serious. It would mean something. What was that girl's name? Billie? Did you ever ask her why things went down like that?"

I'd spent years avoiding this. Years! People had no idea what it was like and what I had to deal with every single day. I tried to remain calm. "Where are you going with this, Carey?"

"You're not stupid, where do you think I'm going?"

I pushed my plate forward. "Dinner's over. Take the food with you when you leave."

"Getting a little angry? That's different, but it's a nice change of pace." She stopped for a second. "Antoine, look at me. You loved Kevin. The two of you were closer than anyone else in the family. You didn't go straight to the park because you were tired and frustrated. Why? Because it was always you. Not Mom, not Dad, not me. You. The two of you were so close, and then he was gone and you blamed yourself."

My breath was shallow and it felt as if the room was closing in on me. "Just... Take the food. I'm done with this. With everything."

She shook her head. "If you don't get too close to someone, too involved, you can't lose them. You won't have any more guilt to carry."

"Carey, shut up and get the fuck out! You have no idea what you're talking about. It's not about Kevin, it's not about what happened. Pull your head out of your ass and stay in your lane."

"Then what is it? You own your condo, you have three successful businesses, you're in good shape and you're a good looking guy. Why are you always single? Girls like you. It's not like you don't have a choice in the matter."

"It's... I don't... Look, it's none of your business, alright? I'm just not built that way. I'm happy the way things are."

Her voice dropped. "It wasn't your fault. It was nobody's fault. He was sick."

"Well, who the fuck's fault was it, Carey? I went for a Slurpee! A fucking Slurpee! If I'd been there five minutes earlier, he'd be alive."

"You don't know that."

"I do. You didn't see how he looked at me. You didn't see how scared he was. It..."

Shaking, I gripped the edge of the counter and tried to get control of myself.

"He chose to stop taking his meds. He chose to block the rest of us from his life. You were a kid, Antoine. A kid. You don't need anyone's forgiveness. You did nothing wrong. Keeping everything and everyone at arm's distance is crippling you."