Splashdown Ch. 10

"For tonight Gary, I want to celebrate. I'd love to dance vertically then horizontally, but I didn't think you'd go for either, so I ordered in Chinese." She gave me a wry smile with a tilt of her head before adding, "I knew you wouldn't want any good Russian food, so I picked another communist country as you seem to be having them for lunch lately."

"Kathy, I don't want any Russian food, because there isn't any good Russian food. And China didn't go communist until '49. I think they already had the recipes by then."

"Are you always right?" The smile on Kathy's face simply wouldn't dissipate, I thought we might have to restudy theories on entropy.

I joked back, "Always, no. Only once I make a decision. I'm sorry I haven't gotten there yet, Kath."

"But you have, just not the final one. You're making me respect you even more. You're doing right by everyone as best you can, except maybe me and you. I'm taking my lead from you right now. You have a partner in this all the way 'till the end. Got it?"

I looked at her. I marveled. "Yeah, Kath. I get it." I got it big time!

* * * * *

Months went by and I was very nearly back to myself. I'm pretty good at putting patterns together and I could see where I'd made a large miscalculation. I'd thought that Peggy and I would reconcile if I was going to find myself again, the two seemed to go hand in hand. But here I was practical and capable again, yet still frustrated and with every reason to be. I'd made progress with a recovery. In large Peggy had not.

Peggy hadn't grown back to her former self and God help me I didn't see her investing the energy to do so. This was not a case of her desperately trying to find a way back and still not having found it, I didn't think she was trying.

We'd forged a relationship where we were pretty good friends, but not like before. We rooted for each other, we shared to a degree, and enjoyed each other's company. But we weren't what we were before, we were close but only so close, we were intimate but not as intimately so. Let me try to explain.

Peggy was happy to sleep with me, really happy in fact. She was happy to screw my lights out or be my bitch, she almost seemed more at ease in the latter. She loved it when I made love to her, but I didn't feel like she made love back. She was fond of me, she tried to be passionate. It was an amazing reversal. She could be sensationally sexual with me, especially if playing a role. She was considerate of my needs - to a point. We were performing on each other, often with spectacular results. We weren't joining though. We were two people that lived together and rooted for each other and cared about each other, but we were two people not one. The ultimate bond we once shared was still severed. And I didn't feel that Peggy wanted it restored.

I need to keep the discussion on sex alone for a moment because it's easier to explain sex than love. We went to bed, but we didn't spontaneously roll and meld into one as we used to. We didn't immerse ourselves in a pool of shared passion and become that pool. Instead, we were two separate people skinny dipping. Peggy was happier when I pushed her to ultimate places. But she was there alone in the place I sent her: we weren't there together. She tried her best to please me, just not to join with me. She performed acts to please me and I reciprocated. We weren't of one mind, flesh, and spirit. I'd tried for months with no further progress: our restoration had plateaued.

I'd just explained that same thing to Kath for the umpteenth time.

Kathy looked sympathetic while frustrated herself. She came and knelt at my feet. She was clearly sending a message and wanted to make sure I knew she was not making an ultimatum.

She spoke quietly, "Gary, I said I'd be happy to wait as long as you were trying, and we were seeing progress." She let her eyes connect with mine, I felt their message. This was a lesson not an attack. It was time for me to understand something and it might be uncomfortable. It was one of those unfortunate things that you counted on friends to do for you, if they were true enough to invoke your wrath.

"You progressed. I am amazed at what you've done. But as a couple you haven't budged and it's not because of you. You've just finished telling me the same report that you've recited over and over for a quarter year. That's too long Gary. That's a pattern of failure ... or resistance.

"Gary, I'm not trying to press you except to make you see that this is no good for you either. There's another side to the coin. Forgive me, I'm not making demands of you, I'm re-stating for the record exactly what I said I would do.

"Gary, I'm no longer contented to wait. That doesn't mean I'm no longer waiting, rather that I'm no longer content doing it. Something needs to change, Gary. You're trying and Peggy isn't, it's not surprising there is no progress. There had to be both for me to be content to wait. I am only happy to wait, if you are growing happier while I do so.

