Something Wicked Ch. 02

-Zach"

I pressed my hand against my stomach, trying to stop the flow of nausea running through my body. So he'd told Brendan everything, and with a tremendously cruel slant. I should have confessed when I came home from the trip but I'd been a coward in so many ways.

"Is there really a tape?"

I jumped and let out a little scream. An intoxicated Brendan swayed behind me, ripping the letter off the table.

"Yes. I-I didn't know he was r-recording."

He drank more scotch. "And now he's stalking you."

"Yes. I was sick immediately after it was done. I told him I didn't want to see him again. I didn't tell you because... Well, it doesn't matter. I didn't tell you. I'm sorry."

"But you weren't sick when he was fucking you."

A queasy weight sank against my chest. "Brendan."

"Did you cum?"

"Brendan," I said more forcefully. "Please don't."

"Did you?"

"Please!"

He grabbed my shoulders and shook me. "Did you?"

"Yes! Is that what you want to hear? Yes." I burst into tears.

He moved away from me and drank more.

"Brendan." I took a deep breath. "Please. Please listen to me. I can't begin to tell you how I sorry I am. It was a mistake and I don't even know why I did it. I know that sounds terrible and dumb but I don't know how else to explain it. Please. You need to forgive me."

"I know things weren't great between us. I knew we weren't having sex. We even talked about it. Do you remember?"

I sniffled and leaned against the wall. "I do."

"Just wait for me until I'm done with school. That's all I asked. Just wait. Be patient." He snickered. "What a fucking fool I was."

"Please, Brendan, please—"

He spun around and threw his glass against the wall. Thousands of shards of glass rained down onto the floor. "Stop saying please! Just stop. There is nothing you can say or do to make this better."

Brendan looked up at me a few minutes later. His eyes were red and his face was unforgiving. "Why? Why, Laura?"

"I don't know. I don't have an answer. Not a good one."

He sniffed and shook his head. "Well, now you have a stalker and it seems I have one, too. So I think it's in our best interest to call the police."

"They already know. They said there's nothing they can do until he does something else." I couldn't breathe. The uneven sobs erupting from my chest and the misery I found myself in made it difficult to take in breaths.

He grabbed another glass from the cupboard and cast me one last disgusted look. "I hope the fuck was worth it, Laura. It seems like we'll both be paying for it for a long time."

He went into the living room and I followed. He drank even more scotch and was officially wasted.

"Let's get you to bed," I said softly.

He snorted. "No, thanks. I'd rather be skinned alive by your loser lover than lie in a bed with you."

I blushed and tried to stop crying. "I'll sleep on the couch."

"You'll sleep at your mom's." Brendan reached for my keys and threw them at me. "You'll sleep there and you won't come back here. If I'm going to be murdered in my sleep by the fucking freak you've invited into our marriage, I want to die without you anywhere near me."

"I'm begging you," I forced out.

He shook his head and glared at me. "Yeah, I heard you're fond of begging. I don't care. I want you out of my house."

"Brendan—"

"You did this. You." He rubbed at his eyes angrily. Brendan never cried. Never. His blue eyes pierced my own. "I loved you, Laura. So much. I've loved you for years. I would have loved you forever."

I wrapped my arms around myself so that I wouldn't throw myself at his feet. "I am so sorry."

He shook his head. "Too late. Just too late." He nodded at my keys on the floor. "Just go."

I waited for a minute. This couldn't be happening. In a minute, Brendan would scream and curse me out, but he would tell me he would try to forgive me. He would understand that it had been a stupid, destructive decision made by me in a weak moment. He wouldn't look at me like he used to, and he wouldn't tell me that he loved me, but he would try to work through it. He could call me all the names he wanted and throw things around. He could even hit me. I would prefer that to the cold fury and hatred in his eyes.

But he didn't move and he didn't speak. He just watched me with contempt, impatiently waiting for me to get the fuck out.

Completely ashamed, I knelt down and reached for the keys. Before I walked through the door, I said, "I love you, Brendan, and I'm going to fight for you."

Brendan was silent. I knew I wouldn't be able to reach him, at least not tonight. I walked out into the freezing night with a bleeding heart and a broken soul.

