Star Studded Pt. 02

Gwen watched her husband. He was just still, unnaturally so. She knew he was stewing inside that rigid body.

"Pleeease Lee! Please don't stop loving me, you're my everything!" Gwen felt herself collapsing under the weight of her past. She felt Lee's supporting arms surround her and simply melted.

Gwen went cold. There was something wrong, he was holding back. Lee had always been unreservedly "all in" on her. She gulped thinking, 'I haven't exactly been "all in" on him. Lee believes I've held out on him the entire time I've known him, because that's how long I've held the secret.' She let her head fall forward, her face resting against his chest.

'He needs to know it all, and I'm the only person that can tell him. As long as I don't, part of my heart is hidden from him, and he can't tell if there's anyone in that part with me. I have the power to open that part to him. I can tell him, but will I lose him if I do?'

'Lee's been all in. He's put everything on the line for me, given all of himself. If he loses me, he loses himself too. I hid away part of my heart to protect myself, not to hurt him. Damn me, I didn't even realize I did so. I started it before I met Lee. Lee's love is all or nothing. What does that say about mine?'

Gwen ground her teeth fixing her vision on something that didn't exist in this world.

"Baby ... lover, may I give you a long answer? Because there's not a simple cut and dried answer to this."

Lee studied her, evaluating, he was fishing, pushing for something. Gwen thought, 'He hopes I'm going to give him what he wants, but I don't know if I can.' Still, he was giving his consent.

Gwen pulled back looking Lee right in the eye, "Part of what made me grow up and decide what's important, what I stand for, and what I'm willing to die for, was the fallout from my ... misadventure.

"Although I've been burned by it, I understand that we as a species react to beauty, and often not for the better. Both genders have to learn how to react to beauty and how to survive proximity to great beauty. I learned my lesson well, but baby, I had to learn it. And I paid a terrible price for the knowledge.

"I don't get turned on by just a pretty face now; I need more. You're handsome, I love your looks. Only your looks - no one else's - melt my panties, and you DO! Isn't that a good thing, a wonderful thing for you? I mean especially if you love me. Then again, you'd not be in such disarray right now if you didn't. I-I wish my fling, or whatever it should be called, had just been with a handsome guy and not an Oscar winner who made large hit movies, and makes millions of dollars."

Lee's eyes popped open. Gwen didn't look away. Instead, she made eye contact and nodded; he needed to understand why she held this back from him.

"Lee, you're wrestling not only with my past, but with his image. An image that hundreds of people have spent unreasonable hours developing, an image painstakingly thought out and tested in front of focus groups. His image is really another part for him to play. No real person has that sort of development work put in before anyone actually meets them. It's like wrestling with a myth, what mortal can do it? Except you don't have to baby!

"When it was over, I never longed for, or even missed, him. I don't sigh when I see him on a magazine cover. I think of how lucky I was to find you, I swear it! My time after him, brought all that I want life to be into plain relief. He was never part of ANY of those equations. The attributes you're made of, sure are though.

"Lee, in your mind you're fighting that he's wealthy, that he has a winning persona, one that you know and like too, and that the whole world feels like they know him and he's a great guy." Gwen let out a long sigh, "And that in a comparison the whole world would choose him over you. That's the point; they would choose him over any of us. Lee, they think they know him and don't. But they don't know you at all, how could they choose you? That's not a failing of yours, or anyone's, it's what the publicity machine set out to do for him."

Lee wasn't sure if he understood Gwen's point anymore, or if she thought she was making him feel better. He didn't feel better. Then as if reading his mind, she connected the dots for him.

"Oh Lee, you can think this through, piling advantage after advantage onto him. At first light it'll seem like you can never win. I know because I had to fight that same damn thing, and I never won!

"Already you feel you have to fight that whole package, the whole ball of wax that appears to be him. You don't, not for me! He's over, dead and buried for me. I've always been here for you - entirely! I was never there for him like that.

"Don't you see? You fought him already. You fought him before you knew it, before you knew there was a "him". You won completely. You won with scorched earth! The prize wasn't beating him at his own game. The prize isn't being more "him" than that fake image of him. Dammit Lee, he can't live up to that image either.