"You're a man of talent and resource and you've not been able to make Peggy move. You now need to assign a timeline, frankly a time limit. This process cannot, and should not, be open ended. While you've been magnificent, I hate to think of the time we've wasted where we could've been together and happy. I've listened to the same song for months. I need a different tune now, and so do you. And so does Peggy!

"I'm sorry for this next part Gary, I don't mean to wound, just to knock you out of what has become the norm, because the norm is fetid."

She curled her upper lip in towards her teeth. She was about to take a big risk with her best friend by being the best friend she could. Her brow knit; I saw she was warring with competing emotions. It's funny how you can bond with some folks. I could see she was frightened of hurting our relationship, of maybe losing me, and definitely of hurting me. Then again, she'd just stated she thought I was beginning to drown in the pool of pain again. She was going to try to protect me but may hurt me in the process. Greater than her own fears, she couldn't let me suffer that way.

Yeah, a good friend! I loved the chemistry that let me see it all so plainly. I knew that Kathy may wound me, but also that she would not lose her best friend status. Hell, she was about to cement it.

Her brows knit in conflict, she clearly hated what she was about to say and the effect it may have on me.

"Have you just been stringing me on, Gary? Misleading me on purpose?"

I looked down horrified.

"Didn't you really mean the things you said to me, what you promised me?"

"Yes, of course. I'm at wits end a bit, Kath. I've tried all I know at this point. Anything now will be repetitive. That works for advertising, maybe it will work for Peg."

"Do you believe that? I don't think you've believed that for months. Do you know how long she's been back on earth, Gary? She should have been all over you as soon as she saw you. She shouldn't have taken no for an answer. She should've been desperate for your forgiveness but even more for you! It's been ten months, Gary. Peggy gave you ten months of hell. In return you've given her ten months of understanding and love. Gary, forgive me: has Peggy truly given you any of herself in those twenty months?"

Reaching for a chair I sat back destroyed. The symmetry of time, with no sign of true resurgence or recurrence. Just tired accursed entropy, the energy between us growing less and less and colder and colder. Peg would throw her body at me and pay some penance, then be upset because she derived so much pleasure from it. There was never a way to win. She always set it up where we pulled stalemate from the closing jaws of victory.

With my eyes shut, floating in a darkness devoid of love and meaning, I quietly admitted, "I do have a plan."

Kathy quickly realized she had weathered the worst of the storm. She looked at me with pride in her eyes. Apparently, I'd passed some sort of test.

"I thought you might." She looked at me suppressing a smile she thought inappropriate as she stood, then sat beside me.

My expression had to be forlorn, "Kath, it's the endgame plan. It's the last gambit. And I'm not sure it applies to where Peg and I are presently. If Peg and I were to make it together: great. If we didn't, fine. I just didn't want her to go on without me still not understanding what caused it all."

"Would your endgame plan help do that?"

"Yes, it could help her be truly happy in life, but it's shocking. It's not what you should expect from a loved one."

Kathy sighed. She said softly but firmly, "Gary, your two-year norm is horrendous and must die. This is no way for any of us to live. Peg is sick to want this life. Worse, you seem to be falling into it too. You can't accept this!"

"But Kath, if I do this and Peg doesn't get it what then? It will be cruelty without balance. She will understand falsehoods, taking them as the truth. And what of my vows? I mean "for better or worse": I'm redefining that relationship. If she doesn't get it, do I continue to stay with her? In that circumstance if I don't, am I breaking "for better or worse"?

"Gary, we can't stay here, not even Peg. This situation must change so if you have a plan take your best shot. From the term endgame I'll take it that staying pat is not going to be much of an option afterwards."

"If it goes wrong it wouldn't be a case of better or worse, Kath, there would be nothing but worse."

Kathy sat staring into my eyes, "I just took a serious chance on you because I trust you. I just risked our entire relationship by being harsh to you to put the stakes in stark relief showing that we can't stay here. You got the message: you proved my faith in you.

"Gary, I know there are problems with Peggy. I know you have faith in her, I know you trust her or you would've seen that there was no relationship and that the vows were one sided, which is sort of where you are by level of commitment if not commitment itself. You can't have a one-sided contract that means anything. It self-nulls.

