Struggling to Survive Pt. 05

"Is my husband okay? How is he?" I asked her.

"Oh, your husband is fine. He just suffered from exhaustion and dehydration. According to the report, your son fell over a cliff and your husband caught him. They say your husband held on to him for 15 whole minutes, and refused to let him go. They had to practically pry his fingers off when help arrived. When he realized that your son was safe, he just passed out."

Tears welled up in my eyes for the hundredth time since I got the phone call from some random guy. He called from Tom's cell phone letting me know which hospital he was taking my son and husband to. He figured I was the person to call since my contact was Kara -- wife in his phone.

"How's my son?" I said as tears streamed down my face. The nurse smiled encouragingly at me and rubbed my shoulder.

"He's fine. His shoulder was dislocated, and he had a few scrapes and bruises on his wrist from where you husband gripped him for dear life, but it could have been much worse. You husband is my hero!" She said. Then she kindly pointed me in the direction of room 120.

When I got to the room, Tom was asleep. Sam and Dean sat in chairs, watching TV. Dean's arm was in a sling. When they saw me, they rushed into my arms.

"My boys!" I cried as I squeezed them closely and kissed them on their heads. I couldn't stop myself from shaking.

"He didn't let go mom. Pops didn't let me go." Dean cried over and over as he sobbed.

"Of course he didn't. He would never let anything happen to you. You're his son."

We stood there embracing for a moment. Then I heard Tom stirring awake.

"Hey Kara." He said groggily as he slowly sat up. I let go of Sam and Dean and rushed over to him. As I sat on his bed next to him, I grabbed him and a hug. I didn't care if he didn't want it.

He didn't pull away. In fact, he leaned into it. I took this as encouragement and squeezed tighter.

"You complain about being a hero, then you pull this shit." I said in between sniffles. It was light hearted though, and he took it as such.

"Well, I didn't think that you would've wanted me to pick THIS time to stop." He laughed. Then he wrapped his arm around my back and returned my hug.

They were released from the hospital after a couple of hours. We all drove to Tom's apartment. We made plans to go pick his car up from the trail later on.

I realized that this was the first time I'd stepped foot inside of Tom's apartment. He'd invited me to see it on a few occasions, but I always declined. If I actually saw where he lived, then the fantasy of him coming home died.

This apartment was...Tom. Everything in it had his touch on it. He even had a goofy Justice League picture hanging in his living room. It was framed and everything.

Regret filled me to the core. This was where he lived. HE lived. Alone. Without me.

"Okay Tom. I'll come back to get you tomorrow, and we'll drive over to your car. Okay?"

"Ummm, sure." He said. I don't know if it was wishful thinking, but he looked a little disappointed. I didn't have time to think about what that meant. I had to get out of here. His apartment was making me feel all kinds of sad. If I stayed a moment longer, I was going to lose it.

When I got to my car, I lost it. I sobbed. Hard. I wrapped my arms around the steering wheel and cried into them. No matter how hard I tried to stop, it wouldn't let up. The dam of false hope and carefully laid excuses broke away, and released the torrent of well up emotions that sat inside of me.

I almost lost him. I would have never been able to say that I loved him. That I was sorry.

As I started up my car drive home, I made up my mind. I was getting my husband back. If I had to say I'm sorry for years to come, or tell him that I love him every single day, I was going to do it.

I love you Tom. Now I just have to make sure you know how much.

***************************

Tom Narrating: Two weeks later

Things calmed down at the Winchester households. The excitement and high level of emotion had begun to ebb as we returned to normal -- or whatever serves as being normal. One difference -- and a major one it was -- was in Dean.

Whatever weight had been weighing him down was lifted. His sour countenance had changed. The sullen post-divorce Dean seemed to have stayed over the side of that cliff. My son had returned to me

I was his father. Point blank. There were no more lingering reservations about that fact. I was thankful that something good came out of that horrific experience. I would have preferred a less dramatic way for us to come to the point where we were, but the fact that we were here was a...blessing.

In case you are wondering, I didn't suddenly get "saved" and start going to church. If there is a God out there who gave me the strength to hold on to my son until help arrived, then he has my gratitude. But I wasn't ready to go full Kirk Cameron.