"The prize for you, I hope, is me. And you slaughtered him! I actively don't want him. I desperately want you; I'm an addict for you! Listen to me now. There is ... no ... fucking ... comparison!"

Gwen's arms shot forward, taking his face into both of her hands, pouring herself into his eyes, "Please Lee, make love to me." She pulled his hand to her crotch, she was sopping. She saw his hesitation.

"Listen and listen well, you NEED to hear this, it's terrible but I know what you're thinking, and I need to set you free from your misapprehensions. You feel how wet I am? That's for you, not him! And never was for him. Did I get gushy wet for him? Yes. I was a young girl and he was a movie star. He made me cum, but you've topped him lots of times. Did I ever cum hard for him? Yes, I screamed. To that point in my young life, it was the best I'd had, all powered by a schoolgirl's fantasy. But it's NOTHING like when powered by love. I swear!

"Dammit Lee: Romantic, slow, fast, pounding, and dirty too, you name the category; you own every one of my top five lists. Wait, that doesn't mean he's lurking at number six. Pull a number out of thin air for me, you own it." Gwen got quiet. "You own my heart Lee, my pussy trails along after it ... never the other way around. You must know that about me by now. I'm an "all-in" girl. I learned that lesson by not being one once. I've never been as all-in on anything in my life as I'm all-in on you."

"Remember that night on the couch in your apartment? I-I fell apart! I was crying afterwards and you were so worried about me. Then you realized they were good tears and you took me again. I-I was a puddle; I was incoherent. I knew then I loved you. That second time was the first time I made love knowing I was IN love, and I just floated away with it. You wrecked me. That was ten times greater than anything I'd felt before!

"Lee, he made my body respond aided by girlish fantasy. You have too. But you've turned me inside out, you put my mind in a blender, you wrap my heart around it, and you stir my soul; those are all parts he never touched, could never touch, and was unable to touch. You won them all!"

Gwen sat back on her feet into a kneeling position, exasperated with the situation. Thinking something through she suddenly pointed at the door. Her voice raised with exasperation and excitement.

"If he came in her right now with me like I am now, sopping, revved up and ready to run, I'd throw him out - even if you weren't here and you could never ever possibly find out. I want you, YOU and ONLY YOU!

"That I have what I want most makes me joyous! I'd trade every memory of him for a single night with you. I know other girls may not make the same decision, don't ever judge me by them. I've actually walked in the shoes they imagine donning. Those girls that haven't, still view it as a fantasy, they're floating on a cloud wondering what it might be like. I've been there, they need to listen to me, never settle on a man you don't love, even a fantasy man. If you love them, you'll have no doubt, but if you don't, uncertainty will be part of your life, and it will spread.

"Baby, let me try to convey this; there are guys who are as good looking as he was then. None will get me into their bed. For me to be with someone strictly because of their looks the situation was as ideal as it gets, and it still left a bad taste in my mouth," Gwen cringed fearing she'd painted him another bad mental picture.

"Forgive me if I overstep, but this is important. Lee, imagine the hottest actress you can think of. She'd look different in person, which waters down the fantasy a bit. But imagine she looked exactly as hot and beautiful as on the screen. She offers herself to you, not only that: she's in heat. She may be the sexiest thing you ever saw."

"You know what? I give you permission right now, you can have her, all you have to do is enjoy the hell out of her ... AND come back to me with your love for me intact. I'll give that to you right now, it would rip me in half, but right now I say you should do it. Damn it, I'm drifting from the point."

Gwen seemed ready to be sick.

"Although the circumstance is very different from my misadventure, the point is that you will come back to me. Love is THAT strong.

"Lee, I had no one after he and I parted ways, and it wasn't a difficult transition from him to no one again. That should tell you something about our lack of commitment and emotional spark.

"When others found out about my connection to him, I became only a source of connection to him. It was all encompassing, regular conversations ceased; they became interrogations about him. They didn't even care about my answers. That damn Hollywood image machine was what they wanted confirmed. If I gave a contradictory answer, it was often met with an angry, "you must be mistaken". I thought I'd never find love as no one cared about me any longer. I never would've gone with him if I'd known the aftereffects.