"Gary, be honest with yourself. You're just avoiding the obvious because you're a good man, and you love Peggy. I know that love has taken a hit, I know it's faded. I know you don't love her like you did because love must be nourished. You've been pouring it out all one way. Peg has NOT nourished your love and it has waned. Even now you love her more than she loves you. In horrible reality the trust you have in her is trusting her to be faithful to what she loves most. I'm sorry, Gary, you trust her to keep loving ... what she loves more than you."

I nodded. I still needed Kathy to understand. I think my fractured expression did the job better than my words, "It's just that I would like something other than this plan. I mean, I don't want shock just for shock's sake, but I don't seem to know how to get through to her. My plan will do it, but if it goes wrong it has some scorched earth elements that are completely unintended."

With a sad face, though as caring as I have ever seen Kathy uttered, "Gary, do you trust me?"

"Totally," this time I let my eyes communicate with hers.

She took my face in her hands and softly but determinedly spoke, "Then it's within my power to shake things up. It doesn't have to be a death ray, although I can stir the pot but good. Better yet, it won't necessarily reflect on you. I know you take responsibility for your actions, but it's no fun hurting the ones we love. So, I can give you some cover. Make no mistake: I will get through to her."

"How will you do that?"

"Simple. I'm going to make a phone call."

"And do what, Kath?"

"Tell Peggy that I love her husband. And if she won't take you to be her man completely, that I intend to fight her for you."

"Oh shit. That would do it."

"Yes Gary, I'm in over my head. I've been holding my breath for so long I'm suffocating. I promised you I was in until the end of the line. I am, but now the continued waiting serves no purpose. This is hurting YOU now, and I can't stand that! It's beginning to hurt you like it did before. It's getting worse. You must not stay in the relationship as it is. What do you want me to do, Gary?"

"I'll make you a deal Kath. You trust me and I'll trust you. Give me a week and I can bring this to a boil and a conclusion. And to prove that's not a week that will become two weeks, then four months, then ten ..." I smiled warmly at her and then focused my eyes indicating this was important, "I want you to make that call."

Kathy's eyes flared and a grin wrapped itself across her face, then suddenly it was gone replaced by massive worry and consideration for me.

"Really Gary? If this an endgame for the process we have been engaged in, that could be an advantage for me." She paused, her eyebrows knit a quilt comprised of conflicting need and desire to protect. "I need to say that because I lov ... because you are my best friend. I can't have you ever think I manipulated you for my own ends. I beg you to take that in mind as I ask you once more to consider if you really want me to make that call. Gary, I want you to have what YOU want, even if it breaks my heart."

Kathy looked like she was ready to throw up.

"Kathy, listen to me. I want you to make that call." She looked up in awe that I was really going to go through with this. "Afterwards I'll tell you what I truly want from this whole mess for Peggy and my marriage. And just like before I'll forecast everything that will happen over the next week. And then my dearest friend Kathy, I will tell you what I want most of all."

"Oh God Gary, now that's it's going to play out and I'm going to win or lose, I'm scared. I'm absolutely petrified of what's going to happen to the three of us."

I smiled, "Kathy, all respects to your considerable intellect, that gritty yet humane grasp on reality is why you are the smartest person I know."

* * * * *

I had just walked in the house; Peggy started our conversation in a most unusual way. She looked like someone had been chasing her with a knife.

"Oh God Gary, Kathy wants you, wants you for keeps, wants you forever!" Peggy's lips trembled; she pulled little balled fists to her mouth as she fought for composure. When she found it, she stared disdainfully at her hands in a gesture mimicking John Wilkes Boothe's. Peggy looked up at me with an expression of shared commiseration. I had to get to the bottom of that.

Peggy started, "I'm pretty well built. I'm rounder, more voluptuous, but Kathy's pretty, she's beautiful. She's so much more lovely than me. I've short little hands and Kathy has pretty hands with long graceful fingers. She even has pretty feet! Gary, what sort of a chance do I have against someone who is so gorgeous they have pretty feet?"