**********************************************

Erin stood outside her apartment building waiting for me. She was huddled up in a winter coat and puffing on a cigarette. She looked me up and down when I finally stood in front of her.

"You look like shit." She threw her cigarette down and crunched it with her boot. "Seriously. Mascara all over the place, face all pale. What's going on?"

That was why Erin was my friend: she wasn't afraid to be totally honest.

"I'll tell you inside."

We went into her apartment and I told her everything. I purged my soul, telling her everything I did and every emotion I felt.

When it was done, I leaned back against her couch and waited for her to tell me what a despicable person I was.

Instead, she stood and poured us two glasses of wine. Only when I accepted my glass and took a sip did she speak.

"Well, you did a stupid thing, huh?"

"Yes."

Erin swirled her wine glass around and hummed contemplatively. "Do you think he'll come back? Zach?"

I sighed. "I honestly don't know. Probably."

"Hmm. So obviously everything wasn't perfect in your marriage. I was beginning to wonder."

"No. I don't know why I did it. I wish I did." I massaged my head with my hands. "I understand if you don't want me to stay here. Not only is it dangerous, but I'm a disgusting human being."

"I have to be honest. I never would have imagined you would get yourself into this kind of situation." She bumped her shoulder against mine. "You can stay here however long you need to until you get your shit sorted out. I'm not afraid of Zach, either. I have a gun."

I sat up with surprise. "But you have to think I'm pretty gross, right?"

"Look, it's not my job to judge you. You're my friend. Do I disapprove with what you did? Yeah. Do I think you're a giant asshole to have done that to someone like Brendan? Yeah. But you're still my friend. We'll get through it."

"I don't deserve a friend like you."

She rolled her eyes and smiled. "No one does, dear. And it's not about what you deserve."

"I'm terrified," I whispered. "Brendan will never forgive me. Zach will probably murder me, and I'm not even kidding. I have no idea what he wants from me."

"He is disturbed, no doubt. You need to be careful." Erin shook her head and took a sip from her glass. "You learned nothing from Michael Douglas, huh? Didn't you ever see Fatal Attraction?"

"I can't laugh about this yet."

"I'm not trying to make you laugh," she replied. "I'm being entirely serious. The boiling bunny didn't do it for you?"

I ignored her, but part of me did have to wonder why I had let myself do the one thing I swore I'd never do in my marriage. Zach—it was so weird calling him by name—was handsome, but nothing out of the ordinary. He wasn't especially brilliant or talented at something. We hadn't talked for very long before I made up my mind about what I was going to do.

What did that say about me?

"Good night," I murmured.

I didn't sleep that night, haunted by the questions I asked myself which I couldn't answer and the frightening thought that he was out there somewhere... ready to make me pay.

**********************************************

A week passed. Then a month. I had arranged to go back home a handful of times to get clothes and other necessities, but Brendan was never there. I told myself it was better that he wasn't around, that I didn't know what to say and that space was best.

We missed Christmas together. And New Year's. He left a drunk voicemail on my phone about how he hated me and never wanted to see me again. I was getting what I deserved, he said.

I couldn't argue with that.

One snowy afternoon I confessed to my mom. I had to explain why Brendan wasn't around, but it killed me to do it. She watched me with wide, disbelieving eyes as I told her about Zach and the mess of my marriage.

When I was finished, she looked like I had told her I had murdered someone. She might have preferred that.

"Laura." She lifted her hands to her face and shook her head. "I am shocked. Of all the things I thought you were going to tell me, that was not even a possibility."

"I'm sorry, Mom. I'm sure you must be so disappointed."

"Disappointed doesn't even begin to explain it. I'm devastated." She stood and began to pace. "And you said the man is very dangerous?"

"Yes." I hugged myself. "I need Brendan to forgive me. I need him to take me back. I made a horrible mistake."

"Laura, you just worry about being able to forgive yourself. That's the hard part." Mom shook her head. "And don't tell your father what happened. Just say you're having trouble."

"But what if—"

"You haven't heard from this man since it happened?"

"No." I wasn't sure what had happened, or what his deal was. I hoped he'd been hit by a bus or something.

"That's something, then. Just make sure you're staying vigilant."