"I certainly would've kept it secret if I'd known what would happen. Later I moved to do just that." Gwen was quiet a moment deciding what to explain next. She found her topic, "There are some pictures of us out there, him and me at a couple of parties at his place, he had them every Friday and Saturday he was home. They were normal beach parties except there were maybe a hundred or a hundred and fifty people there and he had every sort of booze you could imagine and salads and subs in quantities large enough to feed the third world. There were drugs, but he didn't provide them. And he wasn't trying to impress anyone. Even though that sort of comes naturally for him, he wasn't trying, he wasn't turning on that skill that he most certainly possesses.

"He just had a great place and could provide the fuel and wanted people to enjoy themselves, so he made it possible. People did. He'd m ingle, he'd make jokes or conversation and enjoy the people and the time. And sometimes people took photos. He didn't take the photos or have them taken they were just spontaneous actions taken by others at the party. They weren't staged pieces, just pictures to help remember the good time they were having.

"I'm in some of those photos. In most where I appear, he has his arm around me. People find those pictures on the internet. That's what happened with the ladies, someone found a picture of me and the movie star. They dug deeper and there were more. There aren't a lot, but more than enough to know they aren't fakes and to confirm it's me. It's like a scarlet letter that I can't erase that destroys all it touches.

"To come back to the little picture I painted for you, you'd love your time with your smoking hot actress, but you'd come back to me because you love me. Maybe you'd have fond memories of your time with her, but you'd leave her all the same and not look back. My reaction was stronger. I didn't want my memories after I was treated like I told you. I wanted to throw my time with him away. I still do.

"He only did what I expected he would, in that regard he was actually a gentleman. He was fine, great even, as a guy treating a gal nice at a party. I wasn't made to feel a cheap, or like a slut or toy, but he never loved me either. We'd be together after the party, that normally wasn't much because the parties lasted a long time, and we were tired. The other non-party nights were more energetic. We go at it, then just hang out until we, well you know, did ... things ... again." Gwen forced down a strong urge to burst into tears again. She forced herself to go on.

"That's as good as that sort of thing will ever get. I never became the princess so there was no crash becoming Cinderella again.

"I regard you as nothing short of my own personal miracle. That's why I hid my past, it's the one thing I ever hid, or will ever hide, from you. It was to preserve us, to forestall this very situation. You're a titan to me and will never deserve the insecurity my past has brought you. I've never disrespected you. I'm more agog over you, respecting you more than any other man I've ever known, including my own father.

"Speaking of which, yes, if he had known about my opportunity beforehand, Dad might have told me; might, might, might, have told me because I was young and unattached that I should go for it just for the memories. But, Lee, my mother never would have! She was aghast to learn of my past. She's thanked her lucky stars that her daughter overcame the time she played the harlot, finding a real and true man who has her whole heart. Mom doesn't think my time with a movie star was neat: she thinks it a horror!

"I'd never thought of myself as a bimbo before, but I slept with a guy because he was handsome and famous. Did I hide my shame from you? YES! That sort of woman isn't worthy of you! I didn't know you then, but I was so disgusted with myself afterwards that I worked hard, harder than ever, to be a better version of myself. I was different by the time I met you.

"Lee, I never thought I was going to meet a man as wonderful as you. But I wanted to be worthy of a normal man. I had to change. I had to put up safeguards for my own self-respect. Many women would like to have that one wild irresponsible, casting-caution-to-the-wind, fling. I'd had mine, and it came with a heavy price tag. There was no way I was going to repeat what I saw as a titanic mistake!"

Lee couldn't help it; her words made his eyebrows shoot up.

"No, it was not DiCaprio, God dammit!" Gwen growled upset at the ridiculous situation, "Lee, there's one overwhelming difference. Even then there were a lot of things I was never going to do for him. However, I've rushed to do them for you! Even if I hurt afterwards, I bask in the warmth of having made you happy. That's a VERY different circumstance from what he enjoyed."

Gwen looked down; it was high time. Without looking back up she said, "I think it's time you got more answers. I'm not sure this is the right thing except what we're doing isn't working either. Lee, I can't bear seeing you like this. I'm absolutely sincere: I was trying to protect you, and us, Lee. I failed, forgive me."

