Subway Girl Ch. 13

Alicia calls her parents every few days and works hard at mending that relationship. I am both relieved and surprised that they don't seem to hold any grudge against me. They even invited me to come to California for Christmas, so that is what we are planning to do. I'll get to meet Alicia's sisters and see where she grew up. Janice has called me a few times and tries to act like she is just being social, but then she always finds a way to ask, "So, how Alicia is really doing?" I can honestly answer that Alicia is doing really well.

I didn't tell her mom that we had our first fight because her work had a party with a bunch of food and Alicia got really anxious about it, thinking everyone was watching what she was eating or not eating. I was stoked to be around all that delicious free food and told Alicia she was being self-absorbed and everyone else was just thinking about themselves. She got angry and so did I. Then I realized that she gets nervous around social events associated with food, and I had better cut her some slack. On the flipside, she said I get giddy around free food -- and I really can't deny that.

Then Alicia got something in the mail from her school, asking if she was going to register for the next semester. It wouldn't be until after Christmas, but I still felt my heart get heavy. I knew I would have to support her decision whichever way it went, but I loved being able to spend time with her.

I stayed quiet about it as I watched her mood get darker and darker. I know she talked to Margaret about the school situation, but I stayed out of it and waited to hear whatever choice she made. Then one night, while we were lying side-by-side in bed she turned to me and asked, "Ray, will you still love me if I don't become a CPA?"

"What?!" I laughed, but she was looking at me all insecure and I could see she was actually serious. "Alicia, I couldn't care less about that."

"But when you met me I was a go-getter. You won't be disappointed or think of me as a slacker?"

I paused rather than answer right away. This sounded ridiculous, but I could see that it was a really serious issue for her, so I took a deep breath before answering. "I wasn't looking for a CPA. I wasn't looking for anything, really. But then you came along and changed my life. I didn't fall in love with you because you are ambitious. I fell in love with you because you are sweet and brave and shy and beautiful. I love how you are curious and enthusiastic about stuff, how you look things up. I like how you get so excited about New York, you're like a little kid, and your enthusiasm is contagious. I love how friendly and outgoing you are to everyone you meet. You make a really good impression on people; you are warm and they like you. Plus, you are really smart, and did I mention beautiful? And sexy as hell too. And I love you because you love me. At a low point in my life, you could still see that I was a good person, a worthy person, when I could no longer see it myself. I couldn't care less if you become a CPA. The main thing I want is for you to be happy and healthy, whatever that takes. I want you to be with me for life. For a long life. I'm completely in love with you."

Alicia had a tear on her cheek, so I wiped it away, finally a happy tear I could kiss away. And kiss away I did.

Epilogue:

It's almost summer here again in New York. The Klaer family is planning a big backpacking trip out in California and they want Alicia and me to come out and join them. Steve keeps asking Alicia about my experience with the great outdoors and specifically if I have ever slept outside. Alicia and I have laughed about that a lot. Yeah, I've slept outdoors in all kinds of weather. Sleeping in a tent with a sleeping bag sounds like five-star accommodations to me, so Alicia assured Steve I would be fine. I'm really looking forward to it, plus it will give me a chance to talk to Steve about something important. I have my mom's ring and I thought about asking Alicia to marry me in some beautiful setting like Yosemite. Or maybe on top of a mountain, or next to a stream or waterfall. Then I realized that I would rather wait until we get back and propose in Central Park. I want to ask Alicia to marry me in New York City. We are New Yorkers, after all, and this seems right. New York is our home.

Afterword

This is a story about love and redemption. In the beginning, it seems that Ray is the one with the problems, but the reader learns that Alicia is the one in real trouble. Part way through this writing, I was blessed with the help of an amazing editor, "Lovely Bob," who appreciated and understood what I was trying to convey. During our back-and-forth communications, he asked some background questions and, given the serious topic of the eating disorder bulimia nervosa, he felt it was worthwhile to share some of our conversation with the reader. Here is part of what we discussed behind the scenes:

Q. Donna, are you yourself bulimic?

A. No. I definitely have other issues and have been in recovery for a very long time, but I have always had a very healthy relationship with food.

