Something Lost



~I lost my virginity to a woman I did not love.~

As I write that in my new journal I have to ask myself...why? Not why I did what I did with that woman. That answer I know. But why, two months after it happened, is that still the very first thing on my mind?

I stare at the nearly blank page, a thousand thoughts filling my head and yet that one memory had to be on the top.

"It's not like it's a completely pleasant memory," I mutter to myself then chuckle. That thought in itself is almost funny. What guy in his right mind would find the loss of his virginity to an older woman unpleasant. A bad memory? That night?

Well...

Closing my journal, I toss it towards the corner of my desk. It bumps my clock, which bumps a stack of books, which threaten to tumble off the desk! With scant seconds to spare, I just do catch them before they fall. I breathe a sigh of relief.

"Given my luck of late the books would have hit the trash can, the trash can the bed, the bed the wall and the whole damn house would have collapsed."

Looking up, I realize I'm talking to my reflection in the window. At the look in my eyes I look away, but then with all the reluctance of a man walking to the gallows, I turn to the mirror on my dresser. I don't like what I see there anymore.

Blue eyes and dark hair, a miracle some would say. Mixed heritage giving that hint of the exotic to my eyes. Strong cheek bones, dark eyebrows. I've never been called ugly. But now looking at myself...

Looking away from my reflexion, I pull my journal back to me and flip it back open. I see those words again

~... to a woman I did not love.~

Licking my lips I can half imagine I still taste her kisses. Picking up my pen I start to write again.

~She said I looked 'Yummy'. ~

Twiddling my pen I sit back and look down at that. I just about do it then. I just about lean forward to write it all down, the whole thing. How I've know her for most of my life. One of my mom's oldest friends, who would have thought that she would do something like that. How many years worth of birthday presents have I gotten from her? Years when her presents would even surpass what my family got me...

"Well, she sure topped them this year," I whispered under my breath.

"Yummy." Who would have thought a woman that age would use a word like that.

My eighteenth birthday had rolled around and what did she decide to get me for this year? Well I can honestly say I've never had my hands shake so badly when I was unwrapping a present before.

My breath quickens a bit as the memory of that night flashes past.

"Now you can't ever tell your mom," she had whispered in my ear. Her hands had been under the back of my shirt running up the muscles along my spine. "She would get very mad at me."

Then her lips had taken mine.

Touching my pen to the paper I write,

~I can still feel her lips upon mine.~

The pen then scratches out this half lie. I can't feel them but I kind of wish I could. Her lips upon mine, her hands on me... my hands on her. Even now my hands shake at the memory of how wonderful her body had felt.

I close the journal. This isn't helping. I thought if I could get it all written down, out onto paper and out of my head, maybe it would vanish. Give me some peace from the memories of that night.

How pale her skin had been where the sun hadn't touched it. The smattering of freckles across the tops of her breasts. Just how dark her nipples had been. I almost wish I had just seen that. Just her body... and not the look in her eyes.

Running my hand through my hair, I have to stop myself from remembering that look. Damn even the feel of my own hand in my hair brings back memories of her.

"Oh, for fuck sake!"

Getting to my feet I start for the bathroom. I've always heard a cold shower helps.

I'm almost out the door when my eyes comes to rest on my phone. Her number is in there. It's almost calling to me as I move my hand off the door knob Giving up the shower as useless, I pick up my phone like it's a snake. I scroll through the contacts till I see it. It's not under her real name of course.

"Your mom's a sneak," she had laughingly warned me as she gave it to me. At my puzzled frown, she smiled and then told me just where in my room I hide my collection of porn magazines. Then with a whisper she began to tell me all the things that she would do. Things they couldn't show in those magazines. Things, she promised, for the next time we got together.

With my first time, a memory of pleasure I had never thought possible, that promise of even more had shaken me. That and the look in her eyes. A hungry look of "need" I had not thought a woman's face could make. A demand, from her eyes, that said she was far from sated, even after all we had done. That a woman, any woman, could turn into such an animal? But more than just that... that she, a woman I thought I knew so very well, had shown herself to be person of such hidden lust? Of hunger for sex. Of hunger for... me.

Even now, remembering it, I feel chills. Are they from fear or lust?

At that moment my phone rings, scaring me something terrible! That moment's terror is nothing though compared to what I feel when I see who is calling.

"Should I let it ring?" I think as I'm answering it.

"Hello, sexy."

I shiver as I hear her voice.

"Was just... thinking about you," she tells me softly, her words all breath.

Somehow I find my voice.

"I was doing the same." I say as my pulse jumps.

"Oh, where you?" she purrs. I have to take a deep breath as I hear a shuddered breath come from her. "I thought I would see if you would like to come over... for the night?"

My heart galloping I look to my journal. I need to write down about the first time. Get every moment of it out my head. Write about how she looked at me like I was something to be devoured and how I felt about that look. I glance up at my face in the mirror. I don't look "yummy" to myself. I look terrified.

"Yeah... I'll be right over," I tell her, unable to believe I'm saying it.

"I'll be waiting," she whispers.

I hold the dead phone to my ear as I feel myself trembling. Is it fear or.... anticipation that makes me shake so?

*

( I would like to thank patientlee for her time editing this and the audio part of the story. This was my first attempt at not only an audio story but an audio file. I hope it was enjoyable. MST.)