On another note, as much credit as I was getting, I wasn't the only hero. If Sammy hadn't run and looked for help, both Dean and I would have needed closed casket funerals. I'm not sure exactly how much longer my body would have held on, but I shudder to think about what would have happened if those guys had showed up 30 seconds later.

The second major difference was in Kara. She didn't outright act differently, but she seemed more...introspective, for lack of a better word. The lingering looks that she gave me when she thought I wasn't looking were odd. They weren't filled with love or anything trite or corny like that. But it was like she was seeing me for the first time...again.

I didn't read too much into it. I knew that she was grateful for what I did for our son, and those feelings of gratitude have a tendency to be mistaken for something else. I didn't get my hopes up, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn't flattered.

How was I feeling? Well, I was thankful for my life, that was for sure. Being on the verge of death makes a man think about a lot of things. Life really does flash before your eyes.

I blame Kara for the destruction of our marriage, but she wasn't the complete blame. Her actions in that car definitely KILLED it, no doubt about that. But our marriage was limping along like a zombie for a while before she cheated. BOTH of us failed each other in the communication department.

I realized that throughout our marriage, I always felt that she was lucky to have me. I mean, I was a catch! Handsome guy who made good money, and was gracious enough to overlook her "colorful" past and take her and her son in. I treated her like a queen. What else could a woman want?

What this did in me was made me set myself up on a pedestal. While on this pedestal, I looked down on her. I never disrespected her, but my attitude had always been one of superiority.

That's why being jobless hurt me so much. Especially when she found a job before me. No longer was I superior in that aspect. I was lowered to her level. In fact, I was beneath her. She was the one who saved the day.

It kind of broke my image of myself and humbled me. This humility turned into envy and resentment. And I lashed out at her.

With this epiphany, one would expect that I would rush over to her and confess my undying love for her. Not so. No matter how open my eyes were to my faults, I still did not forget that she FUCKED ANOTHER MAN. Yes, I was an arrogant asshole. But I was a FAITHFUL arrogant asshole.

So while I owned my part in the destruction of my marriage, I didn't forget HER part. And in my opinion, she hadn't owned it. Her attempts to minimize it still made my lack of trust in her that much more justified.

********************************

Kara narrating:

"Sandraaaaaaaaa! Come on. I need your help. Tell me how to win back my husband." I whined into the phone

I heard her giggle as she chewed something crunchy and loud in my ear.

"Honey, if I knew how to make that magic trick happen, I wouldn't be stripping. I would be in Vegas making elephants disappear."

"You think this is funny?"

"You really don't wanna know what I think."

Crunch. Crunch.

"Can you stop eating those fucking chips and tell me something useful?"

She sighed on the other end.

"Okay Kara. Let's do this. YOU had an intimate relationship with a man other than your husband."

"It wasn't a..."

"Let me finish!" She cut me off sharply. I closed my mouth to let her continue. After a moment of silence to ensure she had the mic, she continued.

"You had secret lunches and dinners with a man for months. You became infatuated with this man. Instead of running the other way, you practically jumped into his arms. You lose your husband over this man, but instead of learning your lesson, you go back for seconds. Now you are sitting here whining about getting your husband back. I hate to say it Kara, but you fucked this one up big time. And I tried to avoid saying I told you so, but fuck it. I TOLD YOU SO! I told you to stay away from him. I TOLD you that losing Tom would kill you. But you went ahead and did what you wanted. Now, you are suffering the consequences."

I sat in silence as the tears flowed down. The truthfulness of her words left me stunned.

"Kara, be thankful. Tom doesn't hate your guts. Your son is no longer having trouble adjusting. Considering what you did, you are getting off pretty lucky."

I didn't feel lucky.

"So what do you think I should do? Give up?"

Another sigh.

"If you want my opinion, yes. However, I think you owe him the truth. The complete truth. About everything. It's not gonna help you win him back, but it will help you do something that you desperately need. Forgive yourself and move on."

"What happened to not telling him anything?"