Q. Are you a therapist? Do you have advanced training in the treatment of eating disorders?

A. No, not at all. After overcoming my own difficulties, I went to school to become a Health teacher. I wanted to teach teenagers about the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse, about eating disorders, sex education, including STDs - you know, all the interesting topics! But I fell in love with Biology during my schooling and became a Bio teacher instead.

Q. What elements of these real-world experiences made their way into the story of Alicia and Ray?

A. Tons. Too many to list. As far as Ray goes, I know what it is like to be down and out. I know what it is like to crawl out of a hole. And Alicia? Even though I have never had an eating disorder myself, I have been a mentor for several women who do. The scratched hands, the use of markers, the heart attack, the unrealistic body expectations, the over-exercising, even the puking in jars all came from real people in my life. And so did the outpatient program and the "Texas Toast" too.

Q. In your opinion, what does it take to "beat" bulimia?

A. Well, as we have discussed, I am no expert! I am a writer and this is a fictional story with a positive ending, but it easily could have gone the other way. I knew it could not be a girl-meets-boy-and-instantly-gets-better story. I believe what William said, "You can't fix this, Ray," and what Steve Klaer said, "Love doesn't fix this." But love helps! And the most important love when it comes to recovery from bulimia, is the love that comes from inside. When I started this story, I thought that Alicia would not recover and would break Ray's heart, but she proved to be more of a fighter than I had planned. I asked myself, "What would it take for Alicia to recover?" And what I came up with is the following things that I knew had to happen in the story:

1. A critical event. This is the proverbial wake-up call. In Alicia's case it was her heart attack. All by itself this event would most likely not be enough to cause a change. People endure horrible things and continue destructive behavior, but it did bring Alicia's trouble out into the open.

2. A genuine, inner desire to change. Wanting to please your lover or your parents isn't enough. The desire must be grounded in a concern for your own welfare. A genuine love of self is paramount.

3. Divine intervention. The feisty old lady Ray encountered in church ("God sees everything, and I see plenty.") is praying for Alicia (and for Ray, too).

4. Professional help, both medical and psychological. Alicia has found a good therapist in Margaret, and an outpatient treatment program that works for her.

5. Support. Steve and Janice Klaer are frustrated with Alicia but they still love her. Ray loves her and is committed to making a life with her. But they can't understand what suffering with bulimia means. The friends Alicia is making in Margaret's outpatient therapy group are her co-sufferers and are an important part of her recovery.

6. Confronting and dealing with underlying issues. Alicia somehow got herself stuck with the attitude that she had to be perfect in order to earn love. Overcoming her perfectionism is part of her recovery from bulimia.

7. Replacing unhealthy behaviors with new healthy habits. Alicia takes up running. Unfortunately, she starts getting obsessive about the new behavior, but that problem is dealt with in counseling.

8. Acceptance of body issues. In this final chapter, Ray has tried to help Alicia recognize the beauty and sexual appeal of a variety of body shapes and sizes.

9. The ability to laugh at oneself. Alicia admitting that she puked in jars and laughing about how gross it was is one example, but I think this is something she will grow into over time. Her most playful side has been demonstrated in her sexuality. And there's no denying: Alicia has a very healthy libido!

Q. Do you identify with Alicia?

A. I actually identify much more with Ray than with Alicia.

Q.: What do you admire most about Ray?

A. Ray's experience at being nearly homeless matured him and he is very tolerant. I like how he evolved throughout the story. He went from being anti-social to being comfortable around a variety of people. A librarian, Alicia's parents, the therapist, soccer players, neighbors, and a homeless guy were among his friends. I appreciate that he was a reader and a learner, although not formally educated. He started out thinking he was invisible and not worthy of anybody's attention, but by the end of the story he had job skills, friends, and love. He even felt like he had something to give back. Ray climbed Maslow's pyramid. And he finally felt at home in the big city.

RAY KELLY'S RECOMMENDED READING LIST

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, by Jonathan Safran Foer

Let the Great World Spin, by Colum McCann

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, by Michael Chabon

The Catcher In the Rye, by JD Salinger

The Memory of Running, by Ron McLarty

The Buffalo Hunter, by Peter Straub

The Power of the Dog, by Thomas Savage