Then she studied me. I wondered what she saw. I was her child, her eldest daughter, and I had always made her proud. I did everything and anything she asked me do. I had always been driven and focused, and I had always worked hard to achieve my goals. I had laid with her in bed during the nights she wept inconsolably after Dad left. I'd listened to her problems and had supported her when Dad moved home.

If there was anyone who truly saw and understood what Mom went through, it was me.

I was sure she was wondering how I could turn around and do something so horrible to another person, especially when I had intimate knowledge about what the fallout was like. It must've been a stab to the heart.

If Mom was disgusted by me, she didn't say so. She merely said goodnight and then goodbye when I left to stay with Erin a few days later.

**********************************************

It was a Friday and my students were wild. No one was listening and even I was tired of hearing my voice.

Erin texted me that she bought a few bottles of wine and we were going to have a night of relaxation. I appreciated her friendship more than I could express. It was beginning to get around that Brendan and I had separated and I cringed beneath the suspicious looks and judgmental comments whispered far too loudly. Any and all support I had those days was cherished.

The last bell of the day went off and the students ran out of my class. I sighed and felt so weak and tired. For a second I deliberated texting Brendan something about how I was thinking of him and I still loved him. That I hoped he still loved me. I decided it was too selfish and I put my phone away.

Snow fell as I walked to my car. Many of the teachers had already disappeared and the lot was mostly empty.

Maybe it was because there weren't many people around. Maybe it was because something inside of me picked up on the danger. The frightening sensation of being watched prickled down my spine. I looked up and saw Zach across the parking lot, leaning against a black car. He lifted an arm and waved.

The terror inside of me surprisingly became something hot and furious. How fucking dare he. I sprinted across the lot. He turned around and smoothly got inside of his car, his tires squealing as he sped away.

"Damn it!" I screamed.

A tendril of dread snaked up my spine. What if he was driving back to my house to hurt Brendan? What if he already had?

I drove home as fast as I could. Brendan's car was parked perfectly in the driveway. I rushed into the house, calling his name.

Brendan came out of the kitchen wearing a confused expression. "What's going on?"

I didn't care that he was mad at me or that he very likely hated me now. I ran over and hugged him hard.

"Laura. What's going on?" he repeated.

"He was at school," I said, my voice muffled against his chest. "I was afraid he hurt you."

His arms reluctantly came around me. "No. He didn't."

I realized I was crying. I didn't want to let him go but I knew I had to. Still, he hadn't ordered me off of him in disgust. We remained in each other's arms. "I'm sorry."

Brendan's sigh ruffled my hair. "I know."

"Can you forgive me?"

He attempted to move my head back so that he could see me, but I was terrified that it would break the quiet spell between us. "Look at me."

I leaned my head back, still holding him. "Can you?"

He braced my head in his hands, his thumbs sliding against my cheeks. "I don't know," he said softly.

"I don't want to let you go. I should have talked to you. I never should have let it get to this point." I took a deep, calming breath. "Please let me come back to you. I know that it will never be the same. I know you might not be able to trust me again for a long time. I'm only asking for a chance."

"I can't promise you anything," Brendan said. "I can't even look at you without hurting."

"I know. I can't imagine how you feel."

He grabbed my left hand and ran his finger over my wedding ring. "For better or for worse, huh?"

"That's what they say."

"That's what we said," he murmured. He stepped away from me and ran his hands through his hair. He looked exhausted, I realized. His normally smooth blonde hair was all over the place, and his blue eyes had dark circles beneath them.

He finally looked back at me and exhaled slowly. "I guess everyone deserves a second chance. Even you. It's never gong to be the same, you know that right? And if you ever, ever do something like this to me again, I'll cut you out of my life for good. And I can't promise that we'll be okay, even if you come back. Do you understand?"

Cautious hope bloomed in my chest. "I do."

"You need to earn back my trust. It's going to take a long time."

"I know."

I moved back in that night. Brendan slept in the spare bedroom we had. We didn't speak for the next few days. We went to work and lived in the house like roommates rather than husband and wife, but I couldn't complain. This was better than staying at Erin's and feeling certain my marriage was over. There was still hope that eventually we would make our way back towards each other.