She chuckled ruefully. "That was when I was trying to help you preserve your marriage. I assumed that you learned your lesson and wouldn't do it again. But now, I am trying to help you preserve your sanity. Your marriage is over. Trying to revive it will only hurt you further."

I lost it. The tears just burst out of me. She was right. I had lost him. I allowed myself to be taken down a path, and I was paying for it.

"I have to go San."

"You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah. I just need to think."

The line got quiet for a minute, like she was thinking.

"Okay honey. Just remember that I'm here. Call me if you need me. Please."

"I will San. I promise"

"I love you Kara."

"Love you too San."

***

Once I was alone, I let everything soak in. Why was I so attracted to Richard? What made me so enamored that I just lost all sense of right and wrong?

It was the way he made me feel. I felt important with him. He always complimented me, always made me feel like I was on the same level as he was. We were partners. He truly looked at me like his equal.

With Tom, I had always felt slightly beneath him. We were never equals. He was my savior. My white knight. With him, I was always the damsel in distress. That was how we started our relationship, and it never evolved from there.

When he called me Jazmin, it just further affirmed that I wasn't worthy. Worse still, it affirmed that he KNEW I wasn't worthy. No matter how hard I tried to run from Jazmin, she always made me feel...less than.

A part of me was still that little girl who was kicked out of her parents' house. She was always looking for someone to save her. She gravitated to people who made her feel safe. First Sandra, then Tom. She NEEDED someone to look out for her.

What Richard made me realize was that I really didn't need anyone to save me. I just always felt I did. I brought down my asshole boss. I got out of the lifestyle of stripping. I took care of Dean. As much as I liked to throw those protestations around, I never truly believed that I would be okay by myself. I was afraid.

If I were to succeed in getting Tom back, then what? What would I do? Where would we go? I was still that same scared little girl. I would never cheat again, but even with that, how happy would we be? The couple that we were before I cheated would be the ones getting back together. More than likely, THEY would end up hurting each other again.

What I needed was to find a sense of self. I needed to fully embrace who I was, and stop being that frightened little girl looking for a hero.

**********************************

Tom narrating:

"While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door."

I cursed to myself as I heard the knock at my door. I'd dozed off in front of the television without realizing it. Now, I was irrationally angry at whoever disturbed my fantastic dream involving me, an island, Selma Hayek, and very little clothing.

However, I lost that anger when I swung open my door. In front of me stood a vision of beauty that rivaled my dreams. I almost thought I was still dreaming.

"Uhh, hello?" I asked this creature, completely dumbfounded. She smirked at me chuckled.

"Tom, is it? Yes, we've never met, but I've heard so much about you. Not to mention seen your picture half a dozen times. Can I come in?"

"I'm sorry, you have me at a loss. Your name is..."

She thrust out her hand in front her. As I grabbed it and shook it she said, "I'm Sandra. I'm friends with your wife, Kara."

Her name instantly registered. "Starlet?" I asked. Her face turned into a grimace.

"I'm only Starlet at the club. Just like Kara WAS only Jazmin when she was there."

Point taken.

"I'm sorry Sandra. I didn't mean to offend you. Please, come in."

Sandra walked past me into my apartment. I couldn't help but to stare at her ass as she did so (I'm a guy, and she was hot). She had a body that rivaled Kara's. What she did to those shorts was almost obscene.

"I would ask if you wanted anything to drink, but all I have is water and more water." I joked. She graciously laughed

"That's okay Tom. I'm good." She said as she flashed me a smile.

She must be popular at the strip club. I almost want to give her my money right now!

"So, Sandra? What brings you to my neck of the woods?"

"Kara." She said simply before taking a seat on my couch and crossing those shapely legs.

"Kara sent you to me?"

"No, she didn't send me. She doesn't even know I'm here. I came because I wanted to talk to you."

I sat down on the love seat opposite of her and leaned my elbows on my knees. Lacing my fingers into each other, I let out a breath.

"Okay Sandra. You have the floor."

She sat back and eyed me for a moment, like she was trying to figure me out. Then she started.

"I won't insult your intelligence about why I'm here. I wanted to know what it would take for you to forgive Kara and take her back."