Lee watched Gwen shake her head as she cried. Though she couldn't tell because of her blinding tears, Lee truly appreciated her sacrifice. Gwen was doing something she didn't want, precisely to help him. He felt an idea tear into his brain. 'I'm putting her through this hell for something that happened years before she met me.'

Gwen started her story, "I was on the beach back in California with my gal pals early in college. It was near the end of freshman year; it was gloriously warm. As a complete coincidence he and his entourage ended up on the same beach too. I'm not even sure how it happened but all of us, the whole group of girls, ended up going with his group back to his ocean place in Malibu."

Lee looked down; he didn't want to admit it, but what college girl wouldn't jump at this chance? Lee already knew Gwen ended up in his bed, so why did he see this story as a train wreck unfolding in slow motion? He felt he was losing her to the movie star. Why? All of this happened before Gwen ever met him. Lee just hated thinking of any man with another her. He was jealous pure and simple.

Gwen continued to lay out her story, "I was in a fog the whole time, Lee. Somehow he picked me at night's end, probably just because I could still stand, which is more than can be said for the gals I went with. I was too aflutter to drink; I would've thrown up.

"It just couldn't really be happening, you know? It couldn't really be him. I wasn't gaga for him specifically; I mean he wasn't my crush or idol or favorite star. He was a star, though. I'm sorry Lee, he was also a more mature man than I'd ever been with. I wasn't even twenty yet! I was in over my head on so many levels. He was a famous handsome guy. Okay, really handsome, I-I'm sorry Lee. And he came across as nice enough too, not a stuck-up prima donna.

"I'd only been, you know, with a couple guys; I didn't have a lot of experience. I was nervous that he'd been with a lot of girls, and immediately felt I didn't measure up. Feelings of inadequacy can be a powerful accelerant. Mix all of that with his celebrity and, even without make up, he was so..." she toned it down to spare Lee "... he was very handsome." She averted her face. She couldn't look at Lee, that had been an accidental cheap shot. How many times had she mentioned his looks? Each time it had to stab her husband. She cursed herself before speaking again.

"We were in a glass mansion overlooking the Pacific. It was all so overwhelming. Heck, given the same situation weird Al Yankovic would've lit my rocket.

"The whole thing was unreal. None of it was ordinary; it was like stepping out of reality into a fairytale. I'd thrown reality away. I was in a palatial Malibu ocean-house like you see in movies or magazines. I was casually talking to guys and gals who were in movies. The guy who brought us to his house was a serious A-lister. Nothing about it was real. This was an alternate universe where nothing had consequence as it was all a dream.

"Lee, forget marriage; he was never even going to date me. He didn't feel like that about me. He didn't know me. And, forgive me my love, he was having what he wanted from me already."

Lee winced.

"I'm so sorry! I hadn't met you yet. Don't you think that if I'd known you were in my future that I never would've jeopardized it, by doing this? I never would've left the beach with his group!

"Later ... when he stopped calling, I never pined away. I was just sort of, wow, how did I end up with memories like that? I never had the desire some women do, to risk everything for some crazy fling. I sort of melted with him. His looks and persona were what had me. I was that shallow. I was definitely that young.

"So Lee, here it all is. Oh God I pray you still love me after knowing this." She bent her head baring her neck, partly to not have to face him and partly making herself an offering to Lee: she was at his mercy, she was his to keep or destroy. The last thing Gwen wanted to do with the love of her life was to discuss detailed intimacy with past lovers.

"I spent that first original night ... I left in the morning. Then I was asked back to his house two days later. I went but didn't spend the night. Two days after that I was asked over again and did spend the night. And then two days after that I was asked back and spent the night ... f-for three nights. After the weekend he called again. I warned him it would be messy as biology was in charge that week."

Her face brightened as she lifted it to look at her husband, "S-So you see, I denied him just as I have ever denied you. He never got anything you didn't, and you've gotten a lot, lot, more than he ever did. He took a rain check on my company that week. I guess he was never that interested, as that was the last time I ever heard from him. I'm sure he has a full Rolodex of lady friends."