Then I had a nightmare one night. I dreamt Zach was in the house leaning against my bedroom door, watching me. It wasn't the first time I felt his eyes on me. He held a knife that glinted in the moonlight and he said such awful things about what he was going to do to us.

I woke covered in sweat and screaming my lungs off. Brendan ran into the bedroom holding a bat and turned on the light.

"What is it? What's the matter?"

"I dreamed... Oh, God, I dreamed...."

He sat on the end of our bed and cautiously touched my shoulder. "Tell me."

So I did. He watched me with a grim expression, his hold on my arm tightening as I detailed the ways my dream version of Zach threatened us.

"He's not going to bother you any more," Brendan said, but he didn't look like he believed it. "I'll kill him before I let him do anything to you."

"Brendan," I sobbed. "I'm so sorry."

"Stop apologizing. I know you're sorry; it doesn't make it any better if you repeat it until you're blue in the face." He shook me a little. "I still love you and I feel like a total fucking fool because of it. It hurts to even look at you, do you know that?"

"Yes," I whispered. "I know what it did to my mother."

"Your father didn't love your mother anymore. Don't you still love me?"

"Of course I do!"

"Then this is different, because for the life of me I can't understand how someone who has professed to love me could hurt me like this. And there is no way, no possible way, your mom loved your dad the way I love you." He tilted his head and smiled sadly. "I love you too much. I can't help it."

I moved closer to him and rested my forehead against his. "I want to feel worthy of that love some day. I'll try to make it up to you until the day I die."

He leaned back and rubbed his face. "I know." He stood and turned the light off. "Try to get some sleep."

**********************************************

Brendan was waiting in the kitchen when I came downstairs the next morning. He drank coffee at the table and watched me pour my own. I was nervous as he openly regarded me.

"I was thinking we should go out for lunch today," he said. "I don't have to go into work."

A shy smile spread across my face. "Really?"

"Really. We can go to that Thai place you love so much."

I sat across the table from him, too afraid to look at him. "That sounds great."

He reached over and took my hand.

That was how the road to our reconciliation went. One of us would reach out and offer a tiny little piece of ourselves. It wasn't easy, but I never thought it would be.

Some days were better than others as we fell back into familiar patterns. He would joke with me. One afternoon, he kissed me. There was something exciting about dating again and familiarizing ourselves with each other after spending so much time apart. We hadn't had sex yet, but unlike the dry months that had caused me to become desperate, now we waited with a sort of breathless anticipation. It was exciting and teasing.

Then we attended Abigail's wedding. We posed for photos and answered nosy questions. The event brought us closer, and we shared private, secret smiles throughout the night. That night, Brendan referred to me as his "wife" to someone. It sounds silly, but I couldn't wipe the grin of satisfaction off my face for the rest of the evening.

Then one afternoon, Brendan thought he saw Zach following him in his car. He'd called the police, but he hadn't been able to catch the license plate. They couldn't do anything for us. It seemed hopeless. I was worried that thinking about him would cause him to appear, so I tried to distract myself as much as possible.

We didn't hear from him after that. We wondered if maybe he saw us happily back together and decided to give his unwanted attention to another woman.

And then we made the worst mistake of our lives. We became comfortable. I was cautiously optimistic that Zach was out of our lives.

And, as with many things, I was dead wrong.

**********************************************

It had been eight months since my affair. It was a Friday and it was our wedding anniversary. Brendan had made reservations at the nicest restaurant around and I couldn't wait. It didn't feel like an anniversary; it felt like a renewal.

We still hadn't had sex yet and I was hoping we would soon. It felt like a necessary way to continue mending things. Based off of the dark and intense looks he gave me as we navigated around each other at home, I didn't think neither of us would be waiting for long. We still wanted each other. I was still in awe of how he could do the smallest thing and still make it sexy. I'd never stopped wanting him; that had never been the problem.

I stopped by Abigail's for lunch. I smiled as I saw her bicker with her new husband, Alex. Alex looked tremendously confused but nodded at Abigail's demands. I gathered that he had forgotten a few vital items from the supermarket. Eventually he took the car keys and ran off.

Then Abigail turned to me with an amused expression. "You and Mom did warn me, huh?"

I cracked up. It felt so good to laugh. "You guys are perfect for each other."