I had to fight the sudden surge of anger at the audacity of this woman. Her sex appeal was suddenly very lost on me. She might as well have been a lamp.

"First off, it's none of your business. I don't know you, lady. You come up in my home and act like I'm the one whose wrong. But I will tell you, since you've taken such an interest. For me to forgive Kara, I need her to own what she did to me. To stop with the bullshit explanations and finger pointing. For me to take her back, well, a fucking miracle."

She nodded her head.

"So, you look at her reasons as finger pointing? You are completely innocent in the destruction of your marriage. Is that how you see it."

"No Sandra. When I lost my job, I became insufferable. I was resentful of her. I lost my confidence. I helped build the wedge between us by not communicating with her. And if I'm honest, I did look at her past and with some contempt. That's MY part. But HER part is so much bigger. What we needed was counseling. We could have fixed THOSE things. But we can't fix what she did. Especially with her not being honest with me."

A sad look crossed her eyes. It made her look completely different than the woman that came into my apartment.

"She loves you, you know. Losing you is killing her. And I love her. It hurts me to see her this way."

Tears began to creep down her face. She wiped them away quickly though.

"She is like a younger sister to me. Ever since that first day that I met her, I felt something for her. I just wanted to protect her. She was so afraid! I didn't think she would make it. Do you know that she threw up each time before she went out there on stage?"

My mind's eye pictured Kara, in next to nothing, dancing nervously in a room full of people. I had to admit, that image made me feel a need to protect Kara myself.

It also made me feel something for this woman on my couch. A connection. It seemed that we were a kindred spirit of some kind. Our love for Kara seemed to bind us. We probably would never hang out or be friends, but we were bonded nonetheless.

Something else intrigued me about her. I was assuming that she rarely shared her vulnerability with anyone. Yet talking about Kara brought about her inner softie.

She truly does love Kara. Probably the only person to ever pierce that frozen heart of her's.

"Tell me about her. Back then. I always imagined her being on stage, grinding on men and whatnot. I've always said that I admired her resolve to go out there and do what needed to be done to put food on the table for her and Dean, but I never really thought about what she actually went through emotionally."

"Well, first off, let me tell you that she was a horrible dancer. I swear the only reason she got tips was because she had that innocent little girl thing going for her. She was like the hot little school girl that you wanted to completely corrupt."

We shared a laugh at that. Then we talked for hours.

***

Kara Narrating:

"Hello Grace. How are you doing?"

I approached the woman in the boutique shop and tried to look as non-threatening as possible. I had stalked her all morning, trying to gather the courage to do what it was that I came here to do. I finally got the nerve and followed her into here. Honestly, I would have preferred to talk to her in a more private setting, but there was no way to set that up. I was left with this option. My only hope was that she wouldn't want to draw attention.

She looked at me strangely for a moment, as if trying to find me in her memory.

"Hello. I'm sorry, but I can't place your face. Do I know you?"

"No, you don't know me. We've never met. The only way that I know you is that I've seen your picture."

That got her attention.

"Where did you see my picture?" she asked with alarm in her voice.

"At your house. I don't know of an easy way to say this, so I just have to come out and do it. I was in your house the night that Richard and I had sex it."

"You...had sex...with my husband."

"Yes. I did."

She looked like she was ready to pass out. I really hated to do what I was doing to her, but I owed it to her. I owed the people that I hurt the truth.

She composed herself and looked at me with resolve in her eyes.

"Did you know he was married when you did it?"

"Yes." I answered honestly. The judgmental look that she gave me hurt, but I was in this now. She had a right to judge me for blowing up her day like I had.

"Do you love him?"

I shook my head.

"So, let me get this straight. You came in my house, looked at my family's pictures, and then fucked my husband! IS THAT RIGHT?"

Her voice was attracting attention from all of the other shoppers. My hopes for a quiet conversation was shattered.

"Yes, I did. I was completely wrong for what I did, and I'm sorry. I really am."

She laughed sardonically. "Oh! Well, as long as you're SORRY! Do you feel better now? You got that monkey off of your back, you confessed your sins, and now what? What did you expect to get out of this?"