"All the chance you need, all the chance you want! Peg, I'm standing right here with my arms wide open. I have been. I've not done one thing to punish you for any slight, real or perceived. I've always wanted the best for you, that hasn't changed. I believe I'm your best possible mate. If you disagree just tell me and I'll try to change. All you have to do is open your heart and accept me back in." My eyes narrowed, "I just need to be there fully. Stop working yourself up, be calm, and see if you don't still feel me there. We don't need all this Sturm and Drang."

Peggy didn't address that she hadn't let me fully into her heart.

"No, I won't calm down, Gary. This is all on me. Even sending you to Kathy and asking her to take special interest in you. Then leaving you alone with her for pretty much a year. I cost you your wife, your job, your sex life, and hell I bet your favorite teams started losing too. If we had a dog you loved, I would've accidentally run it over."

"Peggy..."

"Damn it Gary, she's fit and pretty. She looks great in a gown. I don't even want to think about her in a bikini. I don't have to; I've seen her in one: she's Aphrodite! Do you know how good you made me feel at those parties when she talked to you, and you still only had eyes for me?

"I always liked bikinis because they showed off my waist and my ass, my boobs too, though I'm not bodacious. Bikinis took the attention away from my hands and feet. Looking hot in a bikini was as close to looking pretty a girl like me can get. Kathy's got me beat every which way physically."

"Baby, she doesn't have me. You captivated me. You're selling yourself short. By your introduction to your colleagues, I met Kathy not long after I met you, and she didn't take any interest in me then."

"Maybe she wasn't interested then. Besides you were mine, you were off the market, and she didn't want to create workplace strife. She's sure interested now. I don't have a gun to my head, it's a howitzer!"

Peggy looked up at me and sighed. She shook her head. I couldn't help but think that while she may have been sad, this was the sort of frank communication we used to have. She didn't know how precious this was to me.

"You underestimate your appeal to me. Don't sell yourself ..."

"Short?! Sell myself short? Are you kidding, Gary? Kathy's 5' 8", I'm 5' 4" and that's if I cheat a little on my tip toes. She's got a doctorate and three masters now. She could spend a year on one of the two other disciplines and pick up another doctorate in either. She's more accomplished. Let's say it: she's smarter than I am. She's prettier and ... and damn it, she's true, she's unsullied!

"And Gary, if you hadn't saved me from my rightful fate, I was a month away from being the world's poster child for adultery. When the world found out the details of my actions along with everything else I did to you, I would've been listed as the world's top shrew to boot! Maybe the world doesn't know what I did, but you do: the one man that counts. You know because you were there, you lived it, and you felt it! It happened to you because of me; because you loved me!"

Peggy hadn't said I felt it more intensely because I loved her, she said it all happened because I loved her.

I rubbed my chin, "Listen baby, I don't want to accuse you of being melodramatic when our entire lives have been nothing but for almost two years now, but we need to calmly set and follow our path back to each other."

I could see the words stung Peggy. I'd no intention of doing so. The sad reality was we had suddenly led very different lives. My life was topsy turvy the entire time. My job was basically gone from the start, so I had nothing to do but concentrate on what was wrong and different.

My wife, however, was happily immersed in those differences, studying her science and making ready for life in zero G. She lost herself in those studies and she loved them. She was drugged out of her sex drive so missing it didn't bother her. As her emotions seemed dulled too, she didn't have many corresponding worries. They only bubbled up in turmoil during the less than ten percent of her time when she had to deal with me.

The greatest contrast was while she was on the ISS. That was nothing but pure joy and fascination for her until her experiment ran its course, which was about the same time she started feeling her urges and emotions returning. That's the first time the shit-hitting-the-fan factor seemed to bother her since the very first week she took the injectables.

She loved what her life had become, with the exception of me. Three quarters of her time on the space station was wonderful because I was not there and all the worry and strife that went along with me was removed. My almost two years of misery was countered by her ten months of pain, with her sentence commuted less than halfway through by my settlement with NASA.

"Damn it, Gary, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you met the two of us years ago before I threw up on our marriage you would have picked Kathy and never looked back. You wouldn't even remember my name.